marriage problems after 28 years.
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 01-27-2011, 03:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default marriage problems after 28 years.

My husband and I have had our usual ups and downs over the years but in the past year things have gone down hill fast. In the early part of last year my husband started to get very friendly with a woman he worked. I had no problems with this at first but they they started to exercise together on a regular basis during thir lunch hour. Then they started to have very personnel talks about various womens problems. As I was having heavy periods they discussed this as it turns out she was having similar issues. My husband did come home and tell me what he had been discussing to his credit. Evetually he was comming home every evening talking about this woman at work so I asked him not to mention her anymore. Then his work place organised a charity event so they had to do a lot of organising and practising for the different parts of the event. I went along to the first session to take some photographs and then continued doing so each week. I thought I was supporting my husband no other wives went along at any time. During this time this woman was also heavily involved in this charity event but would never speak to me while I was there. After the charity event when cheques were being presented I was never invited along the man who drove the mini bus was though. After this event my husband still continued to exercise with this woman others were invited but rarely went along. During last year this close and very personnel relatiship my husband was having with this woman was making me feel more and more insecure. When I spoke to my husband about it he just said there is nothing going on and he loves me. But I just kept feeling more and more insecure. It also transpiers that her relationship was falling apart and she was talking to my husband for advice and wanted a shoulder to cry on. Her relationship eventually fell apart and she told my husband how wonderful and liberated she now felt. Then just before Xmas we had a big row after I checked his phone to see if he had contacted this woman. Things then went quiet and we had a wonderful Xmas with family. But New years day I accussed him of having breakfast with this woman (I was out at work that morning) and not wanting me. I then said the most awful thing I could have I said you do not want to be with me anymore do you? his answer was No and I should have told you before Xmas. Well to say I felt crushed was an understatement. I then tried repeatedly to resolve this situation. I moved out for a few days to give him some space, then when I came back I stayed in another bedroom. We spoke only occassionly but never shouted. I tried to get him to give me another chance but he then came out with the statment I have never trusted him and I will never change so he does not want to waste anymore time on me. I asked about going to relate but got no response. I have realised now I was feeling insecure and he fuelled my insecurities by carrying on having this very personnel relationship so I guess he is to blame as well. He is now going out during the week with his work friends for meals and drinks and comming home in the early hours. I felt so low the other day I went to the doctors and it turns out I have depression and have probably had it for some time. But the depression the doctor thinks started to come out in the early part of last year when my husband first started getting friendly with this woman at work. Then slowly the depression has grown and grown then on New Years Day I just lost the plot and hit rock bottom. I have told my husband about the depression the reply I got was if you want me to take you anywhere just ask. He cannot seem to realise the depression was caused by me feeling insecure and him continuing his relationship with this woman. I have never in my life needed the support and love of my husband to help me through this and he is not here for me. I cannot understand why he wont go to relate or let us try to resolve this. I feel very angry that he just wants to throw all our time together away 28years. I have apologised for my behaviour last year and I realise now that there was nothing going on sexually they were just very good friends. But how do we try to sort this out? He has now said he is going to find somewhere else to live but he will carry on paying the mortgage and make sure I dont want for anything. But at this time all I want is his arms around me. Please help
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Old 01-27-2011, 11:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: marriage problems after 28 years.

I'm sorry! I don't feel qualified to offer you advice on this- my marriage is quite young and on shaky ground as it is. But I can offer some support.
I would feel the same way you did. So don't feel like you were out of line or to blame . The way you described it, it seems you handled the situation very well- I'm not sure I would have. "Platonic" relationships between men and women are a touchy thing... I believe there is no such thing for a guy. I feel it is too ingrained in our genes to take certain advantages if they present themselves. We usually won't admit it, and even convince ourselves the chemicals don't exist in our brains. But they are there- some are better at keeping them in check than others. Could your H be having a midlife crisis?
When I was younger, I had a boss who was having a midlife. He would regularly accompany us MUCH younger group of guys to the bars and carry on like he was 22. He was very charismatic and fun. He was the type that could get groups of girls our age to come sit at our table at restaurants and relished in the fact that he could. In retrospect, he was very much like a used car salesman or politician. He had money and would buy drinks and food for the whole group almost nightly. He also developed a relationship with a girl in the office that was way younger than he and separated from his wife of XX years. At first their relationship was platonic, but in no time, the truth was all over the office. I was too young to realize what a jackass he really was and what he was doing to his family. I was just happy getting buzzed on his dime.

I'm fairly certain from what you described, both your H and the woman had an agenda all along- You bet, he is to blame! Don't fault yourself for acknowledging it.
I sincerely hope you can come to terms with it and move on... Don't leave the door open for him!
I can only imagine how bad it hurts... : (

Last edited by bingofuel; 01-28-2011 at 01:01 AM.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: marriage problems after 28 years.

Thanks for the reply bingofuel. Everone I know thinks my husband is crazy and having a midlife crisis. He is in a very well paid job and yes he would pay for an evenings entertainment. He is also very respected by those around him. He is as you say very charasmatic utterly charming to women the perfect gent opening doors and the good all roundsports person. He is the life and soul of any party and puts in every ounce of effort into whatever he is doing. I know during the last few weeks he has been out many times with work friends for meals drinks and seeing live bands. obviously no one in his workplace has heard my side of the story so they will have full sympathy for him.
But hey eventually I will be able to move on ......it might take time and a lot of courage. But I will keep telling myself I deserve better.
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Old 01-28-2011, 07:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: marriage problems after 28 years.

Good for you, skinny!
I wish I had some useful advice to share with you..
Old guys cant keep up that kind of lifestyle forever- egad, I'm 36 and I'm sure I could not!
I'd bet money that after the novelty of this new and exciting "life" he has created wears off, he will miss what he has left behind and will come knocking. It will be up to you whether or not to take him back.

P.S. My boss got exactly what was coming to him. No lie! After partying one night, he ran his car into some things. I wasn't out with them that night, but he wasn't at work the next day. He was arrested and spent the night in the tank, dui all that fun stuff. after that, it was almost sad to see his new life take such a header. Denise (the girl) had to give him rides everywhere, and he started flaking off at work. Something also happened, I'm not sure what, but Denise left him. It was also around that time he was served papers. For months he was barely ever at work, and he eventually got fired for it. Even bosses have bosses. I'm not sure what happened to him after that, but I can safely say it wasn't a glamorous party!

Things always tend to come full circle at some point- His house of cards will fall- sooner or later. Take solace in that fact and spend some time and energy on YOU for a change! You may find in time, that you don't even need him at all.

Best of luck to you, lady!

Last edited by bingofuel; 01-28-2011 at 08:18 PM.
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: marriage problems after 28 years.

Thanks bingofuel. I have been trying to spend some time on myself and over the next few days will go and buy some new clothes. After all the problems I have lost loads of weight so maybe a new found confidence can be had.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Skinny
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