wife not in love anymore - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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wife not in love anymore

Please excuse the possible rambling...
My wife and I have been married 15 years and have 1 child, 8yr old boy. Soon after we met I was aware of past depression issues and mental illness in her family. All was well, or I thought it was, for 5 years or so. In 2005 I caught her having an affair with her co worker, it was an emotional affair with some kissing and touching. I do believe that it was limited to that. After a huge blow up and her being diagnosed as bipolar we started counseling and she began meds.
Counseling seemed to center on her mother issues and less about us. As we were working on our relationship, she became pregnant. The focus on us shifted to her pregnancy then her health as she had weight gain from meds, fluid retention and high blood pressure from pregnancy, and gestational diabetes from pregnancy. We had our baby boy by c section 2 months early. Meds were stopped after he was born.
I feel as though I was pushed away by her illness and by her self image issues from the weight gain. I admit that I allowed it to happen hoping that it would magically change. 8 years later, a month ago my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, that she felt unloved and deserved better. She assumed that I wanted the same, I certainly do not. I never stopped loving my wife. I was too afraid to speak up for myself and let her know that I wanted the same thing. After our talk and a couple weeks, she has agreed to try to make us work and really work on our marriage.
After years of neglect from both of us I have never fallen out of love with my wife, I always had hope that the dark cloud of her illness would lift and I would have my beautiful wife back. The problem is she is no longer "in love" with me and does not know at this time if she will ever be. We have been showing each other affection, holding hands, hugging more, and going out on dates.
My problem is that the affection that we are showing one another is absolutely killing me, I get to hold her, hug her, and have the most platonic close your lips as tight as you can kisses. We have not had much sex since she was pregnant and gained weight, once every few months, but we at least had real kisses. It's these damn emotionless kisses that are killing me! I don't expect her to suddenly feel such love that she wants nothing more than to spend every minute in bed but it's those damn kisses...
She just told me that she does not know if she will ever be in love with me again, but does want our marriage to work. My heart breaks every time I get one of those damn kisses. How do I protect myself from further pain and still allow her time to sort her feelings?
Sorry for the novel but I am so lost right now.

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:36 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

You have to try to work on being happy without her love. It may never return, and honestly, may be for the best.
My opinion is that once this happens, it never gets better, but I'm far from an expert. You are going on dates and such. I just think that if you want to do yourself justice, you need to figure out how much of your life you want to spend working on this and if her feelings haven't changed, get out and set yourselves free to find someone that does love you.
I'm sorry.
I do think there are better prospects than a bipolar manic depressive to be married to.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife not in love anymore

I certainly hear what you are saying. I agree that if I were starting a relationship then I wouldn't chose the baggage, but I've chosen the person already. I've checked my feelings, this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Is it ultimately my decision at this point? No, to an extent I am at the mercy of her next decision. I already know what I want, whether I can withstand the time that may be necessary for her to either decide that there is no chance of love or whether there is that is the real question in my mind. I know that I will face any discomfort or pain in dealing with our issues, I will freely admit my mistakes but to get there I need a partner. I'm not willing to give up yet.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 11:10 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

Thing is, when we've invested all the years, emotions, plans for the future...... It's hard to let go. Of course your mind is made up. I'm just saying you probably would be doing the right thing to consider WHY you love this woman. Is it because of who she is, or who she once was and you wish her to be.
If she can't tell you she loves you in a year of you doing your best. Ask her to leave and go forward with your life. All the advice I can give.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 08:15 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

It may sound strange, but "Love" is like best friends. "In Love" is actually a sexual feeling (though not perceived that way). You want to be your wife's lover more than her best friend. And she can never be your mom, loving and protecting you unconditionally.

Read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. I used the steps he laid out and went from "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to almost daily "I love you"'s and great sex with it.

It's a slightly depressing formula, given the notions we grow up with surrounding love, but with that book, you stand the best chance of having your wife fall back in love. The premise is that she once found you attractive enough to marry you, so all you have to do is become that guy again. Hint, it's not just looks, but that's a part of it. You probably didn't used to cling to her and you had your own exciting life she desired to be a part of.

Read the book. It works.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 08:25 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

Your mind is made up but you say the decision is hers.

I feel like you need to start doing your own thing, work on becoming your best self, doing activities you enjoy and being happy. It is a long process to get to that place, but when you start building yourself up, you realize YOU have options in this too. You cannot force attraction and her knowing you are waiting for her decide is actually ruining her attraction level. SHE thinks also this is all her decision. Take some power back, and think about if you even want her. Rejection breeds obsession, try to view it from 50,000 feet. You could absolutely be happy with or without her. Do not push her away, but do not allow her to believe she holds all the cards here. Do your things and let her come and go as she pleases. If she sees you are enjoying life with or without her she is likely to want to find out what you are up to.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You have to try to work on being happy without her love. It may never return, and honestly, may be for the best.
My opinion is that once this happens, it never gets better, but I'm far from an expert. You are going on dates and such. I just think that if you want to do yourself justice, you need to figure out how much of your life you want to spend working on this and if her feelings haven't changed, get out and set yourselves free to find someone that does love you.
I'm sorry.
I do think there are better prospects than a bipolar manic depressive to be married to.
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Thank you for that post. I am coming to grips with my reality and you are absolutely correct on post.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

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Your mind is made up but you say the decision is hers.

I feel like you need to start doing your own thing, work on becoming your best self, doing activities you enjoy and being happy. It is a long process to get to that place, but when you start building yourself up, you realize YOU have options in this too. You cannot force attraction and her knowing you are waiting for her decide is actually ruining her attraction level. SHE thinks also this is all her decision. Take some power back, and think about if you even want her. Rejection breeds obsession, try to view it from 50,000 feet. You could absolutely be happy with or without her. Do not push her away, but do not allow her to believe she holds all the cards here. Do your things and let her come and go as she pleases. If she sees you are enjoying life with or without her she is likely to want to find out what you are up to.
I agree with what you said to a tee but, in doing so you will grow apart from her. Her lack of interest in you, and you enjoying life without her will not go well. You will ask yourself, why am I here after a while.

Good Luck
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

Get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs. Read it thoroughly. She should do the same
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

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Get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs. Read it thoroughly. She should do the same

When is comes to depression, those things have little affect. They are not capable when having an outbreak.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

Hi all, I am in the same boat but my wife has called it quits on our marriage of 10yrs. (We have 2 children 8,10) and she decided that we should temporary separate that was 6 mths ago ffwd to now and well she has a new fella been with him 3 months i am still doing things for her i know i shouldn't but i find it difficult to not help her as she can't really cope i know what i have to do it's just hard putting it into practice

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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

You meant to say SHE decided to separate. She's still in love, just not with you.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

Yes, I don't know if i'm being nieve or not. I've told myself in the mirror that its over but having trouble believing it as sometimes there's something there ...
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

You are still in live with her. That something you feel is one sided, and she will milk it for all it's worth.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: wife not in love anymore

People that are depressed or go through periods of manic/depressives times like bi-polarity don't think or feel like people that aren't ill. They need to get treated first for their illness. Couples and individual counseling is a must too.

Without professional help, they will not regain those in love feelings for the old partner again. The partners are not the problem. Their illness is! The partner is collateral damage as is the marriage.

If they have an affair, the affair partner is a temporary fix. The affair partner will soon be collateral damage as well.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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