My wife is depressed and blames me
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 12-27-2009, 03:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My wife is depressed and blames me

Ok so I am a 23 year old Marine and I married a 30 year old japanese woman we have been married for 3 years now and she has now been saying how she has been getting more and more depressed ever since we got married. I understand that in the beginning it is a huge culture shock to not only be thrown into the Marine Corp but also an American style of husband would be difficult on anyone. I try to be understanding, we watch japanese TV and I follow traditional Japanese music, I learned the language can't read but can speak pretty well, but i come home and she is always depressed, we have 3 kids a 14 old son a 12 year olf daughter and a 18 month old that is mine the other two are from her previous marriage to a japanese man. I try to listen to her but when she asks if I understand if I don't know I answer truthfully that I don't know, and ask more questions so that I can try to understand, and if I understand I relate with her. I want to make things work but she tells me all the time that when she thinks about all her problems and why she has them they all point to me, I admit we don't always have enough money, I work a lot and sometimes have to do odd things because that is what the Marine Corp does but I can't change those things I try to sympathize and get out of as much of the stupid thigns as I can but it's hard. She tells me that I need to research on how the family has to treat her and all I can do is get mad in thinking that she wants more special treatment and how troublesome it will be, I try hard I come home after work 13 hours and I give our baby a bath I fold clothes I play with the kids I help my older ones with homework and then she complains how the house always gets dirty and no one helps her keep it clean and says its my fault for being a bad father and huband. What can I do I am about to snap myself and I can't let myself do that, I scheduled and appointment with a psychologist for myself so that I can ease my wife into going with me and maybe finding some things out, but is that enough?
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Old 12-27-2009, 06:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and blames me

Marriage and raising kids is difficult regardless of culture, stepkids, or military lifestyle. I also think it is very common for stay-at-home moms to feel frustrated and need help when Hubby gets home. Do you guys live near other parents? Maybe your wife needs friends to talk to rather than dumping all her complaints and stories on you. Your wife doesn't sound depressed at all, to me. I think you two just need to agree on the roles of your marriage. Parenthood is a 24/7 job, and it only seems humane to be able to give each other regular breaks.
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Old 12-27-2009, 06:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and blames me

A visit to a psychologist is a good start. Maybe a list of specific things she wants done could be made. Then you could agree and negotiate these things. If you do the things she asks and she is still not happy or pulling her own weight, maybe she will then admit that depression is part of the problem... not you. It seems that culture shock COULD cause depression. But even so, a family cannot survive if a wife does not try to cure her depression, no matter what the cause. Seems like therapy is a great place to start. Try not to fight in the meantime. Don't take the bait if she tries to start arguments. Depressed people sometimes like to argue for no reason. You can just listen and empathize until you get some professional advice instead. Don't get mad. It will only make things worse.
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Old 08-20-2010, 06:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and blames me

Not good is all I can say. The problem with many mid generation women in Japan raised on the bank of mum and dad is that they expect to have the life of a princess. She would have watched movies of western guys falling in love with Japanese women and living happily ever after. The thing is that we dont all earn millions of $ and live the high life. What you find with japanese women like this is that the father in the family is usualy very controlling, usually a heavy drinker and very pre 1900 in his attitude to a womens role. Unfortuntaley for her she is the commodity of japans 1970 baby boom. The men worked hard, drink til midnight and the women would often be left alone with the child all day every day. What happens here is that the mother then gives all 100% attention to that child. Unfortunatley that child finds its hard to adjust to real life, ie household chores, cleaning and laundry. Whilst what she is doing is unfair, its also black mail, has she ever blamed you for not having enough money to buy here all the good things, Japanese women are very materialistic and due to the supression of being able to develop and mature back to my previous point I would say that she is blaming you in a unfair manner. You need to tell her that it stops here right now, do you have a pal you can stay with, go out and get drunk behave like a agorant man and she will soon realise that what she has is worth being happy about, if she threatens to leave or whatever then just tell her fine leave then.
The one thing japanese women cant cope with is playing them at their own game. Also one thing I noted here does she not work, can she go out and work even at 7/11 or something it might help her to gain some more confidence and take the stress of you.
I had a very similair experience to this with my wife she demanded everything and when the monies run out its not pretty, she even stated one time that because of me she would have to go and become a prositute, I laughed and said well a womens got to do what a womens got to do. Not that being a prositute is acceptable form of work but its down to maturity of being able to hack a life that sometimes is great and sometimes can be hell. The problem here i think is that most japanese women in the age range of 20-40 have been spoilt rotten and not really had to adjust to the reality called life.
You have to stand up to this women and say to here shape up or ship out. Your a young marine who would get snapped up in a second out on the town in Tokyo so dont let this womens abbarasive negativity and selfish manner pull you down. Its ok somethime to say " you know what this isnt working, I want some time away" she may go back to her moms house and cry lots for 2 weeks but then Mom will get fed up and so will papasan he will tell.
Most japanese women dont realise what they have , they should be gratefull for.

Best of luck, just dont let her bully you into thinking its your fault its not, you work hard. If your looking after the kids without a break and doing a long shift she needs to contribute financially ie get a job.

Best of luck.
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