Talk About Marriage - Reply to Topic
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Thread: What to do? Reply to Thread
Title:
  
Message:
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :
Post Icons
You may choose an icon for your message from the following list:
 

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

Topic Review (Newest First)
03-02-2012 12:11 PM
ShootMePlz!
Re: What to do?

Has she given you a complete time line of all her sexual activites with these men? When, Where, how many times etc!!
03-02-2012 10:35 AM
morituri
Re: What to do?

Your wife is suffering from arrested development and is essentially stuck in adolescence. She is not ready to be in any type of committed relationship until she addresses and resolves her issues through professional counseling.

As I said this so many times, a marriage cannot survive if it is missing one or more of these: love, trust and respect. Your wife has no respect nor love (not a feeling but an action) for you. And you have no trust in her. The healthy choice for you is to divorce her so you can heal and move on with your life.
03-02-2012 10:00 AM
bandit.45
Re: What to do?

This woman is tainted, putrified flesh.

Christian good girls are the worst about this. OP needs to run from her like a raped ape.
Posted via Mobile Device
03-02-2012 09:28 AM
Kallan Pavithran
Re: What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post


You caught her once before, she begged forgiveness, you stayed and thought you worked it out, now you've caught her again, even worse this time, she's begging forgiveness and wants you to stay and work it out ... do you see a pattern starting to form?

Three years into the marriage she has an affair. Two years later, she has another affair. This is off-the-charts bad. You haven't seen your sixth anniversary yet and she's already had two affairs. In an earlier post, you said you appreciated everyone's advice as you know that everyone on this site has probably experienced a similar situation. Truth is, very few on this site have endured the level of infidelity you have this early in the marriage and very few have tried to reconcile after being cheated on twice, even where children were involved. You have no children. The first few years of marriage, when you don't have kids yet, are the easy ones.

Everyone who has posted here has given you basically the same advice. Cut your losses and move on. Some here have given you advice to take IF you want to work it out.

She has offered to do all the right things. Just words. No actions. She has been apologetic, but gets upset when you bring it up. You feel like she's just giving you lip service. It's easy for her to say the words, much harder for her to back them up. She's offered to quit traveling and delete Facebook but she hasn't done it on her own; she'll only do it if you "want" her to (that is, she'll only do it if you make her do it).

I usually am pro-marriage, but I do not want to see you waste more time only to find out later that it won't work out.

If you do try to work it out, start by taking her up on her offers to quit traveling and delete Facebook. Follow the other posters' advice about transparency, remorse, etc. In other words, if you try to work it out, really make her work for it so you can see whether or not she's just all talk. That way, you can move on sooner if she's not serious.


You said it, if he want let him take it. Else we can see him soon.
03-02-2012 03:05 AM
Will_Kane
Re: What to do?

You seem very level headed and you seem like you've got a good grip on the situation. You've identified what is wrong and deep down you know the answer to your own questions. It's hard to let go. You were young, she was young. Her parents were so strict that your dates consisted of the two of you sitting next to each other in church, and her parents didn't even approve of that. You two went from sitting next to each other in church to getting married. You were the only boyfriend she was ever allowed to have, and her parents didn't even really allow that. It seems that you were ready for marriage, but she apparently was not. All of this is no excuse for her cheating and you deserve better.

You're young and have no kids. You say you feel like you've invested a lot of time. That's not a good reason to stay. From my perspective, you have not invested a lot of time yet - you can leave now and find someone who will love you and not cheat on you.

You caught her once before, she begged forgiveness, you stayed and thought you worked it out, now you've caught her again, even worse this time, she's begging forgiveness and wants you to stay and work it out ... do you see a pattern starting to form?

Three years into the marriage she has an affair. Two years later, she has another affair. This is off-the-charts bad. You haven't seen your sixth anniversary yet and she's already had two affairs. In an earlier post, you said you appreciated everyone's advice as you know that everyone on this site has probably experienced a similar situation. Truth is, very few on this site have endured the level of infidelity you have this early in the marriage and very few have tried to reconcile after being cheated on twice, even where children were involved. You have no children. The first few years of marriage, when you don't have kids yet, are the easy ones.

Everyone who has posted here has given you basically the same advice. Cut your losses and move on. Some here have given you advice to take IF you want to work it out.

She has offered to do all the right things. Just words. No actions. She has been apologetic, but gets upset when you bring it up. You feel like she's just giving you lip service. It's easy for her to say the words, much harder for her to back them up. She's offered to quit traveling and delete Facebook but she hasn't done it on her own; she'll only do it if you "want" her to (that is, she'll only do it if you make her do it).

I usually am pro-marriage, but I do not want to see you waste more time only to find out later that it won't work out.

If you do try to work it out, start by taking her up on her offers to quit traveling and delete Facebook. Follow the other posters' advice about transparency, remorse, etc. In other words, if you try to work it out, really make her work for it so you can see whether or not she's just all talk. That way, you can move on sooner if she's not serious.
03-02-2012 12:56 AM
Kallan Pavithran
Re: What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Has it been good? Really?

I say your relationship has all been a tissue of lies, concoted by a pathological liar to keep you under control. You still only know at best 50% of the truth of what she has been doing behind your back.


She her self is a lie, your relationship is built on lie only. she is trying to manipulate you by begging and crying dont fall for that. God gifted you an opportunity to get away from her, use it as soon as possible.
03-01-2012 10:05 PM
MrQuatto
Re: What to do?

Clash, my concern here is that, like many cheaters arem she is a master manipulator. The flip flop of emotions, begging, pleading, are not unusual form a caught wayward. Often times, they do just that and take the affair underground.

You have an opportunity to put her actions to the test. Draw a line in the sand, call her on some of the items she has told you she would do as well as set some rules you havent even discussed with her. Tell her you are demanding a polygraph and an std test on her part that you will set up and actually see it through.

Those last 2 items will usually separate the manipulators from the truly remorseful. A remorse will agree to anything to try and fix "Some" of the damage done. A manipulator will balk and ***** and either end up refusing, lay guilt on to you or will trickle truth some details to you ahead of time, hoping to get you back down.

You HAVE to remember that EVERY back down, EVERY compromise, EVERY caving on your part will set back, if not destroy, any chance of R.

Q~
03-01-2012 04:18 PM
happyman64
Re: What to do?

Clash,

Time is on your side and I think it is good that you took some time for yourself.

If your wife is serious about changing her ways then call her bluff.

Tell her to quit her job or stop the traveling. She needs to send out NC letters that you approve to these OM.

You need to get her into some serious IC or you are going to be looking at OM3 and OM4 next. Cheaters lie.

She needs to be open about everything. Close facebook. She has shown that she cannot just be social with other men.

If she is willing to do all that and you Alpha Man Up and not let her rugsweep all her indiscretions under the rug then you have a chance.

But you need to get yourself to a point in your marriage where you know that even if you leave you will be ok. You love her, you want to be married to her but you have too much respect for yourself to tolerate her nonsense anymore. That is where your head needs to be. And she needs to know it.

And do not be afraid to leave her if she cannot hold up her end of the marriage. It is as simple as that.

By the way, do not protect the affair. Let the OM and their significant others know and tell her parents if that will help you.

No Mr Nice Guy Clash!!!
03-01-2012 03:59 PM
Shaggy
Re: What to do?

Have her take a polygraph on how many she has cheated with and how many times.

Ask her when she last contacted the OM

Exposť the OM.

If she honestly wants to do anything she will do the above, including go with you and help expse the OM.
Posted via Mobile Device
03-01-2012 03:57 PM
Shaggy
Re: What to do?

Have you finally exposed the OM?
Posted via Mobile Device
03-01-2012 01:30 PM
bandit.45
Re: What to do?

Quote:
Sometimes it's clear to me that I need to leave her, but then I think about how good our relationship has been & how good it could be. Will I always have problems trusting her or will it eventually fade?
Has it been good? Really?

I say your relationship has all been a tissue of lies, concoted by a pathological liar to keep you under control. You still only know at best 50% of the truth of what she has been doing behind your back.
03-01-2012 01:21 PM
AngryandUsed
Re: What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clash View Post
UPDATE:

Last Friday, I decided to take some time apart from her, and stay with my best friend while I sort out my feelings. It's been difficult. At first, she didn't understand why. She said it "came out of nowhere" and she was trying to figure out why I suddenly decided to do this. I told her it was because I didn't do it initially. I wanted to take some time alone after I first found out about the cheating, but she talked me into staying. Since I haven't been home, I think she's finally realizing the magnitude of her actions. She's apologized so many times & said that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she's coming to terms with the fact that it might be over.

She's begging me not to give up, and tells me that she'll do anything to save our marriage: quit her job, give up her phone, whatever it takes. It breaks my heart. I know she's remorseful for what she did, but I don't know if it's something I can ever get over. I'm still confused. Sometimes it's clear to me that I need to leave her, but then I think about how good our relationship has been & how good it could be. Will I always have problems trusting her or will it eventually fade?
Posted via Mobile Device
That is why dont decide anything in haste.
03-01-2012 12:48 PM
Clash
Re: What to do?

UPDATE:

Last Friday, I decided to take some time apart from her, and stay with my best friend while I sort out my feelings. It's been difficult. At first, she didn't understand why. She said it "came out of nowhere" and she was trying to figure out why I suddenly decided to do this. I told her it was because I didn't do it initially. I wanted to take some time alone after I first found out about the cheating, but she talked me into staying. Since I haven't been home, I think she's finally realizing the magnitude of her actions. She's apologized so many times & said that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she's coming to terms with the fact that it might be over.

She's begging me not to give up, and tells me that she'll do anything to save our marriage: quit her job, give up her phone, whatever it takes. It breaks my heart. I know she's remorseful for what she did, but I don't know if it's something I can ever get over. I'm still confused. Sometimes it's clear to me that I need to leave her, but then I think about how good our relationship has been & how good it could be. Will I always have problems trusting her or will it eventually fade?
Posted via Mobile Device
02-27-2012 02:09 PM
river rat
Re: What to do?

Maverick, if you read many of the posts here, you'll note that many of the wandering spouses seem to have characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. It is not possible for one person to meet the needs of someone like that. It is just unfortunate that there are so many of them out there.
02-26-2012 03:05 AM
Kallan Pavithran
Re: What to do?

Your wife cheated you constantly.the pain it causes is like cancer.When one is infected with a cancer only way to escape the pain is to surgically remove it, even if it pains, it will help us to get rid off the pain for our entire life.
This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:58 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.