stillINshock

My H has had multiple As. We're on a different path and I live hopeful that that 'phase' is behind him. Reads like I'm an idiot, but its a loaded situation, and not what this post is about.

I'm writing because I'm incredibly lonely. He has to travel - his last A happened around the travel - and right in front of me w/texting. Whenever he goes - its not that I suspect him of having another A, its that I feel he is able to more easily be away from me than me from him. I'm incredibly lonely. I think he pushes his emotions away to deal with the work and return home. (?) But I can't. Not like I could in the past before knowing about the As.

Now, when he is gone I feel incredibly needy and lonely and awful. Please don't suggest that he change his work. I've suggested it to others and I'm facing a reality that its not possible for him right now. He doesn't have to go frequently - and when he is here with me things are good. But when he goes I absolutely spiral - can't move. Want to curl up in a ball on the floor and just not exist.
I'm so down right now and no one can help me.
How in the hell do you deal with this? What has happened to my life? I'm not supposed to be like this. My life isn't supposed to be like this.
I'm sorry if anyone else out there is reading this and crashing because I'm so pathetic. I just really feel lost and lonely.

Not even sure why I'm posting this. I wish he could care enough to figure out a way to make me feel better when he's not here. Its like, if he's not here seeing me like this he can just ignore it. He knows I'm down. He knows I crash whenever he goes. I'm at a complete loss as to what he could do to make me feel better.

Gave him some relationship reading to do while there and asked him to respond and talk about it. No response. Maybe that's why I'm bummed right not. I need him to read it and respond. He...doesn't need it. And my need just doesn't rank up there. This is pathetic.

Is this a journal entry not meant for others? Or is there someone out there that can shine some light on my situation?

JustMe23

I would love to shine some light on your situation and say that there are many others who care. Being my first post, I don't want to give too much advice. However, my therapist is always emphasizing that fulfillment for me needs to come from within. Affairs will cause massive erosion of self esteem, and being alone in your situation would make anyone want to curl up in a ball. Please, please find someone professional to talk to...you will not regret it. I think it's vitally necessary. You can get better. Many of us have. It's a lot of work, but you are worth every second and the rest of your life awaits you. It will be better because you have the strength to make it that way. Trust me.
When my husband leaves the house for work, I still find myself getting lost in myself. I feel like a failure sometimes because of my dependence on him. I'm still working through a lot of this with the therapist who gave us marriage counseling. It's a continual process for me, but I've seen improvement and now I have tools (and medications!) to help me through. I understand where you are. It's a very low place. But there is light, and it does get better, especially when you learn to like...even love...yourself.

stillINshock

thanks 23.
i hear you. i have seen a professional off and on. it helps. but i find it forces me to move toward decision mode. i can't be in decision mode yet. (by decision mode i am realizing that i might have to leave him eventually if this continues.) i have to float day to day for awhile, and its hard. i think for now i have to follow the notion of "life has its reasons and its path, and everything works itself out somehow." i guess i'm hoping that he finds a way to prevent me from leaving. and right now i'm not feeling like he's working on that. i'm going to give it more time. but the future is certainly much less of a known that it once was in my life.

i know i'm worth it. i know eventually i will be back in control of my life somehow. i know this is a temporary holding pattern. its just a period i need to go through i guess.

thanks for your post.