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Thread: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpoint. Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
07-02-2012 03:11 PM
turnera
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

The original poster left this thread back in December because he didn't like the advice he was getting.
07-02-2012 12:40 PM
EnjoliWoman
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

First, you guys are talking about a serious subject via TEXT? If she won't take a call or meet you somewhere neutral then she's shutting the door and doesn't really want to accept responsibility for her lack of action.

If she hasn't figured out or shared with you what she needs to fall back in love, then you both need to consider counseling. If she won't then it's over but without an official ending date at this point.
02-16-2012 08:11 PM
memyselfandi
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

I'm a bit new to this forum within the last few months. It sounds like your dilemma has been going on for the past two years and as I offer my advice, correct me if I've missed something.

First of all, I think your wife has some extreme growing up to do. From the sounds of it, you have two teenagers at home and in my opinion, being that she's a married woman...girl's nights out should be few and far between and most of her time should be spent with you..her husband. By no means should you feel lucky that she asked you out with her and her girlfriends as her so called "date".

You see her as a great wife and mom..and she probably is. That still doesn't excuse the fact that she is married and still finds the need to hang out with her girlfriends instead of spending time with you and your children. Being that they're teenagers tells me that she's old enough and should be mature enough to be spending time with the man she loves..and NOT out hanging with the girls whenever she pleases.

You are putting up with waay too much and it's time to set some boundaries. It sounds to me like she's playing you like a fiddle. Granted she's not having an affair (and something a husband should NOT have to do is make SURE she's not)..but she sure is having a grand ol' time out with her friends while you sit at home and put up with it.

You've posted that you haven't had sex since July and that you gave her a bag full of things regarding her libido. That was a little more than wrong (and I can't blame her for being a little put off by that..obviously you were trying to make a point in a passive aggressive way, which wasn't right..but I can't blame you for being angry either..you just expressed it in the wrong way..)

The bottom line is that you're being waay too nice to her and she's taking you for granted. She's getting everything she wants out of this relationship. You stay at home with the kids and let her go out without you time after time while once in awhile she asks you to come along and you feel all "lucky to be her date??"

Excuse my slang but, "That just ain't right!!"

The bottom line is that she's taking you for granted. She can do what she wants when she wants and you put up with it. You being so nice doesn't make her love you more..it just makes her feel like she doesn't have to work to keep all the comforts she has with you. She has a husband that loves her..stays home with the kids while she goes out..sets no boundaries, etc. What a great husband!!

The biggest and saddest part of it is...you demand no respect from her..she can run and play with her girlfriends..you're the best husband around..as she walks all over you and spends no quality time with you...because you don't make her work for your love.

You need to again, get angry with all of this and set some boundaries. Quit being afraid that she's having an affair and if you don't put up with her crap, she'll leave. You sound like a nice guy, a great husband, and a wonderful dad. It's time she grows up and either acts married or isn't married anymore.

Hopefully it won't come to that as I know you love her dearly but somewhere along the line you need to find yourself in all this as it sounds like you've pretty much lost yourself in trying to keep her.

You can't make anyone love you, but in your situation, I think a little tough love is pretty much ALL you need. You know she loves you..make her work to keep that love!!

She knows you love her...that's all she needs. But she doesn't appreciate you and she loves you..but she's not in love with you.

Don't make it so easy. You need to set some definate boundaries and if she doesn't like it..let her go. You can't make someone love you by being overly nice all the time. In every relationship..irregardless how much us women love getting flowers, being treated like queens, etc., if our hubbies did that all the time without us having arguements and disagreements...our marriages wouldn't be half as fun.

Nobody wants to be married to a doormat. Strap on a pair and tell her to either grow us or you're moving on.
02-16-2012 05:03 PM
Barefootsugar
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

I'm signing off now. Don't really know what is happening at this point but I do hope things are going better for you both by now. My fiance still has a lot to learn when holding his temper is involved-when I'm "pushed" I do too. Dr. Harley says an angry outburst is a moment of temporary insanity-I agree. That is why when he came in questioning me not long ago I simply said in a calm voice- "don't push me right now", he continued & I restated myself. He was angry & I wasn't willing to "fight". In a fight things end up bloody. I refuse to call blame on either party- and Dr. H says that until you both can do that and just work on the issues you have in front of you (stop placing "blame") it will go nowhere positive.... so if Trying 2 is still out there - please send back some response. I will check again tomorrow. Hope all is going well.

Barefootsugar
02-16-2012 03:32 PM
Barefootsugar
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
All well and good guys (and girls) I hear all of you...

This is my life and I'll do what I think is right. I know how my wife from the outside seems to you all. Just remember I live with her and can judge actions and attitude better than any of you can.

My wife and I will solve this its just a matter of time. Thanks for the kind thoughts all I do appreciate the support. BTW my wife has never yelled at me.

I know most of you don't believe it but I feel we are very close to a normal sexual marriage soon. I think part of the delay is she doesn't want to disappoint me when we start again... she is trying to set her mind right so that we can have a normal sexual relationship without months between.. I can wait for that to happen. It will soon. I want her to want to have sex with me... not forced. I've set the seeds to make that happen now I'm just waiting for the tree to grow.
____________________________________________

I couldn't agree more. Don't really know this blog; today is my first day even though this is not my first response. Don't really know where my response will end up, never done this before!

But I hope things turn out for you the way you believe they will. If I could only get that feeling of being "in love" w my fiance, he'd have to take a rest just to start again!!

I was raised in a very dysfunctional home & have been a tomboy much of my life. It wasn't until I got back out in the world in 2004 that I started learning how many "players" there are out there that just want a piece for a while and move on...

I never said no to my xh on sex. My mother told me it was my job when I was only 10yrs old (along w a few other things no 10 yr old should hear) so that's the way I took it. It wasn't until I went to counseling to make sure I didn't abuse my children the way I had been abused by my mother that the "inner me" came out. I was molested by a male member in my family from age 4...for some yrs. When I learned I was able to fight off a "drunk" it all stopped. But it wasn't until I went through counseling-seeking for my children but learning about me- that I discovered my drive actually existed! In fact, when I did finally marry again (waiting for sex til married) that my new h (now x) started putting me down & saying I wasn't doing it God's way!? I had waited...I didn't understand. Needless to say the best thing that came out of that marriage was finding out about the books I mentioned, going to a seminar by him, and having continual contact with him when I didn't understand what was going on or what to do. He never guided me wrong!! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be typing here today!

Good luck with everything. In a way I hope you get to find out about the books I suggested, in a way I hope you already have figured out a lot, in spite of some of the negatives that have been thrown your way here.

Just remember: we all learn how to walk by falling down!!! and we all fumble through life-no matter what! It's not whether or not you fall down- just like an ice skater, it's how you get up and go on gracefully
02-16-2012 03:09 PM
Barefootsugar
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
All well and good guys (and girls) I hear all of you...

This is my life and I'll do what I think is right. I know how my wife from the outside seems to you all. Just remember I live with her and can judge actions and attitude better than any of you can.

My wife and I will solve this its just a matter of time. Thanks for the kind thoughts all I do appreciate the support. BTW my wife has never yelled at me.

I know most of you don't believe it but I feel we are very close to a normal sexual marriage soon. I think part of the delay is she doesn't want to disappoint me when we start again... she is trying to set her mind right so that we can have a normal sexual relationship without months between.. I can wait for that to happen. It will soon. I want her to want to have sex with me... not forced. I've set the seeds to make that happen now I'm just waiting for the tree to grow.
02-16-2012 02:35 PM
Barefootsugar
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

Just read a few more notes from other posters and found out it is ok to post books. The books I suggest are "buyers, renters & freeloaders - Turning Revolving-Door Romance into Lasting Love"; His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-Proof Marriage; Love Busters - Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love; and "Fall In Love Stay In Love" all Written by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This man was has dedicated his whole life to his wife/marriage & marriage counseling. They work together as a team and if you read them you will find out that through failed dating and then failed marriage 'counseling' (even though he didn't know what he was doing "right" as he learned to do it) he was diligent enough in his dedication to marriage and his career that he actually found out what it really took to make a marriage work -with passion- the same way his is working even now. And they have been together since before I was even born almost 46 yrs ago- and their romance is still alive to this day!!!
02-16-2012 01:32 PM
Barefootsugar
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

I've read many different views and opinions on this thread. I found it simply because my fiance is "finally" beginning to come out of a nutshell and search for answers on his own. Unfortunately he hasn't come out far enough to go to a site where I speak personally with a marriage counselor I met at a seminar and have read his books & go to him directly any time I have a question. Maybe one day he will open up enough.

Until both parties in any relationship learn what their top 5 emotional needs are and learn to meet them on a consistent basis; learn what busts the points out in their "love banks" for each other; and learn to correct their behavior, a marriage may stay in force until you die, but it will not make you feel in love with each other. (The "passion" will not be there!!!)

There is so much to learn and it isn't accomplished overnight. It takes time, trial and error (with learning from each situation), a lot of "brainstorming" ideas, and a lot of hard work.

Independent behavior, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands, dishonesty, and annoying habits only work to push you apart. The only thing that will help is if a couple who wants to make the best of their marriage learns to sit down and learn about each other (honestly, openly but with respect); start doing the things that meet each others emotional needs and stop doing the things that kill the feeling of fondness. Learn to work together like you would have to do if you were trying to make a business successful - it's hard, but if a business is worth having then it's worth the effort -- it's the same with marriage.

My fiance and I have been together for seven months and he has totally destroyed any feeling of passion between us through many of the negatives I listed above, but I do know that deep down inside he truly wants the relationship to work and the only reason I haven't dumped him is because I can see that. He has to learn, and I have to adjust as he does. Love is not only a feeling but is also all about actions...and I don't mean sacrifice on either part. Short term sacrifice may have to be made to make long term solutions possible, but the ultimate goal is the "long term solution" that both parties are enthusiastic about. Never get stuck on "short term solutions" or doing things where either party has to sacrifice; that only builds resentment. Believe me, I've lived through it!! Things didn't work!!

It sounds like in the initial post I read on page 7, the wife has come to a point of sexual aversion...the husband being the one who drove her to it. That is generally how it happens from all of my studies and guidance. In fact I was drove to that point myself and I know for a fact that I do have a high libido. But when that situation comes about, I can't even imagine great sex anymore!

Something for the husband to consider is the fact that she was driven to that point, and she has to have time to heal and learn to trust him again. In fact, my counselor said for the husband to ask himself, "why should we have sex?" If it can't be as much for her benefit and pleasure as it is for his, then there's a LOT of work to do on the relationship/marriage itself!

Barefootsugar

btw: If you don't have at least 15 hours per week of undivided attention to give to each other, then don't expect any positives to come from your efforts.
01-09-2012 07:27 PM
sirdano
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

Wow I read through all that and he said he was not obssed with sex but everytime I seem to remember that he would get sex that weekend??? It also seem that everything he tried to do evoled around trying to get sex??

He should have domeIC and MC to help but I am not sure he would have listen to them either.

I have been without sex for three months now but this is ue to MC trying to get us to reconnect on a physical and emotion plane first before we push it to sex. I fine with that in order to fix what was broken
01-09-2012 07:35 AM
Havesomethingtosay
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

I am concerned that T2FIO has disappeared. While I was very skeptical of his posts, his deleting of threads and his at times incredibly arrogant, delusional musings, I too worried about him and how this would all end.

I hope he has found peace (the part of me who thought of him as a decent person).
01-09-2012 12:39 AM
Thruhellandback
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

I don't want to scare you. I know you think that you've checked whether or not she's having an affair. But sounds just like I did whilst I was in the middle of my affair.

I knew I wouldn't leave him for the OM but couldn't give up the high of the affair ....it was like a drug.

So i infrequently had sex with him....wrote things to him like I need time.....give me space.....thinking of you instead of ily....

She might be getting her needs somewhere else....bear in mind it might be an emotional affair.....that intimacy that's cerebral from a woman even... In my humble opinion, if you continue like this you will just fade away in her eyes and heart.

She needs to commit to concrete activities on specific dates with you. Plan a foot rub night for her or back rub night....candles...nibbly food....nice music....casual comfortable clothes. Nothing sexual until you see she might let it go there.

Don't let this go on much longer. I know it sounds old school but you can't neglect that side of you. A man's sexuality takes a much bigger part of his psyche than it does for women. For you, having sex is showing affection because you're taking care of a very important part of you. Us women can't relate because as much as we do like it, it's not as vital a part of our being.

As I grow older...I"m 43 now. I really enjoy it much more. I want it more often. I love seeing the affect I have on him when I talk in detail about that I like for him to do to me. Try words. We respond well to romantic words that show us that it's all about us.

Lastly, how about a frank: Honey, where are we going we this? I need, want to have sex with you and feel loved by you. If that's not going to happen why are you still here? It's been X time and we are in limbo. THis is cruel. Life is too F"ing short to settle for this.
12-19-2011 09:56 AM
I'm me
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
Thanks all this thread seems to have gotten off the original question I had so I'm done. Good luck to all and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.. I'll be back later on a different thread to update you all after things change for my marriage. Talk to you all sometime in 2012.

T2
From this post, I don't think he intends to post for a while.

Can I trumpet my horn that I'm going to have sex for the first time in over 6 months on Wednesday?
12-19-2011 08:48 AM
Havesomethingtosay
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

No response unfortunately probably means the same.

T2FIO said he wouldn't post until there is an update......

Again not sure how to feel about him and all the threads and posts he's made.

Actually am worried as he has not posted since Friday. Not sure if that is a good thing.
12-19-2011 03:15 AM
FourtyPlus
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

You mention you stopped drinking. My husband was an abusive alcoholic the first 7 years of our marriage with sex taking place almost immediately after the abuse each time. At some point, I shut myself down emotionally, sex wasn't good anymore after that point. I thought something was wrong with me physically. Maybe too much stress, getting older, whatever. It took me another 7 years to realize that I had shut him out and the only way to open that door again was to re-open that old mental file and close it out for good. I did tell my husband at some point that I needed to fall in love with him again.
While I had forgiven him for his behavior when he was a mean drunk, I hadn't done anything to put it behind me and close it out for good.
Might be that your wife has bad memories of you BEFORE you quit drinking and she has closed a door on you that needs re-opened.
12-18-2011 02:03 PM
Yardman
Re: So ladies... Help! Please interpret this text from my wife from a ladies standpo

T2, how did Saturday at the Inn go for the two of you?
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