Re: Wife won't understand No Contact to my abusive mom
I'm glad your wife is respecting the NC. Does she still pressure you to forgive and break NC? Is your father alive?
I can relate to your situation, as my dad was an angry functional alcoholic while I was growing up, and I had several years of NC too.
During the years of NC I was able to heal the frightened child inside of myself, and learn healthy adult ways to take care of my emotional well being. Eventually, I was able to have limited contact with my dad, according to my rules, not his. I accepted that he was a sick (in the head) person and pitiful, however I didn't put up with any nonsense, but kept my end healthy, removing myself or my children from a situation immediately when it was not healthy.
When he died, I mourned what never was and what I would never have: a kind, supportive, healthy father. I didn't try to fool myself by saying, "If only...." because I knew he was a broken person, and the relationship would never have been different, without him being a different person all together. He loved me in his heart, but it did not come out as love, and that is on him. I did not mourn or miss the man he was. With him gone all the stress and pressure having to do with him also ended.
Surprisingly, however, over the years, in the absence of new painful memories created by him (because he is dead and can do no more harm), I have been able to recognize that he did some things right. While he was lousy at the personal level, he did some good things that made a difference for his family and for the country.
I hope you are finding healing by staying NC with your mother. Your wife needs to know specifics. Saying, "She yelled at me" doesn't let your wife know enough. Tell her the actual words your mother said, even if it is painful for you to recall the situation in such detail.