3 years later and showing signs of starting again. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 01:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Sorry for the long post. A lot happened today.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 01:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Not willing to hope *
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 06:42 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Legal Separation = prolonging your pain and wallet shrinkage.

Divorce is the only short sweet answer to your problems with this unstable woman. She's going to cause lots of grief for you and your kids. The more you stay legally bound to her, the more you have to tolerate her sh1t.

File for divorce now and don't look back. You're not going to save her from herself. She may or may not do that on her own, but that's not your concern.
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 06:54 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Texas, Synthetic has given you excellent advice above. Did you have a chance to follow the links I provided in post #2 above and read the posts? If so, do most of the BPD warning signs sound very familiar? I ask because, if you decide your W exhibits strong warning signs for BPD, you likely will find MC to be a total waste of time until she's had several years (at least) of intensive therapy from a psychologist trained in treating it.

Unlike bipolar disorder, BPD is a thought disorder that cannot be treated by swallowing a pill. Hence, if you decide she is exhibiting most of the BPD red flags, it is important to see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the children are dealing with.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 07:08 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

The way you feel...that helpless to change anything...slow train wreck kind of feeling...frustrated...worried..etc...

It's because you are in the midst of a slow moving train wreck.You can change the whole thing by getting of that train. Sounds like you are...keep going. forget about separation...divorce. just do it. If she straightens out you could always marry her again ()thought I doubt you will; want her after you meet a normal woman).

The man you spoke to at your kids play. He is not your friend. She is 99.99 sleeping with him...or will be very soon. He will be helping her get info to screw with your head or otherwise manipulate the situation. I have seen this in action...DON"T fall for it. Her bringing to strange males to your children's school is about the largest breech of proper etiquette she could have pulled off short of showing up naked...(I's from TX myself).

The only reason you have to contact her is if there is a child emergency. Otherwise...ZERO contact. Let the kids see how often she actually calls.

Take care of you. You have value. You have much to offer a good woman...

Tender is the night
When you hold your baby tight
Tender are the motions, tender is the night

She gave that up. Not you

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 07:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I actually started the payment plan today for divorce. I showed him everything I have and he is going to take the case. First thing he is doing is getting her court ordered help. May or may not comply but That's OK. Second he will file a restraining order against Her. Third he will file for temporary child support. Texas Doesn't do legal separation. Divorce is the only way to get her help.

I do believe she wants to change because she is talking regularly. However I'm already started the process and Martin said if she comes around then I can just marry her again if I wanted.

He read all our texts since last October and he doesn't believe that divorce is really needed. His partner Dwight also agreed. I have used Dwight before but he hardly Does divorce cases anymore and he agreed to sit in with me. He vouched for both of us and thinks it won't come to divorce but serving her papers is going to help.

So It has been started.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 10:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

My wife seems to have signs of both bipolar and BPD. I would need to get to a computer to explain each one. I'm the only person she trusts and she has told me this many times. I for the most part trust her. She has only cheated on me once and I believe her on that. She said it was the biggest mistake of her life. I have the texts on my computer. Her mood swings start off slowly and build up. Using after I tell her she has done something to hurt me. I learned long ago to let her know how I feel. She doesn't act childish but she can be stubborn extremely bad.

She doesn't necessary push me away from her. Many times she doesn't want me to stay up late. She will always make me come to bed. Our sex life is good when she is stable. Last time we made love was the same day I kicked her out. However the night before she was saying hateful things so I slept on the couch.

She has called me Hitler once. That goes along with me being controlling. I'm African American by the way and my wife's Irish/Jewish American.

That was a big one for me and that was about 3 months ago. That's when I told her to Stop saying you don't love me when you clearly are.

At this point I'm just going to go through with the divorce. She doesn't want it but I do. She thinks we can't afford it but I will find a way. She wants to stay married but not be married. That just tells me she is trying to secure her way back in.

I think she wants to change but is afraid of it. She also didn't except me to kick her out.
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 10:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

She said this last Wednesday night.

" I will go to the community health core tomorrow and maybe i can get back in therapy


I thought things were fixed and we werent going to have to worry about it anymore but i was wrong. Something is broken in me and i dont know what it is"
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

You guys are a big help and it has kept me from loosing it many times. I have read countless post and it has help
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-14-2015, 08:18 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Quote:
I'm the only person she trusts and she has told me this many times.
Texas, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the reverse should be true. The closer you get to a BPDer, the greater her fear becomes that you will eventually discover how empty she is on the inside and then will abandon her. This is why BPDers generally have the least trust for the person who loves them the most.

Granted, because a BPDer is unstable, her behavior will be inconsistent. This means she may be able to trust you deeply while "splitting you white," at which times she will not perceive you to pose an abandonment threat. While "splitting you black," however, that trust will evaporate entirely. Hence, BPDers typically are incapable of trusting their partners for extended periods.

Significantly, this abandonment fear -- i.e., inability to trust for sustained periods -- is one of the key features of BPD. This fear can be manifested in many ways but the most obvious is when it takes the form of irrational jealousy or attempts to isolate you away from friends or family. I mention this because you say "my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me" and that she tried to commit suicide immediately after you had told her you wanted a divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by txcouple903 View Post
My wife seems to have signs of both bipolar and BPD.
Texas, if she has strong BPD traits, you've likely seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:
  • 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  • 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  • 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  • 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  • 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  • 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  • 7. Low self esteem;
  • 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  • 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  • 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  • 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, spending, or sexual activity);
  • 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  • 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  • 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  • 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  • 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  • 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  • 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those 18 warning signs sound very familiar, it would be helpful for us to know which are the strongest and most persistent -- and which do not apply at all. I would be glad to join Synthetic and Tom in discussing them with you. If most don't sound familiar, however, please disregard this list.

Quote:
I would need to get to a computer to explain each one.
Then please do get to a computer. The more information you provide the better we will understand what you may be dealing with. But, importantly, none of us is capable of diagnosing your W's issues. Only a professional can do that.

We nonetheless are able to point you to information that tells you what warning signs to look for. Then you can decide, for yourself, whether the warning signs are sufficiently strong to warrant your spending money and time to see a good clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the kids likely are dealing with.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD or bipolar warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I don't think she has either one now. She has been out for 30 days now.

She said she is happy and healthy. Basically she blamed me for her depression and unhappiness. She says all that went away after I kicked her out.

I have been seeing a therapist and she doesn't believe anything she says and told me not to either. She was invited 3 times to join us and refused to come.

She thinks that a burden of being with me has lifted and many other things I don't believe.

My therapist (a new one I have been seeing for 3 weeks now) said that she would do all of this.

I stopped talking to her for 9 days and out of no where she wanted to talk yesterday. Exactly like she had predicted she would.
We talked for an hour and of course I recorded it. She made it seem like she had really wanted marriage counseling to work but I had already went over that in depth with my therapist. She said waiting till the very end to get help wasn't going to help our marriage. A lot of our problems comes from miscommunication and still stim from that.

She refuses to believe that she had a choice to be unhappy and that I caused her depression. I told her I may have contributed to it through some of the things I said but I never meant anything I did to be that. I was genuinely wanting to help my wife get better and be happy. I told her you may have thought you told me what was wrong but you didn't communicate it to where I understood it.

Now she wants to have a peaceful divorce and still be friends. Exactly what my therapist said she would do because she wants to keep me around so she can come back later.

She said she is manipulative and stringing me along. She wants me to help her with money but I told her I'm not.

Every professional I talked to said if she was diagnosed with clinical depression and psychosis that it just doesn't go away because you get a divorce.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I don't see him anymore. I pay for my new one through my job.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Listen to your therapist and achieve a peaceful divorce like your wife says.

Don't bother wondering about what your wife claims. She's an unstable person. She will change her mind from time to time and will try to involve you in her internal conflicts. Make sure you don't fall for any of it (positive or negative).

One very important thing: Don't have sex with her. You will badly regret it later.

Detach, detach, detach. That's all you should be doing these days. Detach and divorce.

You'll be fine.
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I plan on detaching myself from her as much as possible. I am worried that she will want to have sex because she says I'm her poison.

I said she is my poison because I love her and I don't want her for sex. She didn't really want to tell me how I'm her poison but that is what I believe.

She wants a civilized relationship but I know where that leads. She wants to pretend that's not what's going on but I know better.

We will get a divorce soon and I'm happy. However my therapist thinks that she will want to remarry me later down the road based on what she has said and done. She thinks that all this is for us is a break and the only reason we are getting a divorce is because I wanted one.

It's very complicated but I believe I can make it through this without falling into another trap.

She hasn't came out an said anything about sex but I have no idea what she will do once she changes her mind.

I think the least amount of contact is best.
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 02:20 AM Thread Starter
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Update.

Okay I'm getting divorced from my ex wife and I have posted on here about her before. I took my new therapist advice I got back in September. It didn't work. We are still married and she is pregnant. I know 90% I'm not the father because I left at least 40 days before she could have gotten pregnant but she missed her period in that time too. I left May 9th 2015 and her baby was due in May. Now it's March or April. I'm not worried about it being mine but I was concerned about Texas law. My lawyer is working on it but so far I haven't heard anything from him since telling him 3 weeks ago. Also I found out she isn't working so what children support I am getting is coming from her boyfriend. I just found that out a few days ago. One of my biggest concerns is she is saying I'm influencing our children against her. I am walking on egg shells every day. My oldest daughter gets very upset when I ask her to call or text her. She really only talks to them at visitation which is only 4 hours a month split into two Saturdays. I have done everything I can to for them to talk to her but all she does is ignore them. I even bought them their own phone just to call and text their mother. She still claims I'm coaching them. She went do far as to claim I was harassing her by pretending to be our children. I had already talked with my lawyer about this very issue months before and filed. Well my lawyer says nothing has happened yet but I tend to believe her when she makes threats like that. I really want them to have a relationship with her but she just ignores them. It's been like that for 7 months right around the time she got pregnant. She blames me for everything. She was a support manager at a retail store now She is back to being a cashier and she isn't working much. She never really could work when she was pregnant but it always had a good job. Now she isn't working and her boyfriend has to pay all her bills. I don't feel sorry for him at all. My primary concern is that they have a good relationship will their mother. She has a lot of problems. Many of you know she has clinical depression and she hasn't been on medicine since 2013. She claims she is happy at healthy.

I do my best not to talk bad about their mother. I tell them I still love her but we can't be together. They get upset with me the same as they do when she says it. Okay enough of the update. I already posted on another forum with what's going on. Is their a peaceful solution to this? December 6th 2015 should have been our divorce date. As time goes on I think it's less likely to happen since we can't agree on anything. She wants 3 days a week. I want standard visitation, two weekends a month etc. I would let her see them more but that is what I think we should start with. My family and her family agree but I guess they have too because she doesn't talk to any of her family at all. Her own mother is urging for no visitation until she can show better behavior. Although I'm the only one that was happy about her pregnancy they don't think she should have anymore children but it's done can't be undone.

Here is the post I made a few days ago. Any advice would be helpful. All the advice I have gotten so far has helped.





My ex wife who I was married to for 12 years is probably. I just found out two Saturday's ago ( she told mykids at visitation). We have three children 11, 9, and 6. I was happy she was pregnant and I called to tell her. She yelled at me and said it's none of my business. That didn't bother me since she has been hostile since we broke up. I have never had a problem with her boyfriend even though she got with him two weeks after we separated. We are still married and going through a rough divorce. I have temporarily full custody and she has supervised visitation. So she got pregnant after 3 months of being with this guy and I just found out 6 months later.

Unfortunately my kids have been caught in the middle. My children and I have asked her many times to just call or text them. Instead she ignores their texts claiming it's me. Even though my oldest is very smart she doesn't believe she is capable of texting. So I asked my lawyer to send a formal letter to her lawyer to ask can she please call her children. That was in November and she hasn't called not even on Thanksgiving or Christmas. My children think she is replacing them and they also think she is replacing me. They understand why I left her they just don't understand why she pushed me to that point. They have been through her leaving twice before and they are really upset about it. This has been the longest she has been gone. Back in December she told them she wasn't ready to be a mother and 2 weeks ago she tells them she's pregnant. My oldest keeps saying how can she be ready now when she just told us she wasn't ready to be a mother. It hurts them really bad and they are upset with me for being happy about it. They feel their new brother is going to get more love then them. It's tough to deal with but I don't have a choice. I have them in therapy separately and we go as a family twice a month. They have heard her say all kinds of bad things about me and it makes them not want to go to visit her.

She does nothing for them because they are with me before the court order I did everything i could to get her to see them on her off days but she always had her boyfriend there. She doesn't call them or text them at all. At the time I didn't think she should be pushing someone she hardly knows on our kids and especially if he hasn't seen his two children in 6 years. I didn't think he was a good father but I don't know him. Seems like a nice guy to me. We have not gotten into any problems or talked to each other in over 9 months. My problem is not with him but her. This isn't the first time she has had an affair but this is the first time I have left her on my own. I figured she would get pregnant sooner or later even though she claimed she couldn't have children. She even wants me out of our children's lives for good. She has a lot of anger and hate towards me and I believe she withholds love from our children because they are with me. I tell them constantly their mother love's them but no matter what I say they want to see it in her actions. Although she will tell me she doesn't love me but the few times my children were their with her and her boyfriend they overhead her tell him she still loved me. She just needed to get me back for making her hurt so bad. I understand that but I left because she was hurting me. She started dating her boyfriend 9 days after she left (I kicked her out, I know it was wrong but she was cheating). Claims she just met him but I didn't bother arguing that with her. Now she's pregnant and still angry as the day she left. I have tried being the nice guy and I have been willing to let her see her children any time she wants but after 4 attempts at finalizing our divorce it keeps postponed.

My kids tell me he wants to talk to me and he has called once. I don't feel the need to talk to him because it's not my business. I may still love her but I don't have to be with her to love her. That ship has sailed but my kids keep pushing for me not to give up.

I would like for my children to have a better relationship with their mother but she won't unless she has them. Everything points to "As long as you have them I won't talk to them or call them. " I don't even know how to handle this. Other then visitation they have basically 4 hours a month with her and so far every visit hurts them more and more. They way she acts and everything. My oldest daughter even said while they were playing scrabble she gave her only letters that were in her boyfriends name. The other letters she put back because she said oops I saw that one. Everyone including her mother and father all side with me. They both call me regularly but she hasn't called them in over a year.

I guess I'm just wanting to know is their a peaceful solution. I really want them to know their brother but I don't think she is going to allow that unless she gets full custody. I can't do the because if I do then I get no visitation. She has denied everything I have asked for. Joint custody isn't a option because any control she gets she will abuse. My own lawyer said she was controlling and manipulative.

I also hoping for full custody and I will give her visitation whenever she wants. I am going to leave child support ruling up to the courts. I just don't think she will agree to anything I ask. My children have a father and they don't need a new one. I am okay with them having a step dad because eventually they will have a step mom but I don't think she is right trying to push me out. They have been with me since she left and I have taken good care of them. I have always been like that. I think I spoil them too much but they are happy. Their only problem is they want their mother to come home. They believe in that deeply even though I tell them not to get their hopes up. Even after all she has done they still believe she loves me. I can't say I understand why they believe that or if she is coming home.

I can't give them that but I can give them all the love I can.
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