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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Thread: For high drive women married to low drive men... Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
10-23-2012 12:24 PM
east2west
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Guys wouldnt you be more psyched about the beautiful woman you thought might be "out of your league" who made you work for it, than the easy lay? Correct me if Im wrong.
No. Not at all. If a woman wanted me to "work for it" that means:

She is not exactly overpowered by desire herself, which is a turn off. Otherwise she wouldn't be doing these games.
She thinks sex is like a currency that you exchange for things you want, like respect, which bodes poorly for any future relationship.

In addition, women who play these games just end up posting "why am I not attracted to my husband" threads. Well, you filtered out all the potentially good sex partners in the dating process and found someone who was willing to barter for sex, which is a show of weakness that wears away the respect a woman needs to have for a man in order to see him as a desirable sex partner.

What I am psyched about is when a woman loves sex and really wants to have sex with me. Does not matter how long you have been "dating". IMO dating doesn't even begin until you have had sex.

The chain of causality goes from attraction, to sex, to attachment. You can't skip from attraction to attachment without sex. We are all just bundles of neurons and hormones and our feelings and actions proceed accordingly.

What men and women both find unattractive is when the other person is getting too attached, too fast (ie faster than them). If you get too attached the other person will not respect you.

So to sum this up I think that you were right before, your friends behavior is counter productive and your problem with your husband has nothing to do with your being "too easy" earlier in the relationship. It's something else.
10-22-2012 09:51 PM
DrDavidCOlsen
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Frequently in marriage, there is a high desire/low desire dance. This is not gender specific, and your problem does not sound like a gender based issue. Unfortunately the low desire partner often holds the power in the relationship. Several things can be helpful. First, attempt to shift the dance and reduce the pressure. Second, explore whether there are deeper issues in the relationship. Often sex is a metaphor for issues of power which then get played out in the bedroom. Work on opening up the dialogue and stay curious not critical. David Olsen, Ph.D, LCSW
10-21-2012 10:18 PM
SexyChic41
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
I'm a high drive wife who was married to a low drive husband. I've fixed the problem and I assure you it had nothing to do with games or how soon I slept with him before marriage. Our lack of sex was a symptom of a much much bigger problem.

Care to share what you've fixed, so the rest of us who are experiencing this, can be happy too?? Hahaha!!!
11-07-2011 01:29 PM
toolate
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad News View Post
So are you Jennifer Connelly in this context?



Is the undervaluation simply manifested as not wanting as much sex or are there other issues as well?

IMO, it makes no difference if a woman waits or proceeds with physical intimacy through manipulation or sincerity, the sex is either good or it isn't.
I only saw the movie once... dont remember the characters exactly, but I would actually be her husband.... the one who is frustrated!

The undervaluation is bc that is what he does to feel better about himself. If he were just a regular guy without the Borderline Personality Disorder, then it might be bc I am so sexually available. To me, turning myself off from him, makes me not want him. If i have to pretend Im not into him, I become not into him... its that simple. I dont get turned on by a chase... I get turned on by both people being into each other... not a games gal at all.
11-07-2011 01:19 PM
CandieGirl
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by toolate View Post
How have we both dealt with it? I am sexually frustrated and he lives his life the way he wants. He is thrilled when we dont have sex. He with holds it if I dont get the coffee prepped for the next morning, or dont make the beds (I am on the road commuting kids to school 20 miles away... which leaves me on the road between 2-5 hours a day and out of the house between 4-8 hours a day...).... after a year and a half of doing all he wanted around the house and still being turned down if I approached him for sex, I had an affair. Husband was happy for the first time in our marriage (only married since 2009)... and had sex with me more than any other time in our marriage! I would do the same again, but cant fit it in now that kids are older and have soccer and drama performances that I volunteer at school etc for.

So, it hasnt been dealt with. He argues with me every time I try to bring it up... except when I went on the sex strike for 2 months... he was also happy then. Before we married, he was a sex freak! He opened me up to things I had never even thought of (I was kind of boring in bed before I guess... never had any complaints) and then shut it down.

If my money wasnt in the house and my kids were not in the picture, I would have left, bc its an awful situation.

I hope that answers your questions...
Maybe he's not that hot on the idea of a sex life with you because you had an affair and would do it again if you could find the time? Does he know you had an affair? If so, are you sure he was happy about it? Sounds to me like there's more going on here than just a husband with a low libido.
11-07-2011 01:16 PM
toolate
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by gonefishin View Post
I think it all boils down to libido. I do not know what you were talking about when you mentioned how your girl friends play games with thier boyfriends.

I do not think it is fair to compare marriage with the dating scene. If a married women is playing games with her husband and using sex has a negotiating tool in this "game" it probably will end in failure to some degree.

High libido Low libido marriages are difficult. I am in one myself. My wife thinks something is wrong with me because of my high libido. I tell her it is only high when it comes to her. I am not into the porn and all that crap.

My advise to you is sit down with your husband, tell him what you expect. Hint: He may not like your high frequency. Since he may throw a low frequency at you, so start high and meet somewhere in the middle.
Believe me, I tried that one... we even went to a counselor and flat out stated what we would each be ok with... I gave high and he gave low 9compared to what he had done with me prior to marriage) and then he didnt follow through on the middle. He stopped therapy bc he felt controlled with the assignments and thought it was one sided. We revisited what we had agreed to, he promised again and then we had sex 1-2 times and then he stopped.

My husband has Borderline Personality and so regular ways of dealing dont work. There is no negotiation... Im either all good or all bad... and since I married him... all bad. But its all about a projection of how he is feeling about himself inside which he thinks he is feeling about me, because its too painful to see that in himself. many things he does to hurt me, he turns around and says i did them to him. Before the therapist told me what she saw going on with him, I was constantly like WTF? Were we just in the same room? I felt like I needed a video camera to show him that he in fact did what he said I did. Therapist said dont, nothing you do or dont do will matter... all his experiences in intimate relationships are based on what his internal experience is at the time... not on what actually is going on outside himself.

Im the fool for marrying him (his Dr Jekyl self was so lovable), I just hope I can continue to be a good enough mom to my kids until they are grown and gone from this situation.

I think your suggestion would work otherwise.
11-07-2011 01:06 PM
toolate
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Well, to be honest with you, most people get turned off when someone is constantly seeking validation from them, which is what I think you are doing with your husband.

You need to back off and contemplate that you get the most validation from no one else but yourself. Learn to respect yourself and grow as an individual and you won't need to smother your husband constantly seeking his validation. You may be interested in reading this article about that subject:

Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? | Psychology Today

Here's a thread about that smothering (being the 'hotter' partner in a relationship) that's written mostly from the male perspective, but really the sex doesn't matter. You can reverse the sexes in the following post, and it still applies:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-cl...er-your-r.html

Best wishes.

Very interesting... indeed! My husband was uber sexual... and has a low sense of self. He is insecure. I was opened up to the sexuality at a time when I had worked hard to develop myself... enjoying sex even more than when I was younger.

I only seem to want sex so much more than he bc he is the cooled off spouse. he is also Borderline Personality. He is not comfortable with the closeness... the way he finds closeness is by pushing me away and me staying anyway... its this I hate you dont leave me game.

The hot cool description by Mem is more closely tied to our experience, but not exactly. He gets "closer" to me the more he rejects me... but he also then devalues me more. If you read up on BPD, it is no win situation, but one with the non-BPD figuring out how to live with it... divorcing a BPD can be costly emotionally and otherwise to downright dangerous to your credit, custody, reputation... no holds barred if you cross a BPD.

My marriage counselor was very helpful in dealing with this, to a point though bc I still feel blind sided each time he pulls his insults and personal attacks (or physical ones). So, my mom and I check in frequently to make sure each time he has his meltdowns, Im ok and the kids are ok (fortunately they dont see but a fraction of what he is capable of, only his glares and stomping around). They just want him to be happy again... that Dr jekyl we all fell in love with... they dont know that the minute he reeeled me in, he turned into Mr hyde. We only get Dr Jekyl sometimes now... I usually only see Mr Hyde.
11-07-2011 12:58 PM
gonefishin
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

I think it all boils down to libido. I do not know what you were talking about when you mentioned how your girl friends play games with thier boyfriends.

I do not think it is fair to compare marriage with the dating scene. If a married women is playing games with her husband and using sex has a negotiating tool in this "game" it probably will end in failure to some degree.

High libido Low libido marriages are difficult. I am in one myself. My wife thinks something is wrong with me because of my high libido. I tell her it is only high when it comes to her. I am not into the porn and all that crap.

My advise to you is sit down with your husband, tell him what you expect. Hint: He may not like your high frequency. Since he may throw a low frequency at you, so start high and meet somewhere in the middle.
11-07-2011 12:30 PM
toolate
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
I have a very high libido and I was also rather wild when I was single.

From past experience and having three brothers, I know that men will have more respect for a woman that holds off on sex. For this reason, it is best not to share the number of partners you have had with men. We are w*ores and they are studs when they sleep around. It is so unfair, yet unfortunately very true.

Most people in my generation have sex within 3-4 dates. Before I was married, if I only wanted to have fun, it didn't matter when I had sex with a man. It was about meeting a physical need and nothing more. However, if I wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship, I refused sex for at least one or two months. My husband always says that most women slept with him faster than I did-I waited around 6 weeks!

Marriage has become a safer and more intimate way for me to explore my sexuality. I have done things with my husband that I never done with any other man, despite being a trollop in the past. Nothing compares to making love to my very best friend, my partner for life. I wish we could make love every day, but he has problems cumming if we don't leave a day in between.

Your husband married you, despite whatever time you chose to sleep with him. How have both of you dealt with this issue?
How have we both dealt with it? I am sexually frustrated and he lives his life the way he wants. He is thrilled when we dont have sex. He with holds it if I dont get the coffee prepped for the next morning, or dont make the beds (I am on the road commuting kids to school 20 miles away... which leaves me on the road between 2-5 hours a day and out of the house between 4-8 hours a day...).... after a year and a half of doing all he wanted around the house and still being turned down if I approached him for sex, I had an affair. Husband was happy for the first time in our marriage (only married since 2009)... and had sex with me more than any other time in our marriage! I would do the same again, but cant fit it in now that kids are older and have soccer and drama performances that I volunteer at school etc for.

So, it hasnt been dealt with. He argues with me every time I try to bring it up... except when I went on the sex strike for 2 months... he was also happy then. Before we married, he was a sex freak! He opened me up to things I had never even thought of (I was kind of boring in bed before I guess... never had any complaints) and then shut it down.

If my money wasnt in the house and my kids were not in the picture, I would have left, bc its an awful situation.

I hope that answers your questions...
11-05-2011 10:03 AM
Enchantment
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Well, to be honest with you, most people get turned off when someone is constantly seeking validation from them, which is what I think you are doing with your husband.

You need to back off and contemplate that you get the most validation from no one else but yourself. Learn to respect yourself and grow as an individual and you won't need to smother your husband constantly seeking his validation. You may be interested in reading this article about that subject:

Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? | Psychology Today

Here's a thread about that smothering (being the 'hotter' partner in a relationship) that's written mostly from the male perspective, but really the sex doesn't matter. You can reverse the sexes in the following post, and it still applies:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-cl...er-your-r.html

Best wishes.
11-05-2011 08:19 AM
Laurae1967
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

I think the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is relevent more for dating than your marriage.

A few things jump out at me. You equate his lack of sex drive with a lack of value for you. Not sure that goes together unless he is treating you poorly in general. Just because he doesn't want sex often does not automatically mean he doesn't value you.

I think a healthy marriage leads to a healthy sex life. I think when one or both partners suffer from insecurity, trust issues, depression, infidelity, or fear of intimacy, that gets in the way of a healthy sex life.

Your husband may feel like he can never please you with the amount of sex you want and so has given up. You may have made sex more of a chore and obligation than a pleasure through your complaints about the infrequency of sex. Your husband may also have issues going on (that I mentioned above) and he's using a lack of sex to keep distance in the relationship due to fear of intimacy.

I think game playing is a marriage killer. Shifting the dynamic in a relationship is not the same as game-playing, though. If you are overwhelming your husband with pressure and negativity about his lower sex drive, stopping that behavior can help the situation, possibly. If you are in general a critical person and have made your husband feel as though he can't do anything right, can't ever meet your needs, is just not good enough as a husband, that is a problem that needs to be fixed on your end. Again, learning more effective ways to relate to him (and him to relate to you) is not game-playing.

So those are my thoughts, for what they are worth. I think you are taking the lack of sex too personally (which is understandable) but most often it's not about your desireability but more what is going on in the marriage, with your husband, and how you are both relating to each other.
11-04-2011 11:21 PM
Halien
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by toolate View Post
What is better guys... a woman who you get to sleep with on the second date and wants sex more than you in the long run, begging for it so that you hear her as a nagging sex fiend, or a woman you had to impress before letting you sleep with her, and allows you to make the moves and you still have to prove yourself as worthy in order to have that prize?
Well, I thought that I was a pretty normal drive man until stumbling across this site. Boy was I wrong, when you consider some of the guys who are in relationships where their wife's sex drive dries up right after "I do"!! I just didn't really have to every day, but intimacy was definately an everyday thing. I am at about every other day for sex, except weekends, where we often fill in the gaps from the week. My wife is high drive.

Frankly, I choose neither of those options. To be with someone who was pretty confident, and relaxed about it is a utopian view. No stress or games. Just accepting. Willing to be aggressive when she wants to be, and hard to get in a flirty way. Now, I wouldn't like begging or constant asking, but sometimes I like to pursue from the moment I get home, other times she just gives me the look.

To be honest, so much of my wife's interest is wrapped up in a confusing mix of insecurity, even after 24 years. Its not just simple 'wanting'. If she'd just relax, smile or flirt, or sneak into the shower, we'd be like the first ten years or so, when we never had a TV and never missed it. In those years, I was always the alpha dominant. I don't know how many times we rented a beach house for the week, opened the windows, and barely saw the beach.

Oh, and she was pretty convinced that I wasn't the one when we first dated, and pretty religious, but said that she had a crush for a few years. Took months of pursuit to get to the sex stage. Not sure that my stubborn determination is a positive sometimes, in other areas.

If you want my opinion, the problem doesn't appear to be you.
11-01-2011 10:46 PM
larry.gray
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TallJeff View Post
I don't think it's the games that make people motivated or interested -- some people just have higher libidos than others. Unfortunately you married a lower libido person.
I'm the high drive hubby and I'd say that's true.

I took wifey's virginity on our second date. She'd been in long relationships and done very little before that. She says that when she met me, she knew and didn't want to wait.

That history does squat to kill my drive, I WANT HER (and often).
11-01-2011 09:39 PM
Runs like Dog
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

Men are from Mars Women are from Just Shut the F^ck Up for a minute.
11-01-2011 08:46 PM
magnoliagal
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

I'm a high drive wife who was married to a low drive husband. I've fixed the problem and I assure you it had nothing to do with games or how soon I slept with him before marriage. Our lack of sex was a symptom of a much much bigger problem.
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