Re: Feeling alone, not "allowed" to talk to anyone...
Kismit, it sounds like the two of you are in a toxic relationship that is hurting both of you. One possibility for this occurring is that your H suffers from strong traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder) like my exW. This could explain three behaviors you have seen. The first is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle which you have seen. That cycle is one of the hallmarks of BPD. With a BPDer, a wonderful evening or great weekend usually is followed -- the very next day, if not that same evening -- by an argument he creates out of thin air. Although he does not consciously realize it, he creates the fight in order to get breathing space.
It is the result of a BPDer's twin fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because a BPDer has an unstable fragile self image, any time you draw close in intimacy (real intimacy, not just sex) he will experience engulfment. It is very frightening because he feels like he is being taken over by your strong personality -- like he is evaporating into thin air. He also will feel like you are controlling him. To get breathing room, he will push you away by starting a fight over nothing -- or by freezing you out.
Yet, as you back off to give him space, you will trigger his greatest fear, abandonment. So, after his tantrum dies down (they typically last about five hours), he may wait a few hours (or days or weeks) and will start reeling you back in by acting extra sweet and loving. Of course, as you draw close, the cycle starts all over again. For 15 years, I kept hunting for the "Goldilocks" position between "too close" and "too far" to avoid triggering both of those fears. I can tell you that, if that safe midpoint position exists at all, it is a knife edge that is continually shifting.
The second behavior that BPD may explain is your H's lack of trust in you when you are speaking with others. Because BPDers fear abandonment and generally cannot trust anyone, they easily become jealous of time a partner spends with his friends and family members. My exW, for example, rarely would visit my family and she hated my foster son. Another reason she tried to isolate me from friends and family was that she was very controlling and she found it easier to control me when I did not have positive input from others who love me. This is a common tactic of BPDers and may explain why your H is so insistent on your not speaking with anyone -- and why he hates to visit your family -- and why he will not speak to them.
A third thing that BPD may explain is your H's anger which is so easily triggered. One hallmark of BPD is tremendous anger carried inside from early childhood, at which time about 70% of BPDers were abused or abandoned (or had an emotionally unavailable parent). When a man suffers from strong BPD traits, that anger is easily triggered by innocent things you say or do. This would explain why you always feel you are "walking in a minefield." Having to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering the anger is another hallmark of BPD traits. Indeed, the best selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Note that, with BPD, the anger can be triggered in 15 seconds by an event (unlike bipolar disorder which is triggered by very slow changes in body chemistry). This is why the rages or the cold withdrawn silent treatment is said to be "event triggered."
Significantly, even if your H does exhibit these three behaviors -- the push-pull, jealousy, and event-triggered anger -- it does not prove that he has a strong pattern of BPD traits. Such a pattern requires that he have at least five of the nine BPD traits at a strong level. Hence, what I described above may not be applicable at all. Yet, if you believe that it seems to apply to your H and you would like to discuss it further, I ask that you please answer a few background questions:
Does your H have a serious issue in trusting people? Does he tend to do all-or-nothing (i.e., black-white) thinking, where he perceives people as all good or all bad? Does he exhibit a strong fear of both abandonment and engulfment? Was he abused or abandoned -- or raised by an emotionally unavailable mother -- during early childhood? Does he have difficulty controlling his emotions -- to the point that you rarely are able to have a calm rational discussion about any significant relationship issue? Is he very controlling with respect to all his loved ones? Does he have little control over his impulses, resulting in risky and impetuous behavior? When he gets angry, does he become verbally abusive in a tantrum or, alternatively, does he freeze you out by refusing to speak with you for hours or days? How long have you been in a relationship with him? Finally, does he think of himself as a victim, blaming you for every misfortune?