No love; don't know what to do anymore.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Physical & Mental Health Issues » No love; don't know what to do anymore.

Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 09-08-2011, 02:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation No love; don't know what to do anymore.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four years now. For as long as I can remember I've always felt really attached to her, had strong feelings of intimacy and love...Basically, I thought she was "The One" that I would end up with for the rest of my life, and that was fine. All through our relationship, however, I've suffered with varying degrees of anxiety or depression. Having been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and OCD (albeit on a milder level that what most typically associate with OCD), I always felt that my partner was my rock -- she helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. I thought that even though I had these problems, we'd always be together, and support one another.

Now, however, something's changed. I don't know what it is or why, but it's like my feelings have just evaporated. I find her difficult to talk to, even irritating at times. I don't feel those strong feelings of love and intimacy anymore...I just feel distant, detached and upset about our relationship. I keep going over it in my head, trying to spot where things fell apart, but I can't. It's like one day I just stopped being able to feel love, and I hate myself for it. I want those feelings back. I want to love her. I don't even know where to begin, though.

Its incredibly stressful -- not a day, hell, not even an hour goes by that I'm not thinking about it. Why do I feel this way? Why do things that I used to find endearing only make me irritated now? Where did it all go wrong? Is it my depression? Or did I just stop loving her?...These questions float around my head every second of every day, and it's killing me and our relationship. I feel like I'm going crazy.

For so long, she was the only "light" in my life -- one of the only things that made me happy despite all my problems. I loved her unconditionally, with all my heart. Still, even then I was stressed out by our relationship -- always worried she would leave me, or cheat on me...there was always something to worry about -- even if there was no evidence. I never communicated any of these feelings to her -- I didn't want her to think I was some controlling, jealous man, because I'm not. I chalked it up to my anxiety -- and even if I couldn't eliminate the worry, I knew that it wasn't ME. Now everything seems reversed. I know she loves me, but I just cant bring myself to reciprocate the feelings. How can someone go from loving a person so much to just losing all those feelings at the drop of a hat?

I haven't said anything to her. I feel like this would break her heart if I brought it up. I've been trying to act normal around her but it's like I've forgotten how. Everything is so stiff and awkward. I know she knows somethings wrong...It has to be obvious. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

Anyone..? I really need some direction, here.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

No offense but that was a really bad answer. If it was that simple, I'm sure he would have done it a long time ago. I bet you are one of those people that believes that people with depression could be cured simply by CHOOSING to not be depressed. And schizophrenics could be cured simply by CHOOSING to not have delusions and hallucinations. Simplistic thinking like that, although convenient, lacks any substance whatsoever.

To the original poster: There comes a time when depression gets bad enough, that you are sort of "immune" to feeling those feelings of love. You probably DO love her very much, but the apathy of the depression has gotten in the way and you simply can't feel it. Its like a symptom that blocks the love feelings. I would say don't make any rash decisions right now - concentrate on YOU. Get your medication regime revised by your psychiatrist, and if you aren't already, try psychotherapy (proven to be very good for depression) or some other talk therapy that works for YOU. Only when your depression lessens a bit will the apathy subside, and only then can you feel love. I would say its still there but buried under the depression.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

Zephyr,

Hi, I will probably not answer your post but thank you because reading it I am feeling better. Why? Because I am at the other side, loving someone who is in depression. Someone that was crazy in love with me, we made plans, he separated the person he was with....then after 8 months.....nothing...total evaporation of feelings and I did not understood because i did never had to deal with depression, so my mind went crazy...The hard thing is that he told me that "he just doesn't know anymore if he is loving me" he is empty, he is isolating himself....and I am so hurt not to be able to help him in a way of fixing things....so I said that I will wait, that I love him...so I am trying to be strong we do not live together, so I am letting him space. I am so sorry you are going through that. I can see how painful it is for the person who is suffering. I am wishing you the best. Sorry, I know I did not help.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

Again, sorry I forgot to ask you something...When you are lost...and you know she loves you Do you prefer to be/stay alone or even if you can't feel love for her right now, you like that she is around and loving you?
Because I never know what to do. Letting space but not too much or not enough.........he is trying to push me away, saying "he doesn't have the right to ask me to stay"and he used to send me tones of messages and now, nothing.....so just sometimes I lost myself. Thank you so much.
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Old 09-19-2011, 04:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

thirdmoon- i am in the exact same situation as you, except my guy is fed up of feeling like he doesnt know what is going on and thinks maybe we should break up. It feels really horrible.

Zephyr- i too would like to know what i should be doing. should i give him space? or would it be better to continue to show him how much i love him and be there for him. we seem to think that the medication may be burying his emotions because when he nearly broke up with me they all came soaring back for a few days before disappearing again.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

sweetducks, I am sorry and yes I do understand, it's so frustrating when you love someone and you can't do nothing and then you are loosing your mind. One day I am positive and saying I will stay around because I am loving him but someday, because I am seeing no changes and more and more distance between us I just feel tired. My bf doesn't know if he wants a break up, or not, or if he is loving me, sometimes he want us just to be friends.....I am just so lost. So, well, patience and hope is the only way to still going on I guess.
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No love; don't know what to do anymore.

Hello everyone,

I am going through the exact same thing with my wife right now. But she is the one that says she has falling out of love with me. We have been married for 6 years and been together for 9, and we have a 5 year old little girl, that is the light of my life.

She is depressed and confused about how she was treated in her childhood. She had a difficult relationship with her mother and she suddenly passed away 2 years ago. Her mothers birthday was this weekend,and my wife tells me she wants to find an apartment and share custody of our child.

We have a great marriage never fought always had fun, but it seemed to come out of the blue. We are seeing a counselor individually this week, so hopefully that will help. I cant stand the thought of not being able to see my child everyday.

Please someone help if they can.
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