Hello,
I have sought out a marriage forum to seek advice from others regarding my situation. I could use some advice on effectively communicating with my husband about his recent lack of providing for our family. Let me just sum up a few of the issues. For nearly a year, my husband has worked very minimally. He is on a contract position, has a masters degree in a physical science, and is currently employed as a sys admin (telecommute). As a contractor, he must seek projects to work on, as he is paid hourly. Right now, he is averaging $1600/month gross, even though he makes $45/hour. You can understand the math - he works about 36 hrs/month, or 9 hours a week. Taxes are not taken out, so what is deposited in the bank is gross not net (he has not done the proper paperwork, evidently), so we currently owe the IRS a significant amount of money. We are in a serious financial situation. I am salaried, and have been working a huge amount trying to get promotions and raises to help make ends meet. My dear husband simply has no energy to do the same. When I bring up the situation, or ask him to be a little bit more assertive in applying for better jobs, he defensively asks me what else I expect him to do, as he is doing everything he can to get more hours, and invariably adds that I should stop lecturing him. On a daily basis, I or my kids observe him playing video games, watching tv, and perusing the internet from morning till late, late night, with a bit of work strewn in between.
We have an 18 year old (my step-daughter by title only; I have raised her for 12 years and she is a legal dependent of mine and officially known as "my girl" <3) and a six-year old son.
We currently rent in a terrible neighborhood in a house that is in deplorable condition, despite our strong academic backgrounds (I work at a university now, however as those who have been young faculty know, the initial pay is quite small for many years). My husband has on his own accumulated over $100,000 in student loans (for a degree he did not complete to a level of his liking - he got a masters, not Ph.D. which is very likely part of his lack of motivation to work), over $12,000 in medical bills (we had to have both his hips replaced a few years ago), and nearly $10,000 to IRS. All loans are in default, as we spend all of our earnings on regular monthly bills. I have my own student loans that we applied for after becoming married, as for many years we had to pay his parents' rent and monthly bills. These are in my name of course (he had run out on being able to obtain a loan), so - as he is the first to remind me - I am ultimately responsible for these. I can't remember if I agreed to these or not at the time. I don't have that recollection, and our grad school years were so rough on both of us that many of those events - even our unlikely marriage - seem a blur. So, I hereby take that on and accept this $25,000 debt in my name. In any case, we stupidly chose to - on two grad student salaries mind you - make the fateful decision to fund his parents living arrangement for all those years.
My dear husband is morbidly obese, to which we both feel so helpless (he does not eat a whole lot, however he is exceedingly sedentary despite the new hips), often has body odor, and sweats profusely (he is usually soaking when we hug). He is on an antidepressant, which probably needs to be increased or switched. I need to take a stand for him and get him to a doctor (nearly 30% of my paycheck goes to our family benefit plan - thank the Good Lord we have access to medical benefits).
We had a nice bundle of savings there for awhile, but we blew it all this past year. My in-laws both suffered very bad medical problems consecutively (heart attack with subsequent bypass surgery and kidney failure). My MIL is still in nursing home. My husband essentially stopped working when this occurred (unbeknownst to me - he is telecommute so I foolishly did not notice he was not working). My husband has always wanted to take care of the family finances, and he was never very supportive of me getting involved. That was a source of many conflicts, and I - as usual - yielded to the conflict and left it alone. That is until a month ago, I figured we had a good portion of our nest egg ($10,000-ish), only to find out we had $1.46. Yep. That was what we had. I learned later that was after my FIL transferred $500 into our account. I was a fool to not be strong about being involved in the finances.
There are other matters for which I feel too weak to speak up about to him. He forbids the celebration of Christmas (my favorite holiday). Our kids have never celebrated, and I know my son wants to. He claims to be Jewish, but does nothing remotely Jewish other than forbid Christmas. Arrgh.
You see, I carry so much guilt for not being a good enough wife to keep my husband happy or to take care of him. Before and leading up to the hip replacements, I just gained so much from taking care of him. After the surgeries, something seemed to "break" with us. Affection is very difficult for me to show him, though I have no problem showing affection to my son, or even our pets. It's him that I want nothing to do with physically. Don't get the impression that it's all him, by any means. I am not perfect and would never marry me to begin with He could write a column twice the size of this one on horrible things about me, my own demons that contribute like a plague to this marriage.
Basically, I need some perspective. I want my marriage to work. We do have good times together, however - anymore - our good times only seem to occur over a drink. So there it is. Feels weird to let out all this personal dirty laundry, and the pangs of guilt are creeping up, but I need help, suggestions, perspective, advice, anything. Neither of us are bad people. Just two lost souls searching for happiness and fulfillment and coming up empty.
Working it through my head lately, I know I can't change anyone else. I can only improve myself and hope some pattern follows suit. Anyways, help please.
I have sought out a marriage forum to seek advice from others regarding my situation. I could use some advice on effectively communicating with my husband about his recent lack of providing for our family. Let me just sum up a few of the issues. For nearly a year, my husband has worked very minimally. He is on a contract position, has a masters degree in a physical science, and is currently employed as a sys admin (telecommute). As a contractor, he must seek projects to work on, as he is paid hourly. Right now, he is averaging $1600/month gross, even though he makes $45/hour. You can understand the math - he works about 36 hrs/month, or 9 hours a week. Taxes are not taken out, so what is deposited in the bank is gross not net (he has not done the proper paperwork, evidently), so we currently owe the IRS a significant amount of money. We are in a serious financial situation. I am salaried, and have been working a huge amount trying to get promotions and raises to help make ends meet. My dear husband simply has no energy to do the same. When I bring up the situation, or ask him to be a little bit more assertive in applying for better jobs, he defensively asks me what else I expect him to do, as he is doing everything he can to get more hours, and invariably adds that I should stop lecturing him. On a daily basis, I or my kids observe him playing video games, watching tv, and perusing the internet from morning till late, late night, with a bit of work strewn in between.
We have an 18 year old (my step-daughter by title only; I have raised her for 12 years and she is a legal dependent of mine and officially known as "my girl" <3) and a six-year old son.
We currently rent in a terrible neighborhood in a house that is in deplorable condition, despite our strong academic backgrounds (I work at a university now, however as those who have been young faculty know, the initial pay is quite small for many years). My husband has on his own accumulated over $100,000 in student loans (for a degree he did not complete to a level of his liking - he got a masters, not Ph.D. which is very likely part of his lack of motivation to work), over $12,000 in medical bills (we had to have both his hips replaced a few years ago), and nearly $10,000 to IRS. All loans are in default, as we spend all of our earnings on regular monthly bills. I have my own student loans that we applied for after becoming married, as for many years we had to pay his parents' rent and monthly bills. These are in my name of course (he had run out on being able to obtain a loan), so - as he is the first to remind me - I am ultimately responsible for these. I can't remember if I agreed to these or not at the time. I don't have that recollection, and our grad school years were so rough on both of us that many of those events - even our unlikely marriage - seem a blur. So, I hereby take that on and accept this $25,000 debt in my name. In any case, we stupidly chose to - on two grad student salaries mind you - make the fateful decision to fund his parents living arrangement for all those years.
My dear husband is morbidly obese, to which we both feel so helpless (he does not eat a whole lot, however he is exceedingly sedentary despite the new hips), often has body odor, and sweats profusely (he is usually soaking when we hug). He is on an antidepressant, which probably needs to be increased or switched. I need to take a stand for him and get him to a doctor (nearly 30% of my paycheck goes to our family benefit plan - thank the Good Lord we have access to medical benefits).
We had a nice bundle of savings there for awhile, but we blew it all this past year. My in-laws both suffered very bad medical problems consecutively (heart attack with subsequent bypass surgery and kidney failure). My MIL is still in nursing home. My husband essentially stopped working when this occurred (unbeknownst to me - he is telecommute so I foolishly did not notice he was not working). My husband has always wanted to take care of the family finances, and he was never very supportive of me getting involved. That was a source of many conflicts, and I - as usual - yielded to the conflict and left it alone. That is until a month ago, I figured we had a good portion of our nest egg ($10,000-ish), only to find out we had $1.46. Yep. That was what we had. I learned later that was after my FIL transferred $500 into our account. I was a fool to not be strong about being involved in the finances.
There are other matters for which I feel too weak to speak up about to him. He forbids the celebration of Christmas (my favorite holiday). Our kids have never celebrated, and I know my son wants to. He claims to be Jewish, but does nothing remotely Jewish other than forbid Christmas. Arrgh.
You see, I carry so much guilt for not being a good enough wife to keep my husband happy or to take care of him. Before and leading up to the hip replacements, I just gained so much from taking care of him. After the surgeries, something seemed to "break" with us. Affection is very difficult for me to show him, though I have no problem showing affection to my son, or even our pets. It's him that I want nothing to do with physically. Don't get the impression that it's all him, by any means. I am not perfect and would never marry me to begin with He could write a column twice the size of this one on horrible things about me, my own demons that contribute like a plague to this marriage.
Basically, I need some perspective. I want my marriage to work. We do have good times together, however - anymore - our good times only seem to occur over a drink. So there it is. Feels weird to let out all this personal dirty laundry, and the pangs of guilt are creeping up, but I need help, suggestions, perspective, advice, anything. Neither of us are bad people. Just two lost souls searching for happiness and fulfillment and coming up empty.
Working it through my head lately, I know I can't change anyone else. I can only improve myself and hope some pattern follows suit. Anyways, help please.