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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Thread: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
02-22-2012 10:15 PM
Bottled Up
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by astooge View Post
I told her last night that I am pissed that the only person who is hurting is me. She is easily moving on and I'm not, doesn't seem right.
Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like she's still engaged with OM then and very much checking-out of your own relationship. If she's "moving on", that means she doesn't care how much you're hurting and she's also not scared about the idea of losing you... probably because you're not giving her any reason to believe that you would actually live your life without her. So she's comfortable with that security and takes advantage of you. She still has the power in this situation because "you're hurting" and she's not. She gets to stay flirtatious and disrespect you while you get hurt but continue to stick around...

You need to take back the control here. You might even need to start preparing yourself mentally for the idea that you will divorce her and live the rest of your life without her (and eventually move on yourself, because it is your own agenda). Then, when you are feeling strong and sure enough about this as a very real possibility, lay down your boundaries and discuss transparencies to her once and for all.

If she is not willing to meet those boundaries/needs for you then you will have to make your final stand and state that you "will be talking to a divorce lawyer" the next day. If she believes this to be a real threat from you, then she will be forced into an immediate reckoning and decide if she wants to let you go or not. If she wants you, she is going to panic and fight to keep you and do anything you need to feel safe in her trust again. But if she's willing to let you go, then you already know where you stand with her and so you have nothing left in the relationship to stick around for anyway.
02-22-2012 09:38 PM
MSP
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

N-o-o-o-o, further south. Like, umm, Toronto?
02-22-2012 06:45 PM
Entropy3000
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Like the South?

Like Montreal? Eh?
02-22-2012 10:39 AM
MSP
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Like was said to you in the other thread, being attracted to someone else is not the problem. It's what you do with that attraction. Flirting is definitely not going in the right direction--and you don't flirt with your big brother! Well, maybe in some places in the south, but it's generally frowned upon elsewhere.

I've seen potential EAs turn out for the best where they did develop into more of a sibling-style relationship, but that happened because as soon as the strong attraction was recognized, firm boundaries were drawn and never crossed. It's always dangerous territory, though.
02-22-2012 09:59 AM
snap
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by astooge View Post
That's horrible, I am currently in the state where I don't believe my wife. I told her last night that I am pissed that the only person who is hurting is me. She is easily moving on and I'm not, doesn't seem right.
Posted via Mobile Device
Well, that's how it works. There is no justice in it.
02-22-2012 09:56 AM
snap
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I don't get the "emotional investment" with the other workers. Was she spreading the love? What does this mean?
Posted via Mobile Device
Investment assumes an expectation of return..
02-22-2012 09:47 AM
astooge
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

That's horrible, I am currently in the state where I don't believe my wife. I told her last night that I am pissed that the only person who is hurting is me. She is easily moving on and I'm not, doesn't seem right.
Posted via Mobile Device
02-22-2012 09:43 AM
astooge
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone Star View Post
My WS spouse stated that when he met his new 'friend' that they hit it off the first time they met. Then he went on to say that they are just close friends, that she thinks of him like and uncle since he is 14 years older than her. He was given a choice, me or your friend? He chose his 'friend' over our 20 year marriage but I'm suppose to believe that they are just friends. Yeah, right and I'm the Queen of England too! I've noticed in all his lies if I listen closely ever so often he will weave a little of the truth in his lies. I'm really not interested in trying to decode his words anymore as I believe 95% of them are lies.
Posted via Mobile Device
02-21-2012 07:11 PM
TRy
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by astooge View Post
We have been over this many times, should I even care if it makes her angry if I bring up the questions AGAIN? She has said that "everything" is on the table and its up to me to believe her.
You should not care if it makes her angry, because you should be angry with her for not showing true remorse. If she gets angry, your should get even more angry right back. As for it being up to you to "to believe her", tell her it is up to her to convince you to believe her and that she needs to be willing to put in the time and effort to do so.

She want to rub sweep and I see very little true remorse. Not a good sign.
02-21-2012 06:56 PM
Lone Star
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

My WS spouse stated that when he met his new 'friend' that they hit it off the first time they met. Then he went on to say that they are just close friends, that she thinks of him like an uncle since he is 14 years older than her. He was given a choice, me or your friend? He chose his 'friend' over our 20 year marriage but I'm suppose to believe that they are just friends. Yeah, right and I'm the Queen of England too! I've noticed in all his lies if I listen closely ever so often he will weave a little of the truth in his lies. I'm really not interested in trying to decode his words anymore as I believe 95% of them are lies.
02-21-2012 03:38 PM
bandit.45
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

I don't get the "emotional investment" with the other workers. Was she spreading the love? What does this mean?
Posted via Mobile Device
02-21-2012 03:29 PM
astooge
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

That's what I was thinking, but she did say that sometimes people just click. She has shown full remorse and takes ownership, said she wronged me etc.., but there's still that nagging that some details are being left out and it's starting to piss me off.

And in her words from my original posting, she had an emotional investment, with him and the other workers. I have been monitoring her and so far have not seen her attempt to contact the OM.


We have been over this many times, should I even care if it makes her angry if I bring up the questions AGAIN? She has said that "everything" is on the table and its up to me to believe her.


I really want to contact her previous employer and the the OM's wife regarding what "family issues" caused her to quit.
02-21-2012 03:23 PM
Thorburn
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

In 2010 my WS left her laptop open. I had no reason not to trust her at this point in our marriage as she had build trust from internet affairs 12 years earlier. She had changed her passwords etc and I had no clue what was going on in her internet life. But, one night I happened to go downstairs and I was going to get on my laptop. Her's was open and I saw emails from this guy. Keep in mind that my WS was using a secret email account and did not use our regular email but for some reason those past two days they were. I think the OM forgot her account and just went on her FB and used the email that was there and it was our joint one.

It was bad. My wife was upstairs getting ready to go out with me and I confronted her. She started saying, "oh that, we were just flirting, that is nothing, etc". I sat her down and read each email and explained to her what they said. She said in one, "I love you, I have feelings for you, I know what we did was wrong but why are you breaking up with me?". And I could go on and on.

She went into denial mode even when I had the smoking guns.

My WS lied over and over again even with the evidence.

I wish you luck.
02-21-2012 02:37 PM
lordmayhem
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

That's exactly what I thought. "We clicked" means attraction.
02-21-2012 02:37 PM
PHTlump
Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother

The other posters are correct. Sometimes, it takes time for a disloyal spouse to admit how wrong their actions are/were. And until they admit it, they will insist that they're "just friends", or "nothing happened", or anything else to minimize their wrongdoing.

Pay no attention to it and run the 180. Spy on her to verify that she hasn't gone underground with him. It's unclear whether she's simply lying to her, or whether she's rationalized to herself that her actions are/were innocent. If she's lying to herself, she may see no need to break off contact with the other man.

Good luck.
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