Dealing With Spouse's Past Promiscuity.
I've been having a really hard time dealing with my spouse's past promiscuity. We've been together for 6 years. I'm not worried about her cheating. It's not a trust issue. I know that I'm insecure, possessive, it's my problem, and I should leave it in the past. Please don't just tell me to get over it (if I could, I would).
That said, it all came reeling up recently when we went to a OB/GYN because of fertility problems. I knew that she had been with other men before me. We met when we were 23 and neither of us were virgins. We had briefly talked about our past experiences early in our relationship. She told me about some of her self destructive behavior and mentioned that she had been with a lot of men. I didn't want to know the details, and although it hurt at first, I was able to let it go and move into what has been a wonderful relationship.
Nearly 6 years later, we are married, and have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now. I finally talked her into getting some medical help because I suspected something was wrong. When they asked about sexual activity I found out that she has had vaginal intercourse with 23 men and 5 women. It turns out that she has severe scars on her reproductive organs due to multiple STD infections in the past. We are going to see a reproductive specialist, but it appears that pregnancy is going to be very difficult, if not impossible.
I have so many confusing emotions that I don't even know where to start. 28 sexual partners is vastly more than I had imagined. It makes me feel very insecure, jealous, and hurt.
I also have some anger regarding the infertility because of the STD scarring.
We are very open with each other and discussed the matter in detail the other night. We tried to express our feelings. I tried to understand her point of view, why & how she could have been so promiscuous before she met me. Why her values changed... ect..
Just to put things in perspective. I have had 1 sexual partner other than her and it was a 4 year relationship. Although it was painful to hear some of the details, I think it ultimately strengthened our relationship. I know more about my wife and I can, at least logically, understand her past behavior.
Yet, I still can't entirely get over it. I am going to therapy. It's not helping. Right now my problems seem to revolve around 3 things.
1. Several of her friends were once her lovers.
I wouldn't say that any of them are really "MY" friends. But I have known these people for years. One of them lives just down the block from us. Now every time I see them I have visions of them sleeping with my wife.
2. She doesn't remember the names of most of her sexual partners but almost all of them live, or have lived, near her hometown (which is where we live now).
3. The STD scarring.
This one is a huge problem for both of us. Knowing that I'll probably never be able to have children because of my wife's poor choices in the past is bad enough, but on top of that, she is also REALLY depressed about this issue and I don't know how to support her. She wants children more than anything and it's killing her. Yet, I can't fully support her in the way that I want , in the way that I know that I'm capable of, because I'm so hurt and angry. I know that getting STD's is not something that she intentionally set out to do. I know she's hurting. Yet, I can't help but feel it's her fault.