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Thread: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
04-04-2012 12:25 PM
KirkSpock
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

EDIT: Whoops,m I didn't realize the last post from OP was over 2 months ago. I didn't mean to respond to a "dead thread". My apologies :-)
END OF EDIT

Asylum, I don't mean to "kick you when you are down", but I feel there are a few fallacies in your posts that I should point out:

1. This notion that you wont get married because, while she may be having your child, that doesn't mean she will "have you". This is an untrue statement and was untrue the minute she became pregnant. She has you completely, both emotionally (the rest of your life) and financially (at least the next 18 years, probably more). The only thing she doesn't have is you physically....which you just posted has changed as well. I'm not saying this is good, bad, or otherwise....just know that she ALREADY has you in many ways, so don't fool yourself into thinking holding marriage over her head will mean anything to her (at this point). She fooled you good and the minute her deception was successful, she had you, hook line and sinker, regardless of the state contract that binds you in marriage.

2. You post about using BC AND condoms, and checking the condoms before use as a deterrent against this happening again. I'm not trying to be a smarta$$, but come on now...how realistic is that? You posted just a few posts later how you cant keep away from each other (in the bedroom). Can you honestly say that, especially as time goes on and you become more and more relaxed, that you will check the condom each and every time passion takes over? HIGHLY DOUBTFUL.

3. Because you gave her a free pass (She violates you, and in return you have to apologize for her violating you, she gets a new apartment, etc.), with the stern "But this better not happen again....OR ELSE" warning, you can rest assured that it wont happen again.....in this manner. Instead of fessing up to getting off the BC, she'll simply lie to you and tell you the condom must have broken, the pill just must not have been effective, the timing was off for her placebo pills....etc. See, when people are let off scot free after doing terrible things to others, they learn two things: 1, that they can do it again with, most likely, the same results (ie: no consequences) and 2. that if they do indeed engage in these actions again, they need to modify it slightly so they aren't caught or, at the very least, aren't held responsible.

With that said, I am completely baffled on what advice to offer as you are truly in one of the worst positions to be in: young, tricked, and trying to make the best out of a horrific violation (and trust me, you were violated). But I think understanding the points I made above may help you make better decisions in the future, if nothing else.

I can only offer my own perspective and how I might handle something like this. If my significant other lied to my face like that and stole my sperm (think about that for a minute), there could never be any trust ever again. I would feel raped: and from a certain point of view, I think this can indeed be called rape. It's ONE THING if the condom breaks or you fall into the .1% of the effectiveness of the BC: these things do happen and are indeed accidents.....but neither of those situations occurred. You were forcibly tricked, by this woman who "looooooovvveessssss" you, into a life altering experience by her theft of your sperm. Imagine the societal outrage against you, as a man, if you drugged your wife and had sex with her with the intent of impregnating her despite her wishes that she not have children. People would be after your head: you would be labeled scum, rapist, freak, terrible person, etc. I wonder if you can make the correlation between the example just provided and your own situation, and if you realize that the man I just described probably would make a terrible father, let alone a human being.............take from that what you will.
02-20-2012 10:03 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Little update for you all:
She started IC yesterday. It went rather well (acording to her) but I am going to wait a few weeks in order to see how effective it really is. She is going to IC 3 days a week for 2 hour sessions. I hope it does her some good because her problems are definently the biggest ones in our relationship.

She said her counselor wants to get me in her sessions (couples counseling sort of thing) so she can talk with me and see how I feel about things and what I think needs to be done in order to fix our relationship (and so on so forth). I plan on going but I want my gf to do solo for a month or so, Mainly because I want the counselor to focus on her more then me.

Besides this, Its been pretty boring. All the random baby stuff going on, Its still a bit crazy around here but we make it work. The sex life is still going on like crazy though and it hasnt let up one bit

Angel5112:
No one said it would be impossible, Its just very difficult. I am sure you had to sacrifice a lot of things in order to make ends meet, Which is the whole point of this arguement.

My friend's dad raised 4 kids (my friend and his 3 siblings) by himself. He made about 14,000 a year working full time in order to support them. He worked **** job after **** job, At times he even had to work 6 days a week just to make ends meet. He got goverment assitance (food stamps mostly) but most of the time he was on his own. That proves how much of a sacrifice and a struggle it is raising a child on low income.

That isnt my case though. I make a pretty decent income and with the money I have on the side, It makes the situation a lot easier.
02-12-2012 08:24 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Its been a few days since my last post so I thought Id give you all a minor update. Things have been average as of late. We talk a lot more at night (not just about the baby but numerous things). We have a greatly increased sex life as well. Our sex life has always been good but in the past few days, We just cant control ourselves. Its like the smallest things set us off and we find ourselves in various places (bathrooms, cars) and we go at it like animals. I dont know why its like this now but I love it lol.

Besides that, We talked a lot more about therapists and she wants to go to one sooner rather than later. We are gonna start looking for one in the next few days so fingers crossed. Ill post something new (besides occassional replys) in the next few days).
02-10-2012 10:26 PM
applelemon
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
I had my daughter at 23. No savings but did just fine. That was 12 years ago and we're doing great.

You won't need all that 20,000 for the kid. Kids really aren't that expensive until they get older. lol. Learn the tricks and where to shop.
Urm... Inflation
or perhaps you had help?
No mother that I know of can survive on 20,000. Sure, it won't be spent all on the child but there are bills, rent (or mortgage), food, health costs, clothes, the list goes on. My friend (husband works as well) makes about 36,000 a year and they were on government assistance since their first child last year.
02-10-2012 02:40 PM
FirstYearDown
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

The three of you can live off of $45,000, depending on where you live.

That_Girl is the only parent I know who feels that children are not expensive.
02-08-2012 07:34 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Nora - She isnt her normal self (as I explained in a previous post). I guess the way to put it is that she is more timid towards me I guess. She seems afraid that if she says or does something wrong that she will lose me. She knows that I am done tolerating the behavior she has shown recently and that I wont put up with it any more. However despite this, I dont think the realness of the situation has sunk in it. I feel she still sees it as I got my baby and nothing more. Hopefully this will change when she gets further into her pregnancy and realize that its not as great as it seems to be in her fantasy world.

The two weeks we spent apart were the two weeks I did a majority of the thinking and really mapped out what I wanna do. As I said before, I am going to be there for her and my child but the whole relationship rests on how she changes and nothing else. If she continues acting this way then our relationship will last much long. Hopefully IC will help her.

that girl - The savings are a huge help though. Instead of going into our pockets and pretty much going broke, We have all that money to buy all the things we need and then some. FYI (just to avoid confusion) - I make 30 grand a year, My gf makes about 15.
02-07-2012 09:27 PM
that_girl
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

I had my daughter at 23. No savings but did just fine. That was 12 years ago and we're doing great.

You won't need all that 20,000 for the kid. Kids really aren't that expensive until they get older. lol. Learn the tricks and where to shop.
02-07-2012 07:59 PM
norajane
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
What else can I do besides taking a break that will sort of punish her for what she did?
Taking a break isn't about punishing her. It's about giving you and her time to think about what just happened and why. It's about giving yourselves time to take this seriously and consider in what way you truly want to move forward. It's about not rushing into something when you don't know how you'll feel after you've truly processed this.

She shouldn't be back to her normal self. Not after what she did, not after dropping that kind of bomb on you. How can she be her old self again? Didn't fooling you into fatherhood make any impression on her? It certainly shook your world up. Yet she's back to her old self so quickly...because you're going along with it. Don't be so quick to do so. Give it more thought.
02-07-2012 07:49 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

(Ill respond to each of your comments on at a time, Nora)
1 - Yes I know this. She is going to see a therapist, We will possible see one together, in order to work on her/our problems. Her lies and deception is actually pretty new, Really started with the whole baby craze she got into. So its definently a shocker to see her become this person total opposite of what she once was - A very kind, loving, trustworthy woman who I love (and still do) very much. She is a stabl woman but she does need help.

2 - Good idea, I will definently be taking another break between us. We had a 2 week break with very limited contact when I first found out about her pregnancy, It worked out good for me because it allowed me time to get my head straight and think about how I wanted to deal with things. I think when she starts seeing a therapist (a month from now) then I will start another 2 week break.

2.5 - I agree but as I said before, I dont really know how I can punish her for what she did. Its next to impossible to punish someone for something like this. She wants the baby and me (not only as a boyfriend but as a husband as well), I think it hurts her knowing that as of now the later of that is in jeopardy. She knows that I dont trust her and that it will be a long time before I do. She knows that she has problems and she is going to therapy to deal with them. What else can I do besides taking a break that will sort of punish her for what she did?

3 - I have known her for years before we dated and we were (and still are) the best of friends. This whole manipulation is completely new to her character and it suprised me to see her in this way because she never has been this way before. Yes it did make me question if I really knew her or not but now that she is pregnant, Its like she is her old self again so it confuses me even more. She is a loyal person, I know she is. This was the first unloyal thing she has ever done to me in the entire time I knew her and it was a major life changing thing as well. It hurts me to see her change like this and its the reason she is going into therapy. I will just have to wait and see.

I will keep my eye on this thread but dont expect me to reply for a week or two.
02-07-2012 04:39 PM
norajane
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
Originally Posted by asylumspadez View Post
Norajane - Im getting a new apartment because the apartment I have no would in no way be able to handle 2 people plus a baby. My parents are divorced (Dad had full custody and Mom was never around) so I know how much it sucks/hurts when your parents arent always around. I want to give the relationship a chance not only because I love her but because I want my child to have a stable family life.
I can understand your desire to give your child a stable family life. However, you cannot have a stable family life when your partner has shown you what she's made of and it's lies and deception. She chose to bring a baby into your life and into this world through outright deception - that is not the sign of a stable person. SHE is not stable, so no matter what you do with your living situation, you will not have a stable family life. Not until SHE becomes stable.

Quote:
How can she really take responsibility for what she has done? Its one of things where it happend, You cant take it back. I told her straight up that if she ever did anything similar to this again (or even close to it) then it would be over between us for good. As I said before, She wants me in her life as much as she wants the baby so she knows how serious it is and that I am not going to put up with her **** any more.
Again, the "you better not do it again!" approach is hardly any kind of consequence when she already has what she wants. Both you and the baby.

If I were you, I'd spend time apart from her. Take some time to get away from the situation and to really give some thought to who this woman is and what you really know about her. Don't move in with her so quickly, don't be so open to letting her back into your life so quickly - you need time to process and really think about what she did, how she treated you, and how she's chosen to live her life, what kind of person she has shown you to be.

All you did was beg her to come back and move in with you. You're practically asking her to screw you over some more.
Quote:
I do know the child is mine. She may seem like a ***** because of this but she is a very loyal person and she loves me very much. We both know our facebook and email passwords as well (and similar things of that nature), I know all about her friends and she knows all about mine. We have a good relationship (well besides this of course)
That's a very BIG "besides this" you just hand-waved. HUGE.

Did you ever think she'd be capable of something like this? No? Maybe you don't know her as well as you think you do, not when BIG, HUGE life-changing decisions are being made by her unilaterally behind your back, accompanied by lies.

And her loyalty seems to be only to herself. She certainly didn't give a crap how her decision would affect YOU, nor whether you would even choose to be an active father to the child. All she cared about was what she wanted.

She needs to start seeing a therapist immediately to figure out why she sucks as a person like this. This is a sign of character and integrity and she's a big fail. She needs to WORK on determining why she's so needy as to selfishly create a child for her own desires without any concern for yours. The child will need a stable mother - your gf needs to WORK on herself to become one.
02-07-2012 03:58 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

COguy - As I said before, In this situation you cant really come back from it (responsibility wise). It will no doubt take years to rebuild our trust and I make sure to remind her of that every day because this is not something that you can get over that easy.

When we do start becoming intimate after the baby is born, I will not only make sure that she is taking her BC with me in front of her but I will also make sure I buy the fewest condoms in a pack that I can buy and inspect each one to make sure there are no holes in it (Water test them). Also as I said before, I told her that if this ever happend again then we are done, No exceptions. I will make damn sure we actually plan for our next child and not have something like this happen again.

We have only talked a little about her going into IC or even seeing a C together but because we have so much going on right now, We are going to put off talking about it for another week or two. No doubt she (or we) is going into C very soon though, Within the next month or two. I want this situation addressed ASAP.
02-07-2012 03:53 PM
asylumspadez
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Norajane - Im getting a new apartment because the apartment I have no would in no way be able to handle 2 people plus a baby. My parents are divorced (Dad had full custody and Mom was never around) so I know how much it sucks/hurts when your parents arent always around. I want to give the relationship a chance not only because I love her but because I want my child to have a stable family life.

How can she really take responsibility for what she has done? Its one of things where it happend, You cant take it back. I told her straight up that if she ever did anything similar to this again (or even close to it) then it would be over between us for good. As I said before, She wants me in her life as much as she wants the baby so she knows how serious it is and that I am not going to put up with her **** any more.

I do know the child is mine. She may seem like a ***** because of this but she is a very loyal person and she loves me very much. We both know our facebook and email passwords as well (and similar things of that nature), I know all about her friends and she knows all about mine. We have a good relationship (well besides this of course)

I did talk to 2 very close friends about it and they are angry with her as well but they understand where I am coming from and why I am still with her.
02-07-2012 03:46 PM
FirstYearDown
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
Originally Posted by norajane View Post
You're taking her back, getting an apartment together, planning your future together. It sure SOUNDS like she has you.

What exactly is she doing to take responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? Fooling you, lying to you, and hiding her pregnancy from you...those are some serious behaviors that you should not take lightly and just hope for the best. Your gf is manipulative, devious, and selfish. Not the best traits for a mother or partner.

And, finally, are you sure this child is yours?
02-07-2012 02:57 PM
norajane
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
Originally Posted by asylumspadez View Post
We havent told our families about our situation because it would only cause bigger and bigger problems. Her parents love me like a son and I know they would be upset with her for what she did. My family would absolutely hate her though (which is reasonable). I have enough problems on my plate right now and there is no way I am going to add more to it.
So you can't even tell your own family what your gf has gotten you both into? Do you have any friends you can talk with?

It seems a shame the only person you can talk with about this is the person who lied and schemed against you.
02-07-2012 02:56 PM
norajane
Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Quote:
Originally Posted by asylumspadez View Post
As I said before, Just because She is having my child doesnt mean that she will have me too. Our relationship took a huge hit and only she can fix it. Today has been an average day for us really. We looked at apartments in the paper, Talked more about baby stuff. We told our respective families that she was pregnant and they were happy for us.
You're taking her back, getting an apartment together, planning your future together. It sure SOUNDS like she has you.

What exactly is she doing to take responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? Fooling you, lying to you, and hiding her pregnancy from you...those are some serious behaviors that you should not take lightly and just hope for the best. Your gf is manipulative, devious, and selfish. Not the best traits for a mother or partner.

And, finally, are you sure this child is yours?
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