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Thread: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT?? Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
01-13-2012 12:34 PM
Waits4Mr.Right
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

UPDATE: So it's been 2 weeks and 1 day since the state took custody of my daughter. She is now is staying in a group home with ten other girls. My granddaughter is currently in foster care, which was NOT part of the original plan but my daughter didn't want the baby left with me. ;( At first I felt heart broken (and still do) that my child would trust a complete stranger with her daughter, my granddaughter. Now, I'm just angry! My daughter kept threatening that this is what she would do and now she finally accomplished her mission. To hurt me in the worst way possible, knowing full well that I would have NEVER hurt that baby. That baby is loved by me as if it were my own. SS knows that I'm safe with the baby but didn't want to over ride my daughters' decition thinking it would cause more friction between us. My daughter was the one that they are the most concerned with. She couldn't be left alone with the baby befor leaving my home and now is only allowed supervised visits twice a week. I go to the meetings also as well, IF my daughter says it's ok because thats the only time I get to see the baby as well. It just boggles my mind that a FOURTEEN year old has this much power. SS says that the baby can come back home when my daughter does. They are saying it will be at least a couple of months befor this happens though.

For these last couple of weeks I've deep cleaning my home, working, going to the gym and just trying to stay as busy as I can. Trying to clear my head to think clearly without all the anger about this situation... Bottom line is, I don't want my daughter to come home at all. I'm done. Losing the baby was the last straw. I think cutting out my heart would have been less painful. If the state says I have to take back my daughter, than I'll have no choice BUT the baby is out of the question. I won't go through losing her a second time and my daughter has made it clear that, I will never see her baby once she's 16 and moves out. ((Sign!)) Why my daughter hates me so, I'm not sure. I haven't told SS my decition yet because they'll just say that we need counceling and it'll get better. I've heard the song and dance before. So I'll jump through their hoops and when it comes time to start moving back home, I'll tell them I won't take the baby. Either way, I've lost her anyhow and I don't want to get any closer to the baby just to have her snatched away in a year if not sooner. As for custody, SS says that my daughter has to be willing to give her up.
As for the guy that raped my daughter? Oh yeah, he get's a free ride back to Mexico. You really got to love the system! I completely understand how an unstable person could shoot their abuser dead with a sentance like that. What happen to justice?? Doesn't anybody care???
12-25-2011 12:51 AM
NotLikeYou
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Waits4Mr.Right View Post
They also talked to me about possibly taking custody away from my daughter for good. They wanted to know if I wanted the baby. That was a tough one! Nothing is decided but I'm strongly leaning towards giving the baby up for adoption, hopefully to a nice Christian home. I love the baby and I want whats best for her. That wouldn't be me, I don't think. I'm unmarried, have a very unstable job and no real family. This baby should have a mom, dad, sis/bro's, aunties, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I want the baby to have the best things in life, things I couldn't possibly give her and neither can my daughter. My sister thinks giving the baby up would probably be best. She says that as long as I have the baby, my daughter would never leave me alone even though she would be living in a foster home. I would have to worry about prank calls, destruction of property, just basic stupid crap. Would all the drama really be worth keeping the baby. If I let the baby go, there wouldn't be drama or at least not as much. The family would have no tie to my daughter.
So I'm at a crossroad:What are your thoughts/opinions IF the state indeed takes the baby away from my daughter. In my position, what would you do?
Waits, first of all, let me say I am so sorry to read about the troubles you and your daughter are going through. I'm not the world's most sympathetic person, but I hate that anyone could be having the problems you describe with your daughter.

I think you should consider the fact that if you give your granddaughter up for adoption, it seems very likely that your daughter will never forgive you. It is a really lousy dilemma to be in. Other posters have urged you to never give up on your daughter, and I think that is the right stance, as long as she doesn't become physically violent towards you.

But given that she is about to be committed, she may already be beyond your reach. And from what you have written, I have to think that if you give the baby up for adoption, your daughter WILL be beyond your reach.

You list a lot of reasons that you don't think you're in a position to take custody of your granddaughter and raise her, but I can't help but think that none of them would matter much in a couple of months when that little girl smiles at you.

If you choose to take custody of your granddaughter, you may have some regrets over the years, but I don't think you will regret the decision to take custody of her.
12-24-2011 12:01 PM
SunnyT
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

I think you have a good handle on it. And yes, it does feel like being stuck! But that doesn't last forever.... like you said, get thru the holidays and see how things change. They will change, one way or another.

Good Luck Waits.... you are doing great!

And Merry Christmas to you and your family!
12-24-2011 05:47 AM
Waits4Mr.Right
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Thanks for everyone thoughts.....
Thanks for reading my grumbles SunnyT. This is all a very slow process and I know I'm just about to lose it all. My child will go into the system no matter what and my grandchild will get a new family. ((Sign!)) This is not what I wanted but at the same time, I'm tired of all the drama. I just want to live my life in peace but to get that, means to lose everything. Looks like I'm stuck...
For now, I'm trying not to think about it and to just to focus on having a good Christmas w/o any fights. I can do that, right? Time will tell
I'll update everyone once my child gets out of the hospital and I have a better idea how all this is fixin' to go. I need as many prayers directed my way as possible. Thanks!
Have a safe Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Everyone!
12-23-2011 05:20 PM
SunnyT
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Geez Waits.... You are getting your daughter the help she needs and that is awesome. You have persevered in what you thought was the right thing to do. Good for you!!!

No one can tell you what to do next, or what to do with the baby. You have to do what you think is right... for the baby. So far you have done everything that you've thought is right... trust yourself on this one as well.

Maybe you don't have to make this decision right away. I know, you think the sooner the better as far as the baby is concerned. But maybe take your time and figure it out, see how it goes with your daughter, and with the courts. Maybe you really CAN'T know what to do right now, because you don't know how things are going to go.

Take a breath, know that the wheels are turning, take it one day at a time right now. Keep working with SS, see if they will provide counseling for YOU for having to deal with all this mess. That might help.

Hang in there.... you are doing it.... slowly but surely....
12-23-2011 04:17 PM
Waits4Mr.Right
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

So I've been on here reading other parent blogs in hope that maybe I missed something as far as my own daughter goes. I didn't find much but I still read to get maybe new and different ideas to try...
Anyway, since I last posted, my daughter and I met with SS AGAIN plus the head of SS too. I finally made the call to them and said enough was enough and I was kicking my granddaughter out. That I felt that she was in a hostile house and that I no longer felt that I could keep her safe. My daughter had told me befor hand that she wanted to take the baby to meet the father who is in jail.I said absolutly NOT! She told me that it was her baby and she could do what she wants....Between that arguement and others on where the baby could go, I was at my witts end.
Unfortunitly, THAT'S what it took for SS to do something. So we went to have a meeting with them and it went really bad! On the way there, I told my daugher that her school wanted her to get a syc. eval but my daughter refused. We continued on to the meeting and my daughter got upset there and was yelling and calling the head of SS a cow and an "F"ing B. This was a side of my daughter that even the regular SS lady (we have been dealing with for the past 9 mo.)had never seen! This was good for me but very bad for my daughter. They kept telling her to put the baby down and she told them no. Then they told her to stop yelling, that she couldn't do that holding the baby. In the end, they made her sign a form saying she was no longer allowed to be alone with the baby and that she would do the eval. It was either that or they would take the baby on the spot. She signed the paper and then ran off, leaving me with the baby, saying I was her mom now.
That following week, we did the "eval" and that didn't go well either. It was the same guy we had seen just a couple of years ago but that made no difference. My daughter told him that she wouldn't do therapy, or be put on any type of meds.She told him how she hated me and if I died that would make her day. At that point, I was crying and got up to leave. My daughter also told him that once she left my house, that I would never seen her or her baby again! That she couldn't wait to run off to mexico with her. Needless to say, I'm very hurt.
We went back to SS for a followup meeting and once again she got up set and left the room. While she was gone, the head of SS told me that they wanted to take her into custody. They're going to send her to a mental hospital so that she can be forced into therapy and possibly meds if they think they will help. I was like fine by me. They want to wait untill the 4th, to try to get through the holidays...We'll see
They also talked to me about possibly taking custody away from my daughter for good. They wanted to know if I wanted the baby. That was a tough one! Nothing is decided but I'm strongly leaning towards giving the baby up for adoption, hopefully to a nice Christian home. I love the baby and I want whats best for her. That wouldn't be me, I don't think. I'm unmarried, have a very unstable job and no real family. This baby should have a mom, dad, sis/bro's, auties, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I want the baby to have the best things in life, things I couldn't possibly give her and neither can my daughter. My sister thinks giving the baby up would probably be best. She says that as long as I have the baby, my daughter would never leave me alone even though she would be living in a foster home. I would have to worry about prank calls, distuction of property, just basic stupid crap. Would all the drama really be worth keeping the baby. If I let the baby go, there wouldn't be drama or at least not as much. The family would have no tie to my daughter.
So I'm at a crossroad:What are your thoughts/opinions IF the state indeed takes the baby away from my daughter. In my position, what would you do?
12-15-2011 08:06 AM
ScaredandUnsure
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostwithoutwords View Post
It's obvious that you daughter is having guidance issues. Instead of voicing how she feels she seems to express it through being rebellious. As far as her father not being there continuously she seems to find love in the wrong places e.g. having a baby with a guy who is 11 yrs older then her. At this point all you can do is continue loving her unconditionally whether she thinks youíre there for her or not. Reality hasn't really set in and she is definitely not mature enough to be raising and child. She may have to learn the hard way until she finally falls onto her face. Iím not saying kick her out but if it has to come to that point then that is whatís going to happen. Only if all avenues are exhausted and there is nothing left for you to do. If it does come to that solution then be prepared to deal with a whole another situation and that is someone having to take the responsibility of taking care of the baby. Another thing please DO NOT let her to continue to intimidate you she knows that she can do it and she will continue to take advantage. Your D really needs to be taught a lesson. I wish you luck.
Like that_girl said, she sounds mentally ill. No sane human pulls a knife on their mother. Dealing with a mentally ill person is extremely scary, ones who pull weapons, are homicidal or suicidal, you cannot ever let your guard down. My ex's daughter is bi polar and she used to cut, she was more harmful to herself than to others, but she put my son in danger a couple of times. This woman needs to get her daughter evaluated (which she's getting done asap) and hopefully medicated. I know it helped my stepdaughter, she is now a semi healthy person who is married and has two little boys. Not everything has to do with parenting, some people are just broken. It happens.
12-14-2011 09:45 PM
that_girl
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

The girl could be mentally ill and need meds. That has nothing to do with parenting...it just happens.
12-14-2011 08:24 PM
Lostwithoutwords
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

It's obvious that you daughter is having guidance issues. Instead of voicing how she feels she seems to express it through being rebellious. As far as her father not being there continuously she seems to find love in the wrong places e.g. having a baby with a guy who is 11 yrs older then her. At this point all you can do is continue loving her unconditionally whether she thinks youíre there for her or not. Reality hasn't really set in and she is definitely not mature enough to be raising and child. She may have to learn the hard way until she finally falls onto her face. Iím not saying kick her out but if it has to come to that point then that is whatís going to happen. Only if all avenues are exhausted and there is nothing left for you to do. If it does come to that solution then be prepared to deal with a whole another situation and that is someone having to take the responsibility of taking care of the baby. Another thing please DO NOT let her to continue to intimidate you she knows that she can do it and she will continue to take advantage. Your D really needs to be taught a lesson. I wish you luck.
12-14-2011 07:55 PM
Runs like Dog
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

If it were me the Hand of God Himself would come down and shake that little ho till her teeth fell out.
12-13-2011 11:08 PM
SunnyT
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Hang in there Waits.... enjoy the good days, plod thru the tough ones.
12-13-2011 10:24 AM
jayde
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Laurae . . . I agree with your post above (and most of your posts btw). But this is not what you posted originally. I was interpreting what was posted. I was being defensive of the OP who seems to be dealing with a lot, doing all that she can and still has a tough situation. I personally would have thrown in a little compassion for the mom as well. But that's just me.
12-13-2011 08:23 AM
Laurae1967
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Quote:
Originally Posted by jayde View Post
This is a bullsh!t indictment of Waiting4MrRight.

Yes, the environment plays a big part in a child's development but there is a big part that is just how they are. I have 3 children - all grew up in the same household, stable, 2 parents, not perfect but doing what we can. 2 kids are very well adjusted and 1 is having issues. All three are very different people with very different personalities, talents, etc.

This comment seems to suggest that if all children were raised in a 'perfect' environment, they would all turn out the same. Really? W4MrR seems to be doing all that she can for this kid. And wereas she may not be doing everything perfectly, to comment like this, as if to chuck it back in her face, seems unhelpful if not downright mean.
No, that's just how you chose to interpret my comments. No kid is raised in a perfect environment and I agree that kids each have their own personalities, etc. But it is also quite true that the family system plays a huge role in how kids develop. That is real. I'm not suggesting that this woman is to blame, but I also think it is naive to not examine every facet of the environment, the mother's own mental health, supervision of her daughter, the dynamic between her, her daughter, the father, and other family members, to see what is going on and what might be helpful to change. On top of that is the mental illness. It is important to look at ALL of that.

How you handle things makes a difference. Family systems make a difference. Most kids in therapy, for example, are there because of the family dynamic. Some child therapists actually prefer to treat the parents instead of the kids. But that is not the same thing as saying that the mother is to "blame".

My guess is that you are feeling some defensiveness because of your own situation, but that's not something I can help.
12-13-2011 01:36 AM
Sherrynafehmft
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Dear mother,
First, I want to take this chance and applaude you, that no matter how difficult it has been, you have been committed to your daughter and her baby. You need to be proud of yourself,ans stop blaming yourself for the way she is. You already know that she was diagnosed, and in order for her to function normal she needs a psychiatric evaluation. Consult w/ a lawyer that specializes in this kind of situation. pls take care of yourself and find a clinic or a therapist in your are to help you cope with this difficult situation. Good luck
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12-13-2011 01:18 AM
Waits4Mr.Right
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT??

Thanks for all the replies. Most of them helpful instead of dogging me out on my parenting. I try not to "kick" people when they're down. The fact is we all make mistakes and we don't all get it right. I'm a perfect example. Thankx for being kind and giving me ideas.
I'm trying to look up grandparents rights in the state of Co.but alot of the situations don't really pertain to me. I'll probably have to get on the phone to a few lawyers and see if I can't get some free advice and go from there.
Called the mental health where I live to get my daughter schedualed for an eval. They first gave me an apt. for the 22nd but after stressing the situation and just how intense, I think I'll get moved up. I told them that SS said that I can't kick out my daughter because by law I'm responsible for her. So I told them I'm about to kick out my granddaughter then in order to keep her safe. My daughter is out of control and won't listen to reason.....It's weird those because her moods swing and shift so much that I'm never sure what she's going to be like. We fought all day today but then she was as sweet as pie to BOTH me and the baby this evening, into tonight so far....She hasn't lost her patience with the baby once tonight. This is a good thing
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