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Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

Thread: Motan's story - taking things for granted Reply to Thread
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  Topic Review (Newest First)
01-07-2012 04:41 AM
Re: Motan's story - taking things for granted

I'm sorry for your pain. I mean no offense but how could you think that 2 people in love could be separated for so long and not have the relationship weaken? I'm not blaming just you; it sounds like it was a joint decision, all along. Did it ever enter your mind that 18 months is a LONG time to not have affection and sex with the one you love? I hope you two can start over again but take my advice and never let the miles separate you if you can ever prevent it! You never let something precious out of sight for very long if you value it.
01-05-2012 10:23 AM
Re: Motan's story - taking things for granted

be strong man and you are always welcome to share us here
12-31-2011 07:22 PM
Motan's story - taking things for granted

Hi all,

Iím new here, but Iíve been reading quite a lot of posts in the last few days, so I wish to thank you for being quite so open when it comes to marriage. I personally feel this is more of an intimate matter, but I could be wrong.

We started our relationship 7 years ago, both students at different universities in the capital of an Eastern European country. I got a scholarship 3 months after we met, to work 3 months in a British company. Back then, I wanted to end the relationship, it wouldnít last. I argued my reasons, but eventually we both felt it would be a false break-up so we kept it alive. While I was in the UK, she started attending the same university as me, pursuing the same scholarship. Two years later, she got the scholarship and I decided to join her as well and maybe find work in the UK, build a fortune and then live happily ever after in UK. It worked, partially; I didnít make a fortune, but she got the idea of starting a masterís course there. I encouraged her and supported her. It was hard, but totally worth it.

Anyways, just when she started the masterís, I got a ďone-in-a-lifetimeĒ job offer from a company in Germany. Working illegally in the UK and being quite fed up with my boss, I left the country and returned home. After 9 months of negotiation with the German company, I got the contract and started work there. My then girlfriend joined me a few months later and we lived what I believe was a wonderful time, we enjoyed plenty of ice cream.

She started getting fed up about staying at home and I didnít blame her, so we started looking for a job for her. I actually begged my boss to help us in some way, but to no avail. She became good friends with one of my colleagues and this colleague suggested that my girlfriend learn an Asian language that would help her get much easier in the same company. We then got married (to my shame, it was just signing of papers, not even a ring) and struggled for a few months to get financially in order and then she left for Asia to learn the language. Initially it was a 6 months deal, but we agreed to extend it to 12 months and then to 18 months. Long distance relationship, we knew it wouldnít be easy, but ďno pain, no gainĒ and I would prefer to struggle now, but provide a certain future to my future children and to my wife. Quite often I actually thought of her as the mother of our future children.

At work, I also had a pretty rough year, working mad hours to support us and expecting a promotion that didnít materialise (I was demoralised), so I gave her less and less attention.

Recently she told me that, while she admires me as a person and adores my dreams, she doesnít feel the same way about me, she doesnít love me anymore. And this was going for quite a few months back. I was in complete shock. I felt the ceiling crushing me, the chair legs breaking and falling through 5 concrete floors. For a few days, I thought it was just a bad dream, this could not be happening, but it was getting more and more real. Needless to say, I cried like mad for days in a row. I did (what now I see was a mistake) beg her to reconsider her decision. Her reasons are that she wants to live her own life, not mine; she wants to live her dreams, not mine. She wants to go back to our home country and start all over, put some money aside and then maybe enrols in a PhD.

I do love her a great deal, but I have made huge and hard to believe mistakes. I took for granted that she has the same ideals, goals and dreams as me, but I didnít live up to her expectations as a loving partner. It was hard being away for such a long time, but I just want the chance to make things right. We still talk, she largely still depends on my support and I wouldnít let her down in any case. Sheís due to come back in a few months and I wanted to take her on a little vacation just for ourselves, away from people and worries, to rediscover each other as we are. She seems quite reluctant to do it, fearing of pressure.

Itís been a wake-up call for me. Iíve already started to change myself (for me mostly), by choosing to work less hours, maybe even quitting this job, getting rid of some dependencies that I have and become a better me. I do not know what to do now, I still want our marriage to continue, but one doesn't make a couple. I understand that chances of reconquering her heart are close to null.

Iím sorry for writing so much, but I felt like letting it off my chest for a little. Thanks for reading my story.


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