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Thread: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
07-25-2012 07:01 PM
2ntnuf
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

You know, these are all very basic things which are being discussed. I remember making the same mistake but within the same religion. My first wife wasn't as "religious" as I thought I was. Even though we attended the same church, we still had disagreements about what we believed. So much lack of communication with open and honest discussion. I think I got married to her because the sex was so good. Too bad that wasn't what held us together. There were too many other differences which I did not even consider. I was too young and horny.
07-25-2012 06:43 PM
WillIMake36?
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Regardless of what religion we are talking about, when one starts exhibiting the actions & speech of a hard core Fundamentalist, your reasoning with them pretty near STOPS - unless you agree with them, of coarse.

They have taken on a NEW set of RULES to follow to obey their GOD & be His chosen follower. A new foundation has been laid and beings they are taught GOD is #1, they will feel as though they are not honoring HIM to agree with anyone outside of their beliefs, this is SIN to them, worthy of death many times.


You are NOW dealing with 2 separate mindsets ...and you will not see eye to eye unless YOU agree with them, admit you are lost and only their version of God can save you from yourself. As you can see, and are experiencing, this creates quite the Marraige dilemma. Love , Compassion, Tolerance and Understranding NOW take a back seat to "Doctrine " and "Creeds" of a specified belief.

It suddenly becomes .....US against THEM... Black vs White.... Satan vs God....Flesh vs Spirit..... Lost vs saved.... faith vs reason ..... Heaven vs Hell.... Holy Book vs heretical book..... Truth vs falsehood.... you get the drift.


Why Fundamentalism is Wrong

.
LOVE this post. so, so true.
06-22-2012 03:38 PM
jahu77
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

I agree with RandomDude when he says:

"I don't know your wife but it seems like she lacks the quality that would allow her to continue her faith independently from the fundamentalist teachings and learn to become tolerant and to find her own personal relationship with Christ instead of looking to men for god."

Much of the stuff on God TV is dubious at best. Ever seen Todd Bentley? You can be sure that man does not know God.

I was once an avid follower of many eastern philosophies, but had such a transforming encounter with the Living God , I now know without any shadow of doubt, that Jesus Christ truly is The Way, The Truth and The Life. No man can come to God but Through Him.

But beware of pseudo-Christian things like much on God TV.

With Love
06-10-2012 07:05 AM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Hi RD,

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Lamaga speaks the truth, she doesn't accept your ways but justifies her intolerance based on her faith. My wife went through the same thing but even though you can prod her, only she can change her beliefs. The missus came to her enlightenment outside of the church though, she spent more time meditating on the word herself and her own relationship with christ then playing religious at church.
Well, she does spend a certain amount of time reading the bible on her own. She considers herself "unaffiliated" (i.e. the category of evangelical christians with 34% divorce rate!)
Yet she spends a lot of time watching GodTV etc. and listening to audio talks by leading televangelists... And I tend to think that she is not very discriminate in what she gets from those...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
The fundamentalist church unfortunately, is a problem, and will not enable her to see the light. If she comes up with an individualistic belief, they'll shut it down, tell her that her views are wrong, that she needs to spend more time at church, that she's falling away from god's path, etc etc.
Yes, I know! The truth is that they all live in fear.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
In her mind she is hurt, because she feels that your conversion would be the best thing in your marriage, and in the same way she has shut out your faith, now she feels how its like to have her own faith shut out by you.
Too bad!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Even though my wife and I went through the same thing, after reading your story, it's starting to look like a completely different scenario now. My wife has very strong personal qualities, a bit stubborn but she's an individualistic mind at core; she is capable of her own decisions even if confronted with the world.

I don't know your wife but it seems like she lacks the quality that would allow her to continue her faith independently from the fundamentalist teachings and learn to become tolerant and to find her own personal relationship with christ instead of looking to men for god. Add that to the fact that she cheated on you already yet is not making steps to heal the marriage...

Well, it doesn't look promising... I'm sorry =/
Well, we'll see how it goes.

Yesterday evening, I told her I have been shocked when she said she would "leave us to our ways" if our daughter would follow Buddhism. She said I misunderstood her, she would not leave the house, but simply let do our things... This is quite possibly because although we have the same mother tongue, in her country they tend to use different expressions.
Yet, that still says that she will give up somehow on our daughter if she follows Buddhism. I don't know to what extent...

Thank you for your support!
06-01-2012 07:58 PM
RandomDude
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Lamaga speaks the truth, she doesn't accept your ways but justifies her intolerance based on her faith. My wife went through the same thing but even though you can prod her, only she can change her beliefs. The missus came to her enlightenment outside of the church though, she spent more time meditating on the word herself and her own relationship with christ then playing religious at church.

The fundamentalist church unfortunately, is a problem, and will not enable her to see the light. If she comes up with an individualistic belief, they'll shut it down, tell her that her views are wrong, that she needs to spend more time at church, that she's falling away from god's path, etc etc.

In her mind she is hurt, because she feels that your conversion would be the best thing in your marriage, and in the same way she has shut out your faith, now she feels how its like to have her own faith shut out by you.

Even though my wife and I went through the same thing, after reading your story, it's starting to look like a completely different scenario now. My wife has very strong personal qualities, a bit stubborn but she's an individualistic mind at core; she is capable of her own decisions even if confronted with the world.

I don't know your wife but it seems like she lacks the quality that would allow her to continue her faith independently from the fundamentalist teachings and learn to become tolerant and to find her own personal relationship with christ instead of looking to men for god. Add that to the fact that she cheated on you already yet is not making steps to heal the marriage...

Well, it doesn't look promising... I'm sorry =/
05-31-2012 02:18 PM
lamaga
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Well, at a certain point, it doesn't matter if she realizes it or not. You are in charge of your own life and your own destiny.

I do wish you well. My H is buddhist, I am Jewish, and we get along just fine. PM me anytime, as I find these issues interesting.
05-31-2012 02:16 PM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Dear Lamaga,

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
She is not respecting your beliefs, period.
Indeed. She is intolerant, and she proudly says that she is intolerant!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
"I'm praying that you'll find [my] God?" Really? So basically what she is saying is that your buddhism and the path that you are on is crap, she thinks it's crap and she doesn't mind telling you that it's crap, as long as she folds that message into the papspeak that passes for communication among fundamentalist Christians.
Thank you! You just made clear exactly what happened in my mind when I read it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
Sorry. I don't think you should put up with it (although I realize that stance is very non-buddhist )
Well, not necessarily. There is no point in suffering for nothing. Buddhism is the "middle path", you have to avoid extremes. Also, buddhism teaches that nothing is permanent...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
Honestly? I think she is using her so-called faith as a tool to avoid intimacy, to avoid a real relationship, and to all the while avoid taking responsibility -- it's not that she's not a good wife, it's just that she's so hurt that you're not a Christian.
Yes, she is "blinded by faith"! Truly, she is just not able to see, hear or think outside the little box called "fundamentalism" she built around herself. The big problem is that it is affecting people around her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
BLECCH. Real Christians do not act this way.
I am not sure, really. I just googled "divorce rate in born again", and found a study by The Barna Group (an evangelical christian organisation BTW), which found that the divorce rate is higher in fundamentalist christians (24% for baptists and 34% for non-denominational) than in atheists/agnostics (21%).

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
And you are being played. Sorry to be so blunt, but you did ask.
Don't worry! Be blunt! It really helps me to have external and frank point of views!
I have to admit I think you are quite right. I don't even know if she realises it, though...
05-31-2012 01:17 PM
lamaga
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Metta, I didn't comment on the text messages before because I was so outraged and angry on your behalf.

She is not respecting your beliefs, period. "I'm praying that you'll find [my] God?" Really? So basically what she is saying is that your buddhism and the path that you are on is crap, she thinks it's crap and she doesn't mind telling you that it's crap, as long as she folds that message into the papspeak that passes for communication among fundamentalist Christians.

Sorry. I don't think you should put up with it (although I realize that stance is very non-buddhist )

Honestly? I think she is using her so-called faith as a tool to avoid intimacy, to avoid a real relationship, and to all the while avoid taking responsibility -- it's not that she's not a good wife, it's just that she's so hurt that you're not a Christian.

BLECCH. Real Christians do not act this way. And you are being played. Sorry to be so blunt, but you did ask.
05-31-2012 01:05 PM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Hi RD,

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
It sounds like routine BS to me really, lovey dovey here, lovey dovey there, but the main issues, heh... seems to be still a problem. I'm not so sure how I can help either than what I've posted already, though.

Personally in your shoes right now, with her refusing to become more open-minded, and having already cheated on you, not making any attempts to regain your trust or respect, I would walk. But I am rather cold-blooded in that way, that's all
Thanks for your reply!
What do you think of the text messages we exchanged? That was apparently a big deal to her...
05-31-2012 12:31 PM
RandomDude
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

It sounds like routine BS to me really, lovey dovey here, lovey dovey there, but the main issues, heh... seems to be still a problem. I'm not so sure how I can help either than what I've posted already, though.

Personally in your shoes right now, with her refusing to become more open-minded, and having already cheated on you, not making any attempts to regain your trust or respect, I would walk. But I am rather cold-blooded in that way, that's all
05-29-2012 11:25 AM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Hi everyone,

I would be really grateful if some people could give me some comments on my previous post. That would help me tremendously.

Thanks a lot for your help!
05-28-2012 04:41 AM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
As for your daughter, some say it's not always to stick together just for the kids
Yes, I am starting to considering that.

2 days ago we were invited to a wedding. When going back home, I told her that I am ready to trust her again and start afresh because I don't want to live a life where I would constantly check her emails, phone log, etc. (as she suggested to me after revealing her affair). When I said that, she was happy and emotional. Then I made it very clear that if she does it again that will be the end of our marriage, she turned cold immediately and stopped saying anything.

Yesterday, more drama erupted. She went to church with our daughter and a "brother in Christ" that she invited to our home for the week-end. Just after she left, I wanted, for the first time, to make a point about what benefits buddhism can bring to someone. I sent her a text message, here is the content of our conversation:
Me: Sweetheart, I probably would not have been able to take the news of your infidelity so serenly if I was not a bit advanced in buddhism. Somewhere, you should be grateful for this religion, with it maybe our marriage would not be in existence today. Kiss.

Her: Sweetheart, I am not agaist buddhism or its principles. As you say yourself, buddhism asks you to investigate and my prayer for you is to God to reveal himself to you and that you understand that there is a God who exists. I love you.

Me: That was my mini-part of witnessing (which I said in exceptional circumstances and because you are my wife), but to acknowledge that there is some truth in what I said is apparently too difficult. End of witnessing. Sorry to have disturbed you. Kiss.
When she came back from church (about 7 hours later! but I am used to that now), she told me privately that she needs to take a week off!!! She wants to stay in a hotel away from me and our daughter (her own words). Then she started again to preach me, "if you are not sure there is a god or not, you should leave our daughter because if there is a god.." blah blah blah. I stopped her and told her that we had this conservation a number of times before and I don't see the point of having it again.

In the evening, she wanted to talk again. She said I should read again the messages I sent to her and that I should show them to someone independent to really understand what I said. I said that I will and went to sleep. Then she came back, saying that she is sorry for all the pain she is doing to me, she started crying, saying sorry at least 20 times. She said the problem is with her. I said it's OK, hold her in my arms, etc. She cried for about an hour. After that we went to sleep.

Also, I forgot to mention. While in church, our 7 years old daughter (who is often "borrowing" my wife's iphone) sent me a text message where she said that she would like to come with me to the place where I go to every Sunday (that was a total surprise for me as I brought her once and she didn't like it, so I was not bringing her anymore).
I think this is what really triggered the hysterical reactions from my wife. She can't contemplate our daughter being anything else but a fundamentalist christian. She said it quite plainly when she said she wanted a week off after coming back from church: she said that I can bring her there if I want because I am her father, she knows that god will preserve her, and if she can't bear it she will leave both our daughter and myself to "our things".

Anyway, I would be grateful if some people could comment on the messages we exchanged (see above). I know I have not written them in a nice way, but I think her reaction was out of proportion. Still, I would be very grateful to have some external point of views to help me see more clearly.

Many thanks for your help!
05-27-2012 10:45 PM
RandomDude
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

It's difficult but that would be a deal-breaker for me, especially while she continues to give you grief by her fundamentalist beliefs =/

As for your daughter, some say it's not always to stick together just for the kids
05-27-2012 06:08 AM
metta
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Hi RD,

Long time no see!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Whao... wait... so she cheated, and she's STILL a fundamentalist?! =O
No, she cheated about 2 years before turning fundamentalist. So she was not a born-again at the time she cheated.

Anyway, that was a one-time stand, and apparently she deeply regret it. I understand now why her libido was essentially inexistent after she same back from that trip.

At that time, I put that on a dispute we had where she was asking me to do things sexually that I can't do. It was a very heated dispute, and I finally convinced her that she was asking too much by pointing her to certain websites dealing with sexuality. It is that dispute that triggered in her the willingness to have an affair (even if she was wrong as she later admitted).

Frankly, the main reason I stay with her is for our daughter. The same applies to her turning a fundie, I would have left her if it was not for our daughter.
05-27-2012 05:00 AM
RandomDude
Re: Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

Whao... wait... so she cheated, and she's STILL a fundamentalist?! =O
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