Take it away people

Confused guy · 03-08-2011, 12:49 PM

Hello All

I am the rookie. new guy on here .. and i see lot of great advise and conversation and I couldnt help but jump in.. here is my problem.. I got married young..22 and only reason wa snot love.. I liked her but there were more overpowering reasons that made me take the leap..I know thats my first mistake.. its been few years now and i am in my mid to late 20s, learend a lot about marriage , commitment,, physcial attraction etc etc. and i just cant get my self to commit to this marriage... she is amazing girl. she is nice, understanding. but i keep finding myself getting sruck in a shallow man's mind where I feel like chasing the hotties out there, having a dating scene. yes i am no tom cruise .. i get it.. but a man can wish and I cant help but gravitate towards girly girls., body, make up, fashion the whole thing.. but what i have with my wife today is common goals and mental compatibality... which i am not is worth risking.. I keep getting the desire to cheat jus to get that wild animal out of me... is this physcial attarcttin thing is gonan go away as i get older? .. how should i be thinking about this ? ..I hope some of you out there have the time to help me ..n i appreciate it very much

unbelievable · 03-08-2011, 01:37 PM

When I was your age, I felt more drawn by physical attraction than I do now. I haven't gone blind but I grown to separate things which are important and beneficial from those which are trivial and harmful. If a woman's greatest asset is her appearance, she is on dangerous ground. Appearance can change in an instant. Appearance will change over time. Fashion is largely a matter of finances and one's financial situation can change, too. Looks and clothes aren't nearly as important in the long run as character. You won't always be a horn dog. A mortgage, some kids, a stack of bills, etc will change your priorities. You will appreciate a partner who has a brain, some loyalty, honesty, etc. Lots of hotties in this world. Divorce courts and bars are full of them.

Confusedanddazed · 03-08-2011, 02:04 PM

It seems that you are falling more in love with her as time has passed. You say you were not in love when you got married but now you describe her as amazing. That is very cool. Mental compatibility and comman goals are something many of wish we had with you partner.

First off, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for having the desire to have an affair or the urge to be single a free to chase "Hotties".

If you fight that it will just give it more power over you. What you resist persists.

This what you feel. Accept it and don't judge it.

If you get over that hurtle then maybe you can some self reflection on what might be the cause.

Confused guy · 03-08-2011, 02:32 PM

Thanks so much for the advice.. and yes you are absoloulty right and I feel the samw ay which is why I am in this confused state of mind. I am no pschologist but i know the reasons behind this feeling.. i had rugh childghood. then was paying thru college always had to act responsible and then boom. i was faced with either do this or go back to wheei cam from and all my hardwork down the drain.. NO I did not only marry her to be abel to stay... i liked her and i hoped that it will turn into love... so i just skiped the whole.. "young youthfull " behavior where u get to test the waters , make a few mistakes and explre exaclty what it is thats imp to me.. and today i am an adutl for the most part.. job, full time life.. and I see things..around me the glamour, the attraction etc tec and I know they wont always be the same but my confusion is that do i shut up and try ton work on my marriage and these things wil go away eventually? or if i do that i am just surrendering..and giving up a potential happiness.. that might await.. again i know i sound like a doosh here but i hope u can understand i am being honest...

unbelievable · 03-08-2011, 03:09 PM

Do not focus on cheap stuff you don't have. Focus on the valuable things you do have. Honestly, it's just that simple. I'm not Don Juan, but I've been around. Having deep, loving sex with one partner beats having cheap sex with 100. If you indulged your urges and had sex with 1000, you'd find that when the clothes come off, a vagina would be on one side and a butt on the other (the exact same layout as your wife). North of the vagina, you should find a couple of breasts. There are no shocking surprises to be discovered and there's nothing that you could do with any of those "hotties" that you couldn't have better with your wife.

openheart · 03-08-2011, 10:33 PM

Totally agree with the above post. You will find nothing fulfilling by sleeping around. You will ultimately regret it. Embrace what you have with your wife and if you starve yourself of other women and thoughts (i.e. don't look at and lust for other women), your wife will grow to be super attractive.

unbelievable · 03-09-2011, 12:03 AM

The mind is a powerful thing. You can "think" yourself into or out of love. You can believe yourself into sickness or wellness. Point is, love and lust aren't emotions that just happen to us as we passively wait. We choose how we think. Your wife can be the sexiest woman on earth or a hideous warthog and you are the one who determines which she will be (in your mind).
Neither people nor things can make you content. That's just a choice we all make.

Confused guy · 03-09-2011, 07:57 AM

Thank you.. you people are really helping and I appreciate it very much.. you know i completelty get the concept of grass is almost never greener and one should embrace what they have...and yes i does make sense...and forgiveme for being stupid or naive but what if it doesnt change....? its sex right now cos i am young and thus a hordog but then what if as i grow older n then there is something else that i desire or lust.? at this point i am even questining ther fact if i am someone who was ever made for marriage or commitment.. i am not a bad person but what bothers me most here is that what if i never get rid of these feelings n soehow some way in 10 15 yrs.. i end up reaching my boiling point... where i break and let her go.. at that point i would watsed all these years of her life where she could have been happy with a man who loved her deeply..the fault here that she grew in this perfect worls where all thigns r rosey... i have given her plenty of reason to know that i am doubtfull and having thoughts.. i mean if it was the other way or any other mainstream girl.. would be like... "if you dont think u luv me then figure it out and make a desicion. and till then we can saparte.." but my wife refuses to acknowledge that and continues to try the best hse can to maike me happy n satosfied in all way... TRUST ME PEOPLE I UNDERSTAND HOW LUCKY I AM... but as you said human mind is crazy... I dint ask for these thoughts and obviously i am stupid enough to act on them but they r there.. and i am scared ****less that if tommorow they become even worse.. and i end up ruining her life... then i d rather cut the chord now.. how many of us have met a woman who says " oh yea i was married for 20-30 yrs.. then he replaced me with a younger model" .. yes this is horrible on guys part but if i am heading that way.. then i better give her the chance to get the happines she deserves... but ofcourse she only wants me in this world... but then again all wives think the world of their husbands, till they r left, then they grief .. then most times come out saying oh i am glad he did that.... i am sorry to sound so naive and confused but i cant thank you enough fo listening and then talking to me about it

Confused guy · 03-09-2011, 07:59 AM

The other thing I have been thinking is somehow to find a way to see those charatersitics in my wife that i so desire in other women.... the style, the attitude, the need to be desired by others etc tec.... she has been a plain jane for ther most part due to her parents..... any ladies out there could help me figure than on out?