My husband has a history of becoming mentally unstable when a life change or commitment comes up. Most recently, he filed for divorce right before we were to try to start a family. He agreed to go on medication but had a hard time accepting a depression diagnosis. When he was on the meds, he was at ease and hopeful. Now he is off them again and blames the marriage (mostly me) for his mental state. And he refuses to cancel the divorce. He is convinced another woman will make him happier and that I am the cause of his depression. Anyone have a similar predicament?
He is convinced another woman will make him happier and that I am the cause of his depression. Anyone have a similar predicament?
only one way for him to find out...i bet if you call him on his bluff he'll back down. he's just soaking up the attention. but in any case why would you want to have a family with this guy? can you imagine what this emotional roller coaster would do to a child? they can never walk away from it.
Oh I know. He is not the man I married right now. Of course he is in no state to be a stable father or husband. But he has not always been like this. This is not the guy I fell in love with. I am hopeful that once this crisis subsides, he will be willing to work on this so that he can be in the marriage 100%. We have been through this before. He comes over every night and hangs around, wanting attention. I am doing my best to stay neutral and not show that I care too much. It seems to be working. He looks so lonely and lost. He really has no one else who cares for him as much as I do.
For years I blamed my depression on my dh. Luckily my dh dragged me kicking and screaming to marriage counseling before I could have a chance to file for divorce. The counselor got through to me and I got the depression diagnosis. Within months I saw that I was the problem not him and while my marriage improved I still had a lot of work to do.
I agree your husband is looking for attention. Don't give it to him as it only feeds the depression. Trust me I know. Call his bluff and agree to the divorce. Agree that he's right that probably another woman would make him feel better. He wants you to argue with him, to beg him to stay, to make him feel somehow worthy of being on this planet but you can't. It will never be enough for you to fill the void he feels in his soul. He has to do it alone.
He will continue to be lonely and lost if you are always there to pick up the pieces when he falls down. Let him fall. He is probably stronger than you think.
Thanks so much, that really helps! I am taking a week away from home to get my head together. So he's home without me. It's been a day and he's already contacting me for trivial things. Whenever he has gone to mc with me, it has helped. But then we would go home and he accused me and the therapist of ganging up on him. So frustrating!
Up to this point, I've delayed the divorce but I agree that I need to call his bluff and go along with it. At this point I'd be happy if he went to ic. I figure mc won't happen unless he halts the legal stuff. I'll give it a week and see how he handles not having me to support him emotionally. I'll post more as the days pass. Stay tuned! Posted via Mobile Device
I'm going through something similar. My fiance left me about 6 weeks ago (we were together for 7 years). We tried going through couples counseling, which seemed to help a great deal. But once she graduated from college and was met with a wave of rejection in the job market, she shut down. Being able to be financially independent and not having to rely on anyone was her #1 goal. When that was taken away, she became distant and projected a lot of her frustration towards me.
Granted, there were other issues in our relationship, she is only focusing on the negative. I've been taking this time to focus on myself, and I'm a little lost as to handle the situation. When someone is depressed, it's hard to feel that love for anyone. I think getting away from home will help. It will give both of you some time to think. Hang in there...
Sounds like your fiance is going through something similar. Being scared is a powerful thing. Life changes are overwhelming. Sometimes people are so scared, they don't even realize the source of it. If she loves you, she will figure it out. My husband has been alone for 4 days now and texts me daily, trying to find excuses to talk to me. I am trying to stay strong so that he feels the void. The best thing we can do is limit contact and show them what life is like without us. Taking someone for granted is so easy to do and so hard to realize until they are gone. Good luck and keep me posted. Stay strong!
You're strong, and it shows. I know it's hard to not talk to the one we love. I broke the NC today and called her. However, it was to let her know that our neighbor, who we both loved, passed away. It was pretty important, and I felt she should know.
Her difficulty dealing with change is showing more and more. I heard that she's applied for work in the Seattle area, but she's also applying for the Masters program at Washington State University, and the program is based in eastern Washington (3 hours away from Seattle). She has become so inwardly focused that she's not letting herself feel anything for me. She says she only feels friendship for me, and nothing else. I really don't believe that you can go from madly in love with someone to feeling only friendship in a matter of a few weeks. Maybe it's true, I don't know. But it's really hard to feel that love for someone when you don't fully love yourself. The hard truth about that is it leaves people like you and me feeling hurt, alone, and unable to help. I want to be there for her, but I also want her to understand what it's like to live a life without me.
When you say "If she loves you, she will figure it out", it's really encouraging. I do believe she still loves me (or can again, if she lets herself). I hope you take those words into consideration for yourself.
Thanks for noticing my strength. Everyone tells me they do not know how I do it. I have been with my husband for about 11 years so I know him better than anyone. I am in pain about this and it is really hard. But something has to be said for intuition and following your heart. Had I listened to my family and friends in the past, I would not have ended up married to him. But at the end of the day, you have to go with your gut. Part of loving someone is letting them go but staying hopeful that they will come back. That is all we can do at this point, right? Any relationship has its ups and downs and true love is left standing in the end. Someday, I feel, he will see beyond himself and realize that what he thought he was searching for was here all along. From what you describe, it sounds likely that she will come around. Sometimes people need to so their own soul searching before they can commit fully to someone. If they see us as holding them back from that, the process will take longer. As painful as it is, it will be worth it in the end. Think positively and keep loving her!
Part of loving someone is letting them go but staying hopeful that they will come back. That is all we can do at this point, right? Any relationship has its ups and downs and true love is left standing in the end. Someday, I feel, he will see beyond himself and realize that what he thought he was searching for was here all along.
Be very, very careful with this. If you spend your time hoping that he'll come around, you'll be even more devastated if he doesn't. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's never coming back to you. Trust me, accepting this possibility is the most difficult thing. I'm still trying to process it myself.
Just try to focus on taking care of yourself. Be the woman that he fell in love with. If you haven't seen this thread yet, you may want to read about nonchalance. It has some great advice in it, and it gave me a different perspective on things:
From what you describe, it sounds likely that she will come around. Sometimes people need to so their own soul searching before they can commit fully to someone. If they see us as holding them back from that, the process will take longer. As painful as it is, it will be worth it in the end. Think positively and keep loving her!
Like you, I hope my love will come back to me. I don't know if she will. What makes this so difficult is that she's going through such a difficult time, and may have a hard time seeing our relationship as something worth saving. Also, she's 240 miles away, and she may never move back. If she stays where she is, then there is little chance we'll be together.
I still have a little hope, and it helps me get through some days. But I can't rely on hope, and neither should you. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility she'll come back, and the possibility I've lost her forever. I hurt more than I've ever been hurt, but if I wait for her, thinking she'll be back, the pain I feel now will be nothing compared to what I'll feel if she never comes back to me.