Going Through Divorce or SeparationA new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.
Topic Review (Newest First)
02-24-2012 04:31 AM
Re: New guy, new story, sorry it is so long.
Huge break through.
I gave in to “M’s” parents advice. Basically I was at a point that I was done anyways so why not try to just put the ball in her court as a last chance effort? I mean, that is what was going to happen anyways.
She did not take it well at all. That was yesterday.
So today, after 24 hours of NC (lame huh?!? ) hehe, I decided I needed to clear the air a bit. While I had been doing a lot of letters and emails with my thoughts, she did not allow us to have real conversations face to face. She admitted she over reacted to me telling her I needed space to move on, and I was able to get her to come clean about the OM. 2 dates, some talking, nothing physical (with her that is possible, for our sake, I have to believe it…) but nothing serious, just trying to shake loose from us.
When we split she had a list of complaints, while these certainly were important to her, they needed to be addressed, but they were trivial, simple. They were not anything game breaking for me to address, and most could have been fixed with just better communication. I was able to finally have her really look at the time we have been spending “as friends” and she was able to see that, for the most part, her concerns had been addressed.
She said she will think on it. I got through to her. I know the hardest part is still coming. She is afraid that we can be happy for a year or so then things will just cycle back; I have get her to understand that the relationship that we build will be new, one that might have up and downs, but does not bottom out. I also have to get her to understand the difference between emotion and love. “Love but not in love”, if more people understood that the emotions that came with love was only a (pleasant) side-effect, I think there would be much more success. You are not happy; you don’t feel the positive emotions that come with love, that is just the way it is. Those feelings will have to be nurtured back, but they will never be there if you have a castle around your heart.
Any advice or words of wisdom from the forum? I would love to keep the momentum going forward to a little safer waters.
Thanks for reading.
02-22-2012 07:38 PM
New guy, new story, sorry it is so long.
Here is my story for anyone who would like to read it. If nothing else I am just expressing myself and trying to figure out where I go from here. Sorry for the length, I don’t know how to shorten it and tell what I need to say.
“M” and I have been together for 8 years now. We’ve had our fair share of challenges and splits, but we always made it and always came out stronger on the other side. The last time we split it worked out the best. We moved in together, started planning a life, talking about a family. One day she did something she knew would cause a fight, she knew it was wrong and there would be only one way I would respond (she knows me pretty good I guess). She used this as an excuse, she left and moved in with her parents saying she needed some space but we can work things out. I did my best to give that to her, but I know I was not the most generous of persons on that first day, I was shocked, dumbfounded and had no clue what was going on.
We met up a couple weeks later after maintaining a small amount of contact for dinner and a movie. It was here she used the “love but not in love” line. I am sorry, but I do not believe in that what-so-ever but I will touch on that later. She said I deserve to be happy and she was happy to have shared out time together and all the normal stuff. She also wanted to stay friends, did not want to lose me from her life.
I partially agreed. I also did not want her out of my life, and we could “be friends” on the condition she understood that I was after more, while our friendship was not held hostage to us getting back together, under no circumstance would I be giving up the hope of “US”. I kept wooing her, but kept it to emails, cards and just the occasional talk. Face to face, we began to spend much more time together but as “friends” enjoying each other’s company, and I had thought building back something special. We were doing things together, dinner, gym, TV, board games, whatever at least half of the week and increasing.
As for me, I realized that while I was not the sole party responsible for the break up, I did have my fair share. I had been injured a few years back and I had no clue how much it affected me. This breakup gave me motivation to look in, what I found is that I had become overweight, boring, cynical and at least moderately depressed. I started working on me when I was not with “M”, getting into shape (almost back to my college scholarship athlete shape now), reading, and researching. Learning about what it was I was doing wrong and how I could have been better. I have so much more to give now than I did before. I can accept her flaws without needing to “change them”, I can accept mine and understand how to improve them. There is much more to this, but let’s just say, I have grown more in the last two months than in the years since I was hurt. I saw a therapist who did the unheard of, told me after 2 visits I was welcome to come, but I did not need her help, I was doing just fine on my own and better than most would be able to advise.
Back to “M”. I was following, I guess, the 180 strategy along with some other ideas, rejecting manipulation like NC or other mind games. I wanted to be honest and develop a new relationship with the person I loved, not “fix” the dead broken one, and I thought we had a very good chance.
After spending the last 3 days together she left my house to go back to her parents, calling me and letting me know she was home safe and had a great time. 1 hour later everything changed.
I do not have FB, I just cannot bring myself to use it, I feel it is more of a younger person’s thing (Mid 30’s so I might be in the minority there). But I do know folks who do, including people who are “friends” with “M”. I was shown a post that 1 hour after we talked, she was now “in a relationship” with this guy I have never hear of. A new FB friend from a week ago or so. You want to talk about the bottom falling out….
I like to think of myself as a gentleman when I comes to a lot of things. I wrote her parents a goodbye email, thanking them for accepting me in and for all the wonderful times we shared. I wanted them to know that I had no hard feelings, if they ever needed something to let me know. The reply shocked me. They were pissed at her, and thought she was making a huge mistake. Their advise was to immediately shut down communication, stop being the “nice guy” and make her miss what she had. She was getting the emotional needs filled by me while the “excitement” filled by the new guy. They were not playing games with me either. After a few back and forth emails, they made it clear they were not going to let her about the communication, they wanted updates and they wanted things to work. They wanted their daughter to stop acting so immaturely, and that the “love but not in love” line was crap. She was just afraid, worried that we would keep the same cycle and was looking for a way to “get over us”.
This goes against my values though. “Make her miss me” sounds too much like playing games. But I am willing to try it at this point, or at least limited contact and check in once a week or so. She knows how I feel, she knows I want to be married to her and she knows now after the good time we’ve spent that we can work, it can be better.
What says you folks who have been in this place? My biggest concern at this point though is even if it works, depending on how far this other “relationship” has gone, I might not physically be able to accept her back. I am weird that way.