Originally Posted by daddio
I'm new at this site. I will try to be brief but accurate. My wife and I have been married 20 years and lived in the mid-west for years near our families. I lost my job there about 3 years ago and had to move to the east coast for a job. Since then our relationship has been slowly deteriorating. I know she misses her family terribly (and I miss mine). She has been trying to find a satisfying job since she has been here, but has been unable to. She works mostly daycare when she can.
She seems like she is getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I have tried to get her to talk about her problems with a counselor, but when we go, it's all my fault. I do not pay enough attention to her. I do not make things special enough for her. We had a big fight yesterday about what I got her for Christmas. I got her what was on her list. At first she seemed happy about it, but as the day wore on, and the unwrapping was over, she became more and more upset about her gifts and said they were unimaginative. She said I didn't go that extra step and get her a special present.
Frankly, I do not know what to do anymore. I am wondering if I should even stay in this relationship. We have two teenage kids, so I do not want to be divorced, but I also want to be happy again. I am tired of walking on eggshells around her and waiting for her to explode. The littlest things seem to set her off.
She said last night that she feels like she has nothing. No job, no friends, no family. She has a very negative self image, and has always battled her weight. She is constantly criticizing herself and complaining about how fat she is (she is not terribly overweight in my opinion). She constantly argues with the kids and me over silly stuff.
It seems like she is very depressed to me since her Mom died this past April. I think she feels cut off from her past life, from her family and friends who are all back in the midwest. I am trying to find a new job back there, but so far no luck. I want her to be happy. I love her very much, but her moods and these fights on all the holidays are killing me. The kids notice it too. They do not want to spend too much time around her. There are times when she can be in a really good mood and fun to be with, and we have a good time. But then sometimes this other person comes out and she is not so much fun to be around.
I am seeing a counselor for myself to try to figure out what I can do. I just wanted to get this out there to see what everyone here thought about this situation. Your thoughts and opinions are welcome.
If you are new to this site, go to my profile and pick almost any of my 93 posts and see the same solution to a story much like yours.
You are letting your woman lead the relationship, and you follow her trying to appease her and do whatever she is telling you to try to make her happy. Keep this up and you both will be more and more miserable until you are wishing for the day of your death.
Here are the facts:
A woman will love and respect and be irrestibly attracted to a dominant man. The dominant man is simply this: the good man that is in control of himself and his environment.
A woman will resent a "weak man", and this is because such a man produces in her deep insecurity, and she will despise this man for these feelings.
What you need to do:
Stop being the "nice guy". This is the surest way to have a miserable, sexless marriage that is in danger of affairs or divorce.
Never walk on eggshells around your woman. Be the confident man in control that she fell in love with at all times.
Get control of yourself and your environment. Physical fitness, career, the upkeep of the home, the emotional and sexual relationship, these are all what the woman is looking for the man to take the ownership of and show he is caring for.
Stop seeking the approval of your woman. Be calm, confident, and at ease in all situations, whether your woman is behaving or throwing a tantrum. A woman is respecting a man that is the emotional pillar, and hating the man whose emotions are blown by the wind.
And your woman's insecurities are cured simply by this:
Make your woman feel you can have any woman in the world, yet are desiring her.
Also that you are happy and successful with or without her, but are desiring her to share in your happiness.
Talk is cheap, but actions are speaking louder than words. Knock off the "you are pretty" and "you're not fat" talk, and instead show the passionate kiss, the firm spank on the rear, and plan a date once or twice a week down to the minute WITHOUT asking your woman's input.
These things are SHOWING not telling your woman that she is desirable to you, and that she is worth you standing up and being the man for.
This will kill the insecurity in a woman.
When the womans insecurity is killed, sexual attraction will again flow like the river.
I wish you well.