He hates himself more than he loves me
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 03-30-2010, 12:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He hates himself more than he loves me

I supposed I have turned to this forum as a last resort. I seem to have found myself in the most precarious situation. My husband and I were very much in love and best friends. We had a generally healthy and loving marriage.
Though he has spent the majority of his life battling depression but been in denial about it. A few turn of events (having nothing to do with me) have sent him on a downward spiral and he has reached the bottom. Over the last 6 months he has become increasingly distant from me and often acts like a stranger towards me. He has now admitted that he is depressed and is seeing a therapist. About 3 weeks ago he told me that he wants a divorce. I was dumb founded. He said he doesn't deserve love and wants to be alone for the rest of his life. He still tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses on me so I am utterly confused. We have even began to talk about who gets what in the divorce as if we are talking about a grocery list. He really has no emotion over it. I know he loves me so why would he do this? What do I do? He will be going to another dr soon and hopefully get some anti-depressants but I don't know if that will change his outlook on things. How do you say you are in love with someone yet tell them you want a divorce? I want to stand by him and see him through this because I fear its just the depression talking but I am so lost.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He hates himself more than he loves me

I am glad he is getting medical help. Be sure to share how you feel with his doctor. His feelings and actions may be connected to his condition.

From what you wrote, it sounds like he may be playing the "push her away to make her come after me" game. For example, he might say "I don't deserve you" just to hear you say "Yes you do." It is just a way of seeking out the extra support he may need during an especially difficult time.

An extreme example are people who threaten to commit suicide, just "for the attention". Maybe his version of extreme action is threatening divorce.

You can choose to react to this behavior by giving unconditional love and support, but by not encouraging it with overdramatics. Hopefully things will improve after the doctor visit.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He hates himself more than he loves me

Thank you, Q for that insight. That does give me another way of looking at things and maybe a glimmer of hope.
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