No love; don't know what to do anymore.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four years now. For as long as I can remember I've always felt really attached to her, had strong feelings of intimacy and love...Basically, I thought she was "The One" that I would end up with for the rest of my life, and that was fine. All through our relationship, however, I've suffered with varying degrees of anxiety or depression. Having been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and OCD (albeit on a milder level that what most typically associate with OCD), I always felt that my partner was my rock -- she helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. I thought that even though I had these problems, we'd always be together, and support one another.
Now, however, something's changed. I don't know what it is or why, but it's like my feelings have just evaporated. I find her difficult to talk to, even irritating at times. I don't feel those strong feelings of love and intimacy anymore...I just feel distant, detached and upset about our relationship. I keep going over it in my head, trying to spot where things fell apart, but I can't. It's like one day I just stopped being able to feel love, and I hate myself for it. I want those feelings back. I want to love her. I don't even know where to begin, though.
Its incredibly stressful -- not a day, hell, not even an hour goes by that I'm not thinking about it. Why do I feel this way? Why do things that I used to find endearing only make me irritated now? Where did it all go wrong? Is it my depression? Or did I just stop loving her?...These questions float around my head every second of every day, and it's killing me and our relationship. I feel like I'm going crazy.
For so long, she was the only "light" in my life -- one of the only things that made me happy despite all my problems. I loved her unconditionally, with all my heart. Still, even then I was stressed out by our relationship -- always worried she would leave me, or cheat on me...there was always something to worry about -- even if there was no evidence. I never communicated any of these feelings to her -- I didn't want her to think I was some controlling, jealous man, because I'm not. I chalked it up to my anxiety -- and even if I couldn't eliminate the worry, I knew that it wasn't ME. Now everything seems reversed. I know she loves me, but I just cant bring myself to reciprocate the feelings. How can someone go from loving a person so much to just losing all those feelings at the drop of a hat?
I haven't said anything to her. I feel like this would break her heart if I brought it up. I've been trying to act normal around her but it's like I've forgotten how. Everything is so stiff and awkward. I know she knows somethings wrong...It has to be obvious. I just don't know what to do anymore.