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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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06-27-2013 11:59 PM
JayS
Re: alcoholic husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by VTEnviro View Post
Thanks Cherry,

My bottoming out just happened two days ago. I've made an appointment with an individual counselor starting next week. I'm also going to an AA type support meeting tonight. I think a group of similar people would be helpful.

I use to wake up itching for a drink. After reflecting the last couple of days on what an ass I was, I really have no idea what drove me to drink so heavily in the first place.

I began reading a book last night, and the part that struck me was a line that stated "if you admit you have a problem and actively seek out a way to solve it, you are further than most people will ever get."

I think if I sobered up, many of the relationship issues would disappear.
That is great! I wish you all of the best!
06-27-2013 09:55 PM
JayS
Re: alcoholic husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giro flee View Post
I've said this on other threads about alcoholism. Alcoholics know how to manipulate. They cycle through apologetic, denial, anger, blaming others, overly nice to fake how 'normal' they are. You can never depend on them or predict which behavior they are going to portray. Read about alcoholism, and if you have kids, what adult children of alcoholics struggle with, it will break your heart. Learn about enabling and codependency, stop theses behaviors and get counseling yourself. Living with an alcoholic is not healthy for anyone, least of all the alcoholic, who has someone to help them avoid consequences.
You are quite accurate in your summation. I just feel compelled to counterbalance your view with the positive side, which is an equal reality, and must be voiced. And I guess to go one step further, offer my own perspective in respect to this whole thread...

I am an alcoholic. I grew comfortable with making apologies to my family, and assuming that they weren't going anywhere. I didn't think I was that bad...I was trapped in a very narcissistic, under-developed state of mind...like that of a spoiled angry child who refused to grow up. I felt that I worked hard, there was always money in the bank, so who was I hurting? I loved my family, but with all of my self-centeredness, I began to think that everyone was against me and I lived defensively. I felt so low about myself that I believed that they couldn't possibly love me. That is a very warped way to think, but I was trapped in it. I needed serious help. I pushed the people who mattered most to me right out of my way as I trampled through my days as a workaholic and an alky, trying to find some way to feel good about himself. When I added the booze to my way of thinking, hell broke loose. I was verbally abusive and the angriest person my dear wife had ever known. I am ashamed of that and always will be. I swore every time, waking up and remembering what I'd done or said, that it would never happen again. But when I drink, I lose that power of choice. I am responsible, as are any alcoholic husbands or wives, to recognize that as the truth and stop drinking completely. There will never be "controlled drinking" It's not even a remote option.

Alcoholism is a mental disease. That's not a cop out, it's just the truth. The twisted way of thinking comes before the drink. The drink is the relief from the mental calamity. The drink in itself takes over the mind and becomes an obsession. But the alcoholic is fully responsible, without a doubt, for seeking help, and it is the most treatable disease known to man. When I went to the recovery home, it was to be a better man for my family, but not in an ultimatum situation...rather an awakening to what I was doing to hurt the people I love dearly, and subsequent, unshakeable shame for it. I had quit drinking before, but I wasn't before convinced that some stupid bottle really had that much power over me. That's the other part of the disease...deadly pride and denial. It does have power over me, and it will until I die. If I don't drink, that power can't hurt me or my family.

I thought I would be coming home to my family from the treatment center..and I was wrong.

That said, here is my counterbalance to your post..I can assure you that there is hope for the alcoholic and for his family. It doesn't have to be a loss. Many people would write us drunks off without a thought, but I know that love can conquer any obstacles..in the case of an alcoholic, if he becomes willing to make a change, trust and love can return. As you mentioned, resources like Al-anon and private counselling can be a major stepping stone for the wife who's suffered through her husband's insanity. For guys like me, there are recovery homes, 12 step groups, and infinite other avenues for help.

I will remain sober whether my wife returns or not. I don't have a choice. She is the one true love of my life, and we have very wonderful children who we both love very deeply and unconditionally. The fear of losing them all grips me like no other fear I have ever known. But I cannot return to being that sick person I was, even if things take a turn and don't work out. (which I pray daily doesn't happen) This is as much for me as it is my family. (we are working on reconciling) Alcoholics can change. For the wives reading this, there is hope. for the alkys reading, who may be sitting on a fence, you must change! Not only for you, but for the people who you are devastating!!!! It is an immense amount of work...we have a very self-centered way of thinking wherein we blame others and refuse to see our own actions...but when one is aware of this, he can turn it around. This reality hit me like a ton of bricks in the recovery home..and sincerity crept into my heart like never before. I cried for three weeks, daily, with remorse and shame. We were in meetings 12 hours a day, and it was brute force honesty recovery. I needed it. I had been to this place before, but only this time did the reality click in my thick skull, and the obvious stared me down...I was hurting innocent people who really loved me. I couldn't live with that once I faced it full on. My wife only ever loved me. My children were growing and creating their own worlds and trying to invite me into their worlds and I was blind, and I missed many good times with all of my family. I am eternally grateful that I woke up! After years of toying with booze, I finally for once feel freedom!

I am now heavily involved in AA, counselling and my faith in God. When I went to treatment, I needed more than AA to start me out on a course. I no longer look in the mirror and want to punch right through it because I hated what stared back at me. I'm beginning to enjoy and appreciate simple things and sober living, even as I live through the fear of not being with the only woman I ever want as my wife, the most beautiful, most selfless woman I have ever known, and our amazing children. (6 between us! )I would urge any husband or wife who is struggling with addiction and hurting loved ones to seek some form of help. Stop the madness...give your family a good life and give yourself a good life! The biggest wake up call I ever had was coming home from a recovery home to an empty house. (well, empty as in people) It hit me full force that moment that I had driven my family out of my life and I had no-one to blame but myself. I was paralyzed with fear and sorrow instantly. I had a breakdown. I lost a lot of weight. I didn't get out of bed. AA friends came to me to check up on me. We had mini meetings in my living room. I struggled to understand why she'd left without even saying anything to the effect. In reality, she was afraid that if I knew, I might leave that recovery home and try to stop her, which may well have happened. And I didn't deserve a family in the state I had been in. I made it through this sober. I will never forget what I did to hurt them. I pray daily that God grant them the peace that I took from them. But things are turning around. I talk to my wife daily, I see my children, and there is much hope and renewal. I know now that I will be a good husband and father. I know that I will thank God for every minute we share together, and I will show them that they are loved deeply. For all of the workaholic goals I chased and the alcoholic delusions I chased, the only thing that matters, above anything else by miles, is my family. There is no job that's that important, no personal goal, no house, no car, and certainly not a drink, in light of my beautiful family. I'm active in recovery now. It doesn't have to end badly for every couple. If there is willingness...on the part of the drunk to change, and on the part of the wife (or husband) to seek understanding and good direction...if both people want to stay in love, it is extremely possible. I couldn't read your post without voicing my side, and I appreciate the time and space to do it. I was fortunate where others were not..I still have a chance with my wife and children, where many have lost that option...and still made it in life. There are stories that would shake your world in recovery circles...men and women who truly hit rock bottom. If you are a true alcoholic, you WILL hit bottom. There will be no other option. This illness destroys you and your family! But there is help. I have seriously rambled...I apologize folks! thank you for reading.
06-18-2013 05:04 PM
Giro flee
Re: alcoholic husband

I've said this on other threads about alcoholism. Alcoholics know how to manipulate. They cycle through apologetic, denial, anger, blaming others, overly nice to fake how 'normal' they are. You can never depend on them or predict which behavior they are going to portray. Read about alcoholism, and if you have kids, what adult children of alcoholics struggle with, it will break your heart. Learn about enabling and codependency, stop theses behaviors and get counseling yourself. Living with an alcoholic is not healthy for anyone, least of all the alcoholic, who has someone to help them avoid consequences.
06-18-2013 04:31 PM
ardehl
Re: alcoholic husband

I also have a husband who drinks too much, if he does stop off on the way home he doesn't phone to tell me he will be late because he stopped off at the pub. I've tried for a long time to get him to see what his drinking is doing how it's tearing our marriage apart, in fact he came home tonight wobbling and when I told him what happened to the promises he made yesterday about stopping he got angry and blamed it on me and promptly went out to drink some more. He isn't physically abusive and still holds down a job and his friends love him because he's always there for them and ready to be out drinking with them. I'm at home, usually spend my friday or saturday nights sometimes both alone while he is at the pub. He's referred to me as the f..... wife when I've phoned him at the pub or not answered his phone or given me some lie about being on his way home. His reasoning is because I moan so much but the strange thing is when he leaves we not argueing and I'm not moaning and quite understanding about him needing time out and of course being stupid to think he will keep his word about coming home at a reasonable hour and not going overboard. And the moaning only comes after he walks in at early hours in the morning drunk. To me it looks like he really doesn't care about his marriage and I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time trying to get him to care enough. I feel totally unloved and like he has no respect for me and of course lonely. When he's sober he acknowledges he is wrong but it always go back to the same drama.
03-30-2013 06:49 PM
pilotguy1
Re: alcoholic husband

My wife drinks, so I feel everybody pain too.
03-28-2013 12:31 AM
Penny_Lane
Re: alcoholic husband

VTEnviro-
Good for you. I wish my husband had this enlightenment.
I hope all turns out well on your new road.

Penny Lane
12-29-2011 01:36 PM
VTEnviro
Re: alcoholic husband

Thanks Cherry,

My bottoming out just happened two days ago. I've made an appointment with an individual counselor starting next week. I'm also going to an AA type support meeting tonight. I think a group of similar people would be helpful.

I use to wake up itching for a drink. After reflecting the last couple of days on what an ass I was, I really have no idea what drove me to drink so heavily in the first place.

I began reading a book last night, and the part that struck me was a line that stated "if you admit you have a problem and actively seek out a way to solve it, you are further than most people will ever get."

I think if I sobered up, many of the relationship issues would disappear.
12-29-2011 10:27 AM
Cherry
Re: alcoholic husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by VTEnviro View Post
I've tried to quit for a week or two here or there, but I've really bottomed out this time, and need to address the situation before I ruin my marraige.
Are you a part of any support groups? Have you thought about individual counseling? You need to focus on you first, your marriage should fall back into place once you get back to where you were happier. I've only been truly sober for a few months. I had toned it down, but I literally woke up one morning and no longer had an urge to drink. I am focusing on me more than anything right now. Sounds selfish, but what good am I if I continue to drink myself silly anyway? That said, I know I could wake up one day and have an urge to drink.... Those are the days I take slowly and carefully :-). Best wishes to you!
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12-29-2011 08:54 AM
VTEnviro
Re: alcoholic husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by stupad View Post
As the husband with the drinking problem I can share with you my perspective. I've always been a good provider (successful in my career, upward mobility, hold two master's degrees), good father (the fun guy and share responsibility for child-rearing), helpful around the house (my wife and I split household chores (no arguments) and I do most of the yard work), active and respected in my church, etc. etc. So, how could I possible have a drinking problem. I'm up for work everyday, on time and I'm productive. I come home right after work. I'm not out drinking every night with friends. What's the problem??? Well, it's not really being 'present' in the evenings (being tipsy to out and out drunk). It's quietly drinking myself into a stupor each night. It's the occasional rant about something. It's the sullen angriness lurking under surface. It's not quite remembering what happened the night before (or was it so mundane as not to be memorable?).

It's been slow, really slow process for me to understand what my drinking has become and means to others (and I'm sure I don't really understand fully and probably never will). And I can tell you your son won;t understand what's going on with his dad for probably a number of years. When I realize that my kids knew what was up with me, saying I was ashamed or embarassed doesn't begin to descibe how I felt. I always felt that all the good stuff I did more than made up for a few hours of drunkeness every evening.

I guess I'm posting more for your husband than for you. Maybe if you show him this he'll see something of himself in this and perhaps see where this might be going for him. Telling him he has a problem and needs to get help is a little like solving world hunger by sending a $5 check to by a bag of rice (IMHO). Not that telling him this is bad, but when my wife told me, I felt a bit like where the heck do I start.

You are wise to address this now and address it firmly. My wife is a people pleaser and always trying to keep the peace - so i coasted along for quite awhile (not that it's her fault at all). And she's gotten more demanding that I address my issues head on (and she's right - which of course sucks for me to have to say that). My wife recently told me that she's tired of being my second priorty (alcohol being the first) - that was one of many wake up calls. I was playing lots of games with my drinking which need to stop. I hope something in all this helps at least a little.
This post really speaks to me. I'm the husband with the problem, and my wife is a people pleaser who would rather sweep it under the rug and force a smile. I'm similarly in an upwardly mobile career, well educated and licensed, always at work on time and productive.

My wife gets home quite a bit later than me, and I'd fall into a pattern of getting anywhere between tipsy and plastered in the meantime. I'd hide it, make excuses, etc. She knew what was up, could see the mental and physical changes, and let it slide.

Yesterday, she couldn't deal with it anymore. We had company over for Christmas weekend, and the last night I was so drunk I blacked out and was a completely unaccptable jerk to her family and mine.

Basically, alcohol was not the only problem, but the root of most of them. I can't remember the last time a day went by and I didn't drink, must be over a year. So she's getting a place down the street to get some separation and privacy and space to clear her head. She wants to be supportive and helpful in my dealing with this, just needs her own space for a while.

I've tried to quit for a week or two here or there, but I've really bottomed out this time, and need to address the situation before I ruin my marraige.
12-08-2011 07:58 AM
Cherry
Re: alcoholic husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by kcc01 View Post
and anymore when he drinks hes very mean..
Next time he is drunk and mean, call the cops and have him arrested (for abuse, verbal or physical, if he is making you scared in your own home) and removed from the home. File a restraining order, go to court 2 weeks later to make it permanent, ask the judge to grant you financial support from your H and explain that you want him in your life, you just can't stand the drunkenness abuse in your home around your child. Seems extreme, but that's what my H did to me. I went to inpatient and outpatient treatment. Can't say I quit drinking entirely then, but it opened my eyes to the error of my ways and I did stay away from hard liquor after that point. And it didn't cost my H a dime to do any of that.

I don't know how old your baby is, but until your H wakes up and see's what is going on, he will not change. And it is not fair to you or your child to have to live with a mean drunk.

Good luck to you.
09-30-2011 12:45 AM
Ascending_Soul
Re: alcoholic husband

I feel that if you can safely leave, your life will be the better for it. I understand how a relationship like this happens. I was 44 years old when I met my husband, but completely clueless about alcohol, I had never been around an alcoholic, and only around a tipsy person a few times. Seems amazing now, but the truth. My husband is a disabled, drinking alcoholic. He was critically injured in a construction accident during our engagement, and having promised to marry when he was well...........anyway, the odds are that life with your husband can only go downhill. I've been married now for 6 years. It has been a financial nightmare as I am the only one able to work. I was looking forward to retirement at 62, now I don't know when if ever. Because he drinks he will make bad decisions. If you stay with him you will pay for his decisions. The only chance you have for a healthy relationship with him is to leave him. It might, just might, be the reason he needs to save his own life. Best of luck to you.
07-19-2011 10:09 PM
maidtonotobey
Re: alcoholic husband

I just filed for divorce today, my husband was abusive and would'nt go to counseling. I can't see myself very old and getting sick while trying to tolerate all this drama from him. My husband has a very addictive nature; drinking, online gambling and cursing me everyday.
Get out and away while you can! the judge in my domestic case made him leave the house. I am so relaxed and I can concentrate on me and my two almost grown up sons. My marriage was 25 yrs and only the last 5 yrs got really bad. I should have left a long time ago. But, I am still young enough to recover; still I would love to have not gone through this mess. Good luck sweetheart!
07-18-2011 06:15 PM
Sparkles422
Re: alcoholic husband

I am an alcoholic and my stbxh didn't understand the addiction. He thought I didn't have a problem because I didn't get drunk but the craving was always there. That is how I coped with feelings.

He had issues with my controlling. That's what alcoholics do they try to control the uncontrollable so there is a semblance of sanity.
He couldn't stand it and that is why he stopped loving me. I would also say mean things that I didn't mean about him but they were really about myself.

But he continued to act lovingly so he is mixed up too.

Tomorrow I will be divorced but I am back in the fellowship.
07-18-2011 01:12 PM
colletteannca
Re: alcoholic husband

Having lived with an alcoholic husband I can understand the dilemna you are having. The process is long and you have to make a decision for yourself and your son. I think one of the difficulties in living with an alcoholic is how much of ourselves we give to them and forget about own own needs. It is a difficult difficult road. Like you, I didn't know my husband was a drinker and it got progressively worse. He is currenlty 5 years sober, but the road was a long one and the consequences continue to haunt our relationship. Resentment is big on my part; loss of respect and such. I have just learned and still am to forgive him. He has regained my respect but unfortunately it appears too late to save our marriage. Try to think of what you need for yourself and your child. Put yourself as a priority even though it will be hard for you. Learn to take care of yourself.
07-13-2011 08:26 AM
stupad
Re: alcoholic husband

As the husband with the drinking problem I can share with you my perspective. I've always been a good provider (successful in my career, upward mobility, hold two master's degrees), good father (the fun guy and share responsibility for child-rearing), helpful around the house (my wife and I split household chores (no arguments) and I do most of the yard work), active and respected in my church, etc. etc. So, how could I possible have a drinking problem. I'm up for work everyday, on time and I'm productive. I come home right after work. I'm not out drinking every night with friends. What's the problem??? Well, it's not really being 'present' in the evenings (being tipsy to out and out drunk). It's quietly drinking myself into a stupor each night. It's the occasional rant about something. It's the sullen angriness lurking under surface. It's not quite remembering what happened the night before (or was it so mundane as not to be memorable?).

It's been slow, really slow process for me to understand what my drinking has become and means to others (and I'm sure I don't really understand fully and probably never will). And I can tell you your son won;t understand what's going on with his dad for probably a number of years. When I realize that my kids knew what was up with me, saying I was ashamed or embarassed doesn't begin to descibe how I felt. I always felt that all the good stuff I did more than made up for a few hours of drunkeness every evening.

I guess I'm posting more for your husband than for you. Maybe if you show him this he'll see something of himself in this and perhaps see where this might be going for him. Telling him he has a problem and needs to get help is a little like solving world hunger by sending a $5 check to by a bag of rice (IMHO). Not that telling him this is bad, but when my wife told me, I felt a bit like where the heck do I start.

You are wise to address this now and address it firmly. My wife is a people pleaser and always trying to keep the peace - so i coasted along for quite awhile (not that it's her fault at all). And she's gotten more demanding that I address my issues head on (and she's right - which of course sucks for me to have to say that). My wife recently told me that she's tired of being my second priorty (alcohol being the first) - that was one of many wake up calls. I was playing lots of games with my drinking which need to stop. I hope something in all this helps at least a little.
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