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Topic Review (Newest First)
03-05-2012 11:40 AM
arbitrator
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpixie View Post
It seems the word 'dumper' itself may signify a particular type of person :
unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God. (arbitrator)
Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough. (Traggy)
I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy (agast84)
Instead of minimizing the damage, especially to the kids, she was, IMHO, very selfish about it. (papa5280)
She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol. (CSeryllum)

My STBXH has tried to get me to feel sorry for him because our split is one of the 3 most stressful things he's ever been through -- since this was avoidable, and the other 2 weren't, I am hard pressed to be sympathetic. Coming to a decision and going through the grieving process, without ever working with the other spouse to try to salvage or improve the situation (or even letting the other spouse know that you are THAT unhappy) is not something I can feel sorry for. There are at least two people involved -- more if the couple has children -- and, absence an abusive situation that will likely not change, both spouses owe it to the family to give it every chance before one decides it's just not working for him or her. I just don't understand the logic of it: the couple loved each other enough to vow to be together til death, but when things get rocky, one would rather go through the destruction of the entire family than to take a gamble that, with work, they could be happy again! Nobody wants to live an unhappy life -- including the 'dumpee'!! It's like the dumper becomes obsessed that the only way they will be happy is to completely destroy everything that represents their marriage. My STBXH has increasingly engaged in 'splitting' or black/white thinking: every time I talk to him, our problems and his dissatisfaction go back further in time. It has gone from ILYBINILWY, to 'I haven't even found you physically attractive for years' (during which time he was saying I love you, You are beautiful and/or sexy, and we still had an active sex life). It may be a defense mechanism for him (which is what my IC thinks), but when every memory is now tainted and the mind movies I see are not only him with OW, but him with ME, sympathy is extremely difficult.
A lot of common sense there, Angelpixie! I have those same countless gut-turning premonitions of my STBXW.
03-05-2012 09:43 AM
angelpixie
Re: Strange Thought

It seems the word 'dumper' itself may signify a particular type of person :
unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God. (arbitrator)
Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough. (Traggy)
I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy (agast84)
Instead of minimizing the damage, especially to the kids, she was, IMHO, very selfish about it. (papa5280)
She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol. (CSeryllum)

My STBXH has tried to get me to feel sorry for him because our split is one of the 3 most stressful things he's ever been through -- since this was avoidable, and the other 2 weren't, I am hard pressed to be sympathetic. Coming to a decision and going through the grieving process, without ever working with the other spouse to try to salvage or improve the situation (or even letting the other spouse know that you are THAT unhappy) is not something I can feel sorry for. There are at least two people involved -- more if the couple has children -- and, absence an abusive situation that will likely not change, both spouses owe it to the family to give it every chance before one decides it's just not working for him or her. I just don't understand the logic of it: the couple loved each other enough to vow to be together til death, but when things get rocky, one would rather go through the destruction of the entire family than to take a gamble that, with work, they could be happy again! Nobody wants to live an unhappy life -- including the 'dumpee'!! It's like the dumper becomes obsessed that the only way they will be happy is to completely destroy everything that represents their marriage. My STBXH has increasingly engaged in 'splitting' or black/white thinking: every time I talk to him, our problems and his dissatisfaction go back further in time. It has gone from ILYBINILWY, to 'I haven't even found you physically attractive for years' (during which time he was saying I love you, You are beautiful and/or sexy, and we still had an active sex life). It may be a defense mechanism for him (which is what my IC thinks), but when every memory is now tainted and the mind movies I see are not only him with OW, but him with ME, sympathy is extremely difficult.
03-04-2012 11:55 PM
arbitrator
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Do you consider a person who has legitimate reasons for leaving a marriage a dumper?
As I see it, "dumpers" can definitely come in two distinct varieties: (1) those whose actions are totally responsible and justifiable in either leaving the spouse or sending the spouse hastily on their way, or (2) it can be one of the unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God.
03-04-2012 11:27 PM
EleGirl
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
And not all dumpers move out of the house~ they just find a way to eject the dumpee, and then go on about the task of trying to ruin their lives!
Do you consider a person who has legitimate reasons for leaving a marriage a dumper?
03-04-2012 11:06 PM
arbitrator
Re: Strange Thought

And not all dumpers move out of the house~ they just find a way to eject the dumpee, and then go on about the task of trying to ruin their lives!
03-04-2012 11:03 PM
EleGirl
Re: Strange Thought

OP's question is a bit hard to answer since there are many reasons for leaving or 'dumping' one's spouse. Sometimes the one who does the 'dumping' has a very legitimate reason for leaving the marriage. And they often do go through a lot of anguish over doing it.

Not all 'dumpers' are cold hearted cheaters.
03-04-2012 10:58 PM
EleGirl
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadwithouthim View Post
You sound like my husband.
Posted via Mobile Device
Why is that? What was the situation when he left?
03-04-2012 10:56 PM
Traggy
Re: Strange Thought

Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough.

Rejection, especially when it is in your face daily, is a feeling they get to skip until they leave the fog and we do not take them back.
03-04-2012 10:33 PM
MeetVirginia
Re: Strange Thought

I am the "dumper" so to say, and before I did it I put up with about 8 years of serious unhappiness (we have been married 16 years). We had been to counseling about 5 years ago and thought things had changed, but he reverted back to his "old ways" after a year or so. I am afraid to live my life unhappy, it makes me feel like i cant breath when i think of feeling like this still 10 years down the road. I took a year of getting on meds for depression and some serious thinking to come to the decision to leave. We agreed on this together and are still seeking counseling while living apart. I dont know how it will work out. I have not done anything malicious, and I do feel badly for both of us. Fortunately the children are doing well. I do feel badly for the spouses who are faced with this, especially if it is sudden and unexpected. It is not an easy road, and I can see both perspectives........
03-04-2012 09:55 PM
Agast84
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamatomany View Post
Maybe they were raised to where they could never leave their family home. That does sound pretty dysfunctional.
that sounds familiar
03-04-2012 09:49 PM
Agast84
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by canguy66 View Post
I was not told about being a victim. I was told...
  • This will be good for both of us.
  • You'll find someone else.
  • I'm just not happy.
  • I don't want to hurt you anymore.
Sounds familiar to some of you I'm sure.


inside some ex's mind: ... which is why I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy.
03-04-2012 09:35 PM
Mamatomany
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by melissa68 View Post
Oh I would of loved to but she like her brother hangs up the phone as soon as they have their say or msg something online and then block me....so grown up...the whole crazy crew of em. She lives at home with the parents as well as my stbxh now....she is 48 and he is 42....things that make you say hmmmmm.......
Maybe they were raised to where they could never leave their family home. That does sound pretty dysfunctional.
03-04-2012 06:30 PM
melissa68
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Tell your sister in law to go f*ck herself.
Oh I would of loved to but she like her brother hangs up the phone as soon as they have their say or msg something online and then block me....so grown up...the whole crazy crew of em. She lives at home with the parents as well as my stbxh now....she is 48 and he is 42....things that make you say hmmmmm.......
03-04-2012 05:17 PM
Mamatomany
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by melissa68 View Post
omg that is all I hear now...how I'm trying to make him feel guilty if I mention anything to do with being hurt or the kids....I get told to stop using the kids to get to him....and told by his sister to 'woman up'...that I'm not the first to get her heart broken.
Insane! Wait we aren't talking about sane people - my bad!
Don't you just wonder what these H tell their friends/family in order to get such a crazy remark?

I do talk to my sister(and she tells my BIL) we all realize it's just my version of it. my perception = my reality... so they give me their advice and try never to say anything they will regret later if things change. I do realize and my IC points it out too that I defend him all the time... I guess I love him so I can forgive for now.
03-04-2012 04:57 PM
bandit.45
Re: Strange Thought

Quote:
Originally Posted by melissa68 View Post
omg that is all I hear now...how I'm trying to make him feel guilty if I mention anything to do with being hurt or the kids....I get told to stop using the kids to get to him....and told by his sister to 'woman up'...that I'm not the first to get her heart broken.
Tell your sister in law to go f*ck herself.
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