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Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

Thread: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
11-05-2011 02:13 PM
Dedicated2Her
Quote:
Originally Posted by cisco7931 View Post
^ a lot of my friends have been telling me just that: STEP BACK, STOP, PAUSE...

I wish I knew the secret formula to just switch my whole self to stop and be single for now. There's just so much I want in the OW and her kids. I want to take care of them, I want to be part of them, with my daughter and eventually a happily ever after... But its not all that easy...

If you ask me now, I've made a decision, my ex W is in a world on her own now, she lies, she is deceitful, she turned her back on everyone and everything she knew, all for a man she just new for a few months.

I'm in the same hell with the OW anyway, I am getting to know her now, but barely know her at all really. A family-centered friend told me: Listen to your heart. Well, my heart is just full of pain right now and I cant hear it...

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to where I need to go. I don't ask for anything, I just ask to be guided, and I'm asking for Him to not ever leave me...

This is just too much to handle for a young man I am... I am thankful this happened, yes, coz i've grown and matured to extents no one can imagine. But i'm badly bruised, beaten and confused really.

I just want it to stop too, I want to take a step back and just be ME, but I dont know how... I'm sick, yes, I'm sick and im messed up, thats what I am... Heck thats the only certain thing now...

And BTW, my daughter just told me yesterday, she loves me more than she loves her mom... This is just sad, I dont want her to think that way, but I didnt do anything for her to think that way, her mother did all these which resulted to her little heart finding its way out and looking to me for love... Sad, just sad.
You want to be guided???? Step back, get into the bible everyday. Stop being emotional. Make your emotions or feelings subservient to biblical action.
Posted via Mobile Device
11-04-2011 06:05 PM
Separated79
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

It seems that to me the main struggle(problem) is in within you...not with anybody else...

You can't figure out what you really want...
You based your decision mostly,in your emotion not with mind.
You can't cope being alone,that's why you have to be with someone else either for the right or wrong reason.
Your in an emotional turmoil.
You will never be able to solve any problem in your life based on the way how you handle things right now....
You been married and been separated...and never really put things in right place...then you went to another worst situation in a relationship with a married woman who has also the same problem as you....It's a crazy cycle....It will never end...
But of course the choice is all down to you and as whatever the result of the urge within you...
I really do hope....that whatever you may want in life you will get and also i hope you can come out from all of this situation you are going through...i hope you can find your way back to god....and also i know you are still in the journey of whatever it maybe...but yes...we are all still hopeful for a good outcome.

11-04-2011 03:42 PM
cisco7931
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

^ a lot of my friends have been telling me just that: STEP BACK, STOP, PAUSE...

I wish I knew the secret formula to just switch my whole self to stop and be single for now. There's just so much I want in the OW and her kids. I want to take care of them, I want to be part of them, with my daughter and eventually a happily ever after... But its not all that easy...

If you ask me now, I've made a decision, my ex W is in a world on her own now, she lies, she is deceitful, she turned her back on everyone and everything she knew, all for a man she just new for a few months.

I'm in the same hell with the OW anyway, I am getting to know her now, but barely know her at all really. A family-centered friend told me: Listen to your heart. Well, my heart is just full of pain right now and I cant hear it...

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to where I need to go. I don't ask for anything, I just ask to be guided, and I'm asking for Him to not ever leave me...

This is just too much to handle for a young man I am... I am thankful this happened, yes, coz i've grown and matured to extents no one can imagine. But i'm badly bruised, beaten and confused really.

I just want it to stop too, I want to take a step back and just be ME, but I dont know how... I'm sick, yes, I'm sick and im messed up, thats what I am... Heck thats the only certain thing now...

And BTW, my daughter just told me yesterday, she loves me more than she loves her mom... This is just sad, I dont want her to think that way, but I didnt do anything for her to think that way, her mother did all these which resulted to her little heart finding its way out and looking to me for love... Sad, just sad.
11-04-2011 11:28 AM
Dedicated2Her
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Cisco,
I probably am going to be in the minority. Drop the other woman. Drop your wife (for now). You need to work on you. You are a MESS! Only speak to your wife as a coparent. Get yourself with a really good faith based therapist or a proven mentor. God changes hearts, but the first one who needs the change is YOU.

You have to find your identity in Christ because until you do that this is all folly. You have a covenant relationship with the mother of your daughter, but you have codependent issues in which you need a woman. (And before anyone says she broke covenant with the cheating, I'll say that the covenant exists with God, not her) Those "woman approval" and codependent issues have to be resolved before you can engage in a mutually beneficial relationship with anyone.

STEP BACK.
11-03-2011 01:55 PM
anx
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Separated79 View Post
Just file for annulment and proper child visitation/custody/right...
Put everything in the right place....
There's nothing more complicated than that...
You both have the right to be happy whatever that means to all of you...
That's it really...
Make a decision once and for all and stop the blame shifting...
You both need to heal...you can't heal together so it is best to heal separately...
Have pity on your daughter...
Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...
I agree with all of this. Get right in your relationships. Its great you are going to church, but you need to align your life with that as well.

Quote:
I'm just in a total wreck right now... My ex W is a liar, the OW I'm with and I aren't committed since were too afraid of the complications, and my daughter just told me today she loves me more than she loves her mom...

This whirlpool of s* i'm in right now seem to doesnt want to end...
This needs to get cleaned up.

If your relationship with your wife is over (you have both cheated), then end it. You said divorce isn't legal in your country. I'm not sure what your options are.

The woman who you are seeing and sleeping with either needs to become your wife OR go back to her husband. It will cause nothing put pain and garbage until that's fixed one way or the other. This not committed but still talking all the time and having sex isn't right. Take her as your wife or end it. There will be consequences just like there were consequences for you, your wife, the woman you cheated with, and her husband. Take those consequences and clean this up.

Clean up these relationships and I'll think you'll only find peace then.

Quote:
Should I let my ex W join me and my daughter when we go out for our weekends? Is that a good thing to make her FEEL what a FAMILY is like or is that a stupid idea?
I think either way would be fine. The details of it or if they go smoothly would decide it for me.
11-03-2011 01:05 PM
cisco7931
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Quote:
Have pity on your daughter...
Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...
This is what I am seriously afraid of, I told my ex W about this fear I have and I have text messages that seems that she doesnt care and she is confident it will not happen to our daughter.

My ex W and I were texting this afternoon, I told her I have and will forgive and me and her family still loves her even if I know what I know. She still continues to deny ANYTHING is happening between her and her OM... Told her what I know isnt because someone told me something was up (thats her self-pity statements, that I should know her better etc), I told her I have proof and she still denies it, though I havent really shown her what i have, I will if given the chance and see what her reaction is... you may want to ask what my intent is? i wish i freakin' knew...

I cant spill this revenge for her, I told her her secret is safe with me, i cant hurt her family FOR her, she will eventually do it herself, thats beyond my control... that part i know...

@ anx - I am ready to come clean to my ex W and spill everything I've done before... For what you may ask? I dont know... Probably there is still something in me that wants to make this work for the benefit of a lot of people, particularly our daughter. Am i willing to give up the OW? I can, it wont be easy since I have fallen for her...

I'm just in a total wreck right now... My ex W is a liar, the OW I'm with and I aren't committed since were too afraid of the complications, and my daughter just told me today she loves me more than she loves her mom...

This whirlpool of s* i'm in right now seem to doesnt want to end... I'm off for a catholic retreat on the 19th, and have signed up for a single parent's support group in my area....

I dont know where to pickup myself from this s* i'm in... I'm no perfect husband, let a lone a perfect person, but it just freakin' hurts now... I thought when my ex W and I are now on speaking terms it would be easier, but it probably hurts more now than ever...

I hope its easy to just DECIDE to stop the pain, move on and be merry... I just dont know where to start and how to do that...

Just to further complicate things: Should I let my ex W join me and my daughter when we go out for our weekends? Is that a good thing to make her FEEL what a FAMILY is like or is that a stupid idea?
11-01-2011 03:15 AM
Separated79
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Just file for annulment and proper child visitation/custody/right...
Put everything in the right place....
There's nothing more complicated than that...
You both have the right to be happy whatever that means to all of you...
That's it really...
Make a decision once and for all and stop the blame shifting...
You both need to heal...you can't heal together so it is best to heal separately...
Have pity on your daughter...
Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...
10-31-2011 08:31 PM
anx
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Quote:
I know that relationship is bound to fail. I just CANNOT fathom the thought that she lied to me, wanted to lie to our daughter, lied to her crying grandmother/father/mother/sisters all for THAT OM.
I really don't understand cisco. Your marriage is done and dead.

You cheated on your wife early in your marriage. She cheated after you walked out and separated from her.

You lied many times. Have you ever told her you cheated on her early in your marriage?

I don't get why you want revenge on your wife.

Move on and give up the malice towards your wife.

Ephesians 4
Quote:
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Forgive and move on.


Quote:
I'm no hypocrite
I don't agree.

Quote:
I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.
She has suffered as well. You clearly spelled out how you treated her and how terrible she felt.

Quote:
Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.
I don't agree at all that its selfless.

Quote:
3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.
Isn't this exactly what you are doing? Didn't you lie to your wife about your affair and now you are pursuing the same woman.

Mathew 18
Quote:
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Do you understand this parable? You were forgiven. Forgive your wife. Move on.
10-27-2011 01:55 PM
Shaggy
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Ok here's advice go for complete and total exposť. Of both you and her affairs. Do it one nice big note. Come clean to everyone about everything.
Posted via Mobile Device
10-27-2011 11:21 AM
cisco7931
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Quote:
An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....
That is what is making me think really... I dont intend to win her back, she obviously is choosing her own selfish hapiness at the expense of our daughter, if she takes the first option, my daughter wins coz she gets to have a mother she never had. Option 2 is for my ex-wife, is she wants to continue her happiness with the OM, then so be it, but I will take my daughter. Either way, my daughter doesnt have either of us. I dont live in their house anymore and the only people taking care of my daughter are my in-laws becuase she is busy "working" - she does not support anyone financially btw, 90% of her money is just for her.

I know I need to CAREFULLY think about this because this might backfire.

Quote:
So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair?
That is a very good point, and I know it is true. At this stage soccerfan, all I want is one thing: A Whole Family. And a family built on deceit, infidelity and mistrust is not something I would want.

If I lived in a perfect world, I will take my daughter, be with my OW and her kids and well live hapilly ever after. all our families will accept the new relationship yadah yadah yadah..BUt we dont live in one. THe OW and me are not committed btw, we just see each other everyday, talk about our kids etc etc...

She also wants the same thing: a family... I know it is too early to say, weve just been "going out" for 3 months and weve both been in sucky marriages and (pardon me for the word) worthless spouses for 6 years (hers was 7) Two wrongs do not make a right, I know that... We are both slowly making steps, nothing quick, nothing instant, for this relationship.

Putting my bitterness hat on, my ex W jumped into another relationship with her not fixing her own issues, I know that relationship is bound to fail. I just CANNOT fathom the thought that she lied to me, wanted to lie to our daughter, lied to her crying grandmother/father/mother/sisters all for THAT OM.

Not sure if you caught that part of my previous post, that she wants her, our daughter and me to go out sometime. WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT, she wants to be a mother on Saturday and be with the OM on the other days?! I would NOT give her that luxury at all! Thats too much, I can accept what she did with me but for our daughter to be part of her "single" phase and her lies is just TOO much for me.

I love my daugther too much and seeing her mother like this is just absolutely unacceptable. Ive got to love my OW primarily for what my ex W is not: A Loving, sacrificing, caring mother to her kids.


Thank you for switching gears with your responses btw, i really appreciate it...
10-27-2011 10:56 AM
Soccerfan73
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair?

I know, she did it first and yours is a unique and true love, not an affair.

My mature understanding is that a person should be divorced first, THEN date single people.
10-27-2011 10:38 AM
kekel1123
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by cisco7931 View Post
Ok, let's do this again guys. While I appreciate the thoughts the last three replies have mentioned, reading through the past 10 pages you would clearly know that this journey hasn't been easy for me at all.

I'm asking for mature understanding and advise from anyone in this thread. What I have posted is just the surface of my situation and I dont think anyone has the right to judge me or my situation outright, no offense meant to anyone. If you backread, the OW I'm with is also close to filling for divorce. All were doing is filling the void our partners left in our lives.


Lets start over. What would I do with my ex Wife? I am so close to filling for divorce just to end this.

Should I spill what I know to her family? Spill the affair anonymously at work? While I know that revenge is morally wrong, I'm sure 90% of people who went through the same hell I did are considering it. I'm no hypocrite, but I am still undecided.

I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.

Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.

1. She resigns from work, throw her cellphone away and cuts contact with her OM 100% and focus on becoming a mother for the first time in 5 years for a change.

2. She spills her secret to her family and suffer whatever consequence they will impose, and I take custody of my daughter.

3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.

Both options I will NOT take her back.

or the fun part:

4. Send anonymous emails/snail mails to her family and her closest friends, and send an email to her work place with a screenshot of their sweet conversation. (I have 20 of them)

Thoughts? Opinions?
An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....
10-27-2011 09:40 AM
cisco7931
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

Ok, let's do this again guys. While I appreciate the thoughts the last three replies have mentioned, reading through the past 10 pages you would clearly know that this journey hasn't been easy for me at all.

I'm asking for mature understanding and advise from anyone in this thread. What I have posted is just the surface of my situation and I dont think anyone has the right to judge me or my situation outright, no offense meant to anyone. If you backread, the OW I'm with is also close to filling for divorce. All were doing is filling the void our partners left in our lives.


Lets start over. What would I do with my ex Wife? I am so close to filling for divorce just to end this.

Should I spill what I know to her family? Spill the affair anonymously at work? While I know that revenge is morally wrong, I'm sure 90% of people who went through the same hell I did are considering it. I'm no hypocrite, but I am still undecided.

I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.

Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.

1. She resigns from work, throw her cellphone away and cuts contact with her OM 100% and focus on becoming a mother for the first time in 5 years for a change.

2. She spills her secret to her family and suffer whatever consequence they will impose, and I take custody of my daughter.

3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.

Both options I will NOT take her back.

or the fun part:

4. Send anonymous emails/snail mails to her family and her closest friends, and send an email to her work place with a screenshot of their sweet conversation. (I have 20 of them)

Thoughts? Opinions?
10-27-2011 08:05 AM
Soccerfan73
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

You asked G*d to bless you and your married lover?

Good luck with that.
10-26-2011 05:38 PM
Shaggy
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

How can you go to church and be the OM? Sick.
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