Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-15-2011, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help


My wife is my best friend. Period. She was the only female friend I had that was close to me, and hence I asked her to marry me after about a yr and change of dating. However, since then I've been having doubts and feel terrible at times for making that decision. My wife is a beautiful woman, with a beautiful smile and character. However, we do not share the same culture, and I sometimes find myself missing parts of me that are now dormant due to the amount of time I spend with her. She is also a bit overweight, and this has been a problem between us. With that issue I have tried everything, from encouraging her to exercise with me, to eating right, to motivating her, and in the past I am ashamed to admit but out of frustration I said some things I should not have said (that was a few yrs ago). Since then I have done my best to fix my mistakes, by calling her beautiful, encouraging her and not talking about weight. She will say she will get on track, but then nothing happens. Week in week out, she works, comes home and thats it. She is also a few yrs older than I am, so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it.
Fact is, I am not that physically attracted to her, or should I say I do not lust after her. The other day I was at this function and I was talking with this lady closer to my age who was in good shape and I found myself feeling attracted to her, and I felt terrible for feeling that way. Good things have happened in my life since I married my wife, but I feel this, I don't know, longing sometimes for a woman I would feel passion for that I can't explain. I love my wife dearly, never cheated, never even got another womans phone number. We have spoken a few times about just being friends but I feel terrible because I know that would break her heart as I know she loves me so much. So I suggested we try to work it out and see if we can create some sparks. My fear is there may be no sparks to create.
I don't know if I'm just being immature or if my issues are legit, but either way I sometimes feel stuck. I love my wife dearly and I want to remove this thing that causes this block in me towards her because she's worth it. I just don't want to waste her time if she's really meant to be with someone else. I love spending time with her, its just these issues that make me depressed sometimes. I want to do the right thing.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-17-2011, 01:00 PM
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

The first one is easy - reconnect with your culture. You don't have to spend every second together. You will enrich your marriage by enriching yourself.

Second is harder. She knows you are considering divorse on the weight issue but won't address it. But are you fairly certain that you would be mote attracted to her without the weight?

What about the age difference you skirted by in your post. How does that factor in?
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-20-2011, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

Thanks on the advice for my first point about culture. Regarding the weight thing, I sense there may be a deeper issue, because you are right, even if she did lose all the weight I might still be resentful for marrying her. I just did not plan on all this coming on so soon...there are some other factors as well. I do not get along with her mother at all (I personally think she's a rude woman that does not respect boundaries). I have not had as much fun/freedom as I had when I was alone. My life has become a routine now, and I sometimes feel I am being "forced" into certain positions, mostly out of obligation. In addition I had suggested that we try and work out some of our issues, and start dating again b4 having kids, but she gets off the birth control and voila, now she's pregnant. Its just been a lot for me to deal with, and sometimes I feel if I had been a little more selfish I would not be feeling this way. Hence the feeling of being "stuck."
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-20-2011, 03:28 PM
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

Wow, Zimba. I do not have any real advice to give you, except to say that you are not alone. In many respects, I am having some of the same issues with my husband.

The worst part of it all is we have only been married a year and a half. I feel like such a failure to have a marriage on the rocks so soon. I can't relate to your cultural issues, but the others I can. Our sex life is lackluster, for various reasons. We rarely have sex anymore. Partly because he lacks initiative, and because I have gotten so bored with it, I have lost interest. I miss and have a strong desire for a passion-filled sex life. But is that a legitimate reason to consider leaving a marriage? (And I know I need to focus on myself, but I'm ashamed to think what the family members, both his and mine, would say.)

He's my best friend. That's why I married him. My parents have such a disconnected marriage, I swore I wouldn't be like them. Now, it's the opposite. I married my best friend so I wouldn't be stuck with someone I couldn't stand. But I feel like I want to put my own husband in the "friend zone." Yet I know I'm practically his whole world. But I don't see him as a lover.

Yes, he's overweight. He keeps agreeing with me that we need to start eating healthier (I am no supermodel, but I am at a healthy weight), but then obsesses over junk food, snacks by the bucketful and sweets. I don't think him losing weight would solve all of our issues, but I do think it could help some of his issues in the bedroom.

I've found myself having to consciously stop myself from developing a "crush" on a man I have a professional relationship with.

That is probably more than you really wanted to know, but it felt good to get it off my chest. Good to know I'm not the only one out there.

The question is, where do we go from here? I broke down and talked to him about it the other day. Not a whole lot of progress was made there that I can see. Counseling seems somewhat logical, but don't know about how comfortable I feel, or about the selection of providers in our small area.

I'm so lost.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-21-2011, 12:20 AM
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

FairSkies and Zimba,

Please make room for one more because you guys are not alone. I'm in almost the exact same situation as both of you....with a few differences.

I've been married for a year and a half and I have known my wife for 4 years. My wife is a woman I only kinda knew after a year and a half of dating her. I married my wife because she is a high quality person. The disconnect that FairSkies saw in her parents marriage was there while we were dating and *really* became obvious when we were engaged. So, I can't relate with the two of you there.

I can say we come from entirely different cultures. Her parents immigrated from India while I'm a white boy from Cleveland. That has caused a world of conflict. My wife is *very* close to her family and her family has expected me to just fall in line with everything they want. I've told them no, that I'm going to be me, and that has caused all kind of trouble.

With the culture stuff, Zimba, I agree with ClipClop, you *have* to reconnect with your culture. Your culture is as important as hers! Don't feel any different!

As far as the weight thing...my wife has gained 50 pounds since we got married. I've lost 40 despite her constant interference. I say interference because I've tried working out with her, I've tried eating better with her, I've tried joining weight loss groups with her, I've tried everything.... She will fight with me on my running, she'll come to the gym and try talking to me the entire time and never work out, so I know the battle there. My wife eats *so* much junk food, but talks so much about how "we" need to eat healthier and "we" need to exercise more or about how "we" exercised a lot....

We have no sex life because I've never really had the desire for her. I tried...but it's just never been there. But is that a reason to be unhappy with the marriage? I feel the same way as you do, FairSkies...I want good sex, I crave good sex, but there's just *nothing* there.

There's also nothing for communication, either, which *really* hurts me. I hate holding everything inside....

Anyway, guys, I'm in your boat. I feel stuck because I feel like having a failed marriage after a year and a half isn't trying hard enough, but I don't know if I can try anymore, because this isn't living....
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-22-2011, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

LOL, seems we're all doing pretty grim, lol. But I'm sure there's hope. I'll tell you what though, my experiences have made me question alot of things about this life, including alot of the things I have been taught. Hopefully someone will pop on and have a good word for us.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-23-2011, 08:44 AM
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Unhappy Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

wow...I came on here looking for practically the same advice.

I can't help either. I don't have the issues about culture or weight, but I think everything else was dead on. More and more I've been feeling distant from my husband. Which I don't get. He is my best friend and I'm his. He loves me dearly. Does just about anything for me. We have a lot of fun together! So I don't get this feeling I'm having.

Sometimes I think, for me anyway, it is because he doesn't like to dig too deep on personal matters. Sometimes I wonder if I've made him too much of my life and that I need to try harder to make friends. I don't have any good friends outside of him. No girlfriends to talk to or anything. And if I did that if I would appreciate him more. This might go along with what you said about your life being so routine.

And for myself, I've never been good at making friends so maybe that has carried over a bit into the marriage? Maybe I'm expecting too much?

I try to let it go, but then I find myself nit-picking at him about little things (like the way he eats). Which I know is just a result of something deeper. Which at this point I can only pinpoint as dissatisfaction and therefore distance.

And I'm not sure what I'm dissatisfied about.

I rambled...
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-23-2011, 09:19 PM
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

I can't relate to the other culture aspect, and my husband has some serious depression/anxiety/anger issues going on (nothing abusive, just sad and hurtful) but there's also the weight thing. He said adamantly that by the time our daughter was born he wanted to lose weight to be at his healthy weight- but didn't. He has brought it up a few times since (our daughter is 15mos old now) and just been self-deprecating and depressed that he hasn't managed to lose all the weight yet. He does exercise some, and I spend so much effort and time cooking healthy food, but then after a full well-balanced dinner (did I mention I spend a lot of time making them?) he digs through the kitchen and eats whatever he can find. It's usually nothing awful for him, because I do the grocery shopping, but half a box of cereal is bad for you even if it's healthy cereal. If I say anything, I'm being 'judge-y' or mean, so there's not much I can do. I don't know that it would help our sex life because of all of the other complications in our relationship right now, but it wouldn't hurt. And some of those other complications are likely causing and caused by his very bad relationship with food.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw in my bit, since I saw a bit of myself in these posts and have learned that having people comment and relate does wonders - it won't fix our overweight spouses, but maybe it'll make us all feel a little better about how we feel about them.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-16-2012, 09:57 AM
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Re: Feeling "stuck" in my marriage, please help

Looks like all the posts on this thread are from last year and most of you might have already (hopefully) found a way to fix your marriages. I just wanted to add that after reading all the above posts, I felt a bit of relief that I am not the only one who feels the way I do about my marriage. Before coming here I thought I was the only one in the entire world. I can directly relate to everything you all have posted above. Only difference, I have only been married 1 month. I met my wife 2 years ago and after having gone through one bad relationship after another and having my heart broken twice, she came into my life like a breath of fresh air. She's the nicest woman I have ever met. She is not the prettiest girl and is also a bit over-weight but she is the nicest and the most sweetest person in the entire world. I was a bit unsure in the beginning but after she told me an extremely sad story about something that happened to her in the past, I felt like there was a reason as to why I met her and it was my duty as a human being to bring her out of the darkness and show her life. She was drugged and raped by a monster and she was afraid of everything and had problems trusting people for the longest time. But once I came into her life, she told me it felt like her life has come back to her. How could I break her heart at that point in time? So I kicked selfishness out of the door and decided to dedicate my life to her. She fell so madly in love with me that even the thought of loosing me would make her cry. Things went extremely fast after that. I met her parents, her parents met mine, everyone got along with each other so well that next thing I know, we got married. But this whole time there was something missing in our relationship, i.e. passion. As I mentioned she's a bit over-weight and loves junk food, I don't feel attracted to her sexually. We always talk about eating healthy but it never works. Before I met her, I was was extremely fit and in great shape but now I just don't feel the desire to go to the gym anymore. I care about her a lot and am afraid to break her heart so I keep everything locked inside. Sometimes all those feelings I hold inside, burst out of me in the form of anger and I say something stupid to her about her weight or how I made a mistake marrying her, but thats when she starts tearing up and my heart melts and I appologize to her. This is a constant cycle. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I signed my life away just so that someone else can have a better life. To top it off, I have strong feelings for another woman and more I try to keep it inside, more I die a little inside everyday.
I have no sexual attraction or passion towards my wife and I feel so lost yet I dont' want to hurt her. I guess this is my life now.
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