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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Thread: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control.... Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
02-21-2012 01:30 AM
Badblood
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Working, you have threatened to leave , before, and I think you probably should. We can't seem to help you understand your husband's feelings and your passive-aggressive attempts to assassinate his character aren't believed by most posters here. You should concentrate on you family and also on building character in yourself. Good luck to you.
02-17-2012 11:25 PM
morituri
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by working_together View Post
Not for long, my time has come to an end on this forum, I think I`m ready to move on.
I understand and I wish you and your loved ones nothing but the very best in life. Take care and God bless.
02-17-2012 11:07 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by TBT View Post
One thing I will say about you working,is that like the Timex watch...you take a licking,but keep on ticking.Take care
Not for long, my time has come to an end on this forum, I think I`m ready to move on.
02-17-2012 11:06 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMan View Post
Yet you spout about how you own him and could take away everything of his if you wanted to.



Don't get angry at others because you have to face your consequences.
I`ve already faced them.
02-17-2012 11:06 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
So it was the state of your marriage made you do it? How is that taking ownership for your affair?

Sorry but I disagree. There a lot of unhappy people in lousy marriages who choose no to cross marital boundaries and have an affair as well as there are married people in great marriages who choose to cross marital boundaries and have an affair. My own ex-wife said that she had never been happier in our marriage and yet she crossed marital boundaries which lead her to an affair. The same with bandit45 stbxw and others here.

You had choices. The moment you knew that your husband was abusing drugs or being abusive, you had the option to bail out of the marriage and keep your honor intact. But instead you chose to stay married and sweep things under the rug. Then the OM came along and you made the conscious choice to break marital boundaries and have an affair.

As adults with free will, we have options. They may not be palatable but we have the obligation to others and to ourselves, to make the best choice possible.
Maybe I didn`t say it correctly. I was at a vulnerable time in my life, but yes, it was still a choice I made, I know. I always said that I made a bad choice, but I also said the reasons it made it easier to do it, and be so evil about. I think I have taken ownership in terms of the bad decision, and I`ll leave it at that.
02-17-2012 03:13 PM
pidge70
Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
So it was the state of your marriage made you do it? How is that taking ownership for your affair?

Sorry but I disagree. There a lot of unhappy people in lousy marriages who choose no to cross marital boundaries and have an affair as well as there are married people in great marriages who choose to cross marital boundaries and have an affair. My own ex-wife said that she had never been happier in our marriage and yet she crossed marital boundaries which lead her to an affair. The same with bandit45 stbxw and others here.

You had choices. The moment you knew that your husband was abusing drugs or being abusive, you had the option to bail out of the marriage and keep your honor intact. But instead you chose to stay married and sweep things under the rug. Then the OM came along and you made the conscious choice to break marital boundaries and have an affair.

As adults with free will, we have options. They may not be palatable but we have the obligation to others and to ourselves, to make the best choice possible.

Posted via Mobile Device
02-17-2012 02:20 PM
morituri
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by working_together View Post
Had I been happy in my marriage I wouldn't have accepted another man's advances. I agree my boundaries were weak, but they never led me to an affair in my marriage.
So it was the state of your marriage made you do it? How is that taking ownership for your affair?

Sorry but I disagree. There a lot of unhappy people in lousy marriages who choose no to cross marital boundaries and have an affair as well as there are married people in great marriages who choose to cross marital boundaries and have an affair. My own ex-wife said that she had never been happier in our marriage and yet she crossed marital boundaries which lead her to an affair. The same with bandit45 stbxw and others here.

You had choices. The moment you knew that your husband was abusing drugs or being abusive, you had the option to bail out of the marriage and keep your honor intact. But instead you chose to stay married and sweep things under the rug. Then the OM came along and you made the conscious choice to break marital boundaries and have an affair.

As adults with free will, we have options. They may not be palatable but we have the obligation to others and to ourselves, to make the best choice possible.
02-17-2012 01:47 PM
TBT
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

One thing I will say about you working,is that like the Timex watch...you take a licking,but keep on ticking.Take care
02-17-2012 01:39 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMan View Post
So now the "reasons" for your affair were your job and small children.
It was a reason I let my boundaries become lose if you will. I made the horrible decision to sleep with another man, I KNOW THAT. I was just giving some perspective. My decision was destructive, I agree, I should have done many other things besides screw another man, and lie to my husband for months.
02-17-2012 01:37 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMan View Post
You don't have to directly say it. It's all in your posts. I know enough about your story. Too many lies to read and they all are the same. You're unemployed. That's the reason why your husband's words shocked you
I have a couple of part-time jobs btw. It's just not enough to support myself and my kids. I have had jobs in the past, always did help support this house. I have a degree I'm not some looser sponging off my husband, and laughing at him while he pays bills. Maybe your wife was like that, or many other forum's spouses were, but don't think it's all like that, it's very judgemental of you.
02-17-2012 01:33 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Working, what you seem to forget is that even if your husband had been close to perfect, it would not have been enough for you not to have fallen into an affair. I say this because your weak boundary control made it possible for the OM to seduce you. Until you accept this, then you are bound to repeat this in another long term committed relationship in the future.
Had I been happy in my marriage I wouldn't have accepted another man's advances. I agree my boundaries were weak, but they never led me to an affair in my marriage. It was the combination of many things going on at the same time. I was unhappy with myself, my job was not very challanging, and I was overwhelmed at times with small children.

Everything in my life felt out of control. I don't have that feeling now, I may not feel happy about my marriage ending, but I need to move forward with my own life as well.


And I have a job interview next week, so the financial stress may be gone soon enough.
02-17-2012 01:20 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMan View Post
Amen! Couldn't agree more.



Nah she ain't clueless. No way can she treat her husband like this and be clueless.

She's just shocked her meal ticket is about to expire.
I never had a meal ticket, read all my posts my friend.
02-17-2012 01:19 PM
working_together
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

I was merely pointing out that I had forgiven him for his drug abuse, I helped with his recovery, I just wanted the same in return, help me to understand what i did, and not expect me to be perfect, and that's all.

Yep, the resentment is way too much.

It doesn't matter any longer, I will work on boundaries etc. so that this does not happen in future relationships. If I've learned a few things in the last year, it is to speak up right away when I'm not feeling good in a relationship, own my end of things, not let things fester, and end it if neither of us are happy. I need to compromise more, be more giving at times with my affection. Sometimes I let things build until I get fed up, and that's not at all healthy for me. All these things will be talked about with my counselor. I admit to my faults, or most of them lol.

I know it's not going to happen again, I'm much more aware of a lot things.
02-17-2012 11:45 AM
morituri
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Working, what you seem to forget is that even if your husband had been close to perfect, it would not have been enough for you not to have fallen into an affair. I say this because your weak boundary control made it possible for the OM to seduce you. Until you accept this, then you are bound to repeat this in another long term committed relationship in the future.
02-17-2012 11:05 AM
Badblood
Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by working_together View Post
When we decided to R. my husband was calm, and crying, he kept asking if "I still loved him", I said I did, but it wasn't as strong as it was years prior to the affair. The strongest our marriage was, was during my two last pregnancies. I had inherited money, and we were living comfortably, he was looking for work, but not stressed about it. We got along well, and were distracted with a baby and toddler.

What confused me at R. was that he did not show such venem against me, he seemed to say "lets work through this, we've worked through a lot of things". Then the anger came out, rage, ranting, name calling etc. Some of it of course I understand, he had every right to be angry with me. But it was the kind of anger that says "I'm not getting over this ever", and I was dumb in thinking I could change the anger, or make him feel better, he has some control over wanting to feel better as well, it's not all on me. Some won't agree with that, but if I had seen even a glimmer of hope, I would have immediately gone out of my way to continue to do things to make him happy. Before he gave up his apartment, I used to tell him "go home and chill out, we need a break", he didn't want to, he would say "I'm not done yet". Then on one occasion he did go back to his apartment, and sent angry texts all night. What was I supposed to think? yep, this is working out well for us. I gave up at that point, before the work even started. We both knew it was doomed from the start. I also thought that since I lived through his drug/alcohol addiction for several years when we first married, maybe we could get past this as well. I won't say drug/alcohol addiction is worse than infidelity, but unless you live with that, you have no idea what it's like, to be 8 months pregnant while your husband is cutting cocaine next to you. I was in constant worry for his life, he would not show up after work, I was afraid to be alone and pregnant, I was only 22. I wanted him to get help, we had no money at that point. I got a job after I had my son, within 6 weeks, my mother in law watched him. I was also very angry that he did this to me. When I got pregnant, it was not planned, I wasn't sure I could go through with it, he begged me to keep it, and we both thought it was a good choice. I felt he let me down with his addiction. It got so bad he sniffed rat poisoning once, I finally told him that I was going back to my mother's house until he sought help. I searched everywhere for help for him, NA,AA, I even went to meetings with him at the beginning. I found an outpatient group for him, and he recovered really well. But the anger never went away. He says he appreciated everything I did for him with that, and has never critizised me in this area. I just wanted the same from him, for him to forgive me for what I had done to him, and together we could have moved forward.
So NOW it's drug abuse. Before, it was verbal abuse, before that it was abusing the kids, before that it was neglect. What WILL it be tommorrow? Working , one thing is clear. You will do anything and say anything to let yourself off the hook. You are not even close to being remorseful. All of your posts have been all about you. I simply can't imagine being married to somebody as arrogant, insensitive and deliberately cruel as you appear to be, and yet remain so clueless. Of all of the WS'S I've read about on TAM, you are by far the most selfish and self-willed.. I do not believe that you are even capable of feeling the pain you have caused. You will, sadly, go through life being the center of a universe of your own imagining. Where you are always the victim, and anything you do that is bad , is somebody elses fault. Maybe some day, you will mature into an adult. Let's hope so.
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