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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Thread: Why won't she let me touch her Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
05-03-2013 03:25 PM
treyvion
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelloooNurse View Post
She knows your little plan of touching her in order to lead onto more sex. You don't go around touching people on the crotch and boobs just for fun.. you use that to lead to more sex. And she doesn't want more sex, so she is just nipping it in the bud. Time to find a new plan I would say. One that is a lot less obvious, perhaps
At least she's sharing the sex with you. Have you inquired as to why she's not comfortable with you seeing her bare chest or touching her?
Posted via Mobile Device
05-03-2013 02:36 PM
Voice of Reason
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

Oh, I hear ya', and you're right. This was just one post that I could and can really relate to. I just became aware of this site, and will post on more recent threads.

That said, for anyone here, I am an open book. I'll give you the straight scoop, in as nice a way as possible. What you see is what you get, although just like anyone, always trying to improve where I can.

One thing that I didn't mention, and yes it's probably TMI (too much information). I do have a filter when needed, but just for the sake of honestly, I have no problem being up front with how things are.

While I was over at my wife's place, before we got back together, she asked for me to move some furniture in her bedroom. Ya', I would have hoped that we were going there for other things, but whatcha' gonna' do? On her nightstand was a book, which was not unusual, since she's an avid reader and all. What was interesting was the title, "Anal pleasure and health". She noticed that I saw it (she usually isn't very observant), and said that she had it because she had some health issues that the book covered, and not anal sex related. I let it go and didn't press the issue, although I also noticed some Astroglide lubricant, and a training butt plug poorly concealed in the same area, . I did mention that she isn't very observant, right? And no we had never had anal sex. She rarely engaged in oral either, in the past she said how she wanted to save some excitement for marriage, which never developed.

Again, she's very much a closed book on talking about many or really any things sexual, as she gets very defensive. More than likely, when she was out dating while we were apart, somebody pressured her into doing things. She tried them, obviously didn't like them, and never wants to be touched, or even let anything close to those areas ever again. I would never do anything to hurt her, and would not pressure her into doing things that she doesn't want to do. It's just difficult knowing someone's past, even tho they think that you don't, they aren't willing to talk about it, I'm willing to forgive and move on, and have to a large degree, yet still a bit wounded. I used to have a best friend with whom I could talk about anything, not so much these days, or for a long, long time anyways. However, she acts like things don't exist, when in reality, they really do.

Bottom line, she likes me, would love to love me, maybe does in some ways, but wants things the way she wants them, and that's it, in a "No soup(sex) for you!", sort of way. The Soup(sex) nazi to some degree. Again, I know that she's been hurt in the past, having put herself in those situations, and at the very least, feels safe with me, gets off when we do have sex, but is more concerned about pleasing herself, than me, oh well, whatcha' gonna' do?

Sex isn't the only thing in life, so I focus on the positives elsewhere, and try to be somewhat happy with what I've got. And yes, it is important enough that you should work on things as much as possible. However, when it feels like you're playing the old board game "Operation" when in the bedroom, getting buzzed each and every time that you take the initiative, well, you stop trying to, since it's her way or the highway. Again, I'm far from perfect, but ready, willing, and able to please. It's just tough that pleasing someone means their having their way, in a vanilla although enjoyable way to a degree, each and every time, and you never get to set the tone. Spice is the variety of life, and when it's lacking in the bedroom, at least one member, and usually the relationship suffers, whether your spouse realizes it, or not.
05-03-2013 01:37 PM
WorkingOnMe
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

I highly suggest that you post your own thread. Not many people are going to read what you wrote because you wrote it on a thread that it years old and the original poster never came back. This is what's called a zombie thread, and you brought it back to life.
05-03-2013 01:25 PM
Voice of Reason
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

I hear ya'. Many times, most women may think that you're either insensitive, a bad lover, communicator, or all of the above. However, in today's society, there are many women who are as cold, calculating, and cruel, as the stereotypical male chauvinist pig. I know, from experience. I married a sweet young gal (or at least I thought so). She expressed how she thought that I was too good for her, that someday I'd leave her for someone else, etc. I ALWAYS expressed how that was not the case, did whatever I could to ease her hear, reminding her often that I loved her in word and deed, that is was for life, and that I'd always be faithful. I took and take interest in what she enjoys doing, although thing that she said she loved while dating, she rarely partakes in these days, no matter how well the red carpet is rolled out.

For the first few years, things were great, both in and out of the bedroom. Then, while I was away for training, she started running around. And no, I'm NOT the suspicious or jealous type. I heard about her activities through friends (usually hers), acquaintances, and friends of both of our families. For years, she denied it over and over, saying how others were trying to break us up. For too long, I took her word, until it was too obvious that she was in fact lying, and had gotten caught in these lies repeatedly. At this point we had a young son, she had the opportunity to advance her career, and she considered moving away from us for a couple years. I tried to make it work, even falling on the career sword, Mr. Momming it for a few years, so that she could attain her dream jobs and advance.

Why did I do that. Well, I still loved her, loved our child and married for better or worse, and was trying to make things work. Years passed, she went back and forth between acting like a wife, to running around, and everything in between. After 13 years of marriage, she moved out, pursuing one of her relationships. During our time together, I was propositioned often, but NEVER gave in to temptation, despite our troubles. Even after she left (of which, we had no sexual relations what so ever, for the year prior to her leaving, in fact, we slept in separate rooms), I didn't respond to other women's advances until six months after she left, just to see if she'd reconsider. And yes, prior to her leaving, I asked for her to go to marriage counseling, anyone of her choosing, or I could arrange something, but she refused. For the next several years, I myself had three relationships with women who had one thing in common, they failed to tell the truth about their relationship status, among other things. All three claimed to be divorced, for years. It turned out, they all were married, even if two were separated. I don't enjoy being lied to, since I'd endured years of that. In the first relationship, I twice gave the woman the opportunity to make things right, to not lie to me, and we could move forward. However, she continued in her deceptive, manipulative ways, and I ended the relationship. The next two relationships went much the same. Ironically, all begged me to stay, and that they'd leave their spouses if I'd marry them. Again, unwilling to continue with any relationship based upon lies, I declined.

So, after those experiences, and after making some repairs at my wife's place at her request (and yes, we were completely separated during those three years, and I was completely up front about that), I told her that I was no longer willing to live in limbo. I again asked her for a divorce (she'd refused in the past). This time, she kissed me deeply, said she'd be willing to go to counseling, and see where that takes us. I agreed, and we went to marriage counseling for about a year. The counselor expressed that my wife had deep issues, but that to my surprise, that I did not need counseling, other than to help with any pain if I'd liked, but that I was dealing with it well, go figure.

After six months, we'd gotten back together, and it's now been another 7 years since then. When we first got back together, my wife was a nympho. Don't get me wrong, I was not complaining, since "yes please" is my response to most anything sexual. I actually enjoy giving as much as receiving, whether it be back rubs or what have you. Things were alright for a few years, but yep, you guessed it, she's back to her old ways. I should mention, yes, she is an alcoholic that does get abusive verbally and physically while drunk. And no, despite her having struck me several times in the past, I have NEVER raised a hand to her, or abused her in any way. I'm a former athlete that can more than hold his own with anyone.

I know, I'm rambling, sorry. Today, we're at a point where we have sex maybe once or twice per month, if that. She has her ground rules, that's for sure. Years ago, and up until about 5 years ago, things were good from time to time. She used to enjoy getting frisky almost anytime, especially after a few drinks. Now, she only wants to have sex in the morning, she doesn't allow me to touch her breasts or vagina (unless she's drunk). She almost never kisses me (and no, I don't have bad breath or hygiene, quite the opposite), and she almost always wants to have sex in a certain way, with very little variety, and doesn't allow for spontaneity. And yes, I've expressed how I understand how things can change, and that all I want to do it please, satisfy, and love her, and am willing to learn whatever she likes. The ironic part is that again, she only wants sex in the morning, as she says that it wakes her up. However, I'm often awoken by her masturbating at night. When I turn to her, she quickly turns over and expresses that she's trying to sleep. After several occurrences, I nicely told her that she was touching herself and that it had awoken me. Not that I'm complaining, rather, I'd love to join in, in any way she preferred. She said that I must have been dreaming. I told her to smell her fingers, to which she said, "Oh, never mind, I guess I was, but it was in my sleep, I wasn't conscious of it". Believe me, she is not sleeping when she does this, she is very much awake. She simply has trouble with things such as honesty, and that's tough to deal with.

She professes that she loves me, doesn't deserve me, says I'd hate her if she ever came clean with me, and thanks me for not telling our older children (young adults), how she has been over the years. She basically says that she likes our relationship the way it is, and why can't I just accept it? I'll admit, it's tough swallowing your pride, controlling your temper, as well as quelling your urges (and yes, without masterbating 99 out of 100 times, I do try to lead a moral life). However, like you, after decades of this, it becomes a grind, especially knowing that there are women out there who are unbelievable in the bedroom, even if they aren't very truthful either. Yes, I get occasional emails from other women, who, although they've moved on, even marrying, still reach out to me, wanting to get back together, and I have NEVER given in, other to say that although flattered, I wish them well. And yes, I told my wife about their contacting me. She thanked me for doing so, but says she trusts me, and that I needn't tell her in the future, as she knows that I'll do the right thing.

Bottom line, liars and cheaters exist within both sexes. It's really difficult when you feel that you're more than willing to give, take, and be up front, honest, yet sensitive in a relationship, only to be treated rather cruelly, whether it be verbal, emotional, physical (or lack thereof), even spiritually. Again, I married for better or worse, and have gotten much of the later, along with some of the former. Now, I understand why some very good men and women stray, as well as why porn and prostitution thrive. Yes, I've viewed the former at times, but VERY infrequently, having almost forgotten what a vagina even looks like, and NEVER the latter. I try to treat her as I'd like to be treated, hope and pray, that things improve, til death do us part. And yes, at times, I look at death as a welcome event, although in due time, according to God's plan. So, from this brotha' from anotha' motha', Bro', I feel your pain, I really do. Take care, and God Bless.
12-27-2011 01:19 AM
blueskies30
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

I'm not totally sure of your situation, but for me when my husband has been doing little things to make my life easier just because he cares and loves me...it makes me want him....

I have not felt totally in love with him for many years even though I know I loved him with all my heart. We have been fixing everything in our marrisge that was wrong. Before these fixings there was no intimacy in our marriage. We are still seperated at the moment, but he is moving back in ASAP now. Our intimacy has been going up with kissing, loving talk, talking about how we both feel about eachother. Not everything sexual at all. Both of us have been telling eachother why what we like about eachother.

So now there is loving rubbing, back massages, back scratches, holding eachother at night, grabbing eachothers butts in public, holding hands.....and sexual talk about whats to come!!! We have not touched eachother in a sexual way yet, but I know we are both longing for it. I can't wait for him to move back in cause I can't wait for the moment alone. We have not had sex since July and seperated in August....so its been a long time!!!
12-24-2011 06:02 PM
Ayan
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

Why did you even marry each-other if she's not emotionally connected to you ? Did this come out of no were ?
12-23-2011 11:34 AM
Runs like Dog
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

Garden variety prudery?
12-23-2011 08:51 AM
PHTlump
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

You should look into the possibility of another man. Very often, when a wife goes frigid toward her husband, she isn't really off sex, she's just off sex with him. She may be focusing her sexual energy on another man. You should rule that out before you do anything else.

If she's still loyal to you, then it sounds like you're a beta trying to increase your beta to attract her. If so, you should add alpha instead. Stop begging, whining, and talking in general.

Look into Married Man Sex Life for more information.
12-23-2011 08:26 AM
Hicks
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

what expert suggests Begging?
12-22-2011 10:07 PM
tacoma
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

Are you married to this woman?
Posted via Mobile Device
12-22-2011 10:00 PM
HelloooNurse
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

She knows your little plan of touching her in order to lead onto more sex. You don't go around touching people on the crotch and boobs just for fun.. you use that to lead to more sex. And she doesn't want more sex, so she is just nipping it in the bud. Time to find a new plan I would say. One that is a lot less obvious, perhaps
12-22-2011 06:51 PM
I'mInLoveWithMyHubby
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

She is not emotionally or physically connected to you. You need to meet her needs in order for her to respond. Good luck
Posted via Mobile Device
12-22-2011 06:33 PM
Thor
Re: Why won't she let me touch her

More info needed. How long have you been married? How old are you and she? How was sex before marriage? Was it good after the wedding for a while? Have you recently had kids or another major life event?

Her actions could be indicative of a number of things. Anywhere from an affair, a medical issue, depression, some kind of sex assault or abuse in her past, post partum issues, etc.
12-22-2011 04:55 PM
dontknowwhy
Why won't she let me touch her

I have given up asking or expecting more sex. Now I hope for just an occassional intimate touch to make me feel loved.

She does hug me. She rarely gives me more than a peck of a kiss. She refuses to let me touch her breasts unless we are having sex and definitely not exposed breasts. She will occassionally let me touch her crotch in bed, but only above the clothing.

I have tried talking, writing, giving, doing, begging and most of the other things the "experts" say you should try. The plain fact is she will not have more sex and she will not let me touch her more than is allowed. And I mean JUST touching with no attempt to do more!

If someone figures how to make a woman enjoy intimate touching - not to mention sex, please let us all know.

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