Re: Clinical Depression Ruined My Marriage... Help!
My husband has recently been diagnosd with Clinical Depression and SEVERE anxiety disorder. He thought I was trying to kill/poison him. I don't condone your wife having an "emotional" affair, and I didn't, however I can't tell you how alone it feels to be the spouse, taking the hits, one after another,while carrying the load, and everyone in the family and work thinks we are fine, in my case for years not knowing what the real cause was. Just funks and defensiveness and no empathy to verbal aggression. There is a lot to consider and I'm going through a similar situation right now. I want to keep my family together but am I prepared if things go "south"? He's already consulted with an attorney because he can't take "me" anymore, only to regret next day. Do you have any idea of what you said or did during your worst? My husband usually doesn't remember when he's lucid, like screaming at me at 5:30 Easter morning, for not running him to the ER yet again for burning in his hands and body flushing, then withdrawing the rest of the day, even on Ativan as a supplement to other meds. Who was left to ease it over with our child? Me... Can I handle another verbal shot and accusation? I attended therapy with my spouse and found out he is focusing on his perception of my constant controlling him, still, even on meds, but yet calls me to ask what to do if an office store is out of a printer cartridge. My husband is a highly educated, high positioned/degreed person, I wish I knew if anyone in the office knew. Supposedly I am the sole cause of his anxiety because he is fine everywhere else. Everything is my fault. Money has always been an issue in our household because my spouse has lived for retirement security since his 20s, and there is still a looong way to go, but that has been number one over me. A lot of hurt without specific details, and I justified the hurt by considering the way he was raised. I can't count the number of times I said I'm not our mother but your lover and spouse. I still love my husband and want to keep the family intact and if it takes your wife a period of time away to regroup and make sure your marriage is what she wants, then you really need to allow her to do it, whether at this point it's to validate herself as a viable woman who can feel good about herself or just time to pamper herself (again, I am not agreeing it's ok to have an affair, that's a deal breaker but maybe she just needs someone to make her feel attractive and special). I know I am fried and if I didn't have a child I too would be taking a long break. Right now, I long for a re-do of all the vacations that I had no input and when I tried to suggest something I wanted/needed only meaness, demanding or insults followed, until we got home and then profuse apologies because he really doesn't want me unhappy, it's the illness, the lost years of pushing and yearning to go out on a Saturday nights while my husband stared blankly into TV, pushing him to respond to invitations for anything only to have them ignored, and more of the similar... suggesting get togethers with his friends only to have him never follow up and cancel trips I did plan, romantic get aways.. Our counselor recently asked what we wanted out of our marriage and personally, I realized I have no more dreams except to see my child succeed in life, my goals and the time and energy to accomplish them has passed and I've been so wrapped up in my spouse's needs I haven't even thought about it. My husband's goal even on meds and seeing a psychiatrist? For me to make more money so he can travel with me in retirement..15 years from now...my therapy appointments are now about rebuilding my dreams and honestly, the saying, if you let them go and they come back it it's love (paraphrasing here) or if you let them go and they don't come back that's the way it's meant to be? Well, that's how I think you should feel about your wife. She needs time, I need time. If I get that time and my husband and I start "dating" again and I see the old spark of what attracted me and we can get past the hurt, and he continues treatment, then yes we have a chance, if not, we are both better off. Neediness is not an excuse for a marriage, no matter how much you love that person. The hurt is like a cut knuckle, it starts to heal but the least little bend or hit makes it bleed again, it needs time, we need time. Honestly, this time isn't about the patient or illness, it's about the caregivers..any other job gives you a vacation, except the spouse of someone who is ill.