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Topic Review (Newest First)
03-01-2015 01:44 PM
Angelou
Re: My list of hell!

Take back control of your life Sir.
03-01-2015 09:04 AM
AVR1962
Re: My list of hell!

Why are you still together? You both sound pretty miserable together.
03-01-2015 07:31 AM
Uptown
Re: My list of hell!

Maybe, thanks so much for returning to update your original thread, which you started back in October 2011. By sharing your experiences here, you've helped numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your story in this thread has already attracted about 45,000 views. There seem to be two reasons for this popularity. One is that, in your very first post above, you come out of the gate with a detailed, concise, and articulate account of problems occurring in your marriage.

The other reason, in my view, is that you describe a problem affecting a substantial share of other marriages and LTRs. The lifetime incidence of BPD was found to be 6% in a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (funded by the National Institutes of Health and published in 2008). If BPDers only formed LTRs with other BPDers, this finding would imply 6% of all LTRs include a BPDer.

Yet, because BPDers are emotionally unstable, they strongly desire to be paired with a partner having a stable personality -- so that partner can help to center and ground the BPDer and provide a sense of direction. That is, BPDers nearly always enter long-term relationships with nonBPDers. Hence, although BPDers account for only 6% of the population, they likely account for (i.e., are a member of) nearly 12% of the long-term relationships. Moreover, the figure likely is larger than that because BPDers typically have more failed marriages and other failed LTRs, leaving a long trail of abused ex-partners.
03-01-2015 05:35 AM
MaybeItsMe?
Re: My list of hell!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown View Post
Maybe, are you still around? If so, please give us a status update. Am wondering how you're getting along with your W and whether her boss has fired her by now.
Sorry for the lack of updates!

Some things have changed, she moved to a new office with a new boss and is moving again soon.

She is getting worse and for the most part I cope but do have my off days. I think she takes me more and more for granted these days than ever before and is slowly becoming more and more unreasonable and paranoid. The sulking when she doesn't get her own way is a weekly occurrence now and she hardly spends any time with me (mainly due to the sulking)

She now 100% refuses to resolve any conflict, she will sulk and sulk but not talk or bring anything of any value to try and fix even the smallest disagreement but it doesn't surprise me.

When we do spend time together she reads her books and if I try and make idle chit chat or talk to her she says I'm chatting **** and she is trying to concentrate. If I call her in the day and she bothers to actually answer I get one word answers and awkward silences.

If she wants sex and doesn't get it she withholds it for weeks If I want sex she withholds it and the last time we had sex she didn't orgasim and had a massive strop, I did offer to give her her orgasim in other ways but she refused and now uses it from time to time to belittle me.

All good apart from that
04-26-2014 02:49 PM
Uptown
Re: My list of hell!

Maybe, are you still around? If so, please give us a status update. Am wondering how you're getting along with your W and whether her boss has fired her by now.
11-12-2013 06:18 PM
Uptown
Re: My list of hell!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaybeItsMe? View Post
I think my wife is getting worse....
Like you, Maybe, I didn't find the validation techniques mentioned in Stop Walking on Eggshells to be helpful. Such techniques likely are helpful when the partner's BPD traits are at a moderate level but not when they are at a strong level, as appears to be the case with your W. I'm sorry to hear that her behavior is not improving.
11-12-2013 01:15 PM
MaybeItsMe?
Re: My list of hell!

I think my wife is getting worse, she has painted a lot of friends black (there is no hope for the now) and has pissed of her boss and her team leader at work and now has a disciplinary meeting. I used to try and calm her down and keep her away from these work outbursts, warn her about being nasty to the people around her but I don't do it any more, I let her get on with it. Sadly I also have no sympathy for her and actually understand what her workplace must be going through.
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11-09-2013 10:53 AM
argyle
Re: My list of hell!

...my experience is that, on those occasions where my wife was expressing an emotion, validation was helpful. On those occasions where my wife was avoiding feeling an emotion by projecting bad behaviors onto me and then responding abusively to the projections...less so. Or just when she was throwing a tantrum to relieve stress.

--Argyle
11-09-2013 10:42 AM
argyle
Re: My list of hell!

...my experience is that, on those occasions where my wife was expressing an emotion, validation was helpful. On those occasions where my wife was avoiding feeling an emotion by projecting bad behaviors onto me and then responding abusively to the projections...less so. Or just when she was throwing a tantrum to relieve stress.

--Argyle
11-08-2013 03:23 PM
Uptown
Re: My list of hell!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaybeItsMe? View Post
My wife does this a lot, goes round and around and then gets angry with me that the conversation is looping.
Maybe, did you find the validation techniques mentioned in Stop Walking on Eggshells to be helpful? I ask because, IME, such techniques are helpful when the partner's BPD traits are at a moderate level but not when they are at a strong level.
10-07-2013 01:32 PM
EleGirl
Re: My list of hell!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaybeItsMe? View Post
Yes, I know my list is smaller than hers and I am 100% sure she has a huge list about me

Manning up doesn't work. I have tried what is called the 180 here and she finds that annoying. She like the nice things I do and if i don't do them well thats just more ammunition. I feel like a jester to be honest.
The 180 is NOT manning up. The 180 that is given out here is for a person who use when they are an emotional wreck because their spouse is having an affair and will not end the affair.
10-07-2013 01:19 PM
argyle
Re: My list of hell!

Setting boundaries works. With 3 caveats.
(a) BPDs oscillate a lot. And bad behavior is capped. So, good boundaries do not mean you should expect an elimination of visits to crazytown.
(b) Enforcing boundaries results in feelings of abandonment, so the immediate reaction (think 3-6 months) will be one of increased dysfunction.
(c) Escalation is required. So, if you won't engage in looping conversations. That means the sequence is something like...

1) Conversation looping->done
2) Not stopping->leaving the room
3) Following->leaving the house, and staying out for about a day
4) Blocking you->calling the police, and leaving her in jail for a while

That said, not feeding into crazytalk does help.

Regarding hopelessness, it depends on the BPD. BPD is surprisingly treatable in many instances. I'd argue that my wife has made a transition from BPD to seriously neurotic.

Personally, I found that the 'best' response to projections involved calmly cutting my wife off and explaining that her behavior was pure projection. And then explaining exactly which bit of shame she was projecting and that feeling shame was normal but projecting it was unhealthy. And then telling her that I wouldn't discuss anything further while leaving her to cry/melt down on the floor. And then coming back a day later. The problem is that validating crazy doesn't help.

And, anyways, there's a certain amount of venting my wife needs to do under stress - and given a choice between a helpless crying fit and an abusive rage, I prefer the former.

--Argyle
10-07-2013 08:26 AM
Uptown
Re: My list of hell!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LifeIsBeautiful42 View Post
I had tried setting boundaries, it does not work because it simply does not register. But by not reacting to it and not telling her that that I disliked her behavior, am I validating her actions? I'm hoping that she realizes her behavior does not affect me (to the point that I need to show displeasure or anger). Like if a child throws tantrums and people around her pay no attention and carry on normally, the child eventually stops since it is pointless?
LIB, I agree with you that, by not reacting emotionally to her attempts to start a fight, you are reducing her incentive to create drama. If she has only mild to moderate BPD traits, that approach -- together with your frequent validations of her feelings -- may make your M workable.

In that case, however, I would not agree that "setting boundaries does not work." The boundary you are setting is your refusal to participate in childish arguments that create pointless drama. You are enforcing violations of that boundary by allowing her to suffer the logical consequences of her actions -- i.e., you are ignoring her and, if necessary, leaving the room when she escalates the attack. Hence, if you don't want to be an "enabler," your only option is to create personal boundaries and strictly enforce them when they are violated.
10-07-2013 06:38 AM
MaybeItsMe?
Re: My list of hell!

My wife does this a lot, goes round and around and then gets angry with me that the conversation is looping. She also sticks to the same thought process no matter what I say.
10-06-2013 11:37 PM
LifeIsBeautiful42
Re: My list of hell!

Hi Uptown,
You were spot on, thanks for explaining. Previously I had tried to rationalize, and it was probably more for me to regain my sanity then to help her regain hers, which wasn't possible anyway. Recently, after an event I tried staying calm (not losing it) and letting it pass. Nothing further came from it. Seems for my W, any reaction to her acting out makes it worse, much worse. I had tried setting boundaries, it does not work because it simply does not register. But by not reacting to it and not telling her that that I disliked her behavior, am I validating her actions? I'm hoping that she realizes her behavior does not affect me (to the point that I need to show displeasure or anger). Like if a child throws tantrums and people around her pay no attention and carry on normally, the child eventually stops since it is pointless?
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