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Topic Review (Newest First)
02-22-2012 09:32 AM
Kitty84
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Thank you Homemaker. The people in question became very good mutual friends, who both text / messaged me after I left my H saying they were thinking of me and hoped I was ok. It did hurt a abit to be shut out by them.

Definitely a down day today. x
02-22-2012 09:23 AM
Homemaker_Numero_Uno
Re: Dealing with lonliness

He can't abuse you directly, so he is abusing you indirectly because he knows this will get to you. Try to have perspective about it, even though it's difficult right now. This will change, I'm guessing during your relationship you were socially isolated attending to his stated needs. Now you're in a kind of void, but you're getting anchored, doing the right things. Just keep doing that and if you decide that you don't want to be involved with his friends, you will be the one doing the blanking, and grateful when his friends cooperate with your action. It will be the same behavior, but a different feeling from it. One of relief that finally you two are on the same page. If his friends are so blind to think that what he is telling them about you is wrong, then they are the ones who are being manipulated and hurt by him, they're just unaware of being used as extensions of himself. You might even feel sorry for them. Eventually they will realize and he won't have friends, or they're just the sort of people who also need to hurt others in order to feel alive. If they can't hurt you, because you stopped caring, they'll move on to other targets. Make sure your FB is protected from people you don't want seeing your info and anyone you feel unsure about or feel like you have something to 'prove' to regarding what happened in your relationship and knows your H, is deleted and blocked.
You don't have to give any explanation, just that this is what you decided for your own reasons, if they ask or act put out.
02-22-2012 09:16 AM
Kitty84
Re: Dealing with lonliness

I have been referred for counselling and cognative behavioural therapy so waiting for that to start.

Ex's friends have deleted me off facebook and one blanked me in the street yesterday. Not feeling my best today, very teary x
02-20-2012 06:35 AM
Homemaker_Numero_Uno
Re: Dealing with lonliness

When I was 17 I was living on my own at a beach resort working for the summer. A high school friend gave me a ride back to the city where my orthodontist was. On the way, we stopped at a fast food joint and were sitting speaking in French (for practice...) and then the discussion turned to how strange it was to see each other after so much time apart (she'd gone to private school, I'd stayed in public and then left without graduating...) and about how suddenly we were catapulted out into a world where we did not have our 'group', meaning that group we'd belonged to in high school, where every day we convened on the 'steps' at lunch (we shunned the indoor cafeteria, and preferred to eat under the sky, even when it was raining, or cold...)

She said something to me that her mother had told her.
Be your own best friend.

It was impressed upon me at that time, that adults spend time on their own, and that time counts. It allows them to be effective parents, whole people, to create art, to connect to and know themselves, and to bring that to others when they get together, after being apart, or when meeting someone new.

It was comforting for me to know at that age, that being alone in a responsible way was part of becoming an adult in our society. As children, we do it naturally !!!!! and then we develop egos, by layers or hurt or attention - too much of either can be damaging.

But I still remember the SHOCK at realizing that this was it. There is no marriage or family situation or job situation or group membership that will ease loneliness or guarantee that you will never be alone in the world. Between a person and isolation, is only how they accept it. I think for adults, it's the equivalent of toilet training. Kids can either be proud of their poopoo and accept it as something that happens in life and have control of it in a good way, or they can fight it. Neither alone-ness or poop are going to stop in this world. Even people in hospitals on rotational skewers in a coma are left alone sometimes with just a monitor on for connection. (I sat and read to some patients who were in this state when I was an ekg tech, but of course, when my buzzer goes off I have to go and do my job...always excuse myself, but fact is one human cannot always be there for another). The only person you can count on consistently for company is yourself, sometimes you might get fed up with yourself, for dragging your feet or not being fun, but that's the way friends are, too! If they're not, then they're not showing you their real side, and that's also an issue, not knowing others well enough to realize that everybody has dishes and laundry and paperwork and feeling under the weather and stuff like that. Being able to go the distance for yourself means eventually being able to be a good friend for others and hold out a hand when they need it, but not project a need for company onto others. I've had days where I just took a friend to the dock and let her sit and read. That was company, share my view, literally.
02-20-2012 06:21 AM
Kitty84
Re: Dealing with lonliness

I have a doctors appointment in a few hours, I'll let you all know how I get on x
02-20-2012 03:59 AM
TheMizz...erable
Re: Dealing with lonliness

The lonliness is hard. I consider myself to be a bit of a loner but I like to be with someone sometimes. Watched 6 dvds this weekend. Went to a political meeting. Stuff to just kill time for now.
02-13-2012 10:49 PM
Freak On a Leash
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitty84 View Post
Hi,

I have found myself seeing a very distant and erratic man, just because he is company and gives me those cuddles in the morning that I'm scared to be without.

I would really be interested in hearing other people’s experiences of life post separation.

x
I've been separated over a year. Personally, I'd rather be alone then cuddling with a guy who doesn't turn me on.

I like having my own place a lot. My husband and I are still in a relationship but I'm glad we are separated. He talks about us living together again someday but personally, I prefer things they way they are. I keep thinking "why ruin a good thing?".
02-13-2012 10:37 PM
Freak On a Leash
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish girl View Post
I read somewhere that there are groups at meetup.com where you can put your zip code in and they have different groups and type of interests for people to socialize. For example, I joined a women's walking group. I start on Wednesday. They also have things like if you are interested in cycling, hiking, taking pictures, amusement parks, or just general meet ups for breakfast or coffee with a group of people just trying to make new friends. It's not so much for dating although anything can happen, you never know who you are going to meet but it's just more for social, common interests, having fun, and making friends. We will see how my first meet up group goes but worth a try. i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.
I'm big into hobbies and I belong to meetups for hiking, kayaking and just plain socializing. Sometimes I do want to get up and out and social meetups ares a great way to get out of the house and mix and mingle with people.

You can pretty much pick and choose what it is you want to do. They have meetups for everything, including single groups, divorce support, single parents, etc, etc as well as for any interests or hobbies you might want to do, be it basket weaving or rock climbing.

The nice thing is, the groups are comprised of people who want to get out and meet other people so they are generally a friendly bunch. It's definitely a great start. I attend the meetups quite regularly. I went to a Superbowl party with one meetup group and this weekend I will be going to a bar with the same group and am contemplating hiking with another group. There's no commitment other than signing up so if you decide not to go then it's a matter of just logging on and changing your RSVP. I like the freedom and lack of social entanglements.

My advise is that you keep your expectations in check. I don't go to these events looking to make lifelong friends or the next love interest. Meetups suit my personality style because I like casually hanging out with people and then going home. I'm just looking to have a good time and get out. I don't expect much and am not all that emotionally invested.

I also don't mind being alone. I work alone and like it. I have no problem doing stuff on my own and I often prefer it. For many years my husband pretty much ignored me so I got used to doing stuff on my own. It was better than waiting around or arguing or begging him to do things with me.

I have no desire to get entangled in another romantic relationship, in fact I like living in my own place and having the freedom to do my own thing and when I do want to socialize then clubs and meetups fill in the gaps. Often I'll see something on a Meetup and opt to do it myself. One thing I do like is that the Meetups give you some great ideas about things to do even if you don't do it with the group.

That said, I haven't always been like this. My neediness and fear of being alone is what got me involved with my husband 25 years ago and the net result was 20 years in a bad marriage. In retrospect it's a very bad way to be because I made a lot of bad decisions based on my fear of loneliness.

IMO being content with your own company is a form of liberation and a source of strength for me now.

Do I get lonely? Well sure, there are many times when I do miss the companionship of a significant other. I guess I'm lucky that I have my kids and am able to keep myself amused but I will say that it's better to be alone then in a bad relationship with someone who makes you miserable.
02-13-2012 12:05 PM
Kitty84
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I saw some friends and had a housewarming with my new flatmates on Saturday night. Unfortunately I still saw innapropriate man, but not for the whole weekend like we have previously done. I think I shall definitely have to wean myself off him!

Tried to get a doctor's appointment today with no luck so have to call back at 2pm tomorrow.
02-09-2012 04:20 PM
Mamatomany
Re: Dealing with lonliness



My dosage is different 1/2 a pill 10, 2, 6 and a whole one before bedtime. It really has helped my spirit and my ability to focus at work.
02-09-2012 12:37 PM
SailingSoloAgain
Re: Dealing with lonliness

First, let me say I'm not in the pharmaceutical business, I'm not a shill. Although this would be a ripe hunting ground for guerilla marketing.

Depending on your boss you might want to consider putting off that talk till after you see your Dr. If your boss will be supportive, go ahead. If not, I'd wait.

I started feeling a lot better within 15 minutes of taking the first one, and that particular day was what I would consider one of the 10 worst of my life.

Dr said take 3 a day and 2 before bed, OR, take one when you feel like you need a hand. I take one in the morning and one before bed. The way it appears to work for me is that it lets problems come at you more slowly. You can think them through one at a time, instead of the constant overwhelming barage of worries, fears and aggravations we're all facing now. I have noticed no other effects than a drastic improvement in my thought process, the quality and positiveness (is that a word?) of those thoughts, and ability to sleep. Thank god I can sleep now, it's worth it for that alone. I have the motivation to exercise again. It's certainly down the road but I know a time will come when I've dealt with everything I need to in a positive, constructive way, and I'll no longer feel the need to take it.

If the need does not go away, then I am depressed independently of the current situation, and that's why the stuff was invented in the first place. I'll keep taking it, and I'm OK with that because so far it has literally made life worth living again.

Knowing myself, I know that the time was not far off when I would have snapped and come at my wife with demands, deadlines, ultimatums and accusations. Doing that would have thoroughly destroyed any chance of the reconciliation I want more than anything else I've ever wanted. The thoughts of doing that no longer enter my mind. I have the patience to give her the time that she, my IC and MC tell me she needs in order to reconnect with herself.

My STBRW (I'm thinking so positively I invented a new acronym - Soon To Be REUNITED Wife) said she sees a marked improvement in me as a person. I had begun a journey of self improvement before the xanax, her comment about my improvement came before it. But I was backsliding, plagued by doubts, and losing the motivation to continue the path. I'm pretty sure that without it I would have reverted to being the booze hound I was the last time I went through this.

Herewegoagain, you owe it to those that love and depend on you to at least look into it. I'm a big dude and had your same mindset about toughing it out. Now I know that mindset was a big contributor to being in this mess in the first place.
02-09-2012 11:07 AM
Kitty84
Re: Dealing with lonliness

I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor shortly - to be honest I'm a bit scared about being put on antidepressants.

Today has been a particularly bad day. I've been drinking a lot lately after work and this of course hasn't helped. I haven't been able to face food at all.

I am going to have to sit my boss down at some point and explain to him how I feel as this is affecting my work. Not looking forward to that.

x
02-09-2012 11:04 AM
Mamatomany
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Herewegoagain,

When my GP put me on xanax he started me low and said it's about a 6-9 month plan. He told me divorces don't happen over night and if it ends up that we repair our marriage that it won't be instant either. The xanax definitely will help even my moods out, then he will wean me off. It is amazing the difference it made in my mood. My psychotherapist isn't a huge fan, but she said she has seen people tolerate more than they normally would. It makes me think clearer.
02-09-2012 09:51 AM
herewegoagain
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Quote:
Originally Posted by SailingSoloAgain View Post


I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.
I am wrestling with this. As a man I feel like I have to be able to handle this on my own. But I own my business and others peoples pay/lively hood are directly related to me being able to function. Not to mention my kids need me to be there more than anything now.

I think I will see my doctor and see if he can help, my biggest concern is that once the medicine is gone in a month or 6 months will I be able to cope on my own.
02-09-2012 08:18 AM
SailingSoloAgain
Re: Dealing with lonliness

Kitty, I was in a similar situation, although on the receiving end of it.
I could not function at work, couldn't concentrate, had crying jags at inappropriate and very inconvenient times. I spent 20 minutes looking for my reading glasses and found them on top of my head. I went to the grocery store, went to get gas, went to Walmart, and came home. I looked down and saw I was wearing 2 completely different shoes. I slept 2 to 3 hours a night, and ruminated on negative thoughts the remainder of the time.

In a nutshell, I was a useless wreck, and worried I'd soon be unemployed, destitute and homeless.
I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.

Now the old me is back. And I mean old in the sense of I feel like the person I was before I turned into the crabby, morose s**t my wife left.

My concentration is back. I can put negative thoughts out of my mind. I can think about my current situation with clarity. I sleep through the night, woken up by an alarm clock instead of the demons that whirled in my head. I converse with people, they seem to like conversing with me. I may have actually made a friend last night, I have not had a friend other than my wife in about 7 years. The difference in me is astounding.

Go see your Dr, he or she can help. It was a last resort for me but should have been one of the first.

And I think you know - Appropriate or not, you shouldn't be 'seeing' anyone at this stage.
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