husband makes me feel insignificant
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 04-24-2010, 05:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default husband makes me feel insignificant

We have been married for 2 years, together for another one.
I don't have a high school qualification and has been doing odd jobs like waitressing, translation services, housekeeping. He did well in school and has highly paid jobs before he was retrenched. For almost a year now, he hasn't found work.

I love to keep our home clean, always tidying and washing up, doing all the housework. I never demanded him to buy expensive things for me. I tend to go to charity shops and buy my own second-hand clothes or when there are big sales in the shops. For food, I tend to visit the cheapest grocery stores or buy from the market.

I have always been the one to suggest we go somewhere, like a stroll in some forest or parks or sight-seeing. He always say yeah let's go. But it didn't happen. He is too busy on the internet. For birthdays or major holidays, I would always buy him practical presents like expensive leather shoes as he demanded, clothes, leather belts, poarized sunglasses.

He never bought me small pressies like flowers or books which I love reading. He even insulted my educational non-fiction books as rubbish and he has more knowledge that all the stupid books I have.

We went for a massage and I was molested, yet he could accuse me for trying to molest the masseur! Everything is him. Today he accused me everything is about myself and he has called a counsellor for himself as he needs to speak to someone. I have no one here in this foreign country I can't speak to no one. He has friends and family here.

I ask him to do something around the house, his response of NOW could be from hours later to a few months. He is full of talk and no action. Yet he doesn't think he's lying or procrastinating, just that he couldn't find time around doing things, or he would forget about them.

I have heavy menses today and all whole body is sore, he was actually nice to suggest we go out for some fresh air, after 1 hour of driving, he said he has sacrificed a lot for me and I didn't do anything for him and I got off the car. He wanted to go home. I was left stranded in a new place, feeling cold and really depressed.

He came later and I hoped to myself he would just stop all the fights but then off he went by saying I'm violent and losing my temper the whole time, he is a nice kind man, bla bla blah.

When I'm upset or we have a row, he never ever coax me or say nice things to me. All he will say is: Don't be upset, or Don't be angry.
That's all, I feel so dejected. I haven't smile for a long time, like a few months now. I smile yesterday, and he asked what for reason am I smiling. I told him I really would rather smile than sulk.

I'm really depressed and isolated.
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Old 04-24-2010, 10:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

What a lot of pain you are feeling. If you can go to counseling together, that would be good, if you find a good counselor, if not, keep looking.

Very sorry about the massage and being violated. So much is pressuring you, no wonder you feel terrible!

Best,

Lyn
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Old 04-25-2010, 02:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

This is not a healthy relationship. Marriage is about give and take, and compromise. I really do hope that you guys can find a happy medium, and I would again suggest counselling before making any major decisions. But you have every right to be upset and feel hurt. I would too. I just think you need to be able to tell him, in a calm setting with another person in the room. I think that is the most healthy way to be able to get your point across without causing a fight. Not saying you do, but from his perspective you would be.
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Old 04-25-2010, 04:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

I have been to see a counsellor once in our first year of marriage, then I kept persuading him for us to go together. I have asked him to read the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars book. He would turn around and tell me I should follow everything that's said but he won't read about the women's section.
He refused for us to seek counselling together because he doesn't think he has any problem at all.
Now he wants to see a counsellor on his own as he thinks I'm the one upsetting him all this time. For all this time we've been together I've tried to cook his favourite dishes, ironed his clothes. I am a frugal person and saved money since I started working. I bought him a Wii to lose weight.
He never cooked for me, always for himself. The clothes I spent hours ironing, he would throw them on the bed, "unintentionally" creasing them.
I can't really talk to him in the day time, because he said he "forgot" to brush his teeth.
When he goes out to meet his friend, he would shave, shower and perfumed.
I have turned into a monster, because initially I have talked very nicely, politely and calmly to him please do this, don't that because they are not unhygenic or they are not healthy for you. Then after a year, I just can't being his mother, talk to him as if he was a baby, I started shouting at him, and that I'm sick I have to remind him so many times. He always loses his wallet, car keys, and other important documents. He thinks it's alright and that I am nice to turn the whole house over to look for them. But everytime, especially the car keys, I have to look in the fridge, the freezer, behind the couch, cupboard, wardrobe, mattress, bed, the bins, for hours and hours each and everytime. His mother does that for him, she doesn't mind but I seriously do. Imagine all the tidying later.
My family has long forsaken me. She abused me badly since I was a kid, because she blames me for her broken marriage when I was a baby to my father.
Am I being petty or abnormal? We haven't a baby yet. Or should I talk to him gently as his mother does to him although he's nearly 40?
I have done a lot in the house, but in the end, he kept saying this is HIS house.
Love has turned into resentment for me now. He doesn't care, and slowly I don't think I do as well.
I'm sick, he would say I'm not sick, all I need is sleep and rest.
I'm sad, he would say I'm not sad, things will pass.
I'm angry, he would say don't be angry. He won't even acknowledge or discuss about it.
I told him I'm not happy, he would say he isn't happy as well because of me.
I have told him if he's so tight about buying things for me, I am very happy if he plucks some flowers from the garden for me.
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

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Originally Posted by Lyn View Post
What a lot of pain you are feeling. If you can go to counseling together, that would be good, if you find a good counselor, if not, keep looking.

Very sorry about the massage and being violated. So much is pressuring you, no wonder you feel terrible!

Best,

Lyn
Great insight, Lyn. I would likewise encourage a counselor.

Another thing to keep in mind: never let another person negatively define or tell you who you are (at least don't agree with him or her). You are so much more than that.

A great book that really helped me sort out my self-esteem (even if others were critisizing me) was:

As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
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Last edited by created4success; 05-06-2010 at 08:38 PM.
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Old 04-29-2010, 12:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sometimes husband don't know how to be thankful . Iam learning the hard not to be married . Iam newly married . But going through a hard time in my life now . Don't have his support at all with anything at home . All he does is play games with playstation almost everyday . After I reach home from work I find the house is more messy than before . Hes like iam the women and should do everything . All these days i been so tired and he still expects me to do something with him . When I don't feel like because I don't get any help . Everyday I been having a fight with him and yesterday he told me to leave if I want to . Hes not scared at all to lose me . Please someone give an advice iam only 24 years old . I really don't need to live like this . Iam so heart broken with all this .
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Old 04-29-2010, 03:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

Sorry you are having such a hard time and that your husband seems to be so self-centered. If he is self centered, it is likely things well not change. If he cares about your feelings he will work on being your partner. You haven't said whether he is at home playing games all day and not working, but that you come home and he has been inconsiderate, taken you for granted or taking advantage of you and just living for himself. This is not live for you.

Best,

Lyn
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Old 04-29-2010, 06:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

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Originally Posted by alonewife24 View Post
Sometimes husband don't know how to be thankful.
I think that men oftentimes have a hard time expressing themselves.
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Originally Posted by alonewife24 View Post
Hes like iam the women and should do everything. All these days i been so tired and he still expects me to do something with him.
It sounds like you're there for him to do all the housework, spend quality time with him, etc. What, exactly, does he see that he contributes to your relationship?

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Originally Posted by alonewife24 View Post
When I don't feel like because I don't get any help . Everyday I been having a fight with him and yesterday he told me to leave if I want to.
I'm so sorry that he said that to you so flippantly, I know it must hurt. While he may not be afraid of losing you, he would be stupid not to see the great deal he has in you!

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Hes not scared at all to lose me . Please someone give an advice iam only 24 years old . I really don't need to live like this . Iam so heart broken with all this .
What do you want to do?
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Last edited by created4success; 05-06-2010 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 04-29-2010, 09:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

Thank you everyone for giving me advice . He works on thursday and friday and saturday and sunday . But when hes home doesn't do anything at all . And his mother told me i got to always have the food ready for him when he gets home . Today he said sorry saying he didn't know why he say things like that . I know this is bad because this is just for now he change . I think if he does this again I will leave just to see if he takes me for granted at all . His job is in a market that leaves me alone on the weekends . He said thats how life is . Iam not allowed to have any pets in the house so that just leaves me alone on my own . He said if I had a baby i wouldn't be alone . But thats not how it works at all . Can anyone tell me if its right what he thinks ?
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Old 04-30-2010, 05:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

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Thank you everyone for giving me advice .
Glad to help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by alonewife24 View Post
Can anyone tell me if its right what he thinks ?
I believe that his thinking is very misguided. As a wife, your sole purpose is not to serve and wait on your husband and then not have much of a life when he's not around. I don't like a lot of things my wife does sometimes and I drive her crazy as well, however, we openly communicate and express ourselves to each other, listening, giving feedback and adjusting our words and behavior, when needed. Perhaps your husband is tired from his job and it's all he can do when he comes home to be civil, I understand.

However, that's not much of a relationship and I'd be excited about how you guys could work together to change it.
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Last edited by created4success; 05-06-2010 at 09:43 PM.
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

My relationship hasn't gotten any better with time . I am trying to be strong but there are days that all I want to do is cry . Now next week I will be going to see my parents back home . Even that has cause trouble with him . I told I wanted to go because I have two reasons to go one is for work and second is to see them . The first thing that he did was tell his parents . Which is very wrong . I don't understand everyday he wants to fight about anything . I guess its better that I go for a week . So he learns to value me more and not what others say instead more . I am losing it with him always putting me down .
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Old 05-08-2010, 12:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

You may need more than a week if your description of things is accurate.

Take care,

Lyn
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

Thanks for your advice . Iam finally faraway from him . For only a week . Yet I feel much better like this . He stills calls me even if iam faraway . I just wish to be disconnected from him . He starts being all rude on the phone . Hes like why don't you call me tomorrow to wake me up for work . Iam like I can't . I really need a break from him . I really got upset . Like i'am already faraway from him in another country . I just wish he change alittle . My own father said you really shouldn't be calling him everyday because that means you guys don't miss eachother. I think its a great point because i don't miss him at all after what he has done to me .
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

He calls you, is rude and demands that you call him to wake him up for work? This guy doesn't need a wife, he needs a wake-up call.

I'm concerned that things will deteriorate further unless he decides there is a reason to change. At this point, I would tell him that I would talk to him on the phone if he can be civil, otherwise, not interested.

Do you have to leave in a week?

Best, Lyn
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband makes me feel insignificant

I am going back next week to my normal life . Which isnt great at all . I know he needs a big wake up call . Just today i went to see my cousins and aunts and wasnt home to call him . He got mad because i didn't call him . I told him he shouldn't be like that . Looks like he didn't really care what i said . I don't understand why he acts like this . He stills said watch when i leave for a week .
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