Re: Body snatchers stole my wife
I had a similar situation with my husband. He didn't have PPPD but I was always bringing up the past, like when:
1. i was an hour behind him driving and he decided not to come and pick me up though although my car broke down on the side of a freeway (in the mountains with no cell reception) and i had to flag with my two kids to the next town, crying and sad, he told me he to get a flight home, call my mother who had to take a day off work to come to my rescue the next day, take me to the airport and fly me home instead. we ate mcdonalds and dairy queen, had no socks or stroller for the kids. crappy hotel.
2. when we were on our honey moon (we decided not to have sex till married), he wouldn't even look at me because i was probably fertile and didn't want to conceive, then when we straightened out our NFP records, realized about 3 weeks after getting married, we would have sex, he came home, ignored me and went to his computer to work. which brings me to number 3.
3. works to frigin much. had a dream the other night that sums up how i feel about his affair with work: me him and a woman were standing together. he talks to her (as an employee of his company) to go to a conference in new york. she says no, she can't because she has two other commitments... being she has a dance lesson that weekend and tickets to her favorite theater production. he says... I know! I bought you a private dance lesson for the both of us, tickets to the real (bigger) theater production in new york, and a private fine dining experience. Wish he would think of me romantically, when we were dating was I fooled?
4. when he would go away on work trips to the mountains and leave me at home with the kids.
5. only having one car when i had two kids at the time. he had the car on his own schedule and i had it during the less desirable times of the day.
Finally, I just started bossing him around until he just frigin conformed. We have a really good marriage, but these things are examples of memories and hurts we gain along the way. i still bring these up but they are really deep hurts. i know he was getting annoyed because he said he has apologized over and over for these things. i think the husband needs to continually apologize. i know many people will hate me saying this, but when he does something that is in the same vain of those events, i feel hurt. I don't lash out, i just ask "what were you thinking", but that's still enough to make him mad. i am always searching for him to show me i can trust him. i am not the type of person who can jsut forgive and then trust. i have to see him making good decisions for a while.
i am always redefining to my husband what i need, what a marriage needs, what our kids need, and whatever else. and right now, i have defined that instead of just 'talking' every night as a stipulation, that he ask me a few questions in specific:
1. do you feel close to me?
2. what can i do to make you have a great day?
3. ask questions related to the answers you get from the previous two questions.
number one, i think this is a great way to bring up life stuff in a non stressed sort of way. this way, you can ask when you are happy, sad, bitter, stressed, any time. it's a great question.
last night i answered: well, i am smiling at your jokes and i feel like you are being genuine, but i don't feel really close to you, i feel pretty good though, especially since you asked me that question! Thanks honey. (followed by kisses and hugs) this answer was good for him because though he saw me smiling and laughing, he could hear that it wasn't necessarily all that was going on with me.
another thing i have come across since going through birth with four kids is: sex is very difficult to maintain in the first year of the baby being born. i remember my husband getting really serious with me about him not having sex. he was so desperate even though i was having sex on average 2-4 weeks. my body had changed, the baby had so many needs, sleep was unpredictable, the whole house hold was high stress for me, double the amount of laundry each time a new child came, trying to get people fed and me showered was sooooo hard, i felt like i was on the verge of crying for 8 years. then, my husband would tell me he's sexually frustrated! oooooooh.
i love pleasing my husband, and now we have sex 2-4 times a week and our last baby is 18 months old. some weeks when i am having my period, we don't do it at all, but he knows it will pick up in a few days. but back then... it was so hard to explain how split my brain was. i wanted to be a goddess, have my husband understand: i am woman with baby, provide me with good nourishing food, provide me with a safe home, provide me with warm clothes for my baby, the best milk, the best cushiest bed, a serviced bath time, a foot massage at any moment and just to beam at the miracle of life I am working so hard to take care of. Ha ha! I don't know if other women feel like this, but I think we all have to search our real expectations, what are we really thinking? In my mind when my husband came to me for his needs, all i could think was: (in light of how i think a woman with a baby should be treated) i haven't showered in three days and I am desperate in many ways myself. and besides, remember when you pissed me off 5 years ago?
well, anyway, persevere with your wife. she is having a hard time too. is there anything wrong with viewing her as a hurt soul and proving your love? i know you don't want to have a future of her bringing things up constantly, but i doubt she does either. she's trying to figure out how to deal with these things like I am still.
from my experience, time and perceverence has really moved our relationship forward. when my hubby stopped being so defensive and would just admit those things were stupid and he would take them back in instant. as soon as i hear him getting defensive, i know i have to bring it up another different day, hoping he will understand my hurt and just apologize and admit it was stupid.
on a great day, he will say: i know that sucked for you and i was a young, complete dumbass who won't ever do that again. i feel so much better and i can ignore it for another 6 months. the more he affirms me, the more i forget about the issue and i feel healed.
i don't know how else to get through these hurts, and frankly it works for me. perhaps other men or women think i am being too hard on him, but if it works and seems to cover the basics of relationships: love and trust, than why not?