Lorraine M

I'm in it, emtionally, better or worse, sickness and health..however, reality is depression, anxiety and irrational behavior, while waiting for meds to work is creating so much stress with constant threats of divorce from husband. He is currently living outside of home, getting his own place for "short term" recovery of a few months. He goes from me not being allowed in house when he is here with daughter to calling me and telling me if I want to come home just stay on another floor. One day I can't talk to him, the next day I can. No text messages, but then he texts...says he's not divorcing me, I believe he doesn't want to, but he did a free phone consult with attorney to make sure he wouldn't have issues moving out and future visitation with daughter. In my state it always seems whoever files first gets the upper hand in a divorce. I don't want a divorce but would it be worth it to cash in a small amount of my retirement money for a good attorney just to have advice and a retainer so I can move ASAP if someone talks him into filing. Does anyone know if I should file just to protect my rights? Has anyone been in this position? Honestly, as of now, if there aren't major improvement over the next year I don't see our marriage surviving and it's not fair to our child. Especially since we were in counseling for 3 years prior to his "episodes" starting which now I realize the marriage problems were all symptomatic of this mental distress. When taking his meds routinely I see the old husband, sweet, normal problems, but when he's late or doesn't take them as prescribed, he's nasty and mean and I fear he would have no problem starting a divorce. He's already sold me out to my mother, someone I don't like and has her own issues, by revealing all sorts of personal business from debt to him "being afraid of me" but I have tried to not say anything to anyone we know about him except that he's having some anxiety issues and trying to find meds that help him. Even if we do divorce there isn't a rule that says we can't still be together but I don't want to send him over the edge in such a sensitive time, as per his psychiatrist instructions he needs to be dealt with kid gloves, no stress, etc...but the psychiatrist is driving a Lexus while I drive a middle class SUV.. meaning I don't have the financial resources if he files and I'm a beat behind...it's easy to advise someone to be gentle but the reality is very different when you live in fear of losing your ability to maintain finances, etc. I worked part time and lost my job and am looking actively for another but he makes far more than I ever will and is very believable when he's slandering me. HELP please..these past months have been hell for my daughter and myself..

COGypsy

Better or worse, sickness and in health is all well and good up to a point. It really is. But at some point, YOUR health and YOUR well-being come into play as well. If he can't or won't get well, then you have to take care of yourself. You and your daughter deserve to sleep at night. You deserve to know where you'll be sleeping at night. To have the consistency that kids need to be raised with. He may be fragile, but there's no guarantee that in 6 months or a year or 5 years his doctors won't think he's just as fragile. You could wait your whole life living like this for his doctors to approve your life. Remember, they're HIS doctors, not yours! They don't have your best interests, or any of your interests in their scope of care, really.

There's absolutely nothing wrong and everything right about wanting to establish safe and healthy boundaries with a very sick person. If you separate yourself from him, he can only do so much to slander you because you're simply not there. If you do divorce him however, you have to make it stick. You'll always be connected through your daughter, but to get "technically" divorced and still spend every day with him and be his primary caretaker won't work. It's more about creating the boundaries that he can't.

Uptown

Lorraine, when did the crazy problems with your H begin. I've read your other threads and you seem to be describing a situation where the marriage was fine for 17 years or so and then all hell broke loose in the past three years. That doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like your H had emotional issues when you married and you overlooked the red flags earlier. Is that right?

VLR

Are you saying you would want to stay with him if you were sure he wasn't going to divorce you first? If he didn't change a bit and you knew for sure he wouldn't file first would that work for you?

That may be a question to work on first and then the the legal one becomes a little easier to approach.