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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Thread: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
02-22-2012 06:16 PM
effess
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

I wasn't a virgin before I married my wife, but she was. We waited until we were married before sex (even though we did fool around alot aka manual and oral) beforehand.
So I don't know if we actually count in this discussion. As for me, I have no regrets that we waited until marriage. I know some people claim that you should know that you are sexually compatible with your partner before you marry them, and that's not a bad argument. The problem with that is, as we've seen in these boards time and again, is how a spouse's sexual preferences can change dramatically through the years. Just because your spouse was as horny as a jackrabbit and a complete freak when you were dating doesn't mean after 10 yrs of marriage and 3 kids later they will be.
Also, speaking as someone who wasn't a virgin when I met my wife - a part of me wishes that I was a virgin when we got together. I feel like my prior experiences clouded or distorted my ideas about female sexuality. On the other hand, I might not have appreciated my wife sexually if I was a virgin. Or I might have wondered what other women were like in bed. Who knows.
02-22-2012 03:30 PM
finebyme72
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lionelhutz View Post
I'm all for understanding tenancies in behaviour based on biology and evolution, but we need to be careful about seeing those tenancies as norms or inevitable.

I do think that marriage is culturally "oversold" and more people need to accept that it is not a necessary or, for some, a desirable state of being.

However, simply saying that my DNA makes me want to punch the guy in front of me in line at the bank machine doesn't mean I should just give in and punch him.
Agreed. I am married and while I've been bad at times (online stuff) I certainly haven't physically or emotionally cheated. Its tempting but so far so good.

With that said, dismissing or minimizing biology isn't a good idea either. I just think we need to be true to who we are.
02-22-2012 03:00 PM
Lionelhutz
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

I'm all for understanding tendencies in behaviour based on biology and evolution, but we need to be careful about seeing those tendencies as norms or inevitable.

I do think that marriage is culturally "oversold" and more people need to accept that it is not a necessary or, for some, a desirable state of being.

However, simply saying that my DNA makes me want to punch the guy in front of me in line at the bank machine doesn't mean I should just give in and punch him.
02-22-2012 02:46 PM
finebyme72
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Middle of Everything View Post
Breaking down our sexuality to biological imperatives is not a good idea in my book.

Women would be "driven" by their DNA to find the strongest most likely to provide/survive male and mate with him. Then raise and protect her young. And repeat as many times as possible. That insures the most chances for her DNA to live on.

Men? Screw everything that moves, as we have a near unlimited supply of "DNA". Best chance that way that our genes live on, and are passed down.

Breaking everything we do as humans down to survival of our DNA and what is considered "most natural" is a road I dont want to go down.
That's the conventional wisdom but the evidence suggests otherwise. The evidence suggests women are almost as promiscuous as men and that the competition tends to happen in a surprising place - the vagina. Men's sperm seem to "compete" with each other to impregnate the woman which means that if they have to "compete" there must be other sperm to "compete" against. Early human societies and some primitive societies now have very promiscuous relationships. The marriage is a relatively new phenomenon in the scheme of human history. And these types of relationships have helped make communities throughout history stronger, not weaker because men were less likely to kill a kid because it could be his own. Also, the whole "it takes a village" philosophy takes on an entirely new meaning when it really does take a village.
02-22-2012 02:15 PM
Middle of Everything
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by finebyme72 View Post
There is a lot of evidence to suggest that we didn't evolve to be monogamous and celibate at all. And that religion, agriculture & property ownership are at fault. Look at most of the primates similar to us (communal, genital size, etc) - none of them are monogamous. Very likely we are meant to be promiscuous but property ownership (that comes along with the necessity of agriculture) has us taking one spouse so that we can pass our property on to our kids. These communal relationships that our ancestors very likely had wouldn't work today except in true communes . . . and we know there aren't too many of those around.

Of course, most of us that are married strive for monogamy but there should be some understanding pre-marriage for lack of monogamy and ergo, an expectation of premarital sex.
Breaking down our sexuality to biological imperatives is not a good idea in my book.

Women would be "driven" by their DNA to find the strongest most likely to provide/survive male and mate with him. Then raise and protect her young. And repeat as many times as possible. That insures the most chances for her DNA to live on.

Men? Screw everything that moves, as we have a near unlimited supply of "DNA". Best chance that way that our genes live on, and are passed down.

Breaking everything we do as humans down to survival of our DNA and what is considered "most natural" is a road I dont want to go down.
02-22-2012 01:50 PM
SimplyAmorous
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Threetimesalady View Post
I guess I am going to refrain from giving anymore "likes"...The reason being that I would hate for anyone to ever think that someone is bringing my name front and center for the wrong reason.....
Ahhh don't do that - I just said that cause I didn't read all of Interlocutor's posts before I went & jumped on his words -I just picked out one part and RAN with it....without seeing the whole picture. ....but I did notice that you Liked one of his posts in the corner of my eye - & I just thought to myself ...."well he can't be all that bad "..... as I often relate to your way of thinking , and I know you don't give out likes all the time -to begin with...

If you LIKE something, LIKE it, don't worry about anyone else, your name is not being used in a bad way. Doesn't matter why you like it... inspiration... you agree.... someone is being kind to you... whatever, why deny why you like it.

I put I liked his reply to me -even when he was kinda ticked at me for my hasty words ! Ha ha I liked it cause he gave me something new to THINK about and turn over in my mind, alot of good "reason" was in that -filled with the emotional in regards to this "not often talked about" subject.

Quote:
Interlocutor said: If so, here's some food for thought before you post: Do you think a good, decent, honest man would rather marry a woman who slept with one man a few times or a woman who gave and received oral to/from over 5 guys hundreds of times? Who's the virgin? Who's not? Who saved herself? Do you want to maintain that genital-on-genital is what's sacred? Let me know, because I don't think my hypothetical decent man would be lining up to marry the latter. lol
I asked my husband this last night, explained your reply .... he said he never looked at it that way before... and yeah, he would choose the woman who was only with one man & had intercourse over the one with 5 guys with wild oral sex . And he is a very decent man.
02-22-2012 01:03 PM
finebyme72
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

There is a lot of evidence to suggest that we didn't evolve to be monogamous and celibate at all. And that religion, agriculture & property ownership are at fault. Look at most of the primates similar to us (communal, genital size, etc) - none of them are monogamous. Very likely we are meant to be promiscuous but property ownership (that comes along with the necessity of agriculture) has us taking one spouse so that we can pass our property on to our kids. These communal relationships that our ancestors very likely had wouldn't work today except in true communes . . . and we know there aren't too many of those around.

Of course, most of us that are married strive for monogamy but there should be some understanding pre-marriage for lack of monogamy and ergo, an expectation of premarital sex.
02-22-2012 08:44 AM
Lionelhutz
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by QuietSoul View Post

Sex is a really important component of marriage and is very powerfully bonding. But when I hear.friends struggling or consider divorce, the pressing issue is usually to do with things like communication problems, disagreements over finances,
Posted via Mobile Device
Finances yes, that is probably the biggest source of marital stress, but I would bet few of your friends would honestly and openly talk about sexual problems.

"Communication problems" is often related to, caused by, the source of or a code word for sex.

As to whether anything in a marriage is more "pressing" or important that depends on whether you are the sexually satisfied partner. If you are satisfied or have only a modest driver, then I suppose it seems that just about everything else is more important.....except of course the sexual choices of your partner, then sex is will be seen as the very essence of marriage.
02-22-2012 07:16 AM
QuietSoul character issues such as dishonesty. or external stressors.
Posted via Mobile Device
02-22-2012 07:13 AM
QuietSoul
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Hello.

i've read most of this discussion and thought i'd blow in.

My husband and I waited for religious reasons. We struggled alot but managed to ust Scrape through on the intercourse front. During our better moments, we really benefited from just spending time together talking, and hanging out lots with our friends. I found that we were able to build a foundation of friendship and able to take about the prospect of mariage in a more sober frame of mind.

Sex is a really important component of marriage and is very powerfully bonding. But when I hear.friends struggling or consider divorce, the pressing issue is usually to do with things like communication problems, disagreements over finances,
Posted via Mobile Device
02-22-2012 07:01 AM
QuietSoul
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Posted via Mobile Device
02-22-2012 12:32 AM
heartsbeating
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandakiss View Post
the choices we make in life arent always easy, or easy to live with. you cant change the past, but you can make the future better.
02-22-2012 12:24 AM
heartsbeating
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

oops, but maybe I shouldn't be on this thread as I didn't wait until marriage. He's been my only lover and while I cherish that we've experienced this journey together, I don't necessarily think it's enhanced our marriage and/or is something I regret either.

Sex is special because it's him and I. End of. Am I glad I found a sexual partner that I vibe with? Yes. Am I glad that I didn't get hurt or feel used through sex, before him? Yes. Would my husband have cared if I'd had experiences before him? No.

The "special" to me is being together.
02-21-2012 11:45 PM
heartsbeating
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by bubbly girl View Post
I've said this before in another thread, but I'll say it again. It doesn't matter if your spouse was your first, it only matters that he/she is your last.
I agree!

My husband was my first and only. I didn't plan/wait for marriage. Heck, I didn't even anticipate marrying anyone but I fell in love with him and knew I wanted to spend my life with him.

I waited for love. I knew it would crush me if I didn't feel loved and respected by the man I gave myself to. I was protective of myself and didn't want to be anyone's fool. I wasn't my husband's first. He waited for me to be ready though and I think we did nearly everything under the sun during that time and leading up to intercourse. We explored and experimented and had lots of sexy, sensual fun. In hindsight, this was the best thing we could have done.

It never crossed my mind to try different lovers or feel like I was missing out - maybe because him and I just synced on so many levels and our sexual journey together was good. That's not to say we haven't had our moments of disconnect and our relationship has been all peachy.

It's interesting to me when I read here that many feel that sex is the glue that's held them together. While sex is certainly important to me/us, I always felt our bond and friendship was the glue. Not to be confused with just being "friends" but I not only love him but I like him as a person too. I think our mutual understanding of each other has been our glue. When my 30's hormones kicked in, my own sexual preferences seemed to get kicked up a notch with that drive. He's been understanding in this and it feels like we're rediscovering each other sexually again.

If he hadn't met me when we were young, I'm not so sure I'd be as guarded with my sexuality as I matured... but I have never felt I 'missed out' by having him as my only lover.
02-21-2012 09:14 PM
Lionelhutz
Re: Question for those that waited until marriage for sex

I didn't wait. I'm really glad I didn't wait.

And since far too many people marry that should never marry, I am not going to suggest to my son that he should feel the need to wait until marriage or even assume he will want to marry at any point in his life.
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