Physical & Mental Health IssuesMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.
Just joined this board. My wife has been diagnosed with non alcoholic liver disease, diabetes, and depression. Our son, teenager, recently failed two classes even though he is very bright and gifted. There are a lot more details, but this is basically the situation.
She does not have a job or friends locally. Her nearest family is 4 hours away. She is very depressed and is on prosac, which doesn't seem to be working.
Even though she's at home all day, she does almost nothing around the house. The pile of laundry is still on the couch after almost 2 weeks. The George Foreman Grill is still full of grease after a week. The floors haven't been cleaned.
We bought a 6 month membership to a local recreation center but when she discovered that her blood sugar was worse than before, she quit working out.
Our son needs to get exercise, but has to argue about it, so she's given up on taking him to the gym.
Anything I say to her, she throws it back in my face, saying it's my fault.
We went to the counselor yesterday. She's taking our son's failure in school personally, I think. For years, she's yelled and screamed at him to do his homework, which continues to be a struggle.
The counselor says that he needs to hit rock bottom and suffer the consequences of his not doing his work.
It doesn't seem like the counselor is doing us much good.
Long story short, the meds aren't working. She's still tired, depressed. She won't call her doctor. She won't try acupuncture or some other treatment. It's as if she would prefer to be miserable. Last night we watched TV. I commented that it was nice to see a show that I hadn't seen in a while. She responded by saying that it helps her 'bide the time'. Bide the time until what? I don't know. Death?
She's somewhat of a control freak. If she's not in control, she cries and loses it. I think she's out of control with her health and our son and, as a result, her health is suffering and she's tearing up the marriage.
It took me a while, but after 18 years of marriage, I realise that she's a negative person. She calls herself a realist, but I think she's a pessimist. Being around her brings me down. Anytime I bring up an idea of something to do or a way to help her, she comes up with a reason why it won't work. I don't know what to do to help her, other than just walking away...
Anyway, if there's anyone out there who can help, I'd appreciate it. I just found this group today, so have no idea whether it's even worth it to post this...
I am also a new member of the forum. I am much younger than you and don't have the experience and expertise to help you. However, I think I understand how difficult this must be for you and your family. Just to give me best wishes to you and hope things will get better.
My wife (we just got married for 3 years) just gave birth and is staying at home for a year. I already noticed signs of postnatal depression. I know hormone probably caused this, but I think partly it is caused by the lack of achievement. It is hard for a person to stay motivated in life if a person, when he or she goes to bed and reflect on the day, cannot be proud of what he or she did for the day. I have tried to encourage my wife to find a hobby to become good at it. (I, on the other hand, have probably way too many hobbies and become too good at them. So I constantly get criticized for not doing enough house chores. That's my bad.) But one or two hobbies should help.
OK. This is my first post as a brand new member. I am searching my butt off for help and answers. I stumbled upon this site by the grace of God.
I am posting because what you wrote almost sounds as if it could have come directly from my husband.
I feel that I am in a similar situation as your wife. And beieive it or not, I personally think her position is harder than yours.
It is really tough to live day after day, knowing that you are letting everyone down. Especially the one you need, and love, the most. Your Husband!! Your Son !! (Family, Friends, Neighbors, etc...)
I know I wake up, everyday- exausted from the nightmares, multiple awakenings throughout the night, the anxiety of the next day, wondering what/who my husband is dreaming about, and knowing those I love the most like me the least.
I am supposed to be ready for a full day of life! Of motherhood! Of being a good citizen and mostly a loving wife.... But I am already 10 steps behind. Exasusted. Calculating when I can lay back down. Take a nap, etc...
I am simply overwhelmed. By thoughts, depression, emotions, fatigue. etc.... Where do you start?
The Foreman grill?? The laundry?? Dusting, organizing, tiding, sweeping/washing floors, bathrooms???? It all needs done.
When my "chores" are finished, I should then be making deep and meaningful changes in my life. Changes I know I need to make. Changes I want to make more than life itself. Changes, that if not made, my husband may leave me.
I can't think through simple left and right decissions. How in the world am I going to pick a starting point to "clean" and/or make changes in my life.
I simply want to be loved for being alive. Not my maid work, sexiness, pearls and a fresh blouse meeting you at the door after a hard days work, an organized linen closet. I am simply not capable of this right now. Just love me. This is the biggest source of strength I can think of. A very basic human necessity.
I WANT TO BE LOVED!!! No matter what.
I want to be all of those things you want and crave, and more.
But at this point in my life, I can't.
I personally feel like I am wasting away the best years of mine and my family's life. But, for some sick reason I can't fix it.
My husband is contemplating leaving me at this point. Oh My God- I am terrified. But for the life of me ( and my marriage) I can't seem to fix it. Hell, I can't keep the house clean, how in the world am I supposed to keep my marriage together????
Instead of criticizm and impatience, how about some unconditional love??
No. Your councilor is spot on. I was depressed. Hated everything. Couldn't cope.
Rock bottom for me was my wifes EA and a separation. That's when I realized I needed to take control of my life. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have come to the realization that I needed to change from within.
Everyone's depression is different. I was lucky in that my meds were the lowest dose and "entry" meds, if you will. SSRI meds worked for me. I didn't need chem altering meds like Prozac.
Once my mind was clear, I came up with a game plan to fix myself. Lots of self help books. Lots of inner reflection.
Depression is like living in a cold, cement basement with no lights on. You want to find the stairs, and climb out of that basement, but you keep stumbling around in the dark, looking for those stairs. You are scared too, because you know those stairs are somewhere, but you just can't find them. After a long time in that basement, you give up, because you'll never find those stairs. After giving up, the basement gets damp and moldy. And the support pillars of the basement start to crumble and corrode. You sense this, and you still search desperately for those stairs, but soon you know that basement is going to collapse even more. And you get more scared. And desperate. And that spiral of hope, despair, crumbling pillars, panic, hope, despair, keeps going around and around while you scuffle around that basement looking for the stairs. Once in a while, you scream out for help. But no one can seem to hear you.
My SSRI meds were my flashlight. I found my stairs.
Once I found my stairs, climbing out was the easiest thing I did. I left that basement, and then boarded up that doorway with my therapy and self help.
Unconditional love, in my opinion, isn't a valid answer. There's only so much a spouse can do, watching you stumble around that basement in the dark. They try to reach for you, to help pull you out, but they just can't reach you down there. Thy try and try, but you can't see thier helping hand in the dark. So...you continue to shuffle in the dark, looking for a way out.
Depression is hard for everyone. I think it's even harder for the spouse. They don't understand why you can't just see thier arms out, waiting to pull you up and out if the dark. Posted via Mobile Device
To the OP, I understand exactly what you are going through. I just posted about my husband's depression and how it's slowly killing our marriage. Like your wife, he's at home all day and does very little, yet all he can do is complain that if he had money, things would be different.
I am fully aware and understand that depression and anxiety are biological and chemical responses. I think we all know that. I have struggled with my own mental illness and still do, but seek treatment. However, like your wife, his Prozac isn't working either.
I wish I could give some level of insight or help, but I can't. Because like you, I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss myself with my husband. I don't want to keep living like this. Honestly, I can live like this all by myself.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this terrible time. Again, I wish I could offer some advice, but I can offer my sympathy and understand what you are going through.
I hope there is a way to help them see the light that they need real help.
I am fully aware and understand that depression and anxiety are biological and chemical responses. I think we all know that. I have struggled with my own mental illness and still do, but seek treatment. However, like your wife, his Prozac isn't working either.
I wish I could give some level of insight or help, but I can't. Because like you, I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss myself with my husband. I don't want to keep living like this. Honestly, I can live like this all by myself.
Count me in this group too. See my post in this forum from earlier today. My fear is that even if she does pull through this episode, she'll relapse again before we can put our relationship back together, as has happened so many times in our 10 years of marriage.
After the birth of my second child I had postpartum depression although I did not know it at the time. Life just seemed to be getting dull and conflicts seemed to be increasing, especially inwards conflicts. My depression became severe and yet I had no previous dealing or understanding of clinical depression, nor did anyone around me. I started to struggle with the outward tasks- dishes, cooking, laundry etc. In some ways I attributed the sadness and apathetic feelings towards being lonely with two children. In the 1950's women had the social support systems for raising children and many had larger families to help. In today's world, one can only go to McDonald so often or become exhausted in finding new parks. I did not have that support system and when I did it was not for long since some preschool groups only lasted sometimes for months before becoming defunct.
But while that may have attributed to my feelings in some ways, clinical depression was at the core. People (as ignorant as I was about clinical depression) tried in the best way they could to help. Tough love speeches, pick yourself up and do something new scripts, guilt trips...they were all a part of it. My ex, feeling he failed to 'fix' me and my condition began to resent me. It is an unfortunate but the true reality for some people to attribute the characteristics and symptoms of depression to character flaws. People may think -she is lazy, she is weak, she doesn't want to help herself, she has no goals in life, she is a negative and self centered, all she cares about is herself, she doesn't even try to work on relationships, she lets herself go....yadda yadda yadda. What some people do not understand about clinical depression is, these symptoms of depression is not indicative of someones real character, personality, ability to cope or ability to have meaningful relationships. Thus they judge these things for character flaws.
My ex did that and sorry to say, he was not worth losing whatever mental sanity I had left. Clinical depression is just like a disease of the body, it must be treated. It is not easy living with someone with depression, but they do not choose the depression either. Again they must be able to separate in their own minds that depression is something people have, not who they are. And they need people in their lives to understand that as well. Otherwise it becomes a vicious cycle for everyone. No one treats a cancer patient like many people treat clinical depressed patients, often times there is more empathy and understanding for the cancer patient. And yet, both have a physical abnormality for which the specific condition exists.
After I was treated (diagnosed by then with double depression) my life began to change. My perceptions changed. But it was not over night and it was not easy. Today I only have supportive people in my life that I choose to get close to.
For those of you who do want to support you spouse rather than judge unfairly, it is important to validate your partner and give lots of room to them (as you would a cancer patient). Learn what clinical depression actually is and how to cope with your own feelings in a healthy way. A support group is wonderful for having your emotions validated and learning to separate what is your responsibility and what isn't.
Someone with clinical depression already unfairly judges and distorts their own image and worth because of the illness. Remember that.
Depression is a horrible, horrible, horrible condition.
I'm now 30 and my wife and I have been married for a little over five years. We've been together more than ten. She has a family history of depression - her brother, mother, and grandmother at the very least - and she had issues with depression when we first got together. She had her ups and downs with different medications, so first you need to realize that not only can certain medications simply not work - they can actually make the problem worse. There are multiple different types of depression that are marked by both increased and decreased activity in certain parts of the brain. If you're accelerating an already-pegged part of the brain, it's going to get worse. Your wife needs to see a psychiatrist and get help.
For the most part, your post sounds very much like my life. My wife works from home and leaves the house pretty much only to see her therapist (who is advising her to leave) and pick up her medications. She has shut herself off from her friends locally. Over time, she stopped coming out with me to do anything, whether it was to visit friends or just go out for a drink. She volunteered at a local shelter, and she gave up quickly. She started working out last year, and it was like a miracle - she was her old self again. However, after a few months, she quit that too. She doesn't do much of anything around the house - in fact all she's done in the past month or so is pack up her stuff to leave.
All I can tell you is that it isn't your fault. Tell anybody about your situation and like me you might hear that your wife is doing you a favor. After all, I do 95% of the cooking, cleaning, housework, repairs, errands, and animal caretaking. My sex life is nonexistent and I cannot do anything right around the house. Whatever I say or do is somehow wrong. She would say terrible things to me all the time. You have to understand that depression will play merry hell with the brain and the person that results, while semi-functional, is not the real person. They will blame you for their problems. They will invent conditions (my wife's new theory is that I have ADD) to justify their depression. Nobody wants to accept their own reality if it's less than perfect. Depressed people grow to resent and hate those around them who aren't depressed and they will eventually start to try to make that happen. Unconditional love doesn't do a damn thing. Nothing will change until the depressed person admits they have a major problem and begins to seek help on their own. That is all there is to it. Counseling won't do anything - your wife in this case will blame you for certain things and identify minor issues that when rectified won't solve anything.
The fact of the matter is that you in all likelihood aren't doing anything wrong. Your wife's brain is simply not operating correctly and until she is correctly diagnosed and treated with the proper medication you are unlikely to see much change. You cannot make somebody get help or want help. You can't make somebody exercise, which is almost a miracle cure in and of itself. She has to want it and until she does you will be dealing with a very difficult situation. Simply Google phrases like "living with a depressed spouse" or "depression ruined my marriage" and you will find that literally thousands of people have gone through this same thing.
They will blame you for their problems. They will invent conditions (my wife's new theory is that I have ADD) to justify their depression. Nobody wants to accept their own reality if it's less than perfect. Depressed people grow to resent and hate those around them who aren't depressed and they will eventually start to try to make that happen.
I find polarizing statements like these distasteful and harmful. Honesty about subjective experience is one thing, quite another to subject every clinically depressed person to this type of polarization.
On another note, I totally agree with you that it is not the husbands fault for his wife's clinical depression. And I certainly give you much kudos for being supportive and taking time to understand clinical depression. I simply cannot imagine what it is like in your situation day in and out and all that you go through yourself in dealing with this.
im about to go to work so have to be quick, only read the top 3 but that sounds exactly like my wife.......
although since seeing her counsillor for the first time she was okay for about 10 days then yesterday had one of her bad days.
constatntly critcising everything i do, not doing any house workm not helping me, i asked her out to lunch she said yes but then criticised my choice. nothing the partner can do is right and the person with depression puts them down.
husband has to realise the wife a lot of the time doesnt realise or believe they are being so negative/rude but they are......
ill have a look back in a few days and post some more.
read all of the messages, FS8 you raise some real good points too.
I i tend to agree with the comment about the wife with depressions gets jealous of those who dont have depression or somewhere along the line.
My wife is so negative at my work functions and puts everyone down behind there back, a lot of them go out of there way to talk to her but she gives one line answeres and then pretends she has messages on her phone to read.
then we drive home she says they are all snobs what the?
little things liek that are hard to put up with.
She hasnt many friends at the moment but the ones that she does have and other girls her age invite her to participate in things like netball/basketball and she refuses and then wonders why the girls in town dont talk to her much.....
OK. This is my first post as a brand new member. I am searching my butt off for help and answers. I stumbled upon this site by the grace of God.
I am posting because what you wrote almost sounds as if it could have come directly from my husband.
I feel that I am in a similar situation as your wife. And beieive it or not, I personally think her position is harder than yours.
It is really tough to live day after day, knowing that you are letting everyone down. Especially the one you need, and love, the most. Your Husband!! Your Son !! (Family, Friends, Neighbors, etc...)
I know I wake up, everyday- exausted from the nightmares, multiple awakenings throughout the night, the anxiety of the next day, wondering what/who my husband is dreaming about, and knowing those I love the most like me the least.
I am supposed to be ready for a full day of life! Of motherhood! Of being a good citizen and mostly a loving wife.... But I am already 10 steps behind. Exasusted. Calculating when I can lay back down. Take a nap, etc...
I am simply overwhelmed. By thoughts, depression, emotions, fatigue. etc.... Where do you start?
The Foreman grill?? The laundry?? Dusting, organizing, tiding, sweeping/washing floors, bathrooms???? It all needs done.
When my "chores" are finished, I should then be making deep and meaningful changes in my life. Changes I know I need to make. Changes I want to make more than life itself. Changes, that if not made, my husband may leave me.
I can't think through simple left and right decissions. How in the world am I going to pick a starting point to "clean" and/or make changes in my life.
I simply want to be loved for being alive. Not my maid work, sexiness, pearls and a fresh blouse meeting you at the door after a hard days work, an organized linen closet. I am simply not capable of this right now. Just love me. This is the biggest source of strength I can think of. A very basic human necessity.
I WANT TO BE LOVED!!! No matter what.
I want to be all of those things you want and crave, and more.
But at this point in my life, I can't.
I personally feel like I am wasting away the best years of mine and my family's life. But, for some sick reason I can't fix it.
My husband is contemplating leaving me at this point. Oh My God- I am terrified. But for the life of me ( and my marriage) I can't seem to fix it. Hell, I can't keep the house clean, how in the world am I supposed to keep my marriage together????
Instead of criticizm and impatience, how about some unconditional love??
This is what I would expect to see "from the inside" of my wife, but on the outside it's a totally different world. Complain and criticize about every little thing, jump to the conclusion that whatever I happen to be talking about that is bad(economy or work is slow) is her fault somehow and then she cuts it short before I get a chance to explain it's the reason I want to wait before spending money on something she complains about.
In the morning I see a woman that is tired and needs a hug, but when I go to give her one and say I'm off to work she says "go then".
On the contrary, she over cleans everything and spends too much time doing it, then complains about having so much work to do. Bathrooms and the kitchen will be worn out from cleaning before they wear out from use.
So on the inside, she wants to be loved, but on the outside everything says go away.
????
OK. This is my first post as a brand new member. I am searching my butt off for help and answers. I stumbled upon this site by the grace of God.
I am posting because what you wrote almost sounds as if it could have come directly from my husband.
I feel that I am in a similar situation as your wife. And beieive it or not, I personally think her position is harder than yours.
It is really tough to live day after day, knowing that you are letting everyone down. Especially the one you need, and love, the most. Your Husband!! Your Son !! (Family, Friends, Neighbors, etc...)
I know I wake up, everyday- exausted from the nightmares, multiple awakenings throughout the night, the anxiety of the next day, wondering what/who my husband is dreaming about, and knowing those I love the most like me the least.
I am supposed to be ready for a full day of life! Of motherhood! Of being a good citizen and mostly a loving wife.... But I am already 10 steps behind. Exasusted. Calculating when I can lay back down. Take a nap, etc...
I am simply overwhelmed. By thoughts, depression, emotions, fatigue. etc.... Where do you start?
The Foreman grill?? The laundry?? Dusting, organizing, tiding, sweeping/washing floors, bathrooms???? It all needs done.
When my "chores" are finished, I should then be making deep and meaningful changes in my life. Changes I know I need to make. Changes I want to make more than life itself. Changes, that if not made, my husband may leave me.
I can't think through simple left and right decissions. How in the world am I going to pick a starting point to "clean" and/or make changes in my life.
I simply want to be loved for being alive. Not my maid work, sexiness, pearls and a fresh blouse meeting you at the door after a hard days work, an organized linen closet. I am simply not capable of this right now. Just love me. This is the biggest source of strength I can think of. A very basic human necessity.
I WANT TO BE LOVED!!! No matter what.
I want to be all of those things you want and crave, and more.
But at this point in my life, I can't.
I personally feel like I am wasting away the best years of mine and my family's life. But, for some sick reason I can't fix it.
My husband is contemplating leaving me at this point. Oh My God- I am terrified. But for the life of me ( and my marriage) I can't seem to fix it. Hell, I can't keep the house clean, how in the world am I supposed to keep my marriage together????
Instead of criticizm and impatience, how about some unconditional love??
i am the same wife that you described too. i was recently left by my stbeh in june/2011. it was the most terrible feeling in the world. we are currently going through the divorce process.
i had a history of depression. but when i met him i was okay. he would belittle me all the time and say stupid things to me. that's when i used to get all depressed. then came the weight gain. then came the prescription pills because the doctor said that i needed to be on pills. once you're on pills you don't ever want to do anything because you're all drugged up.
be supportive. try to do things with her. help her clean up. it's not easy when you're depressed.
and lastly, talk to her. actually sit down and have a talk to her and tell her how you feel about what is going on.
divorce should be your last resort. i have never been in so much pain in my life. i know my divorce is going to be final soon...maybe in a few weeks. :/
This is what I would expect to see "from the inside" of my wife, but on the outside it's a totally different world. Complain and criticize about every little thing, jump to the conclusion that whatever I happen to be talking about that is bad(economy or work is slow) is her fault somehow and then she cuts it short before I get a chance to explain it's the reason I want to wait before spending money on something she complains about.
In the morning I see a woman that is tired and needs a hug, but when I go to give her one and say I'm off to work she says "go then".
On the contrary, she over cleans everything and spends too much time doing it, then complains about having so much work to do. Bathrooms and the kitchen will be worn out from cleaning before they wear out from use. So on the inside, she wants to be loved, but on the outside everything says go away.
????
This was my life in seventeen words.
My wife had a long history of depression, and we did not get together under the best of circumstances. I would later find out that her family had a long history of depression as well. Both counselors we saw said that not only is her brain not functioning properly - she doesn't know what normal behavior is like because she had never been exposed to it in her life. In any case, depression has its own built-in defense mechanism and it will absolutely destroy a relationship.
I was very patient through years of constantly being blamed for everything and ultimately being pushed away. I was very patient through unsuccessful counseling. I was patient when my wife suggested she should try moving out - several states and a few hundred miles away. I do not doubt that my wife felt many of the things listed in LB2BFree's post. Depression sounds like it should manifest as sadness, but that's not it at all. For me it was anger, resentment, blame, and misery. Unfortunately, after I had accepted the fact that my wife didn't want help - didn't even believe she needed help - I had to accept something very painful myself. I felt nothing for her. My wife added absolutely nothing positive to my life. I was initially in fear of losing the familiar. I was not losing anything good. I spoke to a lot of people wondering if I should feel that way, and most said that I probably just didn't realize how bad my relationship was.
Just this morning my wife returned home to pick up more of her stuff. She had rented an SUV and had asked me to take off from work in the morning to help her pack. I did this, burning some of my leave and sweating in the hot sun. What did I get for my troubles? Complaints that the truck was packed too tight. Yelling. Snide remarks. In the past I would've wondered what I did, but now I know what it is. It doesn't matter what an extensive psychiatric self-evaluation says if the person doesn't want help. I cooked every day and all I got for that was complaints about my choice of food. The phrase "biting the hand that feeds" seems very appropriate for this situation.
All I can say is that if you know you are depressed, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. It's bad enough living with a depressed spouse, and I cannot imagine what it must be like living with depression. I just know at this point that even though it wasn't my wife's fault - she suffers from a serious and debilitating condition - it ultimately destroyed everything good I felt about her. You can say that you just need to be loved and I'm sure that's true, but until you can get the help you need that train is still coming straight for you.
Depressed Wife doesn't want to do anything 
Re: Depressed Wife doesn't want to do anything 
