wife not in love anymore
Please excuse the possible rambling...
My wife and I have been married 15 years and have 1 child, 8yr old boy. Soon after we met I was aware of past depression issues and mental illness in her family. All was well, or I thought it was, for 5 years or so. In 2005 I caught her having an affair with her co worker, it was an emotional affair with some kissing and touching. I do believe that it was limited to that. After a huge blow up and her being diagnosed as bipolar we started counseling and she began meds.
Counseling seemed to center on her mother issues and less about us. As we were working on our relationship, she became pregnant. The focus on us shifted to her pregnancy then her health as she had weight gain from meds, fluid retention and high blood pressure from pregnancy, and gestational diabetes from pregnancy. We had our baby boy by c section 2 months early. Meds were stopped after he was born.
I feel as though I was pushed away by her illness and by her self image issues from the weight gain. I admit that I allowed it to happen hoping that it would magically change. 8 years later, a month ago my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, that she felt unloved and deserved better. She assumed that I wanted the same, I certainly do not. I never stopped loving my wife. I was too afraid to speak up for myself and let her know that I wanted the same thing. After our talk and a couple weeks, she has agreed to try to make us work and really work on our marriage.
After years of neglect from both of us I have never fallen out of love with my wife, I always had hope that the dark cloud of her illness would lift and I would have my beautiful wife back. The problem is she is no longer "in love" with me and does not know at this time if she will ever be. We have been showing each other affection, holding hands, hugging more, and going out on dates.
My problem is that the affection that we are showing one another is absolutely killing me, I get to hold her, hug her, and have the most platonic close your lips as tight as you can kisses. We have not had much sex since she was pregnant and gained weight, once every few months, but we at least had real kisses. It's these damn emotionless kisses that are killing me! I don't expect her to suddenly feel such love that she wants nothing more than to spend every minute in bed but it's those damn kisses...
She just told me that she does not know if she will ever be in love with me again, but does want our marriage to work. My heart breaks every time I get one of those damn kisses. How do I protect myself from further pain and still allow her time to sort her feelings?
Sorry for the novel but I am so lost right now.