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Topic Review (Newest First)
08-05-2011 11:31 PM
Re: Pregnant and Divorcing
Go with your feelings. If you feel like you're being played, that's likely. He probably realizes he will get sacked with child support and maintenance for you due to your condition, plus lose tax benefits if the divorce is before the end of the year. Personally I wouldn't take the house as it becomes a burden to pay for and maintain, apartments are so much easier! Plus he has tainted it with the OW, even if the two of you could work it out, ewwww, I wouldn't want to go back into a home where the OW had stayed with him. Some men sweat when they start adding up the numbers, then they realize they won't be so attractive to the OW. I'm pretty sure my H will shack up soon as he's home from deployment. And he'll make sure she pays rent too and does all the cleaning, shopping and laundry. Whatever. Some men are babies, and when real babies come along they completely regress. They need a mommy all to themselves. Not all men are like this and really, you will find someone else. If not, a stable loving home with one parent is just fine. My kids are happy we are leaving this relationship. Their stepdad could be fun but he was not loving for real. Only to get their attention and to make them like him so I would not leave so easily for fear of hurting them. Your children will build their own relationship with their father based on how he treats them. It could be a sorry relationship even if he was married to you. It really stinks when you find out what you thought was solid gold is just cheap paint. You are very courageous not to cow down to your H just because of pregnancy. Your children are lucky to have you, and YOU are lucky you have a solid head on your shoulders, for sure.
08-05-2011 11:19 PM
Re: Pregnant and Divorcing
I'm so sorry for what your going through, I haven't been through it myself but I feel for you, I myself am pregnant and I think you are doing great for what you must be feeling.
I also think that if he has as you say brought that woman to the home the two of you shared then you should perhaps move on from the counselling sessions there is a class that you take after divorce is final to teach you both how to not mess up the kids.
You may not be like me but I would be sure as hell vindictive after 10 years of marriage I wouldn't let him get away with thinking he's scott free, first if you both owned the house have it put up for sale, split all the assets (that alone will drive him nuts)...lol
Keep the kids safe don't bad mouth him in front of your child, at times it can be hard but its best for your little one if you don't down talk his father.
Coming up with a schedule for when your child will go visit his father should be started, having only seen him 2hours in 3 weeks is unacceptable, perhaps like Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend type of thing, the details can be worked out but you really should start trying to get some type of schedule mapped out
good luck and stick to family and friends remember he screwed up not you, you definately deserve better.
08-04-2011 02:04 AM
Re: Pregnant and Divorcing
Oh sweets! This stinks! I am so sorry you have to deal with this let alone while handling the hormones as well! I'm really proud of you for wanting to protect your kiddos and yourself from his...questionable...behavior.
Your right, there are so many similarities in our stories! A couple differences as well: My H is being consistently cruel and has either been that or cold. There have been a couple break through moments of his heart softening but that was only when I was being COMPLETELY agreeable and wasn't asking ANYTHING of him. Not because I agreed with him, but because I knew it would do no good to argue or reason, and would only fuel his cruelty and rationalizations! I would give just about anything (except my dignity and kid's best interest) to have him act in anyway remorseful or loving. Then again, your story helps me to understand that if done in confusion and self-serving insecurity, an expression of remorse is NOT satisfying.
Another difference is that my husband seems to be surrounded by immoral meanies who don't see anything wrong in what he has done, or at the very least rationalize it. Yech. Does your husband simply not have any close friends or family, or are they just disgusted by his behavior? I hope it's the second! It would be so refreshing to hear! My husband comes off as very down-to-earth and earnest, so I think that people who don't know him well see him as a sympathetic figure. That's part of the reason I loved him! He really does make you feel like he is genuine. His family is another story...He told me once of his mother making the 3 kids (including him) sit on his father's suitcases as he was trying to leave them. My stbxh is pretty sure his father had at least one affair. And when they weren't sitting on suitcases they were in a very hostile environment. My husband's family bonds by putting each-other down, but they also close ranks when one of them is in trouble. I can't imagine what the 'woman' he is living with is saying to him and herself to justify their behavior!
If there's a sneaky little part of you that wants to try and make the marriage work, at the very least he seems to be susceptible to positive manipulation. If you decide that is what you want, let me know! I have some ideas or at least can point you in some good directions. There are a lot of people in this forum who are pro-marriage as well and will have that kind of information too. That being said, I know that even if my H was open to it, I am not sure what I would do...I REALLY believe in my vows, and I know that kids are so much better off in a two-parent household. Yep, even when there is major conflict (NOT emotional or physical abuse). BUT and this is a BIG BUT, if I, or we, were to let them back in only to have this happen again, it would CRUSH my kids, and absolutely negate any positive strides made on their behalf! What a terrible situation.
In ANY case, I am so proud of you! I know we have both made mistakes but we've also done a lot of things right. Like a wise friend of mine said, we NEED to give ourselves a break right now. We are soaked in hormones, and the betrayal of infidelity ranks right up there with dealing with the death of a child as far as the depth of pain and confusion (according to some research I read somewhere...I know, very specific citations!). I fully support you in whatever decisions you make! I want updates and to see how your doing! Keep in touch!
08-03-2011 01:44 PM
Re: Pregnant and Divorcing
Hello Lost ~
I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially at a time of being pregnant.
You sound like a very level-headed and strong person. Your husband sounds like the opposite. I don't know if I have any words of wisdom - I have not been in this kind of situation. But, it sounds like this is a total deal-breaker for you, so stick to your guns. I think you are right in needing to see some concrete action from your husband that he wants to fix things, and to me, the biggest concrete action would be for him to get rid of the other woman.
You may also want to post in the "Coping with Infidelity" sub-forum. There are a lot of folks over there who have been in similar situations and could provide you with some additional support.
08-03-2011 01:11 PM
Pregnant and Divorcing
I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing here. I'm pretty determined to go through with my divorce, but I guess I'm just looking for some support from others who may have dealt with similiar situations.
I'm almost 30 years old and have been married for over 5 years, but together with my husband for 10. We have a son who is 3 years old, and one on the way. I found out about 7 weeks ago that he was having an affair, which started while we were trying to conceive baby #2, and continued after knowing we had suceeded. He even spent time communicating with thsi woman while we took a trip to celebrate our 5th anniversary and the pregnancy.
At first he led me to beleive that it was only a friendship/emotional connection but as the weeks went on and I was trying my hardest to understand his unhappiness and make the marriage work, more truths were unleashed. He has yet to end this relationship which I now know was more physical and emotional then originally told. He continued to lie to me about taking time to "find himself" and instead spending that time getting even closer to this woman. Finally I put my foot down and packed some of my stuff and my son and left during one of these little trists. I was hoping to give him the wake up call that I wasn't going to stick around if he couldn't commit to me.
When he returned I was made to feel like i couldn't return home and that he was ready to move forward with a divorce. Taking that que that for some reason I wasn't wanted after 10 years of what I thought was a loving and full relationship, I filed for divorce. He reacted quite he opposite of what I expected. He came to be falling apart, telling me how he had really screwed things up and he was losing everything we had worked for a 1/3rd of our lives for. I told him we could go to counseling and try to work ont hings, but I wasn't ready to stop the filing until I saw real positive actions.
Unfortunatley that didn't last long, as only a day later I found that he had brought this woman to stay in my home. He still showed up for counseling, saying he wanted to fix things, but I don't beleive a word he says.
We have another counseling session today, which I'm only agreeing to in order to try and have some sort of civil relationship for our children. He keeps flipping from being the nice guy and understanding how much damage he's done, to this person I don't even know who is so willing to hurt his family for his selfish reasons.
All I really want is for him to commit to one way or the other. I feel like I'm being played. Ive always been there for him and supported him, and I know he doesnt' have anyone on his side right now, but I also know that I can't convince him to make good decisions.
I feel the most anger for my kids. My son has only seen him for about 2 hours in the last 3 weeks (which I'm blamed for ofcoarse). And this new baby who won't even get the chance to know what 2 loving parents is like, and most likely will not bond with its daddy at all.
If anyone has any advice or experience to guide me its much appreciated.