Hi. I just need to say that this is going to be long winded because there is so much going on in my head. I am 39, married to my husband of 13 years (been together 20), 2 kids 10 and 6.
To all our accuaintances, everything looks normal and happy. We are not financially burdened, live in a beautiful home in the country, have two fantastic little kids.
I am living in shame and guilt and it has caused me to have severe bouts of depression and anxiety. I talked to a psychologyst once and that was that (about a year ago). I know I need to go again and see if there's something bigger in the picture. All she said is that I seem to be "hard on myself". I can't stop being hard on myself for some reason.
The situation has stemmed from something I knew I was doing that was inappropriate - funny thing is, nothing ever happened that was overstepping bounds - I was just realized that I became addicted to some attention from a male friend (parent of one of my daughter's classmates). I thought it was just a plutonic feeling, but then I noticed I was thinking about this guy a lot and comparing him to my hubby. The sick thing is, I never even talked about anything personal. And no opportunity for anything came up - he was just a friend who I enjoyed talking to that ended up being a bit of a fantasy. I ended up telling my husband of my attraction (approx a year ago) and I have regretted it ever since. I only hurt him and the problem has never gone away. I am ashamed and embarassed that I can't seem to get my emotions in control over this. Now when I see him, I practically run the other direction. My husband hates this guy and he didn't even do anything. I never thought I'd feel so out of control. At the time when this was happening, I was at a heightened state of self image or self esteem. I was feeling very good about myself to the point were I have started wondeing if I'm bipolar. My self esteem has plummited over this last year because I hate myself for having these feelings. Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I never thought I'd go through anything like this.
I still see this guy once in a while - only at school. I have not attempted any conversation with him because I am trying to rid the attraction from my mind. Like I said, I practically run the other way or pretend I don't notice him. The problem is - how do you rid yourself of an attraction? I realize I am not attracted to him, but just my own fantasy of what could have been with someone other than my husband. Fantasies are just that - fantasies. THe grass is not greener. In fact, from what I do know, I would probably be miserable on that other side.
This is what's killing me inside. I love my husband, but I realize now, that we were both alcoholics when we lived together for 5 years, we got married when we both still drank heavily. Our lives were based around it. I quit drinking 9 years ago (he only occasionally drinks a couple beers). As I look back (which I wish I could stop doing), I see really nothing that should have brought us together. His family was made up of alcoholics, mine is very clean and normal and loving. We didn't get any marriage counselling. We have fought on and off - sometimes very loudly and verbally violent. Never physical. I am living with this nagging thought that the red flags were there from the beginning and I was so blinded that I didn't see them, or so stubborn that I didn't want to see them. Now it has compounded the saddness because I know it could have been prevented.
I am rambling, but I really need to get this off my chest. I have always had obsessions - always had a severe shy and very moody personality (probably why I drank so much). Now I have put myself in a life where I feel utterly alone (I don't have any close friends or family around here). Basically what I'm trying to say is at times I think I married the wrong person. Our personalities are so different. He has a hard time listening, can be quite loud, then retreats into himself. I am quiet and moody and sentimental. He is not a very empathetic person, something that saddens me at times. At times, I am uncertain that he ever loved me.
I have two kids in the mix. I have decided that I am not going to leave my husband. WE are good friends and we still love eachother. I have decided that we have a huge history and I love him. I just don't feel "in love" anymore. I'm trying to feel it. He has grown up over the years and I respect him for what he's overcome having two alcoholic parents (both now deceased due to drinking themselves to death) and a brother who's a homeless drug addict and a sister who is an alcoholic as well. I have tried to focus on these characteristics of my husband, the strength he has gained by going through a bad childhood and coming out of it still able to smile at life.
I didn't want to paint my husband like a fool. He has a huge heart, is super intelligent, is good looking, and has been so supportive of me over the last year or so. He loves me even after I admitted this "crush" and it makes me feel even worse.
I just wonder, when does an attraction to someone finally go away. How do you get control over it? I know I would never leave my husband for anyone else so why is it bothering me so much? Why have I made such a mountain out of a molehill? Is that part of an obsessive personality? The truly pathetic thing is that this guy knows NOTHING about this and he would probably be shocked that I made so much out of it - my head is only playing games with me. I know you are going to say that I need to see a phychologist....and I know eventually I will again.
Thanks for reading this huge post - I appreciate it. What would be really helpful right now is if I heard that other people have lived with attractions in their marriage and gotten over them. Wishful thinking?
To all our accuaintances, everything looks normal and happy. We are not financially burdened, live in a beautiful home in the country, have two fantastic little kids.
I am living in shame and guilt and it has caused me to have severe bouts of depression and anxiety. I talked to a psychologyst once and that was that (about a year ago). I know I need to go again and see if there's something bigger in the picture. All she said is that I seem to be "hard on myself". I can't stop being hard on myself for some reason.
The situation has stemmed from something I knew I was doing that was inappropriate - funny thing is, nothing ever happened that was overstepping bounds - I was just realized that I became addicted to some attention from a male friend (parent of one of my daughter's classmates). I thought it was just a plutonic feeling, but then I noticed I was thinking about this guy a lot and comparing him to my hubby. The sick thing is, I never even talked about anything personal. And no opportunity for anything came up - he was just a friend who I enjoyed talking to that ended up being a bit of a fantasy. I ended up telling my husband of my attraction (approx a year ago) and I have regretted it ever since. I only hurt him and the problem has never gone away. I am ashamed and embarassed that I can't seem to get my emotions in control over this. Now when I see him, I practically run the other direction. My husband hates this guy and he didn't even do anything. I never thought I'd feel so out of control. At the time when this was happening, I was at a heightened state of self image or self esteem. I was feeling very good about myself to the point were I have started wondeing if I'm bipolar. My self esteem has plummited over this last year because I hate myself for having these feelings. Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I never thought I'd go through anything like this.
I still see this guy once in a while - only at school. I have not attempted any conversation with him because I am trying to rid the attraction from my mind. Like I said, I practically run the other way or pretend I don't notice him. The problem is - how do you rid yourself of an attraction? I realize I am not attracted to him, but just my own fantasy of what could have been with someone other than my husband. Fantasies are just that - fantasies. THe grass is not greener. In fact, from what I do know, I would probably be miserable on that other side.
This is what's killing me inside. I love my husband, but I realize now, that we were both alcoholics when we lived together for 5 years, we got married when we both still drank heavily. Our lives were based around it. I quit drinking 9 years ago (he only occasionally drinks a couple beers). As I look back (which I wish I could stop doing), I see really nothing that should have brought us together. His family was made up of alcoholics, mine is very clean and normal and loving. We didn't get any marriage counselling. We have fought on and off - sometimes very loudly and verbally violent. Never physical. I am living with this nagging thought that the red flags were there from the beginning and I was so blinded that I didn't see them, or so stubborn that I didn't want to see them. Now it has compounded the saddness because I know it could have been prevented.
I am rambling, but I really need to get this off my chest. I have always had obsessions - always had a severe shy and very moody personality (probably why I drank so much). Now I have put myself in a life where I feel utterly alone (I don't have any close friends or family around here). Basically what I'm trying to say is at times I think I married the wrong person. Our personalities are so different. He has a hard time listening, can be quite loud, then retreats into himself. I am quiet and moody and sentimental. He is not a very empathetic person, something that saddens me at times. At times, I am uncertain that he ever loved me.
I have two kids in the mix. I have decided that I am not going to leave my husband. WE are good friends and we still love eachother. I have decided that we have a huge history and I love him. I just don't feel "in love" anymore. I'm trying to feel it. He has grown up over the years and I respect him for what he's overcome having two alcoholic parents (both now deceased due to drinking themselves to death) and a brother who's a homeless drug addict and a sister who is an alcoholic as well. I have tried to focus on these characteristics of my husband, the strength he has gained by going through a bad childhood and coming out of it still able to smile at life.
I didn't want to paint my husband like a fool. He has a huge heart, is super intelligent, is good looking, and has been so supportive of me over the last year or so. He loves me even after I admitted this "crush" and it makes me feel even worse.
I just wonder, when does an attraction to someone finally go away. How do you get control over it? I know I would never leave my husband for anyone else so why is it bothering me so much? Why have I made such a mountain out of a molehill? Is that part of an obsessive personality? The truly pathetic thing is that this guy knows NOTHING about this and he would probably be shocked that I made so much out of it - my head is only playing games with me. I know you are going to say that I need to see a phychologist....and I know eventually I will again.
Thanks for reading this huge post - I appreciate it. What would be really helpful right now is if I heard that other people have lived with attractions in their marriage and gotten over them. Wishful thinking?