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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

Thread: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever... Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
05-19-2012 10:52 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Posted via Mobile Device
05-19-2012 10:20 PM
jameskimp
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Definitely not. He should of at least asked you first
05-17-2012 11:25 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

well, this is the essence of a dysfunctional relationship, I believe my wife felt guilty because she didnt have those desires for me so she compensated by taking pictures and such. Shes not a bad person just confused and somewhat damaged, And she believed, I was over controlling and maybe sending out those pictures was a declaration of her being in control of herself, and she blames me for having to make her choices.

I am starting to develop a life that doesnt include her, but its a process and its a long one, the only problem is trying to heal in the backdrop of a very vicous divorce proceeding
05-17-2012 05:57 PM
swedish
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Quote:
Originally Posted by J'Accused View Post
I think 2 people who want the same thing can make anything work, but one person cannot do it on their own no matter how much they want to, and thats where I stand
That's true. I will be completely honest, the thought of my husband posting naked pictures of me online would be extremely difficult for me to get over. You can't un-ring that bell & who knows how wide-spread these pictures go and if some day a friend, family member, child, employer sees them? I would be beyond upset.

What throws me off is that she willingly sent a stranger naked pictures and has asked you to post such pictures of her online in the past, so I am not sure what the thought process is there.

I saw that you do some running...have you considered joining a running club? Meet new people to run with? Just a thought on getting your own social life going so you don't feel so alone.
05-17-2012 05:33 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

I understand your doubts and like i said , I dont believe she was repulsed by me, if she was attracted to me it was because of my intelligence and status, that gut, physical alpha male attraction certainly was never there and she has admitted such to me, if she was looking at guys on a dating website Im sure I would not grab her attention, as she would say "your alright" a ringing endorsement
indeed. Her teenage obesity had planted the seed of an ideal physiology of a man and Im sure i didnt fit it, but nonetheless we did have 2 beautiful children. We did not have intimacy on our wedding night and only once on our honeymoon, intimacy was 99% of the time initiated by me. Oh yes your right on with her insecurity, but I never ever did anything to damage that even when her weight would flux during the marriage and i paid for her tummy tuck and breast lift, but she never sent a naked picture of herself to me. Where i am now is alone I have no family left, mostly deceased, and not many friends since I adopted her world and her friends, now they seem to gone to her side, I have my kids and that should be enough for now. We are separated, she is wrapped in rage and anger and will not speak to me as she has been advised by her whacko attorney, and I have taken ownership of my responsibility, I made mistakes, been imperfect, but I am an optimist I like to look back at the positives not the hurt, I would more than be willing to forget all past indiscretions, I think 2 people who want the same thing can make anything work, but one person cannot do it on their own no matter how much they want to, and thats where I stand
05-17-2012 03:22 PM
swedish
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Ah, I did see her other post. I still have my doubts as to whether she really was not attracted to you from the start, only because re-writing history is fairly common when a spouse is being unfaithful.

It sure does sound as if she is enjoying the attention of men that she found unattainable in her past...and I am not sure what to make of the pillow over her face...could very likely be insecurity issues although she no longer seems very shy if she is sharing naked pictures of herself with a man she has never met.

Where do you stand today? Are you divorced or separated? Where is she at as far as your marriage is concerned? You both had major breaches of trust within your marriage so you would both need to be willing to put your guard down and have an open conversation about how you got to this point and take ownership of your part in the current state of the relationship.
05-17-2012 01:53 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Swedish, some very good questions there,

Firstly the attraction question, yes I feel that the initial type of "eros" love was never there, I dont believe she was repusled by me, but in her own mind felt she could "settle" with me. I can only go by her own words for that reasoning, she told me she only married me becaue I was "safe", she has posted on a thread, on this very fourum titled "I have never been physically attracted to my partner" and by the style of men whos she has shown physicall attraction to, shorter, balder, body builder, Im tall and lean with a full head of great hair. Im not judging her we all like what we like but what is vexing is that she was so not in touch with her own mind that she decided to defraud someone for close to 20 years.

Secondly, yes i regret video taping her. I understand bad behavior does not excused bad behavior, but I was so shocked to discover the pictures and discusion she was having with this 22 year old bodybuilder, i was at a lost on how to proceed, i really love this woman, and was under the perception that she just had a low libido, as she told me, turns out she just had a low libido for me. I dont believe we grew apart i think she stayed in the marriage until her mother passed, because her mother approved of me and once that need for parental pleasing was gone, she checked out of the marriage completely. werer talking about a woman who would actually put a pillow over her face during the infrequent time we would have relations, but in my blind love I figured she just had issues and complaining to her about them would only make thing worst, and no we are not divorced yet still separated, but the proceedings have turned ugly and expensive which is unfortunate for our children, but I am completely on defense on this one. I didnt want to get divorced.
05-17-2012 11:59 AM
swedish
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Quote:
Originally Posted by J'Accused View Post
so please remember when you are reading these claims there is another side of the story and these events do not happen in a vacuum
Point taken...there is always another side and typically we don't ever hear it so we can only respond to the person that is posting with the info they provide us.

Do you really feel she was not attracted to you from the start? From what you are saying it seems you both grew apart over the years. While it's now clear she had several missteps in your marriage as well, I still find videotaping your spouse without their permission a violation of privacy. If you started dating someone (assuming you are divorced now?) would you ever consider doing this to them or in hindsight do you believe that was crossing the line?
05-16-2012 03:54 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Again lets look at the language here

"I stayed and made a valiant effort to make it work despite all the dysfunction."
What is a valiant effort, going around being a grump? holding resentment against the other person showing no affection or interest, being obsessed with your own physical training and trainers?

here some more

"but I just wasnt feeling it and I would cry and pray to my mom daily please just give me a sign or some sort cause my soul was in misery"

duhh of course you wernt feeling it, you married a man you were not physically attracted to, heres a clue "THATS IMPORTANT" if you want bodybuilders you married the wrong guy, dont blame me because you are so out of touch with what you want that you feel like you settled. So because you hid your feeling for the better part of 20 years you defrauded and deprived another person a chance at happiness because you wanted to be safe and defraud a man who was deeply in love with you. Shameful
05-12-2012 02:33 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

oh also btw Ive been awarded parent of primary residence and the children live with me so i guess the courts found the facts in my favor
05-12-2012 02:27 PM
J'Accused
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Ok now i found this thread to, as the husband in question let me introduce some fact which my wife has conveinantly(sic) omitted.
In 2010 she sent topless pictures of herself with her name, address and face to a 22 year old bodybuilder she met online, a little reckless?
My wife would encourage me to take sexual pictures of her in lieu of having actual coitus. She is obsessed with body builders and actively tried to get on a site called beautiful people, she even enlisted our children to take the pictures of her she was putting on that site, talk about sick. To this day my wife will not admit this behavior was wrong, but somehow my fault. But despite all this i do still love her, in 2004 after her plastic surgery she wanted me to sell her nude photos on the internet for extra income, to the point were she even wanted to enlist a girlfriend in the process, so please remember when you are reading these claims there is another side of the story and these events do not happen in a vacuum
11-20-2011 09:19 AM
Bartimaus
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Quote:
Originally Posted by smartcookie22 View Post
Ok I should clarify, I don't know if he posted the video....I don't believe that he did, but he did post pictures that I had taken for him to a wife swapping website I believe the videos were for his viewing. I could be completely wrong....he does not want a divorce he just wants me....maybe he has bi- desires...idk? he did comment on a pic like he was assuming my identity on that site and it was a comment on the male anatomy...so IDK???? the whole thing just wiggs me out!!! FREAK!
IMHO it sounds like he wants to swing.Maybe it's just a fantasy and he wouldn't go through with it,who knows. I had a friend in a similiar situation but it was the wife doing similiar things. He didn't put a stop to it and later on she left him for another man. Not another man that would do that but because she was extremely pernicious.
If your husband loves you and you want to stay together then let him know that you are totally against such a lifestyle and demand he give up his porn and change and then you demand transparency with his passwords and that he allows you to check his computer. But beware,he is living in a fantasy land and may not be willing to give it up.
11-18-2011 09:27 PM
NoIssues
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Yes when they are boffing the neighbor in your bed or lying about another deal killer they are well aware of.

You fight fire with fire.

Its always best to take a gun tio a knife fight
11-18-2011 07:39 PM
smartcookie22
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

Ok I should clarify, I don't know if he posted the video....I don't believe that he did, but he did post pictures that I had taken for him to a wife swapping website I believe the videos were for his viewing. I could be completely wrong....he does not want a divorce he just wants me....maybe he has bi- desires...idk? he did comment on a pic like he was assuming my identity on that site and it was a comment on the male anatomy...so IDK???? the whole thing just wiggs me out!!! FREAK!
11-18-2011 07:09 PM
Bartimaus
Re: Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

OP you and he had been married for awhile if I understand correctly. I understand how this has you in shock and am figuring that your face is in the videos he put online so as to be able for anyone to identify you,if that was his intention. If your face is in the videos...is there any chance he may have been planning a separation and divorce?
And,since you had been married for some time,if he didn't do this just to shame you (with your face being in the online videos) has he ever displayed any bi-sexual desires?
I don't know but it seems to me that he did this either to shame you because he wanted a divorce or that he has bi-sex desires and wanted you to do more than you might have been willing to do. Men don't put their 'NAKED' wives pic on the internet just to brag.
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