3 years later and showing signs of starting again. - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2014, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Been married to my wife Jessica going on 12 years now. Always had problems but we have worked through them. Just some back story here from 2012. I'm typing this on a tiny phone so I will try to keep it short.

Any advice is helpful. I know a lot of couples on TAM have stayed together after affairs and I am hoping me and my wife can. I guess you can described our marriage as different. It's not open but sometimes it seems to be open for her. She has a lot of guys chasing her. Now I have females chasing me but I have a habit of putting the brakes on their advances. Why because my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me. I know it's a double standard.

The only female I really talk to is Samantha and She is gay. We are basically best friends but she lives in Dallas. She knows I like her but I wouldn't even think to cross the line. She is also friends with by wife.
Yes they both like each other but they want to remain friends. It has occurred to me that being friends with her could have been a trigger that started our current problem.


So here is the back story. I posted this on another thread.


"My wife had a 5 year affair with someone I knew. Everything you said was exactly how my wife felt. I did everything I could to understand her feeling and needs, but she was never happy. For the longest I tried to get her to go to counseling and when we did she made everything my fault. She has said so many hurtful things I can't even remember all them.

Just 9 months ago she left me for the other guy after trying to commit suicide 7 days before. I had told her I wanted divorce because she wanted a 3 way relationship, I had no choice in the matter since she was already involved with the guy. She walk out on me and my kids and even had the guy come over to pack her stuff.

Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD. Anyway she came back after 5 months and she started therapy. The guy she was so in love with and she thought was her soulmate didn't love her they way she loved him.

She is still not happy at all even though I bend over backwards for her. I try my best to communicate with her and she just says I don't understand, it's always something different. Last night she told me that she was sexual unattractive to me and had not been for 5 years. She has also told me she didn't love me on many occasions and last night she said she loved me but would be Okay not ever having sex with me again.

Having an affair is what caused her to get to where she is at now. Even though I have done every thing possible to make her happy. I feel like it's All about her and none of my feelings matter. We will be going to marriage counseling soon and she wants me to get a therapist as well. I feel exactly how you feel inside but I still love her, I'm still sexually attracted to her and I want to try but I just don't know.

She said last night she doesn't love the other guy but she still needed the passionate sex from him because she wasn't getting it from me even though we have great sex. So that's were we are at, in her view we are growing apart. My view is nothing I do will ever be enough. What's so bad is our kids are noticing her being unhappy. I told her she should leave she doesn't want too."




Okay that was a little over 2 years ago. She dropped the guy after she realized it wasn't real. Went to counseling for a year and things got better(I got counseling as well). She was Happy and the depression had gotten better. A lot of our problems were sexual problems but that also seemed to improve.

She got a job a Wal-Mart and managed to become a CSM. That made things even get better for a while. So I thought things was going to be better from now on.

Everyone knows most pretty girls have guys at their job that want to get with them, flirt with them, and want to have sex with them. It's the same for attractive guys.

Well several guys became interested in her. She has been working there over a year and has known from the beginning which girls liked her. She also made several female friends so I encouraged her to be more social with them. One of the guys that was in her friends group started liking her which she knew that he liked her. At first she went to lunch together with her friends but as time passed over several months she just started going to lunch with this one guy.

I gave her my trust because our therapist said to build trust up we had to start trusting so I did. I knew he liked her but I trusted her not to encourage anything. I told her many times that she was in control of her own actions.

Over the past 2 months they have been going to lunch together every day that They work together which is every day. His schedule matches hers because he is her manager. I found out December 23 that they have been sexting. Took me a while to confirm it because I she deletes her messages often. I figured it out before but I believe in trusting her.

Neither one of us want to get a divorce so I know she wants to do better. They have been alone several times on lunch because most of the time they just sit in the car and eat. I don't know much more because I haven't asked. Yeah they probably could have already had sex which we wouldn't surprise me.

I would just like some input and advise really. I know she is on the beginning swing of a depression cycle because I have seen it before. I am really worried she is going to cause herself some more hurt and pain if she keeps this going.

I decided to seek advice after last night. She got sexually aroused and decided to masturbate. I was not the one that caused it but it was her sexting.

So that's what's going on. I guess I'm handling this better then most. I don't want to push the issue because she has been showing signs of depression. She cried all day on Christmas for No reason. Wouldn't call her Dad or Brother even though I offered to call and do most of the talking.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2014, 05:05 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

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Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD.
Welcome back to the TAM forum, Texas. I assume your W believes she has bipolar disorder (BD). The term "BPD" customarily refers to "Borderline Personality Disorder." I mention this distinction because, if your W really does have bipolar disorder, there is a good chance she also has BPD. Specifically, if she has bipolar-1 (i.e., with periods of strong mania in addition to periods of strong depression) the chance of her also having BPD is about a third. If she has bipolar-2, (i.e., strong depression but very mild mania), the chance of also having BPD is about a fourth. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

If you're interested, I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Texas.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2014, 05:35 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Wow 5 years ago, 9 months ago, and now ......

Hell she even left you!!!!

What consequences has your wife faced for her choices?

You continue to reward her and this behavior will continue.

Both of you guys use her mental illness as an excuse so she continue to phuck around.

And by the way, your old lady was crying cuz her boyfriend was spending Christmas with his family instead of with her.

Is her *new* affair partner married?

How can you trust someone who continues to stab you in the back?

I suggest you go get your self tested for STD's and start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue. So start by finding out if this manager is married and exposing this affair.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2014, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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No he isn't married and I was tested for STD's at my check up in October.

I will read those links tonight When I get off work.

There does seem to be pattern. We have been together since 2003 and the first affair started in 2007. It's very hard to know If her actions are based on her mental illness or she just wants sex.

I don't know about crying over her boyfriend but I assume it has to do with breaking contact with her mother and sister. This was the 3rd Christmas she hasn't talked to or seen them which is a very good thing.

Either way I see what both of y'all are saying. I do believe I have enabled her to continue with her behavior with No consequences. It's really hard because I do believe she is starting to depressed again but having a fling with another guy isn't going to make things worse.

Then again I could just be her safety net to fall back on.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 04:10 AM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

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It's very hard to know If her actions are based on her mental illness or she just wants sex.
And this would be important why?!

Grow some self esteem and get yourself out of this miserable life. You're not here to save that horrible woman from herself. You're here on Earth to live a good life.

Divorce her. Don't be a martyr. There's absolutely no pay off in the end.

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Then again I could just be her safety net to fall back on.
Facepalm!

Read this: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-18-2015, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I think that I Come off as having low self esteem which is far from the truth. Outside of the problems we have I'm a happy person. All my friends that I have and co-workers say I'm the most optimistic person they have ever met.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-11-2015, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Well I finally kicked her out 2 weeks ago. Now she wants to get help so she can be a better person. I told her if she told me she didn't love Me one more time I was kicking her out. She didn't last barely over a month.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-11-2015, 10:47 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

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Well I finally kicked her out 2 weeks ago. Now she wants to get help so she can be a better person. I told her if she told me she didn't love Me one more time I was kicking her out. She didn't last barely over a month.
You did the right thing getting off the crazy train now work on you eat healthy and workout.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 03:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I am happy too. I still talk to her. She blames me but I really didn't force her to leave. She did that on her own. She says we are separated but I actually didn't say that or imply it. I just said she couldn't stay at our house anymore. She did the rest. So am going to work getting better. I'm not trying to get back with her. Just staying in contact. I did get into therapy and he suggested I tell her I love her daily. Just to remind her that I do. As far as her depression goes she hasn't got help. All I can do is get myself better.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 12:08 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

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I did get into therapy and he suggested I tell her I love her daily
Your therapist is an idiot. Fire him.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I don't pay him. It's through a community center.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 12:28 PM
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

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I don't pay him. It's through a community center.
You don't tell an abusive woman you love her everyday "just to remind her". That's codependent, doormat behavior and frankly 'dishonest'. You shouldn't love an abuser. Your therapist should be helping you detach from this dysfunction.

I'd stop going to him as he may encourage you back into dysfunction just to make himself feel better about 'reconciling' yet another couple.

He won't be putting up with your wife's abuse. YOU WILL.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

You are right about that. I knew I joined this forum for a reason. You just don't know how that makes me feel. I love her but I'm not in love with her anymore and I don't have to feel guilty for leaving. I am not responsible for her if she is depressed, suicidal, and abusive to me. It tried everything to get her help and she refused every step of the way.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-12-2015, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

I've tried everything *
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-13-2015, 01:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.

Situation is worse then I thought. One of the people she is staying with told me that he thinks she needs to be in a mental hospital. He is a mutual friend. I used to work with him but anyway she apparently couldn't stay with the other people she was staying with.

He thinks that she is manipulative. I told him she is using him to have a place to stay. He already paid for her car insurance.

She is using him and he isn't going to get anything out of her. It's really sad that she is doing this to another person but that was his choice. I informed him that if your think she isn't going to screw you over then think ago.

This conversation took place when she brought him and another male friends who is married to our oldest daughters play earlier. She didn't want to really talk to me which didn't borther me. I had my mother and brother with me too. Since she wouldn't talk to me I talked to him. He explained everything she had been saying about me which neither of them believed. He knows she might try to use sex against him. Basically he said he is going to keep me updated on everything. He gave me his number and I think he is trying to help but he might not be able to handle her.

I told him my only concern is she call her children daily and be there for them. I know It's going to be a problem for her because she isn't trying to get Help.

We both agreed she is emotionally abusive. He could tell that from working with her. I also told him about her fling with their boss which he didn't know about. It kinda made him mad because she was their bosses favorite. We both agreed she probably ****ed him. Fortunately for me he doesn't believe in sleeping with married or separated women. Who knows he might be trying to get it too. Not my problem anymore but he said he will keep me informed.

The school already knew the situation and I could tell she didn't make any friends with them. They had a look of disgust on their faces. Each one of their teachers wanted to know what was up. They were not happy about her bringing two strange guys to her children's events.

I put my kids in school counseling today too. My son's teacher said he has better telling her his mommy doesn't kicked him. I was knew my children thought this because they would tell their granny about it when I was at work. She is our baby sitter. We both work nights. His grades are top notch but his behavior is bad. She told me he acts out in class which I and my mother have been trying to help with at home. Allowed my childrens grades are above average but my son is the only one having problems At school. They have told me things about their mother that really gets me teared up and emotional. I do a good job of now showing them. Been a few times but I know they notice. They are really good and I'm glad they are taking it well. Last time they didn't cope Well.

She also tried talking to my Mother's but that didn't work out since she was already pissed at her. She tried to act all sweet but she looked horrible and strung out. I was embarrassed because they normally see us together and we are both dressed nice. She looked like she was on drugs and she has only been gone two weeks.

I did talk to her last night and everything seemed Okay. I thought this was going to be a peaceful separation. I Was wrong.

" Insane people are dangerous. Whats wrong with me is i m finally realizing how insane you really are and i dont want to go along with it any more.

Im getting my stuff. Period. Im going to Savanna's play. Period. If I need a police escort to do these things then so be it."

That is what she said to me. I called the cops first let them know the situation after they came over. Next thing I did was go to the school an let them know. I took them out at 1 pm before she got in town. Had her stuff sitting by the side of the road by 2 pm. I only kept the clothes I bought her that she hadn't wore which I will donate to goodwill. I won't do that till later on though.

I talked to a divorce lawyer today as Well. She is going to work out our separation and start paper work for child support after I retain her. That is going to be $200. She recommended separation over divorce because a judge can force her in to therapy with Me and for herself. I told her everything and she said that was best because if she can get better and go back to being a going wife/mother then that is the way to go. She doesn't think she is serious about divorce and is just using that as a weapon to control me. As was the calling me dangerous.

I told her divorce is my goal if she doesn't change. I am now willing to hope this therapy and medicine will help at this point. My children are my top concern. I'm already in therapy so That's a plus for me.

We have a truck together. It's in her name but I but the money down. I couldn't get it financed in my name because I am a cosigner on my brothers car. At the time we needed another vehicle so it had to be done. The lawyer said That's only of the things she will work on getting. It was bought while we are still married. We are going for a legal separation now him me and her saying it. Well she is because she doesn't plan on getting a lawyer but I do. It's time to get court order help.

I want to thank everyone who has giving me advice. Any more would be helpful too.
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