Depressed hubby leaves - round 4
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 03-20-2011, 11:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

Hi all...

I need help, encouragement, and a path. Some of what I need I have, (help from friends, encouragement from family) sadly lacking the path part!

Here is my story:

I am married to a man that has suffered from cyclical depression for most if not all of his adult life. He was able to keep it at bay by always changing his scenery or his job. I didn't notice that much as I was in love and along for an adventure. But then we had a child. And my love for change morphed into love for stability for my son. Since remaining in the same place for nearly 10 years, my husband has left me 4 times. Always depressed, always hurtful, always forgetting what we had or what we share. Life is colored by his emotions, so when he is depressed he can't recall a happy thought.

Hubby self medicates with Pot and Beer, and has moved out of the house for the 4th time.

The first time, he left for a two weeks, during a very stressful time in all our lives (my Mom was dying a very painful lingering death). The second time was just after a trip we had planned on taking and enjoyed. He moved downstairs and we tried to not cross each other, but eventually my desire to have him back, got thru. The third time he hinted that he had a "big decision" to make, knowing the signs of his depression, I told him to leave. He moved out for 6 months when our child was 5, when he did come back, it was for "good".

Flash forward a month ago... his depression hits, he loses his job, couldn't find another job for a couple of weeks, then returned to a job he had from before (one I like, but one he felt he wasn't appreciated in). Then he has to put our Dog down. Within a week, he was stone faced and leaving.. I told him if he felt like that then he should leave. And that if he needed space, then he could have it, but if he wished to return to the home, he would have to visit a doctor and abide by their recommendation for 3 months.

He has now been out of the house for a month. Our communication is very plain, written with no emotion on both our parts. I have been very plain that I don't want to see him, and that whenever possible we can arrange to not see one another. Unfortunately, my son's hockey year end is going on. Playoffs etc all weekend.

I have taken the last month to work on my issues, my weight, my focus, my procastination, and making myself feel better by taking extra steps to be better. I did not fall into the old habit of begging him to come home and it seems to have caused more anger.

Not sure what to do.. Feel like his is heading out of this marriage, and not sure that this isn't for the best but, am terrified about it. I love him, and I believe he loves me. He continues to leave himself with a foot in the door by his own actions... it is hard and confusing.

Any words of wisdom?
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

I don't care if he has depression or if his ass is on fire and he needs to put it out. He should not get to exit the marriage. Either he is in or out.

He has shown you that when things get tough he is out, and has shown you that you can't count on him.

No matter what is happening, death of a loved one, war, famine etc you marry someone so you have someone with you on your side, to ride things out with you and work through it together.
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

Thanks Syrum,

Hard to hear but it makes sense, last night a transformer blew up in my back yard, we had police, firefighters and Energy guys there till 5 am this morning.

All I could think about was how he did not even care.. and he wasn't there.

I am not a Drama Queen, I handle everything normally on my own, but it hit me last night.. I am on my own again.

Now working on two hours of sleep and a chilly night, I just feel empty.
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts - Joseph M. Carver, PhD

I believe my H is depressed as well, but this is the first time it's really affected his commitment to our marriage. I found this link to be spot on. But I don't know how to get him to acknowledge the fact that the depression is making him feel hopeless and bringing out all the negative thoughts. I don't think he'd see the parallels if he read this, but his words are even here in this article. It's so hard to help someone that doesn't want help.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

Can you change your frame of reference and consider that you are allowing a man who refuses to seek treatment of a treatable mental illness to decide whether or not to continue the relationship. He has disrupted your life and your child's life for many years because you allow him to walk in and out at will. Not only is this a very bad example of marriage to expose your son to it is probably damaging to him psychologically. He is learning that he is loved so little by his Dad that he abandons him when he needs him the most. Moreover, your self esteem has taken a beating of monumental proportions.

Can you consider that all of these problems can be solved by refusing to let your concern for your husband cloud your judgement about what this is doing to you and your child. You seem to be a co- dependent person, you aid your husband in continued bad choices about his illness and ignore your boy's need for stable adult relationships and your right to a loving caring relationship.

I really feel bad that you have been hurt so many times and I hope you will find the strength, love for yourself and courage to keep your husband out of your life from now on. Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Depressed hubby leaves - round 4

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Can you change your frame of reference and consider that you are allowing a man who refuses to seek treatment of a treatable mental illness to decide whether or not to continue the relationship. He has disrupted your life and your child's life for many years because you allow him to walk in and out at will. Not only is this a very bad example of marriage to expose your son to it is probably damaging to him psychologically. He is learning that he is loved so little by his Dad that he abandons him when he needs him the most. Moreover, your self esteem has taken a beating of monumental proportions.

Can you consider that all of these problems can be solved by refusing to let your concern for your husband cloud your judgement about what this is doing to you and your child. You seem to be a co- dependent person, you aid your husband in continued bad choices about his illness and ignore your boy's need for stable adult relationships and your right to a loving caring relationship.

I really feel bad that you have been hurt so many times and I hope you will find the strength, love for yourself and courage to keep your husband out of your life from now on. Best of luck to you.
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I'm going thru a diagnosis with my husband now where he's been emotionally if not phsycially distant. The hockey mom thing struck a note with me because that puts so much more additional financial and time pressures on a marriage, esp if your child is good, mine has reached Nationals 2 times, once coming in second, so you can't just "pull out" of something that is unique and and "elite" sport after investing so much time. It presents a totally different dynamic other's may not understand esp if you have a travel league situation. I disagree and don't think you are co-dependent, I think you are hanging on by a thread with insecurity about where to turn. I honestly think you need to see an assertive/aggressive counselor and attorney if you can afford it, I know I took money off retirement and just ate the tax consequences because I need to worry about now. You are going to have to step up to the plate, not let fear of unknown, keep you from moving forward, and move on. Basically your hubby can come along for your ride instead of you going for his. I know before my husband had his "break" the counselor told me that often when changing anything, whether it with my mother or child or husband or co-workers, they often rebel like a child who has their rules changed. You are going to have to find something stressbusting even if it's stretching and deep breathing (that's been my lifesaver right now, I pretent I'm back to smoking with the cigarettes, deep inhales) and set the groundrules. I would consult an attorney first though because we don't know the status of your living arrangements, I didn't see specifics about prescribed meds or treatment and move from there. Be it change the locks, have an agreement on visitation or meeting somewhere because like me, when you probably don't feel safe leaving your child with your husband (although it sounds like your's can't focus eough to care right now). You sound like me, you want to keep it together because you took vows seriously and still feel the man you married is in there but what was something you could handle has now overwhelmed you and gotten worse. I'm not a shrink but sometimes i wonder if I had stopped catering to my husband years ago if his situation would have happened or if gently standing up for myself would have guided us in a different direction. It's the past, can't recreate it, but sure as hell/heck can start fresh. Good luck, message me for support, a fellow hockey mom who loved the weekend tourneys this past season because it gave my daughter and I a chance to get away by ourselves and it was the only time I felt rested in 3 years. Funny, before his delusuions and break I told our counselor that when he wasn't with us there was just this "lifting" of a veil of stress..weird now that I know what was going on in his mind
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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One more thing, I've set rules, just in the past two weeks, not easy but boundaries are so important. Mornings are miserable so I've made it non-negotiable my husband is sleeping in guest rooms and has break through anxiety meds and a bottle of water with him. He is not allowed in our room until he takes one and allows 30 mins or so for it to work, he can walk, do whatever he needs to do but leave me and our daughter alone. She locks her door at night (although he hasn't bothered her yet but for me it's been every morning and I'm so utterly exhausted I'm questioning my judgement on things, I need a weekend in a hotel with nothing but old movies, take out and diet soda and black out curtains to sleep at will) and I lock our bedroom door. Boundaries with support of therapist.
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