Depressed and Married - Help! - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-09-2008, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Depressed and Married - Help!

Hey all.

I've been battling a deep-seeded depression for about a year now. I wouldn't go so far as to say that my wife is the cause of it, but our marriage certainly is and I just need some outside thoughts and opinions on the matter.

I've been to counseling and on anti-depressants, but neither of these things seemed to work. This is what I am referring to when I say I believe my marriage is the cause of it. You see, it takes two to make a marriage, but only one to break it. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work, but my wife isn't. She refuses to change, learn, or grow up. And I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything I can think of for her to understand me, my feelings, and my needs within our marriage, but she just doesn't get it.

This is because of her trust issues and insecurities. She had a bad relationship in high school, and since then she just doesn't trust anyone. So whenever I try to talk to her about my needs, she takes it as me saying that she isn't good enough for me and that she's a horrible person.

Things weren't this bad when we were dating or during our engagement, but once we got married, she completely shut off. She tells me that I should love her for who she is and where she's at. And I do, don't get me wrong. But I just don't know how much longer I can go on with the constant lack of support, sincerity, or change.

I am male, 24, and have been married for less than 3 years. My wife is 23. We have no kids. We married young (22 and 20). I saw some of the issues my wife had before we were married, but I was so in love and afraid of losing her that I went ahead and married her anyways, reasoning that her immaturity and issues would lessen in time. Instead, they've only gotten worse.

So here I am. I have always been an advocate for marriage and swore to myself that I would never divorce. I would, no matter what it took, stand strong and work through whatever challenges would come my way. And I still feel this way. However, my wife does not. I don't know how to succeed in a marriage where half the team isn't fighting. I could do everything in the world to be a great husband, but if my wife doesn't work with me, it's all useless (not that I'm saying I'm a great husband at all. This is just a metaphor). I don't necessarily want a divorce, but I just don't know what else to do.

So here's where I am stuck. I am tired and weary from being in a marriage where I am so discontent. She does not support any of the things that makes me, me. The only things she supports me in are things that benefit her. IE me working (paycheck), cuddling (she's a big touch person), and rather unpassionate sex (only because she terribly wants a kid). Everything else (IE things that interest me, make me happy, etc) she will have nothing to do with. She does not support me in my hobbies or interests and has never done anything genuinely selfless, sincere, or heartfelt for me, and this is not an exaggeration. Her insecurities, selfishness, and various issues have always gotten in the way in one fashion or another.

I don't feel as if I can take her and her issues anymore, especially when she isn't willing to do anything about them. I guess I'm searching for help with how I can help her to seek help and betterment for herself, as well as how I can get out of my depression. However, at the first sign of any form of conflict whatsoever, she closes up and withdraws into herself.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling. I guess when it comes down to it, my question is how can we win in our marriage when I'm the only one fighting for it? I feel I have no strength left to fight and I don't feel like I can keep living in this lifeless and loveless marriage. Every part of me wants out just to give my heart, mind, and soul a break. My heart and soul are constantly torn because I cannot bring myself to a divorce due to my values, but there's no hope left for our marriage because my wife refuses to pull her weight. I am so numb and weary from this constant struggle that I can't cry even over this anymore. I am that drained from the epic hopelessness.

And, because of this, I know that I cannot think straight. I have just closed down. I used to be a smart, funny, energetic, social person, and now I am the exact opposite. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm looking for here. I would say I'm looking for help making a decision either way, but I've had plenty of chances to go through with a divorce before this and yet I'm still here. So I guess I'm looking for advice on how I can possible make this work. I am this close to just saying screw it and totally walling up my hurts, pains, unfulfilled needs, dreams, and desires and just going on as a hollowed out person, one who lives to cater to the every whim of my wife. I just don't know what else to do.

- Drifter

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-09-2008, 06:54 PM
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Re: Depressed and Married - Help!

I am going through something similar. i am 26 and my husband is 27. we've been together for three years, married for one. i completely lost myself in my relationship to him. i gave up everything. i was a very social, outgoing person. i became a recluse. I also feel my husband does very little to work on the relationship and that he is not at all interested in my things even though i've shown considerable interest in his.

its easy to want to run because you feel you'll be free from what's keeping you down. at least i felt like if i left then i could go back to the way i was. i wanted to be social again, happy, and enjoy life. but you have to ask yourself why you are not doing those things now?

the reason you are so tired and drained is because you are using all your energy in the wrong direction- on her. you cant change her. but that doesnt mean you cant be happy.

I dont know what it is that she's not doing, other then you feel she isnt supporting you in your interests. But i found when i started pursuing my own interests more my husband started to realize that if he didnt join in then he wasnt going to be part of my life.

I have worked very hard at establishing boundaries in my marriage so i know what is my responsibility and what is my husbands. I did different workbooks and self help books. i think you should try these things before you give up. I am not completely happy with my marriage but things are getting better and im redefining what it means to love myself and my husband.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-10-2008, 01:48 PM
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Re: Depressed and Married - Help!


You would be surprised what can happen when you get so close to the point of leaving that you tell the other partner, that you are wondering about divorce.

If after mentioning that, you get no positive response, then you must make good on your threat and leave.

Do not whatever you do get her pregnant. A baby made through less than passionate sex is probably going to be born into a very unhappy home.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-26-2008, 01:26 AM
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Re: Depressed and Married - Help!

I agree with Mark. Dont let her talk you into a kid. You and her have to be solid. Once the baby comes, that is a whole new ball game.

Good Luck
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-26-2008, 07:43 AM
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Re: Depressed and Married - Help!

First don't have a child with her. Not only will it make you marriage even worse, but divorse or not you will be stuck with her for the rest of your life. Imagine if she treats you this bad how she will treat your child?

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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-26-2008, 09:20 AM
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Re: Depressed and Married - Help!

Originally Posted by drifter17 View Post
And, because of this, I know that I cannot think straight. I have just closed down. I used to be a smart, funny, energetic, social person, and now I am the exact opposite. I don't know what to do.
Shutting down is the worst thing you can do. For a marriage to improve you need to show confidence and that you have your head on straight.

Good advice above. Do not have a child at this stage of your marriage. If she truly wants children you need to have a heart to heart and discuss your concerns about the marriage and tell her if you can’t improve as a couple then you should not have children. Seek counsel as a couple to improve. You never stated if she loves you. Does she? Also is she as selfish with others as she is with you?


Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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