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Thread: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
02-28-2011 05:38 PM
williforget
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I am still wondering if there is anyone out there that has gone through the process of polygraph? Real experience would be appreciated.
02-25-2011 04:28 AM
Eli-Zor
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Your single issue is your wife is still in an affair with this guy even if is now an emotional affair. She must have no doubt that she has robbed you of many years of your marriage and this cannot be swept upper the carpet simply because she has had her fill .

Stop analysing and start doing , book a polygraph test, have a set of questions that you require answers to. Only let your wife know of the polygraph two or three days ahead. On the interim have a very clear conversation with her , emphasise she has taken away all trust , she has tainted the memories of the good times in your marriage and for you move on and to foregive her you have to know what you are forgiving. She must tell you everything, for example if you ask what she said on her last conversation with him she tells you, let her know you have booked a plolygraph and she has xx amount of time to come clean.

If she declines she is protecting the OM and is still in the affair, you then take action to break the affair , the first step is to expose the truth. Under no circumstance must you assume the affair is over , an affair over his period of time says there are deep emotional bonds , for you to move forward she has to do her everything to recover the marriage.

A polygraph is one of the few tools you have to verify the end of the affair and if she is being truthful. She will be unconfortable however as there is a very strong likleyhood they were intimate in your marital bed the discomfort she will feel does not compare to the hurt of betrayal you have.

Do not dilute the requirements for full honesty , this is required for you to recover.
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02-24-2011 11:31 PM
williforget
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Thanks everyone for your input but I did originally question the paternity of our first child. She convinced me then that nothing was going on then and she has convinced me that our children are mine. They look like spitting images of me and have some unique physical characteristics that are mine. Believe me I have looked long and hard. They are adults now so doing a DNA test is too painful and in the end it would not matter when it comes to my relationship with them. I am their father regardless. This does not mean I don't have some lingering doubts about her relationship with the OM. I am curious if anyone went to the stage of a polygraph and what the experience and result was?
02-22-2011 05:14 PM
michzz
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

You can test your kids with a simple cotton swap test through the internet.

Get one that is geared for genealogy to save face.

But get another one for paternity too.

You don't have to tell your kids you doubt their paternity. And do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Find out the do what you must with the results.

Your wife has deceived you for more than 2 decades and thinks that the passage of time is what matters.

It does not. When something like this is finally aired? It is like it just happened.

The THEFT of time is monstrous.
02-22-2011 04:36 PM
jamesa
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by zsu234 View Post
She's cheated on you physically and emotionally for 23 years. DNA your kids ASAP.
Sorry, but I agree.
02-21-2011 10:54 PM
twotimeloser
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

That whole "stoning them in the street" thing starts looking better every day.

let me help ya out her bud...

you want an honest relationship, start by being honest with yourself.

Then be honest with her.

Testing the kids will upset them, i get it, but they have the right to know. so do you.

Look, you are married to a dishonest person. you have no reason to trust her. Stop kidding yourself and make her earn trust. If you are even the slightest bit important to her she will break her neck to prove herself.

One ounce less than total effort on her part means she probably did more than you think.
02-21-2011 10:10 PM
cb45
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

chants....

"Poly! Poly! Poly!....Paaallllyyyy!"


good idea, methinks (for many).

Shalom.............
02-21-2011 09:57 PM
zsu234
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Your gut will never stop churning over this until you strap her to a polygraph and find out if she has been physically cheating this whole time. Look at you now, 23 years later and you're still obsessing. Hell, if I was in your shoes I would be too.

Put a stake in it and take action.
02-21-2011 12:53 PM
williforget
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I did confirm 22 years ago that the other guy's wife was having an affair. I was able to confirm this becasuse she contacted me then and told me. I think she suspected something had been going on with her husband and my wife, but we both were convinced by our spouses that it was not a physical affair. We all eventually moved on. Remember this was when we were in our mid20's and were not nearly as wise and elightened as we are now. My wife has steadfastly said that nothing happened physically after 23 years ago but she admits there were some lingeringing feelings after she broke it off. She admits she realized that she had a made a mistake then and committed to us. That was why she made the decision to have kids (I wanted them as well - I just did not realize then what she had done previously). It was not a mistaken pregnancy then. She went off the pill and we were pregnant shortly thereafter. We have been going to counseling and her "story" has remained consistent, but I still can't understand why she allowed this guy to continue to contact her (she says very infrequently) and she would reply (although her replies were very neutral to him). Can someone really have an affair (she admits she thought she loved him then - but realized towards the end that some things about him bothered her and she realized she wanted to be with me) and then continue a cordial relationship over so many years? I want to believe her but admit that I still don't get it.
02-19-2011 02:40 AM
cb45
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by williforget View Post
If you saw me (and the other guy) and my kids you would not have any doubt that I am their father. A DNA test is not necessary nor would it matter at this point.
maybe...maybe not. looks are no guarantee of squat being T or F.

Fact: she/he cheated on you 23 & poss less yrs ago.
Fact: she/he lied to you, decieved you, same as above.
Fact: she/he continued this "special realm" outside of u,
perpetuating basically, an EA for 23yrs.
Fact: you found out, and are dealing with(?) accepting(?)
perpetuating(?) it yourself(you/your choose/choice).

We dont see her demeanor, body language, her tone of
voice, etc. so its hard for us to say anything judgemental
re: her sincerity. obviously, trust has been broken/shaken
here thus, yer dilemma going forward.

IT is natural for us (when we are walking in the flesh) to
deny, deny, deny. for the mirror isnt pretty then(speaking here
of yer W being truly sorry, humble, caring, etc). Even if we/they
are telling the truth. its an anguish, a hell on earth type
of experience when one is trying to ascertain the truth of
a matter so close to the heart such as this is.

u have to ask yourself alot of tough questions. what can u live
with, and what can u NOT live with. what can u forgive, what
can u NOT forgive. ITs different for all of us.

i for one, believe i would (for i must do so, for both our good....) be able to forgive in some short period of time (6mos or less) but i couldnt live with her again as my many painful yrs of
living with her under the false umbrella of mistrust/distrust/false
sense of security/false peace of mind would only be accentuated by the many things she did/said (some of which u've already mentioned) over the yrs and i'd feel like a stooge, or pathetic little dwarf of a man, who got USED by accepting a W who is/was always ready to be USED by any other male, if the opportunity presents/presented itself.

like i said......tough questions/thoughts to be resolved by u, tho' i guess u could stick yer head in the sand again (what u
basically did, as indicated by yer own post here).

just some thoughts/impressions i got here reading yer post.
(including also: did u ever VALIDATE that OW cheating excuse
they gave u when they were in YOUR bedroom, or ignore it?)

You are not alone.

dont shoot this msgr man.
02-19-2011 12:15 AM
williforget
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

If you saw me (and the other guy) and my kids you would not have any doubt that I am their father. A DNA test is not necessary nor would it matter at this point.
02-18-2011 08:13 PM
avenrandom
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

On the comments about laughing in regards to "She says I have a trust issue." - You should know this is a reoccurring theme with the disloyal. She is simply deflecting what she cannot face in herself onto you. Simply put, she has trust issues because of the trust in you she betrayed.

While this is just one opinion from the many... Before you scream "DNA test!" to her, think about what you would do if 1) They aren't yours, and 2) How you will recover if they are yours and you put your wife through this. Of course she should understand why you would want to have this done, but I'd be surprised if she was mature enough to completely understand the situation based on the fact that she is deflecting instead of reflecting. Also, given the age of the children now, depending on the state, you cannot force them to get a DNA test- it would be their decision, and is one you have to take into account and respect.
02-18-2011 07:01 PM
paramore
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I am so sorry you are going through this, I agree with all of the above posts, doesn't matter if it happened 23 years ago, or 23 hours ago, she needs to deal with the consequences, and I hope you can both work through this. She needs to fess up and cut him out of your lives, is there any chance any of your kids might be his genetically? I hate to go there, but you deserve to know.
02-18-2011 06:28 PM
Initfortheduration
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

She actually said you have trust problem? Oh man, I would tell her the only reason I have a "trust problem" is because you have a "let another mans peni$ inside me problem". I agree DNA your kids. Or just tell her that you have and that you are expecting the results any day. but be sure to look her in the face when you tell her. Watch her expression. That should be enough.
02-18-2011 06:02 PM
zsu234
Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

She's cheated on you physically and emotionally for 23 years. DNA your kids ASAP.
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