Anxiety & Trust issues are killing my marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-31-2011, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
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Anxiety & Trust issues are killing my marriage

Hi Everyone,

I have been married 12 yrs and for the past 4 yrs I have not been the best wife for my husband.

I kept myself busy with our daughter (11 yrs old) school, sports and basically anything else that involved our daughter. I did not realize that I was not paying attention to my husband. Until Dec. 6, 2010 when he was admitted into the hospital for a toe infection and was diagnosied with diabetes. His stay in the hospital was for 5 days and in those days I found out that my husband was not going to work at night like he said but going out with his friends. I know look back and all the signs are there, it's scary because I think it might be too late to save this marriage.

I want to save my marriage so I promised myself that I would try to be a better wife. I tell my husband that I love him everyday and that I want to work on our marriage. He says he too wants our marriage to work out becaue he loves me but time has passed and he has become a diiferent man than the one I married. He said that I need to give him time and space to come around and that he cannot change over night.

In that time of the 4 yrs he made alot of new friends and started to watch porn and this is were the trust issue comes in. I feel that he prefers to hang out with the friends then to hang out with our daughter and myself. I get these anxiety moments when he does not answer his phone or when he stays out late with the friends.

So many things start going thru my head that I cannot think straight. I don't know how to let things be and trust him. He tells me he will never leave or cheat on me and that when we married is was forever. He tells me if he wanted to be with someone else he would not be by my side. That I need to trust him and be happy.

I need to know what to do to get this feeling of anxiety out of me. I questioned & check everyone that calls him and I'm always asking him where he is or what he did. I have started going to therapy with my daughter as I have seen my behavior and the fights I have with my husband (her dad) are starting to effect her in a way that she believe he and I will divorce.

Can anyone of you explain to me what happen to me. Why I am acting this way? I used trust him and to tell you the truth did not care about his friends but now seems over night I have become this nagging, snooping and overly protective wife.
He tells me that he feels trapped because he cannot do anything withiur me questioning his actions. I want him to start marriage counseling but he says that I first need to work on me and them we can ork on us.

Any comment good or bad will be greatly appreciated.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-31-2011, 11:50 PM
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Re: Anxiety & Trust issues are killing my marriage

If at all possible get in MC together and IC for you if he wants.

I've struggled with anxiety all my life. It can cause serious hard to a relationship when you get anxious during a rough time, arguement, or discussion and PUSH and nag. It harms the situation and marriage. There really isn't an easy way around it other than watching your anxiety.

I don't think its too late. Work hard. Get MC books. Get in MC any way possible.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-01-2011, 04:43 AM
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Re: Anxiety & Trust issues are killing my marriage

Your husband is the one causing the trust issues. He has lied to you! He doesn't answer his phone. He stays out late with friends. He has distanced himself from you and your daughter. And now he is suggesting you are paranoid. It's now up to your husband to earn your trust again. And he's not doing that! He's blaming you and you are doubting yourself.

Honestly, you need to do even more snooping. Your husband's behavior warrants it. I see red flags.

I do recommend individual counseling. But, not for the reasons your husband indicates. You need to find self confidence and stand up for yourself. As things stand now your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want a divorce, but he is unwilling to work on a marriage. He wants to carry on with whatever he is doing without you interfering. Individual counseling will help you define your boundaries--and stop his cake eating at the expense of your family.

Good luck!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-02-2011, 07:25 AM
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Re: Anxiety & Trust issues are killing my marriage

I personally do not agree that you need to do more snooping, you need to STOP.
Why? Because no amount of snooping, spying, etc. is only going to give you more anxiety.
You need to realize that the only person you have control over is YOU.

I also have struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and I know how hard it is.
I was like you-I constantly struggled with trust (he never gave me any reason not to trust him)
And also poured over cell phone records to see who he was talking/texting with. Any number I didn't recognize I would accuse him of cheating on me and he was constantly having to defend himself.
He used to swear up and down that he would never do anything like that to hurt me or hurt us but I refused to believe him.
I finally pushed him to the point where he couldn't take it anymore and he left. It's been almost 2 months now and we are still separated.
I'm not sure if we will work through this or not. I want to, but I did a lot of damage by letting my anxiety take over my life.

I'm not telling you this to scare you, I am telling you so you don't learn the hard way like I am.

You said you are in counseling for your issues-that is a great start. Make sure you keep going. Talk to your doctor about possibly getting on meds for your anxiety/depression.
I'm not suggesting everyone medicate themselves, I just know what has worked for me.
You need to make a conscious effort to NOT grill your husband 24/7 on his whereabouts or you WILL push him out the door.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I am honestly trying to help you.
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