I'm the only person she trusts and she has told me this many times.
Texas, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the reverse should be true. The closer you get to a BPDer, the greater her fear becomes that you will eventually discover how empty she is on the inside and then will abandon her. This is why BPDers generally have the least trust for the person who loves them the most.
Granted, because a BPDer is unstable, her behavior will be inconsistent. This means she may be able to trust you deeply while "splitting you white," at which times she will not perceive you to pose an abandonment threat. While "splitting you black," however, that trust will evaporate entirely. Hence, BPDers typically are incapable of trusting their partners for extended periods.
Significantly, this abandonment fear -- i.e., inability to trust for sustained periods -- is one of the key features of BPD. This fear can be manifested in many ways but the most obvious is when it takes the form of irrational jealousy or attempts to isolate you away from friends or family. I mention this because you say "my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me" and that she tried to commit suicide immediately after you had told her you wanted a divorce.
My wife seems to have signs of both bipolar and BPD.
Texas, if she has strong BPD traits, you've likely seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:
- 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
- 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
- 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
- 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
- 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
- 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
- 7. Low self esteem;
- 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
- 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
- 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
- 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, spending, or sexual activity);
- 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
- 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
- 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
- 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
- 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
- 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
- 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those 18 warning signs sound very familiar, it would be helpful for us to know which are the strongest and most persistent -- and which do not apply at all. I would be glad to join Synthetic and Tom in discussing them with you. If most don't sound familiar, however, please disregard this list.
I would need to get to a computer to explain each one.
Then please do get to a computer. The more information you provide the better we will understand what you may be dealing with. But, importantly, none of us is capable of diagnosing your W's issues. Only a professional can do that.
We nonetheless are able to point you to information that tells you what warning signs to look for. Then you can decide, for yourself, whether the warning signs are sufficiently strong to warrant your spending money and time to see a good clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the kids likely are dealing with.
I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.
Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD or bipolar warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.