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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Introduction

Greetings everyone,

I am a 44 y/o married male. 13 years married and 16 years together with the same SO. Recently, my SO hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" talk back in Aug 2016. Same month, she was caught with her "just a friend" OM in the act by my children, 8 and 11. I may have not been the easiest person to live with over the years but I deserved better than this treatment. My kids and now traumatized. I've been in counseling and have made great strides in changing my ways for the better. It is a slower process to get my kids to open up to counseling. My spiritual beliefs guide me and the teaching instruct me to keep working on the marriage. The Bible tells me how to do it but if my efforts fall upon deaf ears, my efforts are in vein and a simple test of futility. That resistance is what I face with from my SO.

I hope to learn and share as a member of this community.

Wishing all the best of their situations!

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:16 PM
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Re: Introduction

Hi Jim

Lots of parallels between your story and mine.

I was almost your exact age 10 years ago when my marriage ended, and at the time my 2 girls were 14 and 10. We were married 16 years together for 18 total.

Lots of differences too.

I don't read the Bible, I don't rely on a god or religion; and there was no infidelity on either part.

That much being said you could very well find yourself where I am now, 10 years into your future, your children independent and living on their own or with their significant others, your marriage and your exwife a rapidly fading distant memory.

You've got some adjustments ahead, some major upheavals and your life will never be the same. In some ways worse perhaps, you will no longer be an intact family, your relationship with your kids will probably be affected to some degree, they will continue to be traumatized and your financial situation will probably worsen. The good news? It's not forever. Sure there will be scars, there will be lasting damage but life goes on and in some ways, or even in most ways- at least for me, it's better.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: Introduction

Quote:
Originally Posted by JimMinVA View Post
Greetings everyone,

I am a 44 y/o married male. 13 years married and 16 years together with the same SO. Recently, my SO hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" talk back in Aug 2016. Same month, she was caught with her "just a friend" OM in the act by my children, 8 and 11. I may have not been the easiest person to live with over the years but I deserved better than this treatment. My kids and now traumatized. I've been in counseling and have made great strides in changing my ways for the better. It is a slower process to get my kids to open up to counseling. My spiritual beliefs guide me and the teaching instruct me to keep working on the marriage. The Bible tells me how to do it but if my efforts fall upon deaf ears, my efforts are in vein and a simple test of futility. That resistance is what I face with from my SO.

I hope to learn and share as a member of this community.

Wishing all the best of their situations!
I am curious where you find in the Bible the passage that compels you to stay married to an unrepentant adulterer? God's mercy is open to all but doesn't she at least need to face and repent her sin of violating the vow of matrimony she made to you and God?

If you children are traumatized by her behavior, how do you justify continuing the relationship?
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: Introduction

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I am curious where you find in the Bible the passage that compels you to stay married to an unrepentant adulterer?
If you try hard enough you can find a passage in the bible that can be twisted or somehow reinterpreted to suit your needs.

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If you children are traumatized by her behavior, how do you justify continuing the relationship?
What do the kids seeing her with OM and being traumatized have to do with him wanting to saving the marriage?

I'm not advocating trying to forgive an unremorseful cheater I'm just questioning your logic.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Introduction

Is your SO a Christian too, OP?

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 05:33 PM
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Re: Introduction

Quote:
Originally Posted by JimMinVA View Post
Greetings everyone,

I am a 44 y/o married male. 13 years married and 16 years together with the same SO. Recently, my SO hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" talk back in Aug 2016. Same month, she was caught with her "just a friend" OM in the act by my children, 8 and 11. I may have not been the easiest person to live with over the years but I deserved better than this treatment. My kids and now traumatized. I've been in counseling and have made great strides in changing my ways for the better. It is a slower process to get my kids to open up to counseling. My spiritual beliefs guide me and the teaching instruct me to keep working on the marriage. The Bible tells me how to do it but if my efforts fall upon deaf ears, my efforts are in vein and a simple test of futility. That resistance is what I face with from my SO.

I hope to learn and share as a member of this community.

Wishing all the best of their situations!
As long as you're willing to put up with her screwing the OM she'll continue to cake eat. You can work on yourself All you want but she's not going to notice.

Many try the "pick me dance" or try and nice them back but I've never seen what you're doing work one time.

Better get strong and file. Your kids are traumatized at what she's done in front of them and are probably confused at you taking it and doing nothing in response.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 07:12 PM
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Re: Introduction

Quote:
Originally Posted by JimMinVA View Post
Greetings everyone,

I am a 44 y/o married male. 13 years married and 16 years together with the same SO. Recently, my SO hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" talk back in Aug 2016. Same month, she was caught with her "just a friend" OM in the act by my children, 8 and 11. I may have not been the easiest person to live with over the years but I deserved better than this treatment. My kids and now traumatized. I've been in counseling and have made great strides in changing my ways for the better. It is a slower process to get my kids to open up to counseling. My spiritual beliefs guide me and the teaching instruct me to keep working on the marriage. The Bible tells me how to do it but if my efforts fall upon deaf ears, my efforts are in vein and a simple test of futility. That resistance is what I face with from my SO.

I hope to learn and share as a member of this community.

Wishing all the best of their situations!
UM the bible tells you leaving for infidelity is perfectly acceptable.

Matthew 5:31-32 [Jesus speaking] -

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Your out is in red, take it. Not to get all religious as I am not one to do that on here but I see holier-than-thou Christians preach this all the time and they are just wrong. Don't listen to anyone who is self righteous enough to contradict the words of Christ.

Finally if they say God hates divorce yes that is true, however he hates adultery much more. In fact there has never been a time in all of the judeo christian religion that God expected a person to stay with a cheater. In Christ's day your wife would be dead and you would be free to go about your life. Why you ask, because of -

Leviticus 20:10
If a man commits adultery with another man's wife--with the wife of his neighbor--both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death.

So allowing a spouse who committed adultery to live and be divorced is really a good deal from the Bibles point of view. It's one of those deals were Christ forgives the sinner. If you want to, leave your wife and feel no guilt my friend.

Last edited by sokillme; 11-11-2016 at 07:37 PM.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 08:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Introduction

Thank you one and all for the hard dose of reality. I am glad I came here.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Introduction

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Thank you one and all for the hard dose of reality. I am glad I came here.
Advice is worthless unless you put it into practice.

Good luck to you.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 08:18 PM
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Re: Introduction

The marriage cannot be worked on unless the affair is over if that is what you seek. If they have any contact the affair will continue. She will blame you for everything to justify her actions. Cheaters, lie, hide and deny a lot. You can't believe anything out of her mouth at this time.

Limited exposure is your best bet. If he's married inform his wife. Without warning!!!! Do not tell your wife. She'll warn him and they'll conspire to make you out yo be a crazy jealous husband telling lies. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair. Affairs flourish in secret and darkness. Exposure usually ends the affair

Since your kids know the family both hers and yours should be informed. Consequences are a good thing.

You may not be the perfect husband but an affair is a decision/choice she made willingly. It was not a mistake.

Better wake up and take control of your life. You can't fix her she has to do that.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 08:20 PM
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 07:13 PM
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Re: Introduction

Jim my fear is that you look like a weak man before you SO and your children, you basically have said by not discussing divorce that you accept her as she is a cheater. Also what recourse have you place on the so called friend
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2016, 01:42 AM
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Re: Introduction

Working the marriage how? As others pointed out adultery is an especially serious matter. If working on the marriage only enables the adultery to continue to damage your children and yourself then you are accountable for the damage to your children.

I am not saying stone her. I am not saying she lives her life with with an "A" burned into her forehead. Rather I am asking you how will you both repair the damage.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2016, 06:11 AM
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Cool Re: Introduction

Quote:
Originally Posted by KillerClown View Post
I am curious where you find in the Bible the passage that compels you to stay married to an unrepentant adulterer? God's mercy is open to all but doesn't she at least need to face and repent her sin of violating the vow of matrimony she made to you and God?

If you children are traumatized by her behavior, how do you justify continuing the relationship?
Well thought out!

By the breaking of those holy vows, she can and should be judged by the court of public opinion on this earthly plane. But if she refuses to or successfully shirks that earthly judgment, she will not be able escape the ultimate judgment of the Heavenly Father!

And while not a damning offense, she will still have to confess to the Father, as well as to all of those that her vow-breaking and wanton acts of cheating aggrieved!

In the due course of time, just as we will all have to confess for our many earthly transgressions, I cannot help but feel that there will be a plethora of cheaters standing and heartachingly wailing for forgiveness before the Father, to confess for all of their worldly acts of infidelity and wanton selfishness!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 11-24-2016 at 07:27 AM. Reason: Edification
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