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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
From what you describe, she has lost respect for you and attraction. The lack of French kissing is damning. Other signs are, does she enjoy your scent? Does she speak highly of you with other women? Does your opinion matter to her at all?

This is what you need to do to fix the situation. At like a bachelor. I don't mean cheat on her, that's despicable. I mean do everything in your power to raise VALUE in her eyes. And being a man, other women would chase and want makes YOU a commodity she is going to make sure you are happy with her.

Right now, she has no respect for you. She thinks you're a loser who is lucky to have her, cause no one else will, so you aren't going anywhere. Sorry that's the truth. That's why sh!ts all over you.

Follow this process:

1) Hit the gym hard (not just cardio), HEAVY lifting 3 times a week. Google "Stronglifts 5x5 routine". Put on some muscle. Diet to get to a normal BMI.

2) Clean cut and hygienic is good. Dress well at all times, even if you are bumming around the house and ESPECIALLY anytime you walk out the door.

3) Start making plans OUTSIDE of the marriage. Reconnect with some friends or find a SOCIAL hobby or activity to get involved with. Something that gets you outside frequently.

4) Kill her with kindness but do not yield to ANY of her sh!t tests. Also, stop doing the dishes and do manly choirs like mowing the lawn if you want to contribute.

5) Don't ever give MORE than you get. Don't compliment her if she doesn't reciprocate. Don't initiate unless she does. Not even 50/50 it should be 40/60 in your favor.

Look at it this way. If all else fails, if you practice 1-5 then you will ALREADY be in prime position to replace her with someone who isn't an ingrate and doesn't treat you like a jerk.
I like your post. Ive already started these things and have noticed her starting to initiate sex again. When she gives me crap I just stick to my guns. I show that Im not caving to her control. I have stopped complimenting her because she does not compliment me much.
I am tired of being the giver. I am now at the place where I dont care what happens. Im not going to live scared. It still sucks to see her all over our kids and not much for me. Im just going to be me. Some great posts here. Im a 6'2" guy with a nice build and im just going to focus on being the best human I can. Like you said I win either way! Thank you!

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....

Here's my quick guide:
1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).

You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.

You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.

Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...

I appreciate your post. I totally agree. She has daddy issues and was molested by her step dad. I believe there are some personaly issues there.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....

Here's my quick guide:
1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).

You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.

You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.

Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...

Especially read the first book. X1000 to everything in this post.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

This link may or may not help her see you in a different light. Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife In regards to the abuse.

You need to knock her off her pedestal. You love her & show it by trying to make her life easier. Quite a few women will start to view you like that overly friendly black lab puppy.

You keep getting slapped down & you just keep coming back for more waggin your tail. She feels like you will always be there, taking whatever crap she hands out.

As mentioned before, read No More Mr. Nice Guy & Married Man Sex Primer without her seeing you read them.

Both of you read The 5 Love Languages and discuss. She needs to meet yours, as well as you meeting hers.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Both of you read The 5 Love Languages and discuss. She needs to meet yours, as well as you meeting hers.
Thank you for mentioning. This book should have been added to my list. The 5LL is an essential read.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....

Here's my quick guide:
1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).

You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.

You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.

Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...

Just got the sex primer book. All i can say is awesome, and thank you. My wife has never told me no when I initiate sex.....so thats good. We have sex usually every other day. Its the quality that Im after. I have lost a bunch of weight already, and im going to impliment the MAP. Im just tired of being the chaser and the door mat. Im a good looking guy, nice build under the fat, lol. Im going to make my stock a little higher by being more alpha. I used to be, then somewhere the vagina controlled me. Not anymore. She has already started noticing last few weeks i have stopped rewarding bad behavior. Now the MAP. Thank you sooooo much.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

Along with MMSLP, I second and third reading Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages too.

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Good luck.


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"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 03-14-2017 at 12:18 PM.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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Originally Posted by anchorwatch View Post
Along with MMSLP, I second and third reading Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages too.

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Good luck.


Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk
We have done the 5 love languages. Funny thing, my love language was words of affirmation, touch. She was too. I think I was just too much of a yes man.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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Originally Posted by Trying2getitRIGHT View Post
We have done the 5 love languages. Funny thing, my love language was words of affirmation, touch. She was too. I think I was just too much of a yes man.
Good observation, now to what is central, YOU.

A man needs to find his balance... his sweet spot. The place where he is one with himself, without shame.


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"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 03-15-2017 at 06:04 AM.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

From "Hold on to your N.U.T. s by Wayne M. Levine

What Are N.U.T.s?

N.U.T.s are your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. N.U.T.s are the things you’re committed to, the things that matter more than anything else: your kids, your work, yourself, your purpose, your spiritual practice, your hobbies, your integrity, your morals and your emotional and psychological well-being.

N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually—but assuredly—turn you into a pissed-off, resentful man who will likely blame others—especially your wife—for your unhappiness.

Your N.U.T.s are uniquely yours. They reflect who you are as a man and the man you want to be. Compromise your N.U.T.s, and you’ll compromise yourself. Compromise yourself too often, and you’ll become an extremely unhappy man, husband and father.

Sample N.U.T.s

Here’s a short list of Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms provided by the men of our BetterMen Community. These will give you an idea of the N.U.T.s which men, like you, have developed for themselves in their efforts to be the men they want to be.

I am faithful to my wife.
I say what I want.
Compassion for my family trumps my need to be right.
I replace doubt with acts of faith.
I am a risk taker.
I devote at least three hours a week to my writing.
I will only seek validation from the men.
I live in accordance with my religious faith.
I do what I believe is in the best interest of my kids, even if they disagree.
My commitment to my children comes before everything else.
Patience over temper.
I do not ask for permission.
Fear does not keep me from taking risks.
I do not indulge my addictions.
I am a man of my word—period!
I take my problems to men, not to women.
I do not show anger to my elderly mother.
I do not tolerate my wife’s attempts to belittle me.
When name-calling begins, the discussion is over.
I spend time with the men.
I have my own private office/space some place in my house.
I exercise regularly.
I do whatever it takes to keep my family in our home.
I ask for help when I’m not being the man I want to be.
I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation.
I honor my daily spiritual practice.
I welcome feedback.
I only apologize when it’s appropriate, not simply to please others.
I do not hide out at work just to avoid issues at home.
I decide how I interact with my boys.
I choose which of my friendships to maintain.
I do not sell out who I am to placate others.
I share my men’s work with the men in my life.
I do as I see fit.


This list is here simply to inspire you. Maybe some of these N.U.T.s resonate with you. If so, use them and make them your own. But perhaps your N.U.T.s aren’t listed above. Do you know what they are? Not sure? No problem. Let’s talk first about how a man finds his N.U.T.s.

Finding Your N.U.T.s

Never Compromise Your N.U.T.s

Understanding the importance of finding and never compromising your N.U.T.s—your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms—is the most important thing you, as a man, will do. This may be the most important lesson you will learn from Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. So here it is:

Once you find your N.U.T.s, never forget them and never compromise them.

For some men, that may sound like great advice, a few years too late. But it’s not too late. What you read here will help. In fact, men just like you have turned their lives and their relationships around because they’ve committed themselves to finding their N.U.T.s and maintaining a firm grasp of their Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms.

OK, so now that you understand what N.U.T.s are, how do you get started finding yours? Some men find their N.U.T.s over time, while others sit down and make a list. Either way, here are some of the questions you’ll want to ask yourself:

What’s most important to me in life?

Are there activities I used to do for fun that I no longer do? Is someone interfering and am I resentful because of it?

Are there valuable friendships with men I’ve let slip away?

Where am I currently having problems (unhappy, frustrated, sad, angry, resentful) in my life, and did compromising myself—and what’s important to me—contribute to my feelings and/or the situation?

What dreams have I abandoned?

If I’m going to be the man I want to be, what will I have to do differently?

TIP!

Having trouble understanding what a N.U.T. feels like? Try this: You’re walking down the street with your young daughter and a stranger grabs her, intending to kidnap her. How do you feel about that? Is giving up your daughter acceptable? Could you be persuaded to see the advantages of giving your daughter to a stranger? No? Of course not! In fact, you don’t even have to consider it. It’s very clear to you: You don’t let strangers take your daughter! It’s non-negotiable and unalterable. It’s a term of yours. You have a N.U.T. How about that!

That’s how clear your N.U.T.s must eventually be for you. Your N.U.T.s must be so ingrained that you don’t even consider them when challenged. They just are.

Some men may have a hard time identifying their N.U.T.s on their own and would benefit from the support of other men. (That’s why Develop Trusting Relationships With Men is one of the BetterMen Tools.) In men’s groups, many men will find their N.U.T.s by hearing from others who have had similar challenges, men who have identified their own Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms.

Protect Your N.U.T.s

Once you’ve identified your N.U.T.s, you’ll most likely have a short list of Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Remembering them should not be a problem. Remembering to live them, however, is where you will be challenged.

Keep your N.U.T.s close to the vest—and review them daily—until you’re ready to live them. (By all means, share them with the men in your life who can help to define your N.U.T.s and then support you when you’re ready to put them into action.)

Sharing your N.U.T.s prematurely is often an indication of your need for approval. You may be tempted to mention your N.U.T.s to your woman to test her reaction, and to see what resistance you may be up against. Also, receiving permission to live your N.U.T.s defeats their purpose.

Remember, you don’t ask for permission to be the man you want to be, you simply have to be that man.

Again, N.U.T.s are to be lived, not discussed. So resist the temptation to talk about your N.U.T.s with those who ultimately will be impacted by them. Wait until you’re ready, and then live them.

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life | The Art of Manliness


"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....

Here's my quick guide:
1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).

You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.

You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.

Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...

I read the books! Last few weeks have been amazing! My wife is much more affectionate and not picking fights with me (as much). The only issue i am having is this...
Ive lost a ton of weight over last 2 months, my sex rank has gone way up, she notices it. She very much enjoys my nicer body and better looks. But now she is getting paranoid. She accused me today of staring at women at lunch, which i wasnt. I told her what i was doing and that im telling the truth. I used to grovel and hang on her to persuade her, im not doing that anymore. Am i correct in this? I told her she has to trust me. Ive told her before i thought she was looking at a guy, before reading the books, she would just tell me no. Thats exactly what im doing. I feel like these are tests. Help? Thank you!
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

She sounds like my husband. Google what it says in the Bible. Your spouse comes ahead of your children. When our son was born, my husband said, " he is my first priority and comes before everyone else." Some years later, my husband found God again. Our son was still a priority in his eyes. He would take him places (father and son time). Sometimes he would have discussions with family or friends about the Bible and how well he knew it, so one night, I said, "If you know the Bible so we'll, what does it say about marriage?" He completely ignored me. Guess he just wants to select quotes that benefit him - cherry pick them. He still won't answer me about that. Our son has become the biggest part of his life, I feel I don't even exist anymore. Hope you can turn her around. Good luck!
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: New here, Im a needy husband trying....

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I joined this site because somewhere along the way in life I have become needy......that being said, it sucks.
When my wife and I first met and started dating, she was very needy and extremely close and affectionate. She spoke very sweet to me, and was so good to me. I feel like somewhere in our marriage she gained some control over me. She started getting angry easy, emotional and would throw the "im leaving you" card a lot. We went to marriage counseling which was ok. She no longer threatens to leave but Im trying to figure this out. Every day I get up with the kids so dhe can sleep. I am not expected to do dishes, but I do them every night and day if Im home during the day. I bathe kids and put them to bed. I tell her she is pretty daily, and am very affectionate with her.

Her:
1.) Very affectionate and talks sweet to kids,
not with me.
2.) She initiates intimacy (sex) once for maybe every 100 times.
3.) She is all about the kids. She wants to do and do and do for the kids, but not for me.
4.) When there is something she doesnt like no matter how small its all or nothing. If im too quiet its a huge deal, im the meanest guy ever.
5.) When she gets mad she will say "Ill just do what I want for now on, have my life you have yours".
6.) Im a very clean cut hygenic man, yet she says she doesnt like french kissing. She did till we got married.

Im a very clean cut, have good hygene. Im romantic and take her out a lot. In fact I feel like I spoil her rotten. But I feel like she likes to control me. She will initiate amazing sex, then afterwards have nothing to do with me for two three days. Hardly a touch or nice word. Ive begun to pull away as to not be so attached and needy. Ive decided Im not going to put 100% into something that the other person puts in 10%.
I wish it could be more simple, and we could just work together. I would appreciate any help.

I'd read the bolded part of her comments above a few times. Sounds like if she keeps repeating that she may already be doing what she wants. And that might not be so good for you.
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