I need to make the best decision here... - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-09-2014, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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I need to make the best decision here...

Hello, thanks in advance for any wisdom and healthy advice.
Two nights ago my good friend's husband pushed me very hard out their front door! (they married @5-6 mo.ago)
Why? Im not sure, but he was arguing w/ my friend (his wife)
Literally I had just walked in a few seconds before he pushed me because i took her daughter w/ mine to the Mall and a sleepover. On way back we stop by to get her p.j's. I told the I'd wait in car and to be quick, time was @9:45pm. Well, i waited 5, 10, then 15min go by so I'm like what are they doing in there! I walk in, i see no one. I called their names twice and realize i hear LOUD arguing /cussing and the girls are standing at their bedroom door at top of stairs. I then said, " lets go girls!" My friends daughter said "I want to say goodnight to my ma". I said we'll call and said lets GO GIRLS NOW! (it kept getting louder in bedroom, i wanted kids out of that F up environment asap!) So they get downstairs and out door into my car. So I'm still at front door and say "Hey you guys!" "The girls have been in here hearing yall"! Well, the husband fly's out door & storms down fast like he's after ME! He's yelling and face all red, blood vessels on neck and eyes looked mad!
Calling me a *****, screaming how they never can argue cause kids always around & for me to shut my mouth! He's literally IN MY FACE & says "Get tha F outta my house"! Yelling it over and over again. I said, "what'd i do?" " Why are you screaming at me?" He's still saying "Get F out...he puts both hands on my shoulders to twist me around, pushes me toward door & he opens screen door and shoves me out, hard and it's a step down & I nearly lost my balance and almost went down the others. Both girls were teared up big time. I'm just in shock and get in car& drive home. I assured them all was ok w/me. I was extremely embarrassed that my daughter saw that! For me and my house, that doesn't fly. The KIDS emotional well being?!!!!! There was also her 16yr son at home in his room during all that. He wanted stay so he could "protect his Mom". Wow. Husband is big strong guy. Sorry this is so long! Its 7pm, 3rd day after. NO APOLOGY, nothing. I always got along well w/him too. What to do? Daughter is scared now of him, etc.... I am a GOOD friend to them, I've been there when ever needed me. I'm so hurt. Is it me? Maybe its no biggie? But i know better! (also, i heard@ temper but never this bad)!

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-09-2014, 06:56 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

If a grown man screams in my face and puts his hands on me and pushes me, I'm calling the police. Period.

I understand they are your friends but it really doesn't matter.

You know it was violent and wrong and you need to make a report. Remember that you're teaching your daughter what happens when a man puts their hands on a woman.

It really sounds like he needs some therapy for his anger, etc.

Ultimately, you need to do the right thing and making a report is the right thing to do for you, your daughter and his kids.

I don't know if you have a male partner...but I can tell you that if a man did that to me...my partner would have taken care of it for me. What happened is not ok...and you already know that. That your friend didn't call you is disturbing but you need to call the police.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-09-2014, 06:57 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

Ok..

You got the kids out of there. You should never have shouted up at them. You should have gotten the kids out of there. Then called the police to report a domestic dispute.

Never, ever interfere with a domestic dispute like that. Even police officers hate to deal with them because they are probably the most volatile.

So you did yell up at them and he came down the stairs and assaulted you... it's called assault and battery and is a crime. You should have then removed yourself and the children from the area and called the police.

It's 3 days later. You can still file criminal charges against him.

Is the girl still with you?
Have you check in on the wife?

If you have not taken their daughter home yet, call the police and tell them that you are afraid to return the daughter to their home. You witnessed (verbally) a horrible fight. The husband assaulted and battered you. You do not feel it's safe to return the child to the home.

If the girl is already back home. You can still call the police, or go to the police station, to file assault/batter charges.

You can call the police to do a wellness check on the girl and her mother. And tell the police what happened to you and what you witnessed.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2014, 03:25 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

Elegirl is right on all accounts. Getting the girls out of there so as to not have to witness that was best, but calling back up to them was not a good idea. After all, they knew the girls would be with you and your calling them out on their behavior was inappropriate.

HOWEVER - what he did was over the line. Has your friend ever had unexplained bruising? Ever complained about his temper. Ever cowered or jumped at normal gestures? Please ask her if he has ever hit her. I never told anyone until my SIL asked.

He was rough with you and verbally abusive - can you imagine what he must do and say to HER? And their SON and DAUGHTER hears this?

Please check on them via the police. Even if you don't want to file a report, please have them check and tell the police what happened. For too many years I never reported a thing. I'm so glad they believed me when I asked for an RO without any history of calling the police. Heck, I was afraid of what would happen if I DARED to call the police. And I was embarrassed about what was happening in my house.

At the very least have them check on the welfare of the child and please ask your friend and be there for her.

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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2014, 03:46 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

What Elegirl said. I'm surprised/disappointed that after all that, your concern seems to be getting an apology. Not getting help for the girl or her mom.

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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2014, 04:24 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

How about the 16 y.o. son?
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-19-2014, 12:00 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

OMG! I got to the part of him pushing you out the door and I stopped. if he had done that to me, i would have reached up...

I can't write it. I'll get in trouble. Hmmmm, I would have defended myself. Can I say that? Ok, I'll go read the rest now.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-19-2014, 12:11 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

K, we need the rest of the story. All the questions that were asked need to be answered. Otherwise, I can't give any advice.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

Let's look at this without the estrogen. One, you were in his home, uninvited. Neither he or his wife had invited you into their home, read your message. I'm not sure if the two girls were his daughters, or one was yours. If one was yours, then you should have knocked on the door, or rang the door bell. Then you should have asked either your friend or him if you could collect your daughter. If they were both your friend and her husband's daughters, you had no right taking them, unless you had proof that they were permitted to stay the night at your house. Everything else that you wrote means nothing. You could have called the police, if you really think that he was about to hurt her, but your statement really doesn't lend credence to that. He could have had you arrested for kidnapping. He would have told the police that he rescinded permission for his daughter to stay with you. Yes, family services could have gotten involved, but police know that the wife would have stood by her husband and in the end it would have been you in court trying to proof that you are not a kidnapper. If you came to my house and just walked in, and I believe acted as though you owned the place, I would have set you outside in the same manner and perhaps had called the police myself. Our house belongs to my wife and I. I might raise my voice and shout, but I have never ever attacked, hit, or any way injured my wife. I have protected her and my family from an armed intruder and would do so again. I think you know you were in the wrong and want people here to side with you. The guy could still have you arrested. Forget the apology.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

What Douglas posted up there is pure bs.

Your friend, his wife hasn't called because she's embarrassed that you got to see what's going on in her home. Her husband hasn't called because you're now the enemy. You now know that he's abusive and there's a possibility you will spill the beans on him to other friends or the police. True, forget the apology.

What's more important is that your friend and your daughter's friend lives in an abusive home. You should call your friend and like others have said report the incident to the police. Do not let your friend know you're doing this, she will discourage you. Your friend and her husband need help. If he treated you that way, he is treating her worse. If he put his hands on you, there's a strong likelihood he is hitting her too. Share information with her on abused spouses and avenues for help.

Please don't ignore the seriousness of this situation. I grew up in an abused home and wished others had made more of an effort to help. I could understand that it was difficult to help my mom but more could've been done to help us kids.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

What the guy did was bad, but I don't think that it was a good thing for the OP to go into the house while not asking if it's ok or being let it. You don't just walk into someone's house. If they're going through something behind closed doors, that's none of your damn business. You're lucky the guy didn't have you arrested for trespassing because he certainly could have.

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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Ok..

You got the kids out of there. You should never have shouted up at them. You should have gotten the kids out of there. Then called the police to report a domestic dispute.

Never, ever interfere with a domestic dispute like that. Even police officers hate to deal with them because they are probably the most volatile.

So you did yell up at them and he came down the stairs and assaulted you... it's called assault and battery and is a crime. You should have then removed yourself and the children from the area and called the police.

It's 3 days later. You can still file criminal charges against him.

Is the girl still with you?
Have you check in on the wife?

If you have not taken their daughter home yet, call the police and tell them that you are afraid to return the daughter to their home. You witnessed (verbally) a horrible fight. The husband assaulted and battered you. You do not feel it's safe to return the child to the home.

If the girl is already back home. You can still call the police, or go to the police station, to file assault/batter charges.

You can call the police to do a wellness check on the girl and her mother. And tell the police what happened to you and what you witnessed.
Excellent advise.

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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by douglas lappe View Post
Let's look at this without the estrogen. One, you were in his home, uninvited. Neither he or his wife had invited you into their home, read your message. I'm not sure if the two girls were his daughters, or one was yours. If one was yours, then you should have knocked on the door, or rang the door bell. Then you should have asked either your friend or him if you could collect your daughter. If they were both your friend and her husband's daughters, you had no right taking them, unless you had proof that they were permitted to stay the night at your house. Everything else that you wrote means nothing. You could have called the police, if you really think that he was about to hurt her, but your statement really doesn't lend credence to that. He could have had you arrested for kidnapping. He would have told the police that he rescinded permission for his daughter to stay with you. Yes, family services could have gotten involved, but police know that the wife would have stood by her husband and in the end it would have been you in court trying to proof that you are not a kidnapper. If you came to my house and just walked in, and I believe acted as though you owned the place, I would have set you outside in the same manner and perhaps had called the police myself. Our house belongs to my wife and I. I might raise my voice and shout, but I have never ever attacked, hit, or any way injured my wife. I have protected her and my family from an armed intruder and would do so again. I think you know you were in the wrong and want people here to side with you. The guy could still have you arrested. Forget the apology.
I agree, you don't just go into someone's house uninvited.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 05:07 AM
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Re: I need to make the best decision here...

My question is how did your husband react when you told him this? Or are you not married? I would have flipped out if my wife or daughter told me some man put hands on them in anger. Walking into the house uninvited is wrong for sure, but the guy knew who you were and why you were there, he escalated things way beyond normal.

If it was as bad and frightening as you say why didn't you call the police? That part I don't get.
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