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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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Hello Y'all

I'm a noob here, been lurking for a few weeks via tapatalk.

About me - 44 years old, divorced, 2 kids 17 and 19. I live in Texas.

I'm also a recovered alcoholic with 6 years of sobriety - and this is incredibly pertinent because it's only by this fact that I'm at all equipped to be in a healthy relationship. Every good thing that's happened in my life is a direct or indirect result of my sobriety. We call it "God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves" - even though sometimes that can be a painful process.

My first and only marriage (of 16 years) ended in 2009 in acrimony - my life literally disintegrated - I lost my family, our home, and my career was waylaid for a few years due to my own issues. I spent 2 years talking to my ex through lawyers, and didn't spend much time with our children. I was so sick that I quite simply couldn't be an effective father, husband, or employee.

In early 2011 I hit rock bottom and realized what I had done. The subsequent years have been about making living amends to those that I harmed. I'm happy to report that today my ex wife (she's remarried, to a fantastic fella) and I are friends and we co-parent. To the extent that this past week I daughter/dog/house sat for them while they attended a conference in CA (She is a therapist/psychologist and he is a neuropsychologist).

I've been 100% redeemed in the eyes of my 2 wonderful children because I've been a constant participant in their lives. I've driven 10 hours round trip dozens of times to see them for 30 minutes at a school and other functions. I've grown into becoming the stable, supportive, and dependable parent that they deserved all along.

In the fall of 2011 I met a woman and began a relationship - it's important to note that her ex-husband is an active alcoholic, and that she is a strong member of Al Anon family group. Our respective programs of recovery are incredibly important to us - though I attend AA and she Al Anon, we go to many conferences and conventions together. After 5 years, we decided to live together and it's been so wonderful - I think she would agree that we've never been a part of such a fulfilling relationship based on mutual respect, absolute honesty, and a focus on our respective spiritual growth. My children adore my GF, and honestly they're the ones that keep suggesting that we should get married. The longer I am with her, the more I fall in love with her.

Understandably, I've been gun-shy about entering another marriage - I always figured I'd cross that bridge once I'd completed my financial support of my children - my track record in relationships was deplorable, previously, which made me extremely cautious about inflicting myself on a new partner. And she felt the same way about her past. We're both in our 40s, she has no children, and mine live many hours away - so it's just us. On the 11th of every month we sit down and have a discussion about how we choose to be with each other - lol we've done this almost 70 times by now.

Anyway, I'm to the point where I feel that a marriage to this wonderful woman is inevitable - maybe not for a few more years but it's definitely tracking that way. We just mesh so well that I don't spend any time imagining a life without her - which for me is unbelievable, considering how I spent 16 years being the most horrible philandering, reckless, and terrifying husband to my ex.

Of course, just because I'm sober and in recovery doesn't mean that I'm fixed - which is why I decided to follow this forum to see how others deal with things.

Anyway, that's enough about me for now.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Hello Y'all

Welcome!

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Hello Y'all

Hi and welcome

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Hello Y'all

Great story!

You can always get engaged to show your commitment and get married years down the road. That's what I did! I found the girl of my dreams and gave her a $10k rock to get her officially off the market. We'll get married when we're ready. Just bought a house together. Our wedding will be a small destination wedding with just our direct family.

Women want the comitment. You'll know when you're ready. If she's marriage material, don't let her get away because you're scared of marriage.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello Y'all

That's good advice, thank you.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Hello Y'all

Welcome to TAM

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Hello Y'all

Give the Lady an engagement ring.

Tell her that you still wish to go slow, but you want her to know that you are committed to her and only her.

A ring is made of gold and silver. It's round shape keeps you in it's small circle. When you give it to her, thank her for her trust in you.

Oh, and tell her that you love her.....often.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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