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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-10-2012 12:44 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

My heart goes out to you. I am truly sorry; but, this woman is not worthy of your love. Take stock of your self, read up on the "180" and move n with your life. I have been in your shoes and know the pain. It WILL get better and you will find someone who really loves you. Also, you need to tell the other mans wife/girl friend NOW!

Good luck
04-04-2012 04:33 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

I thought about looking for an elderly thread or two to revive shortly after I started posting here. It's almost a Rite of Passage.
04-04-2012 01:59 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
zombie thread!!
A night of the living death
04-04-2012 01:26 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

zombie thread!!
04-04-2012 01:22 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Oh my goodness.. I would give the world to have a husband like one of you guys. Life is not fair. Those women do not realise they have gemstones in husbands. They have completely abused you both and they do not even realiise how truly lucky they are. That is the problem... you love them too much. But good luck to you both.. hope things turn out in your favour eventually.
11-05-2011 01:52 AM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair


I don't know if your still active as this post is so long ago. Anyway, the part about the EA other then the explicit sex emails and the post admission of an EA and post admission mondo sex sounds like a rerun of my life.

Originally Posted by JBMB0922 View Post

I wanted to talk about an issue that I would like the community to comment on.

I started dating my wife when I was playing Jr. High Football (when I was 14) and she was 15. High School sweethearts! We dated for exactly 7 years and we married on the day of our 7th year dating anniversary. We have been married for almost 3 years now and she has had her 2nd emotional affair, with the same person.

The first EA I found out about while I was away on business. When I came home she wanted to talk and was "broken up" because she said we didnt communicate like we used to. I was expecting to come home to a wife and hug and love her like I always do, everyday, but more so this time because I had been gone for 3 days.

How I found out about it was that I check and pay the cell phone bill and found she had spent a considerable amount of time talking to a number that I had not scene before. I also noticed about 40-50 text messages to/from that same number. She also made us go to a party that he was at. After I put all of this together I called him and asked him to send me a copy of the messages she had sent to him (since she deleted them from her phone) and warned him to stay away from her. The messages didn't say much other than things along the line of "How's your day?" and "It's so nice out I am outside eating lunch! Hope you're doing good!" etc.

I was pretty messed up about it and we spent a couple days apart from each other. She exclaimed her love to me and told me that she cant live without me, I am her soulmate, I am the only one she loves etc. So, after a couple months of couples therapy sessions I was able to realize that there were some things I could also do differently and we started to rebuild what we had.

Everything was going great, at least for what I thought. I would stop into her work and take her out to dinner. I would talk to her almost everyday while she was at work. I would wake her up and take her to breakfast at our favorite local diners. I would send flowers to her work. I would compliment her everday and do the dishes, laundry, chores around the house to make it easier on her. I would hug her everyday and talk to her about her day, life, etc. I was literally doing everything I could and more. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to be the best husband any woman could ask for and I love this woman to death.

6 months later I start to put together some suttle comments from her. I notice distance from her. Not at first, but overtime the little things started to add up. So I know she would never use her cell phone to do anything "wrong" since I check the phone records, I installed a keylogger onto one of my computers (the one she primarily uses for Facebook, etc.). After the logger went to work I noticed she was accessing an email account that had me very confused. So after paying the full price for the software (the trial version does not let you see the passwords) I got the password and logged into this email account.

My world ended as soon as I logged in.

What I instantly noticed was that she had one contact for this email account and it was the same guy she had her first EA with, 6 months ago. The same guy she swore, she cried time and time again never to speak to again. The same guy that forced me/us to goto couples therapy because I didnt know how to deal with the pain.

This time around, the messages were extremely explicit in nature. They talked since about the beginning of Feb up until last week when I found out about it. There were about 150 messages total to and from. I saw that she wrote about things very sexually explicit in nature. They talked about having sex and she wanted to know if he was going to "F*ck her hard?" and she wrote about all of the disgusting things she was going to do to him. She wrote about how just talking to him makes her day so much more wonderful, etc. She even wrote once that she wished she had fallen in love with him sooner in life and that she will never be able to get over him. She wrote about how her body craves him in so many ways. She even sent him dirty pictures of herself.

I also come to find out that she would call him from her work phone up to 3-4 times a week and he would call her.

The only reason I do not believe they ever actually met is because he lives about an hour and a half away and there last messages to each other were along the lines of "When can this happen?" and "I cant wait for you to do these things to me!".

So, after I found out about all of this I asked her if she had any email accounts I didnt know about and she said "no?" Then I asked her about the email account that I knew about and she still said "I have no idea what you are talking about!". So then I said, here, allow me to login for you and with her sitting there she watched me login to her email account from her laptop. She instantly turned ghost white and started crying. I even had her read some of the messages to me.

I was shaking uncontrollably and crying. One of the messages that will stay with me forever is the one where she told him she wants him to c*m inside of her and watch him while he thrusts into her.

I called her parents and told them what was going on and her dad came to pick her up. He was very displeased with her as you could imagine and she stayed with her parents. I told her before she left that if you talk to this guy at all again you will never see me again unless at a divorce court hearing.

After she was at her parents for a few days I drove down there to pick her up and drove to one of the major lakes and parked the car overlooking the water at the boat dock. There we talked about the situation and she told me the night she left she called him (from her moms phone) to tell him that he ruined her life and to never speak to me again. She called him when i told her not too. I told her that if she wanted to tell him to leave her alone she could have done that while I was in the room with her listening to the phone conversation.

We have been talking and its been about 10 days since this happened. I am so broken up by this I dont know what to do. This is the woman of my life, the only woman I have ever loved since puberty! I married my soul mate. She now again claims that she loves me and that it was "just words" and she never "told" him she loves him and they never met in person.

She knows I am barely surviving this and the rollercoaster ride of emotions that I am battling has my head spinning out of control.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go a vacation with her family and I dont think I should go but at the same time... it's a vacation and we go once a year.

We have been having sex, some of the hottest sex of my life up to this point that I will never forget. She understands that I haven't made up my mind as to what to do with this yet and shes no wearing her wedding or engagement rings (as I took them off of her).

What do I do here?

Do I take back the woman I love that has told me a million times sorry and she has changed as a person from this experience and will always protect me from pain from now on? She will always do the right thing? She will call me immediatly if he ever tries to contact her? She will spend the rest of her life making it up to me?

Should I believe her? What happeneds to me if she does it again? I came very close to ending my own life once I found out about this. Extremly close. I know I wouldnt be able to survive another go around.

The primary questions are:

1. Should I go on vacation with her and her family this week?
2. Should I give her another chance?

Warmest Regards,

06-06-2010 06:55 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Ok, time for an update.

I still have prescription meds for my anxiety and am obviously depressed and have extreme trouble focusing, sleeping, no apetite, etc.

With that said, I have been weaning myself off of those medications for the last couple days and havent had a drink in a bit. Drinking has never been a problem for me, just drink socially at events or once or twice a month at the bar with my friends. I have since depleted my beer accrue from the fridge, lol.

Anyway, we had the court date and she showed up with a lawyer and asked for 12 months of no contact and she can stay at her parents house. Wow, I obviously disagreed and I SHOULD have asked the judge for a continuance to gain legal council because I knew I could beat this and prove to her that this (pfa) is a complete mistake and waste of time. She didnt get hit, was never in any REAL danger as she knows I wouldnt hurt her.... But, I didnt, tried to beat it on my own and she got her way, again.

So, shes still living at her parents house but the judge wants us to goto counseling and communicate as much as possible because he understands that this CAN be saved.

The ball is still completely in her court. She knows how I feel but as the days go by and she continues acting this way it makes me question why I am fighting so hard. Thoughts keep creeping in like... maybe I should go out into the world and find a woman who will love, honor, cherish, and respect me the way that I deserve. No one deserves to be cheated on and no one deserves to be bullied around after the fact.

We have even been seeing each other here and there as she has invited me to see her at night after her family is asleep and talk outside for a bit. The first time was like 5 minutes and this last time was around 10-15. Last night seeing her was great. We were hugging, kissing, talking about good things.

I have been reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" with great relevations and success. Anyone who is going through an affair needs to read this book. Anyone who wants to NOT go through one needs to read this book. Anyone who has hurt their spouse by having an affair needs to read this book to understand why they did what they did.

READ "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS"... it will help ALOT and possibly avoid a lot of pain for you and give you answers to questions.

At this point, I am the one trying to contact her. She is not trying to contact me at all. She tells me she loves me, etc. though. So many mixed messages its hard to decipher.

I'll update again once I have more solid information but as you all can see its still "up in the air" but I am fighting for this until she sends me divorce papers in the mail.
06-05-2010 09:05 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Your wife has to let you have open access to everything. What does she have to hide? Transparency is what you need. If you don't think you can ask for it, have someoneelse do it for you "on their own". Let one of your friends or relatives have that confrontation. You won't be snooping if everything is public.
06-05-2010 07:55 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

I feel all your pain. I found out about my wifes EA 8 days ago. She has stated that she will break all contact with the guy but it is so hard to fully put your trust back in the one you love. I know what you mean by feeling addicted to the one you love.
I found out that the "why" was exactly what you stated. I was not hitting her emotionally with what she needed.
So it took an email from someone else to start the spark in her. For 3 months I had no idea.
I think these things must all hit us exactly the same. I had the same feelings that you. I have not and will not resort to alcohol or drugs though, just feel the pain everyday.
There are ups and downs everyday. I want to look up everything and see exactly what she is doing but the only way is to install a spy program on her phone. Not something I want to do. How can one live like this, it can't happen. I will never build up trust if I continue to dwell on the past.
I am going to try and get through this. She has stated all the same things your wife has said to you, it will never happen again and she is so sorry and never meant for this to happen. I believe her that she never meant for this to happen, who really wants to destroy their marriage and emotionally kill their spouse.
I just hope that I can let go of the negative feelings that rule my days such as: who is she texting, why is she late coming home, and many others like that. This is the hardest thing to overcome before we can truly have a healthy relationship.
I like you felt intimacy was great, and we both have stated that "sex" between us is amazing, but what about "making love"? This is the emotional side that I know I was missing and trying to figure out how to get that back. Somewhere we got lost, like you, and got in the routine of just "sex". This obviously is not enough to maintain a strong marriage.
My sister has told me that unless I can stop wanting to check logs of computer and phone this relationship is doomed, and I would have to agree. This is the hardest part.
After reading your story I am also scared that it will happen again, but can only hope it will to.
You are not alone and I truly feel all of your pain. Stay strong and don't give up your self pride and dignity, this will only mess you up more. I refuse to give this up and if it gets to that point, as the song goes, "It's time for me to fly". There are many people out there and you do not deserve this.
06-01-2010 04:47 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Originally Posted by JBMB0922 View Post
I dont know... Im drinking all the time now and been taking my medication along with it. That count?
Yeah that's the ticket... I am depressed lets drink and take meds on top of that. You will dig yourself out of your hole in no time with that logic.


I know you are in a fragile state but what you are doing isnt the answer. You have to focus on YOU I know it seems hard. What else can you do. If you focus on her then you are going to loose your MIND!!!
06-01-2010 04:21 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Yeah...not really. I look at that as a waste of money - you paid good money for your booze AND your meds, and neither one is being used for the right reason.
06-01-2010 03:15 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

I dont know... Im drinking all the time now and been taking my medication along with it. That count?
05-28-2010 03:54 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

The first thing you have to do is get yourself in good shape - FOR yourself. You have to work on your mental state so that you are ok with yourself because you know you are valuable and deserve her. What are you doing to that end?
05-28-2010 01:16 AM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

Tell me how... please!
05-27-2010 12:29 PM
Re: Wife's 2nd emotional affair

jbm, are you all right? This can be turned around; we have the tools, if you want them. Let us know.
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